I was with my fiancé for 3 years and engaged for almost a year. We moved into an apartment together in March, before we both lived at home with parents. She is 36 and I am 28. After moving in together things were great for a while then verbal fights started. Little things though. Mostly because of me. I didn't care for her cooking and she took forever to come home from work(she was always late for everything). I believe I was just insecure I guess. Well before we got engaged she was unsure about us. We took a vacation a few months later and I proposed and she accepted. Last month, I asked if we could set a date for the wedding and she told me me that she was unsure she wanted to and was unhappy. I got suspicious and snooped a little and found out she was texting and calling this guy from her work (away and while at work). I got jealous and an argument insued. The next day she gave the ring back and said she was moving back to her parents. It has been a week now and most of her stuff is still in the apartment (comes and gets a few things once in a while). She says she still loves me and cares for me but just is not unsure she wants to be with me the rest of her life. I know I need to change some in order to have a life partner. We still see each other every other day or so sue to a club we belong to and it was my birthday recently. We are suppose to go bowling together tonight. I just need to know if it sounds like this is a permanent breakup or that she just needs some space and how long do I give it before moving on? I love her and always will

When a person in a relationship says they want space the best thing the other can do is give them that space, and also to prepare to accept that the relationship is on its last legs.

For some reason your g/f is not happy in the relationship, and is having serious second thoughts, it may be the person she's been texting is appealing to her more. Which if true than she would be being fair if she told you of this.

Or perhaps its just that having lived with you for some time she is feeling that she cannot face this on a long term basis. I see she's a few years older than you and was living at home until you and she moved in together.

There are or could be a 101 reasons she wants a break, all you can do is let her have this break, it could be that once she's had time to resolve and process everything on her own she returns to the relationship and it goes from strength to strength, however you do need to get prepared for her to say she wants out.

For now though give her the space she wants.

Any break in a relationship that is more than a few days is not a break anymore, it is a break up.

For one moving in together for the first time there is always going to be a fight to start, one because your not use to what the other one does.

Another thing is, never snoop, I learned that the hard way. Everyone needs there space. With you snooping shows that your not ready for a long term relationship. Its all about trust baby!

Give her time, don't push it, and don't bring up anything negative in the relationship. Just let time heal.

If she loves you, and cares about you like she says she does. She will make up her mind. But don't rush anything. And if she were to be talking to another guy and does go back to you, you are obviously more important in her life, then the other guy was.. or else she wouldn't further more the relationship.

These are all things you have to put together.

If she can't accept you for who you are then you sure don't need to be dating and hoping she comes back. Why not just ask her what's going on, but personally, when she gave the ring back, and was unsure about a future together and went home to her parents, then her stuff would be delivered the next day, and you should be doing your own thing without her. In my opinion!!

No matter what she thinks, I would have made it permanent, and disappeared from her life, so as not to be burdened with false hope of her changing her mind.

Well we went bowling tonight(her idea by the way) it was an OK time. Nothing came up about the relationship until afterwards when she brought me home. Pretty much got no answers from he didn't want to push it. Same thing she always says that she loves me and cares for me but she needs to think. Says the bickering was a major thing that I was acting childish about little things.

Have to spread the rep talaniman

I agree with what you say though, I would only need to be told once I was no longer wanted and Id be gone faster than proverbial sh*t off a shovel. Don't ever hang around where you're not wanted, and even if you only think you're not wanted don't stick around, move on and get over it. Life lived in false hope is not life being lived at all.

That's the thing positiveparent, she never said that she no longer wanted me in her life. She told me that she need time to think. To think if being with me the rest of her life is what she wants or to just remain friends. She even has suggested twice that if she could not get her name off the lease that she would live with me as a friend (that was a little confusing). To me this sounds like she is just scared and has cold feet about it all. Because if this whole thing was about not being able to live with me why would she even offer to do so as friends when I tell her that even if her name was still on the lease that I would not hold her to paying her half?

My girlfriend did this to me also. I was with her for over 3 years, then she wanted a break. I was full of false hope that she would come back and we would be happy again. But we didn't man. She said it was just temporary, but it wasn't. You have to go NC, don't contact her at all. I would send her all her stuff or leave it at the parents house when she's not there. Giving the ring back should speak volumes. Don't wait around for her, you deserve better man. The quote in tal's signature is hella true, "never make a person a priority in your life, while allowing them to make you an option in theirs"

Just an update. She is still moving things out of the apartment. Her father has been coming over to help with the bigger objects. No arguments or anything which is good. Still no answer from her about this being over over. She kind of just avoids the question. I don't know why she did my dishes though?! When she left the apartment Monday night after packing up her truck with stuff, she gave me a hug very tightly like we used to and kissed me on both cheeks then just stared in my eyes. I don't know what to make of that. She also said goodnight and I love you before she left. Last night was our clubs horseshoe night. Nothing was said between us except for hi. I left early and I get a text saying "i didnt get 2 say goodbye guess i will just come over tomorrow to get more stuff i need a break bye." Also when she was talking to my grandfather she called him gramps which I have told her before that if she wasn't with me to not do that. Im getting mixed signals'

Im getting mixed signals'

No your not.

She's just letting you down easy and your reading the signals wrong.

She wants a break
She's moved out
She gave you the ring back.

What's mixed in that?

Just because she's being nice when she sees you means nothing. It suits her.

