Well guys, I've also become one of the many hurt/confused/lost people to come across your forum looking for answers. Life has given me a swift kick in the ***** and I'm at amiss of what to do. Let me give you some backstory and you guys/gals can give me some advice:

I met my girlfriend back in March of 2007. I was 21 and she was 18. We actually met on a dating site, we were both just goofing around. She messaged me, I met her, we fell in love. You know the story. After about a year and a half together we moved in with each other. I was without a job for a good while and she worked hard to keep food on the table. I regret this so much and I think that led a lot to this break-up. I've had a steady job for the past 4 months (odd ones here and there before) and I have been contributing but I myself wasn't right. I had been smoking pot and she didn't like it. Not only that but I allowed the relationship to stagnate. We stopped going out together. I stopped spending the time with her that I should. She was unhappy but I didn't notice it.

Now I am of course only telling you about the negative aspects of this relationship. We had plenty of good times. I've cared for her. Cooked for her when she was tired. Done all the good things a boyfriend should do most of the time, I'm not perfect. We went on long vacations that we truly enjoyed.

It seemed to start to stagnate when we started to live together. I've never lived on my own and the idea of paying for my own bills and things was a foreign concept to me. I moved straight from parents house to living with her (big mistake I know, but you know we do these things when we're in love/young/dumb). This girl loves me I know. What hurts me the most is when I was starting to get good and I had been contributing for a while. I mean really contributing. Helping with things around the house and trying to be a good partner she dumped me. But somewhere along the line with her I stopped doing/being the person she was attracted to in the first place but she still loved me. I stopped being self-confident, ambitious, I quit going to school (she's already got her bachelors, working on masters) and more. I don't know why I allowed this to happen or why it did. Now on to the actual break-up. Wednesday of last week we had a little spat in the morning as I was driving her to school. We fought a little and I apologized for it. Then by text she says, "I don't want to be in this relationship anymore, I'm unhappy." I begged her, pleaded with her and she told me to give her some space. I even talked to her later that evening and in front of her threw away all of my smoking material because a person is way more important than a plant. Now comes Thursday, I was upset cause my work was screwing me over so I went to talk to her because I wanted to keep her up to date on my work situation so we could work through it. She said she had a knot in her stomach and it was hard for her to be around me. She was honestly nice to me though and gave me a hug. She even sat on my lap and told me just to give her some space and time. I agreed, even though it hurt me to. I called her later that evening to see that she made it home from her night class and she told me she was with her mom. The next day I ask if I can go by the apartment to get some lunch and she says OK. She texts me and says, "I'm really unhappy could you please let me go." All of a sudden she was very final when the day before she gave me a chance. When she came by the apartment I was still there and I begged and pleaded with her. I acted like a fool but I couldn't control my emotions. After she left to work I even called her at work like a fool. God that was dumb. I wrote her a few dumb notes that were emotional and contained nothing of real substance, at least not to her and I regret writing them.

I realized that I allowed myself and she enabled me to become dependent on her and that was a very bad thing. I realize you should never be dependent on anyone but yourself. This girl was wonderful you guys and I miss her so much. I have to get my things out of the apartment this Wednesday and that's hard. I know the only thing I can do is respect her space and privacy. I haven't contacted her (since my dumb begging/calling stuff) except to tell her I agree with the break and that things could never continue the way the were. I truly get the impression that she just wants to be alone for a while to find out what she truly wants. I've never abused her, never hurt her physically, none of that. I just became lazy, not confident, and lacked ambition. All these things are unattractive traits to her, most women probably. Now that we are broken up I regret all of these things immediately and I've changed myself already. I've sworn never to smoke again. It never got me anywhere. It's a waste of money, time, and it made me complacent. I've been running every day and getting back in shape. Eating the right things, etc.

