Last May, over a year ago, my boyfriend and I split up. Well he split up with me, if I'm being honest. It completely broke my heart, we had been together for 5 years since we were both 14. I still can't believe how in love with him I was when we split, well how in love with him I was for all those years. There was never a moment when I doubted how much he meant to me. It was immaculate until it neared the end of our relationship, I knew it was coming. He acted weird, he wouldn't see me and when he did he wouldn't look at me. I tried everything I knew to change his mind before he'd even ended it. The thought of being without him made me ill.

Then, it happened. He turned up at my house in the middle of the night. It was so sudden, I begged him, I mean I got down on my hands and knee's and BEGGED him not to leave me. I Have never in my life experienced emotional pain like that. I was physically sick, my nose bled. My whole world crumbled.

I didn't eat for weeks, until I passed out and ended up in hospital. I missed weeks of work. Then I started drinking, and drinking, and I lost weight then gained weight. I overdosed, I hated life. Nothing seemed worth doing without him.

We kept in contact, well he kept in contact with me.

I knew he missed me, even if it was only a little. I cried day in and day out for him, whenever I seen him I used to lose my appetite and have uncontrolable shakes.

I supposed I'm saying all this because I never thought about him much for awhile and I thought it was all over, it was done, no more tears, off the drink, enjoying life.

However, I found a Zippo lighter he'd giving me, his lighter. It was still in the box, opened it and found a passport size photo of the two of us from when we were about 15 - 16. Now I cannot stop thinking about him. I dream about him. I want to see him. I'm so scared I'll find out he completely head over heals for someone else.

But the really weird thing is, I don't want him back. I just really miss him, his company.

Unless that's just what I'm trying to tell myself.

I do not know anymore. It's just gone on for so long, maybe I'm just a total sad case that will never let him go.

Advice?

First off. Whoa. I wish I could find someone who is even remotely as loving as you are!

I believe that you are holding onto old memories dear... and no, I don't think its weird to want to see our exs. I think it's a normal feeling to somehow show them ourselves, what we have become, and show them that we are strong... even to tell them that breaking up was the best thing for us...

You will always have those memories and you will always have those dreams, relationships and love make us who we are, and are a big part of our lives. This reminds me of the movie: Eternal Sunshine of The Spotless Mind. Hold onto these memories and cherish them.

Its only been a little over a year... I wouldn't say you should be completely over him yet, sometimes it takes longer for some people, sometimes it takes shorter time for some people... Usually you can say you're over someone completely when its been 1/2 time apart as the relationship... 2.5 years is a long time though..

Just remember though.. That love is memories.. and until you can fill your mind with new memories with someone else to replace those old faded ones, you will never really get over someone. See.. some people say that until you replace the old with the new and find a new love (I mean... a serious love, the "one", or someone who is/was better than your ex) you will never truly get over it.

Yeah, sure you might be over the hurt, but you will never stop thinking about it, until you make new memories, a new love, with someone special, and then you can think about those new happy memories with your new love before you sleep... hence dreaming about them instead! :)

When it comes to your first love I don't know if you ever completely get over it. It seems a soft spot in your heart always remains.
What you need to remember is those memories are of the person they were, and how things were back in a different time. And it also seems that the bad times fade faster than the good times and the perspective is distorted.

So many times people let that soft spot that remains in the heart turn into a soft spot in the head and think they can return to the way it was.
I have never seen this turn into anything but heartache.

You have been doing well with the healing. Keep it up and stay strong. The right man will come in due time .

I wish you well

Embrace the memories for what they are--JUST memories and be happy that you no longer want him back.

We all miss your exs, especially those that have been around for a long time.

It's a normal feeling and you'll be all right. =)

Just when your feeling better about yourself and life, something triggers those old feelings to the surface again. That sucks but its pretty normal considering how long you shared those intense feelings with someone.

It will pass if you let it, and put those old keep sakes put away.