I'm a twenty-six year old male. Currently seeking employment after having had a shoulder surgery back in early May. I've been in and out of therapy for the majority of my life, and have received a variety of diagnosis' ranging from simply ADHD to things such as Manic Depressive or Bi-polarism. Mother and Father divorced when I was twelve, but unlike most children I felt this to be a blessing as my father was emotionally and mentally abusive, and occasionally physically... but never sexually. I've been on a variety of medications over the years, Methylanphetimine(or something close to that), Riddilen(again I'm sure my spelling is off), Doxepin(I know that one is right), and I'm sure some others that I can't remember off the top of my head. I remember the methyl stuff made me extremely anxious and unable to be around groups of people, the riddilen I'm not sure, and the Doxepin gave me nearly uncontrollable urges to veer into oncoming traffic. I've used a variety of street drugs over the years. I've never done kedamine or heroine, but pretty much everything else, and am currently using only marijuana, with no desire to do any of the other street drugs from my past. I've been in more relationships than I can count, some less wonderful than others. My ex was a bad meth addict(said she had quit but I found out otherwise after only a few days, and toughed it out for a few months thinking she might actually change), and she ended up back in prison. Now I'm in a relationship with a woman in here mid-thirties with two children. Things are good between us and the kids and I get along. So there was some background information.

The issue I'm having is I keep having these, for lack of a better word, anxiety attacks where I feel like I'm about to get in a fight or something horrible is about to happen. The other big issue I'm having is I keep waking up in these horribly angry moods or despressed so bad I can't seem to shake it, and when I try to come up with solutions to my problems the only thing I can seem to think is that there are no more solutions and death is looking sweeter by the second because it seems like no matter what I still can't get things to be better in my head, even if they are in the real world.

First blush.

Stop the weed,you're suffering needlessly with paranoia.

With the diagnosis of any mental illnesses,and the street drugs.. well,let's just say I've been down that road, didn't stop till I was in the last stages of life(10 suicide attempts,too many hospital visits,etc.. ) I knew better than ANYONE else how to take care of me..

In the end,it came down to listening to the suggestions offered by people I trusted,friends who would be there for me when things got tough,professionals whom I could actually believe in, and taking my medications,as prescribed,no substitutions of street drugs,drinking,whatever.No excuses about why I wasn't doing what I should be doing to keep myself clean and sober.

Doing my best mentally,to stay as stable as I could be,and furthering my knowledge of self.

I could always return to the chaos I used to be in,all it took was a line of coke,a few drinks,maybe even just a hit off a bong.. or a pain pill scrip for something I really didn't need.

The longer you stay in your head,those things you are pondering will continue to fester.

Have ANY of them had a good outcome?Mine never did.

I would keep feeding the self hatred,self doubting,vindictive thinking till I couldn't stand it anymore.. I would lash out in one way or another.Drugs,drinking,relationships,didn't matter,I would lash out and hurt all those around me so I wouldn't feel any pain(which actually didn't help me one bit,the guilt would mount shortly after and I would begin the process all over again.)

Definition of insanity:

Doing the same thing over and over,expecting different results.

Sound familiar?

I won't say I find it completely impossible that the marijuana use may be directly related to the anxiety attacks. The ones that seem to have no direct basis, but I also theorize that they may be brought on by a variety of triggers I can't always identify. It seems like the attacks are most prominent when I encounter even the slightest of discomfort. I want them under control simply because I don't like the feeling, it makes me feel all shaky.

Of all the diagnosis none of them ever actually went completely through except that of ADHD, and I am currently not and haven't been for many years prescribed to take any medication.

Plus, it goes to say I know a great deal of people who also smoke marijuana and of those people there are a decent amount who live out happy and productive lives. I find that even without the drug use I would be still unbalanced, and that is the real issue I have come here seeking assistance with. Though I am not taking the idea that it may have more to do with the drug use than I realize completely out of my mind.

Well.I wrote a response and mother nature wiped it out in no time:( Bad storms.

The 'variety of triggers' I refer to as environmental issues,not mental issues, life on life's terms.We have no control over those things(to an extent)If we hang out at a barber shop,we will eventually get a haircut,right?

