Ok so I have been dating a guy for 10 months now. We both have children with previous relationships. He is a very private person. He recently located to another state about 6 months ago. We talk on the phone everyday and we have seen each other about 10 times since he has relocated. Last weekend he came down to see his children and when he is with his kids, he has no contact with me. I respect his time with his children. We had planned on possibly seeing each other Sunday night because his flight didn't leave until early Monday morning. Well Sunday came and I never heard from him. I texted him around 6pm and never got a response. When he finally called me on Monday, I asked him what happened. He said the storm caused the power to go out and he just decided to stay at his ex's and slept in the bed with his son. Should I be OK with him staying the night at his ex's house??

Are you OK with it? If you are not OK with it then this situation is not for you. I have a rule not to get seriously invovled with someone with a child younger 5 because it takes a while for people to get rules worked out. I broke my rule and I why I had the rule. If him and his child's mother haven't worked their family thing out then he is not ready for a relationship with you. It sounds like he is still messing around with his ex.

It is possible for him to stay there and it be innocent. There are people who divorce and it's done. My ex has stayed at my house with no thought to me or me to him.
If this is a one time thing, don't worry about it. If it becomes a habit you might want to ask him about it.

Well he has done it one other time. She went away for the weekend and he stayed at her house with the kids. I do respect him for being so honest though. He could have lied to me and told me he stayed at a hotel Sunday night but didn't.

Im really not sure if I am OK with it. His daughter is only 3 years old... I do however respect him for his honesty. He could have very well told me he was staying in a hotel but chose to tell him he stayed at the exs. Im just kind of confused, I have never been in a relationship like this. He is so hard to read, he doesn't show a lot of emotions.

Maybe the relationship is not for you.
Personally I won't date someone with young kids.
Have you talked to him about this?

No not really. I did ask him if there was a chance that he and his ex would get back together, if so, I would be willing to walk away. He said no there was no chance they would get back together. Well then I asked him what exactly I am to him and he didn't answer me, he said he was tired and he missed me said he would talk to me in the morning... well that was 2 days ago, I haven't heard from him since??

Well maybe he does still have a thing for his wife.
You might want to walk away from this. There are some issues there you may not want to have to deal with. It's nothing against you it's just you may not care to go through this and I can understand that.

Ok so I have been dating a guy for 10 months now. We both have children with previous relationships. He is a very private person. He recently located to another state about 6 months ago. We talk on the phone everyday and we have seen each other about 10 times since he has relocated. Last weekend he came down to see his children and when he is with his kids, he has no contact with me. I respect his time with his children. We had planned on possibly seeing each other sunday night because his flight didnt leave until early monday morning. Well sunday came and I never heard from him. I texted him around 6pm and never got a response. When he finally called me on Monday, I asked him what happened. He said the storm caused the power to go out and he just decided to stay at his ex's and slept in the bed with his son. Should I be ok with him staying the night at his ex's house???

From what you wrote here, I personally wouldn't be OK, there are like red flags all over. So you've been in relationship with this guy for 4 months before he's relocated - then you continue seeing him for another 6 months - total of 10 times (that's not even twice a month). He goes no contact when he's seeing his kids (meaning he is over his ex's house). He avoids uncomfortable questions and plays disappearing act when it's convenient for him.

Umm... are you sure he is not married? Because nothing here adds up, really.

Well see he still owns his home in the town I live and plans to move back down here. I currentlly live about 500 miles from him now. His children and ex live about 2 hrs from me. Your right, right now we are only seeing each other about once a month but it is for like 4 to 5 days at a time.. I understand it is difficult right now because he lives 500 miles away but some how we make it happen. Currently, he is only seeing his kids every month as well. I have the keys to his house in the town I live in and I have been collecting all of his mail up until last month when he got his address changed to his new location. He claims he doesn't talk to me when he is with his kids because that is his time with his kids and kids only... I know it sounds really sketch... so you really think he is still married?? I really care abou this man and I am a vey confident woman but here lately I have been feeling somewhat insecure... what do u think I should do?

