I was reading some of the other posts, and can relate to so many of the mothers out there whose daughters hate them - cause that is what I deal with. She is 26. She recently moved out to live with her boyfriend, and they will be getting married in about two to three months from now. She barely speaks to me. Only when she has to. It is so very hurtful, I can't even express it. It's like a part of me is just dead, I feel absolutely worthless. I have a few ideas why she is like this towards me. I am overweight, I recently have lost 49 lbs. though, trying to lose weight for her wedding, so I do not embarrass her completely. She thinks I have been far more generous to her older sister than to her. Her older sister has a child, she is a single mother, who gets no child support, and who my husband and I try to help out, only when we feel we can, and we want desperately not to be responsible for her anymore either, but there is a grandson involved, - who is an innocent bystander, who we cannot stand to see suffer. I paid for some of my youngest daughter's college, then she stopped going and when she started up again, we could not afford to pay for it, which I think she is extremely bitter about. She has come right out and told me she thinks we need to let our oldest daughter sink or swim, and when I try to tell or explain to her we do it for our grandson, she just does not get it. I have tried to get everything out on the table, I have asked her point blank, why does she not want anything to do with me? Why does she barely talk to me? Etc. etc. She says it is all in my mind, that she is not ignoring me, that she is like that with everyone, but I know that that is simple not true. She was my rock when I was going through my severe depression after our first daughter had a baby at 19 and did not tell us she was pregnant until after she was about 5-6 months pregnant. Then, a year later our oldest got pregnant again, did not tell us again, and decided to give that child up for adoption. That was all I could take, I had a breakdown. My youngest was very helpful during that, she tried to make me laugh, talked to me, and told me about her day at work when she came home, etc. etc. Then everything changed. She wants me to have nothing to do with her wedding, she and her fiancé are doing everything. She never even asked me about the guest list, and went with her sister to pick out her wedding dress and does not want me to see it until the wedding. We offered to help pay for the wedding, but she does not want that, she says it is her day, it's not about me. I of course know that, it is her and her future husbands day, I'm not stupid, I would just so love to be involved and helpful. I try to keep communications open, but it is so hard, cause I feel hated. I text her, to ask her how she is doing, cause we have not seen her for a while now, and she just texts' me back saying they are so busy, and then I learn from another source, (not by my asking or nosing around her business) but by involuntarily people telling me. I just feel like a useless piece of . I read one post here saying - let it go, worry about making yourself happy, I honestly don't know how you can just shut off feelings of wanting to be loved and to love your daughter, and just go on about making yourself happy. How is that done? Life is so short, so temporary, why do people and loved ones have to be like this? It should be understood that my husband has not spoken to his mother in over 15-17 years. She was a very critical woman, who never had a positive thing to say to us about our girls or our lives. We were always doing something backwards. Can anyone help me through this hurt that I feel? I have been on anti-depressant medication for about ten years now, have tried seeing a psychologist - who helped a bit, but was also frustrating. How can I deal with this? I need help, I am so hurt and sad and want to fix things, but I can't.

Hi CindyLouLin
I don't think your Daughter hates you, I do though feel she is so wrapped up in her wedding plans and all that goes with that that she's just not able to spend that much time with you.

I can understand you wanting to help with the wedding plans, have you asked her about this like what can you do to help out.

She's possibly just hoping to unburden you when she says she is paying for everything herself, she knows you help out your other Daughter, and possibly thinks you are struggling financially so doesn't want you to have even more expenses to find the cash for.

Maybe you could invite her out to coffee somewhere, or to have a meal, or something just the 2 of you, and whilst with her try not to mention your other daughter, keep the topic on her and your relationship with her, how you really want to do more for her as a Mum and that you feel you may have let her feel left out in the past and that it wasn't intentional.

Maybe this will help, as stated just keep it about her, tell her you want to be there for her, that you want to do more for her. See how this goes.

She is possibly feeling a little left out and that you are only ever interested in her older sister, you need to get this over to her that you do care for her, and she does matter to you, don't make excuses for why you've helped her sister, don't mention her sister, keep it about her, let her know she's important to you how proud of her you are, and how she's done so well.

If you intend to continue helping her sister then don't mention it to your other daughter, I feel this is what's behind her feeling as she is, she feels left out or maybe 2nd best. Or that you're all for her sister.

When you do get to see her, just keep the conversation based around her, leave all talk of her sister out of the conversation. Also don't mention how much you've done for her sister. I expect she was hurt when you couldn't help out with her college fees and she probably thinks it all her sister not her that you're interested in.
This might help.

Thanks for the advice, I will try all of the things you have suggested.

Hi Again, I hope you'll come back and let us know how this goes for you, because we do care about the posters and the advice given if it works or not, if it doesn't then I or someone will come up with another suggestion, so please do come back anytime.

I don't think she hates you hon. And I'm not pointing fingers at all, but I think the problem in this case may be that you are afraid to let your daughter go. She is an adult now, and she won't be there ALL the time anymore. She will have a husband, and children, and a home. Of course she will call you, and visit. But she is planning a wedding and getting to know her inlaws and getting her life settled and put together.

I would back off and wait it out. Send her a letter, drop her a call every now and then (few times a week not every day)

Good luck hon. Its very hard and I'm sorry. But all mommys have to go through this.

This seems really out of whack to me.

Who is the parent here, and who is the 'adult' child. Why is it so hard to tell one from the other when the roles are continuoulsy intertwined.

She is an adult, and owes you nothing. You are an adult, and you owe her nothing.

When one reaches adulthood, one has to behave as an adult. Call your own shots, take your lumps, live and learn, and rely on yourself to be a good person, wife, mother, etc. Whether you like how she is, or how she thinks, or what she does, how she lives her life, or not, you cannot control another person, or change another person, an adult person, regardless that they happen to be related to you or not!

How she regards you, is entirely up to her as well. It matters not how wrong you think she is, or how guilty you allow yourself to become over her behaviour- her behaviour belongs to her, and your reaction to it, belongs to you.

Both of you would do well to observe some boundaries with each other, and better define your roles. With so much dependency going on, consider perhaps some sort of counselling to establish a healthy distance between you so you can both become more independent of each other.