Same thing if we hang out with those who smoke weed.. eventually we will get high with them.Bar's same thing,eventually we will do what those we hang out with do.

Changing our playmates,playgrounds and playthings is the first step to stopping the environmental issues from being a variable.

Medications are only helpful if:
1) we think they are necessary
2) we believe in them and
3) we take them as prescribed.

A doctor can assess you as ADHD/bipolar,but if you continue to do the things which make you unstable,why take any meds,much less visit the doc in the first place?

Knowing those who smoke and are seemingly functional is your perception,perhaps they think YOU are functional, see what I mean?

Your last sentence says a lot to me,open minded to suggestions from others.

If you want to get a better grip on life,you might need to take ideas from others,not just me,by no means do I have all the answers,I can only suggest what worked for me.

If others pipe in on this thread(post/question,etc),they might have a different view of things.

A professional meeting with a doctor, counselor, or therapist would be a step in the right direction.Cost shouldn't be an issue.How much would someone pay for having the freedom from the bondage of self?How do you put a price on peace and serenity?

Hope you write back:)

KBC

So it's been a while since I last posted on this thread, I attempted waiting out the appt for a psych eval but life got in the way and I missed it. I figured once they had some idea of what was wrong with me they'd be able to help, but now it's too late. I'll be moving before they can get me in for another appt.

This have been getting progressively worse again. There was a short period of improvement, but it went away quickly. Now everything is as bad, if not worse, than it was before.

I still have no job, it's been nearly a half a year now, but a great deal of this is due to physical limitations due to my recent shoulder surgery, while the remainder of it is related to career restrictions(there are certain jobs people won't hire me to do). I feel useless. I spend my days "taking care of the kids" which really doesn't entail much, and as much as I tell myself to do things I just don't.

All I want to do is sleep, all the time, but at night when everyone else is asleep I'm generally fine. No matter what time of day/night it is I still am so irritable, and problems in my life just eat away at me, even little things, for days. I love my girlfriend and kids, but at the same time I just wish they'd leave me alone, they always want me to do something(which I realize is fine), which just makes me feel so bothered all the time.

I try to find things to do to entertain me, but then something always happens and I can't enjoy it anymore. I just can't find anything to do that I enjoy anymore, I'm always so down-trodden about everything, and the motivation problems continue to interrupt even recreational activities. Hell, I barely smoke marijauna anymore because I lack the motivation to even go through the trouble of cleaning it.

I still perform mundane tasks around the house, but I'm really just a giant lump, always waiting to explode. I'm a glorified babysitter.

As for your previous post I appreciate the concerns related to marijuana use you seem very adamant about, though I have seen your expertise through other posts concerning problems that are not directly related to drug use, and would appreciate it if you would take a step back and reevaluate your perception of the key problem in this case. Please do not take that to mean I do not appreciate your obviously knowledgeable opinion about the drug use, and I will happily return to further conversation concerning it, but at this time I would like to explore the other possibilities and solutions concerning these issues.

Considering you're the only person even responding to my posts, I will happily read any further responses, regardless of their content. Thank you for your time.

Methylamphetamine, dextromethamphetamine, methamphetamine, all the same thing. Frequently prescribed in treatment of ADHD. A powerful psychostimulant. (the same drug, albeit in pure form, that your girlfriend was addicted to)

Ritalin (Methylphenidate) also frequently prescribed in ADHD. Also a powerful psychostimulant.

Doxepin, is a tricyclic antidepressant and anti-anxiety agent (anxiolyctic).

You note that you were diagnosed with ADHD and Manic Depression (used interchangeably with bipolar, generally). It would be helpful to know

1) the sequence of these diagnoses, which came first,
2) your age at the time of each diagnosis and year,
3) same physician or different for each diagnosis,
4) which drugs prescribed for which diagnosis,
5) how long did you take each one, and
6) at the time of either diagnosis were you using street drugs?

Your response to the drugs was predictable with the stimulants. Agitation. The dangerous thoughts and/or behaviors with the tricyclic is a known side effect and particularly prevalent in those under age 25.

I have the greatest respect for KBC, one of the most empathic and knowledgeable experts on the site, but I'm inclined to agree with your assessment of the MJ use. MJ is an erratic substance and can have widely variant effects between individuals, but, based on you description, probably not operative in your current condition.