It doesn't sound like a very pleasant relationship. You're constantly suspicious of him and you lack trust.

Sometimes, romantic feelings is not enough for a relationship to work. You need compatibility and communication, as opposed to constant doubts.

If you can't find a way to work out these issues, then you're better off going your separate ways, instead of torturing yourself.

I can understand his wanting to spend his time with his kid "just them" but he can call or text you in the evening. Does he stay at the house when he visits them?

I think you should talk to him tell him about what you are feeling. Now is a good time to start communicating with each other. You don't have a relationship if you can even talk about what you're feeling.

Well see he still owns his home in the town I live and plans to move back down here. I currentlly live about 500 miles from him now. His children and ex live about 2 hrs from me. Your right, right now we are only seeing eachother about once a month but it is for like 4 to 5 days at a time..I understand it is difficult right now because he lives 500 miles away but some how we make it happen. Currently, he is only seeing his kids every month as well. I have the keys to his house in the town I live in and I have been collecting all of his mail up until last month when he got his address changed to his new location. He claims he doesnt talk to me when he is with his kids because that is his time with his kids and kids only...I know it sounds really sketch...so you really think he is still married???? I really care abou this man and I am a vey confident woman but here lately I have been feeling somewhat insecure...what do u think I should do??

I think your gut instinct is telling you that something is wrong with this whole situation. I don't get this "time with kids and kids only" - come on, he takes kids out to eat, or to the park - what, he can't call/text you just to say hi and to ask how are you doing? And his obvious lack of communication as opposed to being private person - not returning your calls in time, not wanting to discuss issues etc. How was your relationship before he's relocated?

But my first thought after reading your post was that he either still married or is totally not over his ex. Which is bad situation for you either way. Look, you haven't heard from him for two days already - he is pulling away, so you have to let it go, at least for now.

Is there a way for you to look up public records in your town and see if he is divorced for real?

No, he has only stayed at the exs one other time and she was not there. He usually stays in a hotel with his kids. Like I said, I respect him for being honest with me and telling me he stayed there. He could have lied to me and I would have never known other wise.


I know like I said, I have never felt insecure like this before. He always leaves the room when he talks to his kids on the phone as well... so a couple of months ago, I brought that up and he said he doesn't have a problem with talking to his kids in front of me, well the last time I was there, he never spoke to them when I was around which I thought was odd because he talks to them every night before they go to sleep... I have tried to look up public records and can't access any however during my last visit I found a valentine's day card from his ex and it said that she still loved him... I am just so confused, I want to believe him but I am really starting to have my doubts!!

Harshness warning

Considering that you're still hooked on your ex, this man is just a rebound: https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/still-love-ex-boyfriend-492727.html

You're sounding desperate to make a relationship work. You can't force relationships, they happen naturally.

I suggest you stay single for a while until you can find peace and happiness within yourself. As opposed to forcing the issue with your ex and this new guy.

His not talking to you now for a couple of day may be the sign you're looking for.
He and his wife may still have a thing for each other.
I'd tell him you don't think things are going to work out and you think you need to call it quits.
I think you need to call it quits.
If he is not even willing to talk to you, you have nothing anyway.

Harshness warning

Considering that you're still hooked on your ex, this man is just a rebound: https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/still-love-ex-boyfriend-492727.html

You're sounding desperate to make a relationship work. You can't force relationships, they happen naturally.

I suggest you stay single for a while until you can find peace and happiness within yourself. As opposed to forcing the issue with your ex and this new guy.
In this light, it's the pot calling the kettle black.
He's still hung up on his ex and apparently so are you, which is probably why you have so many doubts and concerns.
Leave this man alone.

In this light, it's the pot calling the kettle black.
He's still hung up on his ex and apparently so are you, which is probably why you have so many doubts and concerns.
Leave this man alone.

