My cousin and I are a year apart in age and grew up very close. She is the elder of the two of us. We've each had our failures and successes but both are very functional people with good lives. We've both been through hard times, too.

She has developed two habits as an adult which drive me up a wall. The first is that she always positions herself above me in conversations, and the more people are there to hear her remarks, the more she plays up this idea that she is my mentor (she's not), that she's more successful than me (she is in some ways, not in others), thinner than me and so on and so forth. It's so irritating! For example, she won't come out and say that I'm fatter than her but she'll comment on how frustrated she is to have gained weight - but then will remark that it gives her a greater "appreciation" for my struggle with weight, though I'd not said anything at all about my weight in the conversation. She can't speak of how happy she is with her marriage without dragging me into it with a comment that she hopes I remarry, or that she hopes I'll do the things she's done to find a new husband (I consider her husband, no kidding, to be the Village Idiot - I would really, truly rather be single).

The other thing she does is monopolize the conversation. She talks endlessly and if she does come up for air and the other person begins to say something, she considers the conversation over and leaves the room to use the bathroom or go out for a cigarette. The minute she's back, she resumes talking. Or, while the other person is talking, she'll walk into another room to do something acting like she can here them, but so distracted (and so distracting to the person who's speaking) that she doesn't hear a thing they say. It's exceedingly annoying.

I've told her at various times not to talk about me to other people, particularly when I'm present. I've told her not to bring up personal things about me to her friends or other people outside of the family because she only knows these things from being my family and should assume I do not want it discussed outside the family, to anyone. I've explained that while I'm happy for her, we are not in competition and I do not want her life. I've pointed out that it's rude of her to monopolize the conversation, and rude to walk out of the room when other people are speaking to her - that she can wait until they've said their part and then excuse herself. She just doesn't get how irritating it is and assumes when I say these things that I'm speaking from jealousy or am just "crabby".

How do I get through to her that her behavior is really, really irritating, socially unacceptable and alienates people? Other people comment to me about it all the time, but I can't seem to get through to her.

How often do you have to see her? You make it sound like she's next to you 24/7.

Why not find other people to hang out with instead?

She seems to be a person without a lot of confidence. At least enough to have to use you to build herself up, and feel worthy or important. To do this with an audience as I see it, as it seems to be a one way street- she talks everybody has to listen.

In one way, she knows you well. She knows that she can use you as an emotional and conversational 'prop' to bolster her stories, troubles, successes etc. Nothing she can say simply under her own ownership, is enough, she needs the support.

Sadly its temporary. People get bored easily, and run for cover when she returns.

I don't think that she intentionally uses you to hurt you, and you probably agree, considering the long history you have had together.

If you weren't around and she had a close girlfriend, she would do the same to her.

It is a need that may never be satisfied, and that will likely mean she will continue to do these annoying and self-serving things until she has reason not to.

The only reason she would stop using you in this way, is for you to understand where it's coming from and why, and gently, without anger or in an accusatory way, tell her in simple terms, not to reference you or talk about you under any circumstances. Give her a few examples like the ones you have given here. She will object and deny, and most likely tell you you are making too much of it, or she didn't intend to hurt your feelings, but, stand your ground.

Then, after being straight up with her, and you find yourself in a situation where she begins again, turn and walk away. If she doesn't have a 'prop' there to validate what she is saying (which you appear to do because you just take it), she will get the point.

She wouldn't dare do this sort of thing with her boss, she'd get her butt fired. Think of it that way- if she can understand enough to know that it is inappropriate to some people, that 'some people' should also include you.

Just as a piggy back onto what Jake has stated, when you turn and walk away, keep on walking. Meaning, stay quiet and don't interact with her for a while. Give her time to digest what you have said & that you are very serious about it.

She needs to understand there are consequences to her actions. The consequence is that you withdraw from her and there is the very real possibility of losing you. Which I am sure she doesn't want.

BTW, when she questions you as to why you have withdrawn, explain it to her again. Be patient. It is going to take a little while for you to re-train her to interact with you the way you expect her to. Initially, she might behave for a short while. When she backslides, go through the whole procedure again. Eventually, you should be able to break her of this terrible habit. Good luck!

Thank you all for your advice and feedback. I was at her house last night for dinner and the first time I started speaking to her, she left the room to use the bathroom without so much as an "excuse me". She returned and started yammering again, and the moment I started talking, she left the room for a cigarette, interupting me to say, "I'll be right back". She did it a third time, so I left a note on the counter "I'll see you when you aren't so busy that you can't stay in the room when I'm speaking to you - I've said three sentences since I arrived an hour ago and you've walked out on me all three times." She was having her cigarette outside the back door so I left through the front.

She called back and said I was being "rediculous" to which I responded, "NO, I'm being bored. Nobody wants to go to dinner with someone who alternates between monopolizing the conversation and leaving the room. It's like taking turns between being in a lecture and waiting in line. It's not fun, and this is my free time - my time for fun - so I left." She then complained to her mother (my aunt) and my aunt totally backed me up and told my cousin she had it coming and I should have done it years ago.

My cousin still hasn't called me, and I've yet to discuss her other bad habit of trashing me in unfavorable comparissons to herself in front of our relatives and mutual friends, but one thing at a time.

Thanks to everyone for your thoughtful advice.

I think you handled that beautifully. Well done.

I think you handled that beautifully. Well done.

I agree.. maybe she's talking right now with someone and doesn't have time to talk to you. Good luck:)

Beautifully, beautifully handled all the way through!

I found this to be especially perfect!
" It's like taking turns between being in a lecture and waiting in line. It's not fun, and this is my free time - my time for fun - so I left."
Pure Genius!

How does it feel to be empowered & in control of a situation?:)

Good on you girl!

In addition to the others, you've definitely got my support as well. Way to stand up for yourself! You did it in an honest and respectful manner.

Let her digest what has been said to her by those around her and see what happens. Maybe this is a turning point for her.

Otherwise, you're right, you shouldn't have to put up with that. If you don't like it, then just walk away. No need to force yourself to be somewhere that you don't.

Good for you!

Thank you all.

Good for you. You did exactly the right thing.