I want to get back to the self I was a year and a half ago and the person she fell in love with in the beginning. The confident, ambitious, pro-active man that I was. That's what she wants and not only what she wants, what I want. When I'm going full-bore and all cylinders are firing I know I'm a good catch. We had a lot of turbulent nights sometimes and I think because we always got back together that I thought no matter what happened we'd get back together. It's not that I became a bad person its just that I became someone I wasn't and someone I never want to be again. It hurts that now that I've lost her its woken me up. Made me realize that I have to do things for me because the way I am, I am no match for anyone, let alone her. I've kept up the NC as much as I can. Had to fight driving over there to talk to her. Now I know there is nothing I can do but give her time and space. Is there anyway I can show her that I've truly changed? That I want to do things right? That I want to be a confident young man. Full of ideas and ambitions. Because honestly I've wasted my time these past 2 years doing nothing except working bs jobs. I needed to do more and I regret it. I want to write her an apology letter in a couple of weeks because I truly feel bad. I want her to know that I know why it went bad and that I truly apologize. Never in my wildest dreams did I want to lose her and now that I have I want to do a complete 180 degree turn and get my life going in the right direction. Is there anyway I can contact her in a month to see how she's doing? I truly want to try again with her because we had something special regardless of the bad times. There's 2 sides to the story and it's hard for me to spell it all out here and I know there's blame to fall on both sides even if it is mainly on mine. We truly enjoyed each others company. We loved spending time together and we were great friends/lovers. I want to win her back but I don't know how. What can I do?


There is more to this story guys it's hard for me to get it all out in a forum post. Also I appreciate anyone that replies, regardless of your answer I appreciate it and thank you. If you need more info please feel free to ask and I will deliver.

It doesn't look so bad, if you are serious about the person you want to be and what to do to get there. You are in shock and desperate. It IS normal.

I like seeing the "other" part of the relationship. Not only because I'm a girl, but also it helps you think the way she thinks and accept the break-up. You are already talking about getting her back so let's get this straight.

You are a 21 year old girl, trying to get your master's, and working at the same time. You've been living with your boyfriend for a year and a half. During that period, while you worked your *** off, he got a few jobs here and there but the rest of the time, he stayed at home and smoked pot. He was nice and all, but you didn't like it and he knew it, yet he didn't quit. You've been unhappy for a while, even talked to your mom and asked for advice, but he didn't seem to notice - or worse, care. What would you do?

...
It takes a lot of courage to tell someone that you are not happy with them. I honestly think she still loves you. But you should have done all this BEFORE, now it's too late to prove that you changed right away and even if you do, you should do it for the right reasons, so stop trying to prove it to her.

As I said, you are already talking about "how to get her back"... It's normal, but not healthy. You are acting like a kid saying "I stop smoking pot and eat healthy every day since we broke up, can I get her back now?" If you go for this (sorry if it sounds harsh) you shouldn't get her back. She made it clear, she wants you out of the house, at least for now.

So start changing, not for her but for yourself. Do the things you need to do to be the person you were/want to be again. She needs time, give her time. Don't call her, email her, text her. It doesn't mean "don't miss her." Give yourself a little time too.

You are in a state of panic. You say you want to be confident again, start here. Accept the break-up and (drumroll please) start "moving on with your life." Easy to say huh... Sad but true, only time will show what happens. Don't give yourself hope. She seems like an ambitious person. Successful women are attracted to successful men. Be that guy and when you feel like you worked out all your personal issues you can take care of relationships. If by then she doesn't want you back, you know someone else will. Good luck.

I understand what you're saying and appreciate the feedback. Sorry about the "oh yes, I've quit smoking and being counter-productive so it's all better now k?".
I realize that's naïve. It's going to take a longer than that to prove it to myself that I have changed and maybe when I have finally made some progress with myself I can work on reopening the doors to her, if she'll have me. If not, open myself to other people and possibilites. I truly regret what happened and it hurts but I guess it took me to lose her to finally realize what she was trying to say me. It sucks but I guess no one said life was easy. I'm going to work on some positive steps to get my life going in the right direction. School, activities, you name it.

I still would like to send her an apology letter in a couple weeks as I truly do feel bad. I'm not going to be sappy, or ask for her back. I just want to make it clear to her that I know what I screwed up. Is this a bad idea? I don't expect a reply or anything I just feel like I should truly apologize. Not like I tried to do in those stupid notes where I was babbling and going on incoherently.