Yes indeed I am still in love with my ex however over the last several months, I have fallen for this other man as well. They are two totally different types of men and I care about both of them. As far as my ex is concerned, he has moved on and is in another relationship. I will always love him, we had a beautiful, amazing connection with one another. But, like I said, I care about my current boyfriend as well and we have so much fun together and we do things I have never done before.. he brings out a side of me I was not aware of.. he is so much fun!!

I think you should step back now and sort your own things out. You went straight from one messed up relationship into another. Why don't you stay single for awhile and work on yourself and see what you really want in a man. Amazing connection and being so much fun is great, as long as there is something more substantial present as well. For now, both of these men don't offer you much, so if I were you, I'd just leave them both alone.

Good luck.

Well you are not being fair to him either. You are both rebounds for each other and that is a toxic mix.
He needs to heal and so do you. He and his wife may not be done with each other.
Back off. Your time with this man is really over.

I think you should step back now and sort your own things out. You went straight from one messed up relationship into another. Why don't you stay single for awhile and work on yourself and see what you really want in a man. Amazing connection and being so much fun is great, as long as there is something more substantial present as well. For now, both of these men don't offer you much, so if I were you, I'd just leave them both alone.

Good luck.

Your right... thanks!!

I think you should step back now and sort your own things out. You went straight from one messed up relationship into another. Why don't you stay single for awhile and work on yourself and see what you really want in a man. Amazing connection and being so much fun is great, as long as there is something more substantial present as well. For now, both of these men don't offer you much, so if I were you, I'd just leave them both alone.

Good luck.
Have to spread some rep. Good advice!
Time to let this man go, let both of them go. Be by yourself for a while, get to know yourself by yourself. It can be an eye opening experience

This is a really good point. Something to think about...

Have to spread some rep. Good advice!
Time to let this man go, let both of them go. Be by yourself for a while, get to know yourself by yourself. It can be an eye opening experience

Ok I will try too... I was by myself for 3 years before I met my ex boyfriend.. I have found myself and I know exactly what I want from a relationship... maybe that is why it is so hard for me to find that perfect man... but I feel now that I have totally lost all contact with my ex that he was and is the one for me... I realize he was the perfect man.. I guess it is just to late... :/

Don't sugar coat it. Lay down the law. A man's actions will tell you everything you need to know. If he can't be a father and a respectful boyfriend at the same time then he needs to be single. I do believe in telling people how you feel and giving the them the chance to make it right. But put a limit on time that you give him.

Oki will try too... I was by myself for 3 years before I met my ex bf..I have found myself and I know exactly what I want from a relationship...maybe that is why it is so hard for me to find that perfect man...but I feel now that I have totally lost all contact with my ex that he was and is the one for me...I realize he was the perfect man..I guess it is just to late... :/
Well you can't substitute him with this guy, and you did say this guy showed you things about yourself you didn't know was there, so there are still things to be learned.
There is another man out there and he won't be like the one you think is perfect but he will be right for you. But you need to heal and you don't do it by going to someone else. That is just a bandage. The wound needs to air out and heal, not covered up with something else.

Well you can substitute him with this guy, and you did say this guy showed you things about yourself you didn't know was there, so there are still things to be learned.
There is another man out there and he won't be like the one you think is perfect but he will be right for you. But you need to heal and you don't do it by going to someone else. That is just a bandage. The wound needs to air out and heal, not covered up with something else.

I know.. your sooo right BUT I miss my ex so much... I still cry everyday for him, my heart aches for him. We only live 5 blocks from each other, we were inseparable, I thought he would be mine forever... I know I need to heal, but when Im with my current boyfriend, it helps me cope, I don't think about my ex as much... I just don't know how else to get over my ex.. he was the love of my life!!