It's clear that you are suffering through some emotional distress but the feelings and emotions you describe could be founded in a wide range of problems. While I can't, and no one can, diagnose based on a brief internet description if you can clarify the above issues we might get you facing in the right direction for the help needed.

In the meantime, you should force yourself into some physical activity for at least an hour each day. Take the kids for a walk, go out and work on the lawn, or any activity that causes you to move about and exert yourself. Easy to say and hard to motivate, but very necessary. Inactivity feeds depression and depression leads to inactivity. A vicious cycle. The free-floating anxiety you describe is the source of the irritability and may be related to the depressive mood as well. Break the cycle and get moving as a first step.

Wow,praise indeed from a friend(doc), I am touched.. :o

My being so adamant about the weed is from this,taking the variables out of the equation.

Remove the water from the equation and there can be no ice.Remove the hydrogen from the same equation and there can also be no ice.

Taking all the items that have direct or indirect relation to mental stability,the process of elimination,selectively adding the possibilities back into the equation and finding what might be the triggers.

I was on an elimination diet as a kid,they were looking for the reasons for my hyperactivity.It went from removal of this to the removal of that,doing this at this interval and that at another,it took a long time.

In the end,they decided that I was reacting to additives in almost EVERY food ,preservatives to be precise.(BHA/BHT/GBH, I can't remember the exact ones,but something along those lines)

So for a year,I lived on little other than prepared food that didn't have any of these in them(there wasn't much else to choose from back in the 70's)

Point is,they found what they believed to be the triggers to my hyperactivity by the process of elimination.

The same thought process still is used today for emotional and mental distress.If possible,removal of as many of the triggers from the equation and the results can then be diagnosed with a lot more accuracy than with all those extras.

During my time being treated for bipolar disorder I have been on(and off) medications.Sometimes willingly(and deliberately)for my own reasons/purposes.Sometimes for the professionals to 're-diagnose' my situation.

They didn't do the step down,removal process because they were treating me wrong or unprofessionally,it was done with my approval and willingness to see if I really needed the meds any longer.In a short time(some less than others)I had relapses,manic behaviors returned or depression became an issue which either or both had to be addressed.

My doubt was removed,albeit over the 15 or so years now that I have been treated,it took many times of 'I know better than you','I know me better than you do'and'I can treat me better than you can'.

I acquiesced eventually about a year ago.

I guess the same went for the diagnosis of diabetes,I was diagnosed more than 2 years ago,very high blood sugar, lasted months,, months you say? Hmm.. it was triggered and maintained not by too much sugar intake,not diet,no,it was medications(namely Seroquel).The process of elimination and subsequent removal of this from my system has me no longer treated for diabetes(although they say I am 'at risk', I no longer have to take insulin,metformin,or another one I was on)I haven't changed my diet,I am doing the same thing I was doing before this diagnosis.

Elimination of a variable .

Now does what I am saying make sense?

Wow,praise indeed from a friend(doc),,I am touched..:o

My being so adamant about the weed is from this,taking the variables out of the equation.

Elimination of a variable .

Now does what I am saying make sense?

Nothing wrong with your logic. Only slight variation in approach between us.

Nothing wrong with your logic. Only slight variation in approach between us.

Sorry, I was addressing the OP,not you doc, I wasn't thinking:(

But,yes,we are on the same page.

Just a note to the OP.

I know that several people keep up with this thread. I believe no one else posted because KBC was doing such a good job he left little if anything to add.
Unless you're DrBill, with his credentials and experience I am sure he can always add something.

You have the A team working for you.

I will respond more in full later, but I feel at this moment it is important for me to clear something up.

I realize having read the following posts I might have sent the wrong message before. I hope I did not accidentally imply that I was not receiving decent help, I understand that there are hundreds of people posting, if not thousands ever day, or perhaps week.

The intent of the final paragraph of my previous entry was merely to reassure KBC that though I would like to change the subject slightly, I did not want to lose his assistance fully.

Sorry if that came off as a complaint of lack of proper service, as I realize now it might have appeared, this was surely not my intent.

Thank you, and I will post more fully in the next day, or two.

I will respond more in full later, but I feel at this moment it is important for me to clear something up.