I understand what you're saying and appreciate the feedback. Sorry about the "oh yes, I've quit smoking and working so it's all better now k?". I realize that's naive. It's going to take a longer than that to prove it to myself that I have changed and maybe when I have finally made some progress with myself I can work on reopening the doors to her, if she'll have me. If not, open myself to other people and possibilites. I truly regret what happened and it hurts but I guess it took me to lose her to finally realize what she was trying to say me. It sucks but i guess no one said life was easy. I'm going to work on some positive steps to get my life going in the right direction. School, activities, you name it.

I still would like to send her an apology letter in a couple weeks as I truly do feel bad. I'm not going to be sappy, or ask for her back. I just want to make it clear to her that I know what I screwed up. Is this a bad idea? I don't expect a reply or anything I just feel like I should truly apologize. Not like I tried to do in those stupid notes where i was babbling and going on incoherently.

You say you wan to change... you say you want to be that guy she was attracted to when you guys first met. You say all these things... but yet you want to write her an apology letter stating you messed up?

It's okay to mess up, but its never okay to admit you messed up to someone who does not want you. Not only will this prove that you are changing for her, but it will creep her out that you changed just to get her back, which kind of seems pathetic to me.

You want to do a complete 180 and become that man you always thought you were, right? Well, start by getting your life together. Don't let her know what you're doing. Most likely though the grape-vine of her friends and people you both know she will find out that you have done this.

Its sort of like my story. I became someone in my last relationship that I never wanted to be... I became very unhappy and very overweight and was drinking ALL the time EVERY night, and packed on a few pounds if you know what I mean. Since then, I have gone N.C. and promised myself that I would NEVER allow myself to EVER be dependent on a girl, or a substance (alcohol, cigs).

I started working out, and started hardcore running and getting into shape. 5 months latter, a mutual friend of ours sees me, and didn't even know it was me. (have not seen me in 10 months or more). He couldn't believe it was me. Complemented my new look, and even said, "This is how you are suppose to look like." Currently I look like I did when I was 19 years old (around the time I met my current ex), and damn was I fine catch.

Its funny, cause a week later I guess she heard about my complete 180 turn, and has since then has contacted me twice. The last text was: "Hi." (no idea what the means) Before I changed my number for good.

Moral of the story is: Change for yourself, and GO N.C. and sooner or later she will find out or notice that you did do that 180, and it wasn't because of her, it was because you wanted to-do it. And to tell you the truth, that is a very attractive quality in a man, a man that has will power to change himself, for himself.

Since you want to make the changes for yourself do it. When you can show results and prove that you are working to do better it has real meaning. More than an apology.

Maybe when/if she sees this her attitude will change,

Right now keep up the good work. The changes will benefit your life with her or without her.

I wish you well

I hear you Adapa and thanks for the reply too. I just thought in some way it'd be OK to send her a letter. To let her know that I was sorry for the way things turned out and to leave the doors open. I don't know how it would make me look pathetic to man up to what I did wrong and apologize for it. I'm serious I'm not trying to sound dumb just wondering why that would be a bad idea Adapa.

I am already running everyday to get my act back together. Healthy body healthy mind they say. After only a few days of consistent running I already feel sharper. The only thing I wonder about is there really is no mutual friends. Not really sure how she would find out that I did make that 180. I mean she has me on Facebook but still. I don't want to do this change for her but not sure how it would get relayed to her.

I guess I'll just work on myself and maybe if I feel like it in a months or 2 time I'll contact her. Or maybe she'll contact me by then. Or maybe this is a bad idea? Bah this stinks.


Thanks for the reply too martinizing. I will keep up the good work. You know what they say, "What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger". It hurts to get dumped and I hurt now but I know that will subside. I just want to know what would be the appropriate way of reopening contact down the line (if I want too).


You guys/gals are awesome. There are some kind souls on this website. I'm glad I found this place. You guys are really helping me. Thanks a lot.