You take time and heal. You busy yourself with other things. The relationship with this other man was not a fix, you don't use a person to help you cope. He has his own set of problems.
You mentioned that you have kids. How old are they? Get involved in more things with them, with other people but not in a dating situation.
Do you have any hobbies, things you really like to do but had not had time. This could be a good opportunity for you.
Don't look at the closed door, look beyond it, there is an open window. That is an opportunity as well.

1-You are not over the ex, nor are healthy enough for a healthy relationship with any one.

2-Your ex has many things going on in his life that he has to deal with, and may NOT always make you a priority in his life.

3-After only 4 months, you are thrust into a long distance relationship, that brings many more stresses on a new relationship than normal, so basically even with a title, your friends that are supposed to be having fun getting to know each other, but actually you may be too hurt souls that need someone to ease the pain you have due to past baggage. (REBOUND, for you both).

4- Its obvious you don't know each other well enough to completely trust, or even understand each others thinking, or actions, build honest communications, or even a certain comfort zone because neither of you has had enough time for a proper healing.

5-It is over reacting to think you have anything to say about how he and his ex wife raise their kids, just as it would be just as unfair that he would object to how you relate to YOUR baby daddy. Much to soon to even think about what's right and wrong, no matter the honesty between you, or how jealous, insecure or needy you both may be because it may come from the past, and has nothing to do with your present partner.

You really do need to slow down and be a friend, and get to know someone before you freak out about their ways. I seriously doubt either of you could be a good partner to any one without a proper healing, and that could take years given the situation you both are in.

Two still hurting, confused people make for lousy partners, even though you both need a friend, besides the exes, who very much still influences you both.

Too much, too fast, crash and burn.

Slow this train way down and you both need a life that you enjoy without each other with friends and activities that make you both happy. Sharing past misery and pain and unresolved issues makes for good friends, but is a lousy thing for any relationship, and honestly, neither of you is ready for that step.

What's the freakin' hurry??

You take time and heal. You busy yourself with other things. The relationship with this other man was not a fix, you don't use a person to help you cope. He has his own set of problems.
You mentioned that you have kids. How old are they? Get involved in more things with them, with other people but not in a dating situation.
Do you have any hobbies, things you really like to do but had not had time. This could be a good opportunity for you.
Don't look at the closed door, look beyond it, there is an open window. That is an opportunity as well.

I know... but I honestly do have feelings for this other man. Yes, I am very active in my children's lives. Everybody that knows me says I am super mom and they don't know how I do what I do... I love my job, I have been there for over 13 years, my ex boyfriend talked me into going back to school so I am in school fulltime as well working towards my BSN.. I stay very busy... fulltime mom, fulltime job, fulltime student BUT I still can't get him out of my mind.. I thought we would share the rest of our lives together... I have never felt this way about somebody before... I have never felt this deep for somebody before... its just so hard...

I know...but I honestly do have feelings for this other man. Yes, I am very active in my children's lives. Everybody that knows me says I am super mom and they don't know how I do what I do... I love my job, I have been there for over 13 years, my ex bf talked me into going back to school so I am in school full time as well working towards my BSN..I stay very busy...full time mom, full time job, full time student BUT i still can't get him out of my mind..I thought we would share the rest of our lives together....I have never felt this way about somebody before...I have never felt this deep for somebody before...its just so hard...
Then what you may need is a few therapy sessions, someone who can help you get over the hump of this guy, or help you figure out why you are not getting over him. I have a feeling it has something to do with the thoughts of your thinking he was perfect for you and not getting past that. If he were perfect for you, you two would still be together.
But you need help in working your way out of this maze and it is not with another man.

Then what you may need is a few therapy sessions, someone who can help you get over the hump of this guy, or help you figure out why you are not getting over him. I have a feeling it has something to do with the thoughts of your thinking he was perfect for you and not getting past that. If he were perfect for you, you two would still be together.
But you need help in working your way out of this maze and it is not with another man.

Thank you... I appreciate all your input, it has been very helpful!

Keep us posted and I wish you well