Hello all, quick bit of background info… I am 24 and came out of a five and a half year relationship at the start of March. She had been my first girlfriend and we had been going out since the first day of university. The break up was brutal and obviously hit me very hard. To help to start to get over my ex I joined an online dating site where, about two months after I split from my ex (around mid-May), I met a 33 year old single mum. When I met her I thought she was quite attractive and she made it abundantly clear that she was up for coming back to my place after the meal. This was a big deal for me as I had only ever slept with my ex.

Anyway, we ended up having a great night and tentatively laid plans to meet up again some time. Sure enough she texted me later in the week and we agreed to meet up that weekend. Over the next two months we met up every weekend and had recently begun to see each other during the week. I could feel myself falling for her so was pleased when she suggested we become exclusive, yet not yet enter into a full blown relationship. This is where things started to unravel slightly.

She had a lot of baggage and was clearly still not over her ex (who had recently come back into the picture begging her to marry him). She had also been with a number of men and it was fairly clear that she was dealing with various issues. While this made me slightly uncomfortable I was having a great time and chose to ignore the huge red flags.

In the last few weeks I began to fall for her big time, although it is only by looking back that I figure a lot of this was to do with loving the fact that I was no longer alone and had essentially substituted her into my ex’s place. It also became abundantly clear that she was not over her ex, but again I chose to ignore it. She was also always looking for reasons our relationship would fail and she often said that she felt jaded by all her failed relationships.

Last Friday I basically said that I only wanted to stay together if I thought there was some future in what we were doing. She responded by saying that she didn’t think she could commit and that the timing was really bad. She thought she hadn’t been single for long enough and wanted to take some time to herself. While this is fair enough I did feel as though I had been led on: she was the one that texted to arrange a second date, she was the one who suggested we become exclusive, and she was the one who suggested we see more of each other during the week.

I thought I had saved it by back tracking, but while I was out of town over the weekend I couldn’t shake the feeling that our relationship was over. Sure enough this Monday she sent me a “I need to talk to you” text and when we spoke that evening she explained that she wanted to end our relationship. We chatted on for about an hour and agreed that maybe we could be friends in the future, but for the time being I wanted to go No Contact.

The break up has hit me very hard, more so than I thought it would, and over the last few days I have felt surprisingly sad. She was the first woman I had had strong feelings for since I split from my ex and despite the huge red flags and obvious difficulties in pursuing a long term relationship, thought that we might have had a future together.

Looking back after a few days and having chatted to my family and closest friends, it is obvious that I was on the rebound and leapt head first into a relationship with someone who was not really suited to me (and who was obviously also on the rebound) and with whom a long term relationship would probably not have worked. I know the fact that I was enjoying myself so much, the distraction from thoughts of my ex, and the notion of having someone to do something with blinded me to the obvious issues.

I am still very sad that our relationship ended as I did genuinely like her and thought she was incredibly sweet. It’s also hard to imagine her going back to her ex, which is probably what she will do. However, I know that while it does hurt a lot right now that in the long run breaking up was definitely for the best. It will also give me a chance to finally embrace being single, something I didn’t do when I broke up with my ex. Anyway, I have rambled on for quite a while and feel like I have had a good vent. Any words of advice, or tips for avoiding rebounding once again, would be much appreciated. Cheers.

rollwithit - what's up, man?

I think you've painted a pretty clear picture of your situation. And it's certainly not uncommon as I have experienced rebound temptation as well as countless others I know.

Truthfully, I don't think there is any real tip to avoiding rebounding again other than your own commitment to avoid a rebound. You have even admitted that being alone "...will also give me a chance to finally embrace being single, something I didn't do when I broke up with my ex." Only you can really determine whether you will be single or rebound... that's just the way it is.

I will say that the thing that is the hardest to manage while being single is loneliness. If you are a person who is not comfortable being by yourself, it will be hard. Not just loneliness but your own sexual desires. Let's face it, that is not easy to manage either. But I believe that if you settle it in your heart that for a season of your life you want to be single, then you can do it. But don't do it just to be single, do it to heal yourself and allow some time to reflect on your experiences in these last two relationships and determine what you can learn from them. You'll be better for it when the time comes for you to meet someone else.

To help stay focused you might think about doing things that will help to take your mind off being single. Make yourself available for activities with friends. Volunteer your time with orphanages or at local hospitals. The idea is that your life isn't over even though the relationship is. And the sooner you can begin to live your life independently, the sooner you can begin to enjoy that independence for a season, perhaps. You're still young and have time to sort out what it is you want out of life. By the time you are settled in your life, maybe you'll meet that right person for you and it will be so much better than what you have lost. That is my wish for you, my friend.

Peace.

Lets do away with the "leading you on" crap, as she didn't because you chose to follow, and you had an agenda, as she had.

To avoid being a rebound in the future its simple but a lot of work. Focus on building a life that you enjoy after a break up and don't go looking for love, or even a replacement. New friends and activities to enjoy, while you heal, and are able to get a healthy relationship with yourself. Then you can share your happiness, and not just your past misery, or present loneliness.

Thanks for the responses. I think the bit about forgetting the “leading me on” crap is right, but I suppose I’m feeling a bit angry and hurt so find it easier to place the blame on her. I did choose to follow and had a number of chances to cut my losses, particularly when it became obvious her ex was creating problems. I did reckon, however, that despite all the stuff that was going on that at the end of the day she did like me, but I must have read the situation wrong.

She did say that it was lousy timing and that had we met six months down the line things may have turned out differently. Whether she was saying that to spare my feelings I don’t know. The fact remains that I was incredibly naïve and probably should have paid more attention to what was going on and the subtle (and not so subtle) signals that she was giving off. But like I said, I was enjoying myself and was loving the closeness of being with someone, even if it was fairly superficial and with someone who was not suited to me.

It did serve to help show me that there are plenty of woman out there and, while it lasted, it was a great deal of fun. Still, I now have the chance to chill out for a while and settle back into single life, something I haven’t really experienced in almost six years. I am hurting and do feel angry that the relationship didn’t work out, but I suppose that’s a pretty natural reaction to being dumped.

I do keep replaying what I said and really regret saying that I only wanted to continue what we were doing if there was a chance that somewhere down the line we would get more serious. Slightly stupid thing to say in the circumstances, but I suppose that’s how I felt. Also finding it hard to deal with imagining her hooking up with the next random guy she sees or getting back with her ex, but again I’ve just got to man up and deal with it.

Anyway, cheers for the advice.

Been thinking a lot the last 24 hours and I can’t believe I missed (or simply ignored) the warning signs that she was on the rebound. Was I naïve, stupid, or both?

While I had chosen to go down the No Contact route with my ex, she continued to talk with her ex. I suppose I trusted that nothing was going on, but the whole thing must have been screwing with her head and ruining any chance of us having a proper relationship.

My imagination keeps running wild and I can’t stop thinking that as soon as she had hung up on me the other day she was back round his place. Maybe this is not the case, but as I have chosen to go down the No Contact route (really the only sensible way to go) I have completely cut her out of my life and have no way of knowing what she is up to.

Should I completely forget about her and move on? What happens if, and it’s a big if as it probably won’t happen, she tries to get in contact somewhere down the line? She seemed to be telling the truth when she said it was simply a matter of timing and that she really needed to be single for six months to get her thoughts straightened out.

Is there any point in even considering a reconciliation (if one were ever possible), especially as I’m 24 and just starting in my career and she’s a 33 year old single mum with a lot of baggage. Suppose what I’m trying to say is should I just accept it for what it was, a two month fling that helped provide a great distraction from my ex, and move on?