I hear ya Adapa and thanks for the reply too. I just thought in some way it'd be ok to send her a letter. To let her know that I was sorry for the way things turned out and to leave the doors open. I don't know how it would make me look pathetic to man up to what I did wrong and apologize for it. I'm serious I'm not trying to sound dumb just wondering why that would be a bad idea Adapa.

I am already running everyday to get my act back together. Healthy body healthy mind they say. After only a few days of consistent running I already feel sharper. The only thing I wonder about is there really is no mutual friends. Not really sure how she would find out that I did make that 180. I mean she has me on facebook but still. I don't want to do this change for her but not sure how it would get relayed to her.

I guess I'll just work on myself and maybe if I feel like it in a months or 2 time I'll contact her. Or maybe she'll contact me by then. Or maybe this is a bad idea? Bah this stinks.

I'm guessing she lives near you, since you met her. The world is a small place, and most likely we run into people out of no where (people we don't really want to see... ). Chances are at one point you will run into her. Or maybe one of her friends will run into you.

Write the letter if you want, but I think you shouldn't admit your defeat. I'd write it, and sit on it for a while, maybe a couple months, and I bet after 4-5 months you'll re-read it, and would will think, thank god, I didn't send that to her.

Maybe way down the line IF you feel the need then maybe a simple note . But I would give it a year or more.
To be completely healed takes longer than most people think.
At least from what I have seen and my own experiences.

If the apology letter gets you communicating you may fall into a situation that puts you back to the start. Think about starting this again. Bad bad situation.

Wait and give it a great deal of thought first.

Stay strong you are doing great

The only reason I want to contact her in a month or 2 time is to see if there is an chance of reconciliation. If not, I can truly move on. Right now I'm harboring so many hopes that in the future it'll work out and I can't help that. I know I'm just saying that now. I guess if I still miss her after I get my stuff sorted out I'll deal with it an probably ask you guys how to approach it then.


I hear you adapa. She really is a sweet girl so I just felt like I wanted her to understand where she is coming from and why she did it. Poop

I hear ya adapa. She really is a sweet girl so I just felt like I wanted her to understand where she is coming from and why she did it. Poop

After a breakup the mind does a lot of weird things... the thought process is not rational at all, and logic completely goes out the window. When my ex left me, a week later of not contact I text-ed her while I was in school on a Thursday. About how much I loved her, and that I don't want to go on with my life without the love of my life in it. And yada, yada, yada. I wrote down some pretty sappy... like... how a week prior to our break-up she told me that I was "her soul-mate".
-> Yep, 1 week later, I was thrown in the trash..

Anyway, moral of the story: After I wrote that text message, I felt really good... Felt like I got stuff off my chest, and was all done. I didn't get a reply until 10 clock at night on a Saturday night.

Yep, it took her almost 2.5 days for her to respond to my text message, And do you know what she texted?
->Hi
->I want to talk to you about your text message.
Me->I'm out right now, we can talk about it in the morning
Tomorrow Morning:
Me->There is nothing to talk about if you don't want to be with me, or don't love me... etc etc etc etc
->You have no idea what I was going to say. I think I made the right choice.

Then that was it, no contact since then. Been over 6 months. Of course she has tried contacting me a couple of times, but I never respond. Recently I have changed my number cause she was texting me.

Anyway: I regretted ever texting her that message. It didn't get me anywhere. All it did was push me further into depression because I was rejected. And it gave her the upper edge of ego-boost for the time being, because I let her know that I was upset.

Now, the tables have turned and I am the winner, but it doesn't always play out like that, and I could have seriously lost the battle if she didn't slip up like she did.

So, what I'm saying is... hold onto your dignity/pride... because that is all that you have left:

YouTube - Vegeta talking about saiyan pride (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DhD__uLWCDg)

I hope you understand that you have out right lied twice, when she asked for space, and you didn't give it to her.

Do so now, and see how you feel later. Sometime when we act based on facts, and not just feelings we make better decisions, and if we could see ourselves after we get dumped, we could probably make better choices for ourselves, where we don't come off as whiny, little boys who have hissy fits, and ignore the claim of time and space that most dumpers ask for.

Hard to miss someone when the last thought of them was a disgusting one.