I realize having read the following posts I might have sent the wrong message before. I hope I did not accidently imply that I was not recieving decent help, I understand that there are hundreds of people posting, if not thousands ever day, or perhaps week.

The intent of the final paragraph of my previous entry was merely to reassure KBC that though I would like to change the subject slightly, I did not want to lose his assistance fully.

Sorry if that came off as a complaint of lack of proper service, as I realize now it might have appeared, this was surely not my intent.

Thank you, and I will post more fully in the next day, or two.

You haven't.

I have had little AMHD effort in the last few weeks,it's not you or your situation that has me doing this.

If I can offer any advice or support in a constructive manner,I will,otherwise I am tending to keep to self.

Being a volunteer site,as martinizing said,many are monitoring this(and many other) posts and will chime in if they see a need to fill,perhaps they will see one at this time.

Well, I feel its time for a short update... I had nearly forgotten about this posting at all honestly, sorry all.

We have moved clear across the country now, and things seem to be much better. I continue to be a rather irritable person which bothers me a bit, but for the most part I am feeling much better. Yes, it has been quite some time since I last got a chance to smoke any marijauna, and after a unpleasant experience with what I'm almost certain was a laced product, I doubt I'll be trying very hard to take the old addiction back up.

As silly as it sounds, aside from a rough sickness I'm going through, I feel much healthier and feel I should rightly credit the Nintendo Wii system and the game Wii Fit Plus, which I and the whole family are using on a daily basis currently. The move has forced us to become very close, something I can't complain about at all.

I suppose really what I'm getting at is that life has taken a great turnaround in the last few weeks. There have been some serious arguments, but that's to be expected in a relationship. At this point my anxiety has also turned from being completely discomforting to an occasional issue, though I seem to be over-reacting to many outside influences. We've moved to what appears to be a decent neighborhood during the day, but at night is far from safe and I spend a great deal of time concerned for the safety and well-being of my children and girlfriend. Of course I'm always open to further advice and would like to thank all of those who have added input during this rather unusual conversation. I would also like to apologize for being difficult at times concerning certain lines of advice.

Something interesting I failed to mention previously is that I have been having extremely vivid dreams over the last few weeks as well. They vary as to their content and plausibility in reality, but they are all very, very clear and stick with me for great periods. I can still remember clearly a few dreams I had at least a month ago, and every dream in the last few days is clear as a bell. Just something I thought I might bring up.

Though I'm sure it's likely not related I recently(about a month ago) saw a movie called Inception which is based on people invading other peoples dreams and the power such dreams can have over a person when they are awake. These vivid dreams didn't really begin until after I'd seen the movie, though not immediately.

Your writing witnesses a positive turn-around. Your expressions an acceptance of surrounding circumstances and your ability to deal effectively with them. That is very positive.

Reference the marijuana use. It looks like KBC was closer to the target than I was, i.e. paranoia. It can have that effect on some individuals. Very unpredictable. Regardless, if things are better since stopping don't challenge success!

In relation to vivid dreaming. Are you currently taking any prescription drugs? Some have that side effect.

Otherwise, and particularly since such dreams don't seem to be disturbing, they should not be a cause for concern. Many people have such dreams and detailed recall. There is no reason to associate that with the negative. I would be inclined to view it as positive in that it could very well indicate that your mind has cleared... allowing for retention or recognition that was previously subdued by depressive thoughts. It is more than likely an idiosyncratic response.

It's very thoughtful of you to follow-up. Please continue to do so.

Wish you the best. Seems like you have come a long way, made vast improvements. Keep it up.

All right, another month has passed since last I posted, and things have changed quite a bit in the last month. I'm finally working again, though I'm fairly dissatisfied with my current job as a simple fast-food employee, I'd honestly like to be running my own fast-food restaurant, and have done so previously, but they'd like me to move up from the inside again seeing as how the franchise I previously ran a store for collapsed and no longer exists. Christmas has just passed, and New' Year's is fast approaching, though financially we seem to be keeping it together, tight but together.