Do you really want to be around when she brings her new man to the "horseshoe nite"??

You need to read some threads on here. Cut contact and leave her alone.

Clinging to hope as she and her family move her things out is not good.
She is moving on, maybe with some sorrow, but she is moving on.

Break ups can be hard for both parties. She may be having somewhat of a hard time and doesn't know how to be totally honest with you thinking she is sparing your feelings instead of giving false hope.

I would break contact. All contact and begin the healing process while you move on.

This may give you the perspective you need to see what the reality of the situation is.

I wish you well and hope you find happiness.

I don't contact her at all. But I do have to see her because of the club. I have been a member of the club since 5 and she joined just before we got together. We both don't want to leave the club it is who we are. I know I have to deal with that in a mature manner and I believe I have by just staying out of her way and not communicating unless it is necessary to for club business due to our involvement in the club's business. I don't call, text, or email her at all. The only contact is just being at the club and her moving things out. Like I said I don't start any communication she starts the communication.

Then you have a reason to be polite, even friendly, but don't bother trying to be friends, and be unavailable to her, except in passing.

There are no mixed signals, as for whatever reason, her feelings have changed, and its not up to her to give you closure, you simply accept that for your own good, you need to make the decision for yourself that you are no longer a couple, and not expect her back.

You certainly have enough facts for that.

I know talaniman is right. I just want her to say that its over. To know she does not want me and will move on I believe will help me to move on. Until I hear that from her it is hard for me not to have even the slightess bit of hope that she just needs to figure out what she truly wants. I do promise everyone on here that as I do have hope that things can work out I do not expect it and will respect her decision. All I am doing by posting on here is trying to get advice, guidance, and to vent. Thanks to all who respond to this thread and I will keep you all posted if you wish.

Of course guy we do understand the venting part, and its helpful to reread your own words after a few days to see where your head is at.

I think we all have to have irrefutable evidence to move on (so called closure), but when we depend on the ex to give us what we need, we are often disappointed.

Acceptance=closure, and is much easier on our dignity, and self respect, and self esteem.

Just bow out gracefully with class. Keep us updated, or when you have questions, or just want to vent.

I will do talaniman. Very little communication between us tonight while she was packing. Only thing that came up was the lease. Told her ill make a decision soon on that. Either make her pay her pay the her half of the entire lease or just until she is completely moved out. I don't know yet. Other then that all that was said was see you tomorrow from her told her to call first I may be out and about tomorrow.

There are no mixed signals.Its very clear to all of us here that this woman has broken up with you and started moving on.A relationship as long as 4 yrs can't just end.There are always traces,memories,remnants.Even if one moves on,he/she would still have lingering traces of the relationship and togetherness in their actions,words,habits.Its normal.Calling your grandpa Gramps could just be that.Saying I Love You could be that as well.Or maybe she truly loves you but isn't in love with you anymore.Theres a difference.

You're naturally reading all of this as "mixed signals" since you aren't over her yet.Which is also normal.But if you take her words and actions at face value,its clear as crystal that she's called it off.

Face this truth.Internalise it.Grieve,cry and move on.Nobody knows what the future holds but we can't let go of the present wishing for something to happen in future,i.e in your case her coming back.Who can't say that there will be a time when she could try coming back but you,the new you who's grown and wisened in between,wouldn't want to do so?

Or maybe she truly loves you but isn't in love with you anymore.Theres a difference.


Could you or someone please explain this to me? I understand the family and friend love thing, but how does one go from in love with you to loves you but not in love with you anymore?

Could you or someone please explain this to me? I understand the family and friend love thing, but how does one go from in love with you to loves you but not in love with you anymore?


By saying someone could still love you but not be IN love with you that means for example, You Love your Mom, your Dad Sister Friends, but you're not in love with them. We often love other people but we are not in love with them, being IN love is different it means you want to be with that person as often as you can be, because its what you want, but you don't feel that way about say your Mum, Dad etc. Hope this helps.

how does one go from in love with you to loves you but not in love with you anymore?
When they are in love with you, its unconditional, and they want to be with just you, but over time their feelings change, and they still have good memories, and will forever more than likely, but they have different priorities, and options they would rather pursue without you. The thrill is gone, and it happens a few times in every ones life.

You will get a better understanding when YOU experience a change in feelings for someone, and no longer consider them a top priority in YOUR life. For now, your on the hurting side, and make no mistake, you will hurt just as much when its your turn to dump a good partner for no other reason than, you're NOT as in love, as you were.

Thats the thing positiveparent, she never said that she no longer wanted me in her life. She told me that she need time to think. To think if being with me the rest of her life is what she wants or to just remain friends. She even has suggested twice that if she could not get her name off of the lease that she would live with me as a friend (that was a little confusing). To me this sounds like she is just scared and has cold feet about it all. Because if this whole thing was about not being able to live with me why would she even offer to do so as friends when I tell her that even if her name was still on the lease that I would not hold her to paying her half?

Sounds to me like she is not into you anymore except as maybe a friend.
When she tells you she will live there with you as a friend, that should tell you something.
You two may be on two different pages. She is not longer wanting a romantic relationship with you.

Exactly.
Her feelings have changed. Yours hasn't yet.

That's how it goes.

Acceptance first, NC, then its all up to you how you enjoy your life.

Not all people are meant to be together forever. Many for just a period. For lots of reasons.