Home life has become a hassle again, I spend a lot of time feeling hassled, as if I never have any time for myself, though I know that's not really the case. It's just whenever any asks me to do anything I feel like it's the biggest chore, and as is my standard become irritable about it, though I've managed to keep my unfounded outbursts mostly under control. The consistent problem of tidiness has returned, though a lot of it I hope will be solved before much longer, after this posting I'll be working on getting a desk(and other essentials to prepare a filing center of sorts), hopefully this will assist in keeping the paperwork from cluttering so quickly.

In a few more months things will finally come together when taxes arrive, currently we're sharing a vehicle and going to the laundromat, but after taxes I will be able to get another vehicle, and a washer and dryer. I just keep trying to tell myself it's all going to work out, but I'm falling into another depression. It seems remeniscent of the original problem I came here with. Honestly, you could easily take my complaints from any of my previous posts and put them in here and they would fit nicely. Is this what they call cycling when they refer to manic-depressives or bypolarism? *heh*

I do see some immediate solutions to the problems, and at the very least am no longer stuck in the whole, "I have a problem, so I should kill myself because there will never be a solution" thing. I see right away that I need to become more active, from reading a few previous posts that seems to be a factor, and has been mentioned by others to be a factor, in the problems I'm having. I also am as I said going to attempt to solve the clutter problem, and at least realize there is a solution coming to some other problems we're having.

The vivid dreams have stopped, now I don't know if I dream at all anymore. On a final note, I came across a marijuana connection again, and having been using regularly as I used to. We actually decided we'd be better off with it because we(My girlfriend and I) were becoming overwhelmed with things without it. Now that we have it again we're using it to cope with exxagerated emotions, alongside recreationally, and to combat pain.

All right then, end rant. Thank you all again for listenning and responding.

I've finally accepted I can not do this alone. I'm seeking help, again. I do this fairly often, agree I need professional help, then by the time the appointment comes(usually at least a month from when I set it) I don't go.

I went to the last one I arranged, but we had been forced to move to just on the other side of the border to the state that was providing the counseling service so I was not allowed to use their services.

I will definitely have to keep this one. When I made the last one I'd reached a point where I could barely control my impulses, and the impulses I was having were far from healthy or safe for me and sometimes for others. It got bad enough we were going to have me temporarily committed, but decided against it when we realized the financial burdens it would put us under would just make things worse. Those feelings eventually subsided.

It's been nearly four months since the last major problems, and I've gotten right back to that point. I spend the majority of my time wishing I was dead, and when I'm not wishing I was dead I'm just so depressed that I can't convince myself to do anything, which is just making me more depressed. I keep telling myself to get up and do stuff(even little things) but for some reason I just never actually do them.

Of course, I love my family and I don't want them to suffer because of my choices, but I honestly believe they, and my mother, and all those who know me currently would be better off without me; maybe not right away, but in the long run. I've been nothing but a financial and emotional burden to all these people for so many years and none of them have deserved it. I don't want to keep taking and taking. I don't even believe that seeking help will help, but I have to at least try I suppose.

I think what bothers me the most is that I know I'm extremely intelligent, with all this incredible potential to do nearly anything and all this amazing ideas that could revolutionize life as we know it, but for some reason I can't get the world to see that. I've made all these mistakes and poor choices over the years and now that I want to change all that and actually do something with my life society won't let me based on my past. Though I suppose a lot of it is related to how I carry myself, even when I feign wellness most people can probably see through it. I want to be a person the world will look to and say, "He's just the guy we need." or "Him? Oh, he can do it. He can do anything."

I don't know what I'm expecting to hear, or anything honestly. Hell I wouldn't be too terribly surprised if there were no responses to this most recent post being that the original post is so old, and I've not updated it in nearly a year, but this is the only place I've ever come to vent my feelings and seek advice, so here I am.

I've also reread the post and would like to apologize if it seems all over the place, I've actually rewritten it three or four times and honestly still am not satisfied with what I've written but I'm posting it anyway.

I called a place and I'm going in today for crisis counseling. Hopefully this will lead to some sort of expedited psych eval or something.

I called a place and I'm going in today for crisis counseling. Hopefully this will lead to some sort of expedited psych eval or something.

Glad to hear that. An objective third party can often help you organize your thoughts and prioritize actions. Sounds like that is what you need at the moment.

Once you get back, please check in and let us know how things went.

If there is anything you need to discuss in the meantime, fire away