I hear you Tal and I understand what you're saying. You also know how hard it is to give someone space that you care so much about. I just wanted to make it right. To get her to talk to me so we could work things out. I did not mean to act the way I did and I of course regret it. I shouldn't have gone back over there after it happened and I hope I didn't screw up any chance in the future with this girl. Since Friday I haven't contacted her at all except to tell her when I was coming by to get my stuff. It's hard but I'm trying to be strong.

I've been getting much better since then but I just seem to have a problem sleeping through the night. I wake up with my mind racing and thinking about her and what happened. Hopefully her last thought of me isn't a disgusting one. I've written her a couple sweet notes saying goodbye and wishing her good luck. So hopefully she sees these and thinks better of me. Wednesday is going to be horrible. I have to go over there to get all my stuff but it's going to be hard to do. My brother is going with me to help so at least he will be there.

The only thing I can do now is respect her space and privacy and give ourselves time to heal. I guess regardless of the outcome since she was the one to dump me she'll be the one to contact me again, if she does right? It really sucks. I really cared about this girl and we had a lot of plans in the future. It's just hard for me to believe its over after 3 years 4 months. I'm sure it doesn't help that she was my first (and I hers) and my first serious relationship.

Is it never a good idea to get back in contact with an ex? I mean, after my emotional turmoil gets over and I can think about this like you said factually should I revisit it? It's hard for me to believe there's no hope in the future or no other chances. I guess the balls in her court.


Also the fact that I was the cause of the break-up really hurts. I should have seen that she was unhappy but for some reason it didn't happen. Like I said I let myself become someone I didn't want to be and I don't know why.

Is it never a good idea to get back in contact with an ex? I mean, after my emotional turmoil gets over and I can think about this like you said factually should I revisit it? It's hard for me to believe there's no hope in the future or no other chances. I guess the balls in her court.

Yes it is and you put it there.

Healing is all about learning how to deal with what is hard to believe.

Guys this is going to be the hardest thing for me to do but after getting my stuff out tomorrow I'm going to go at least a month of NC. Maybe longer but I'm just trying to give myself some short term goals. Not sure what I'll do in a month if I still miss her and want to work things out. I'll revisit this in a months time. I'll make a new post and see what you guys have to say. Thanks for all the good advice and now I'm going to try and work on myself.

QUOTE by tango,
Is it never a good idea to get back in contact with an ex? I mean, after my emotional turmoil gets over and I can think about this like you said factually should I revisit it? It's hard for me to believe there's no hope in the future or no other chances. I guess the balls in her court.You aren't going to believe this now, especially since she is the first for you, but after a proper healing period, you will have fond memories still, but you will have built a life that you enjoy and are looking forward to other options and opportunities that are before you, that you may NOT want to revisit the past. And new memories will replace old ones as you grow and explore your world. You can only see as far as your feelings now, but in time, you will see the possibilities for happiness, is endless.


Also the fact that I was the cause of the break-up really hurts. I should have seen that she was unhappy but for some reason it didn't happen. Like I said I let myself become someone I didn't want to be and I don't know why.You had no experience then, but clarity of thought, and understanding thru a proper healing will bring you to a place you can better cope with your own feelings in positive ways so you can deal with whatever life throws at you. This experience is but one life lesson, painful as it is now, that will give you the skills, and experience you will need for the future, and you will be better prepared for what is to come. Trust me, there is much more to come.


Guys this is going to be the hardest thing for me to do but after getting my stuff out tomorrow I'm going to go at least a month of NC. Maybe longer but I'm just trying to give myself some short term goals. Not sure what I'll do in a month if I still miss her and want to work things out. I'll revisit this in a months time. I'll make a new post and see what you guys have to say. Thanks for all the good advice and now I'm going to try and work on myself.
You are welcome to ask questions and share your thoughts and feelings here ANYTIME the need arises. Building a life that you enjoy and accepting things have change requires a lot of work, and its one of the hardest things any of us will do... until the next challenge in our lives comes along. :eek:

You will survive, and thrive. :)

Thank you so much Tal. Your words are kind and give me hope for the future. I know I'll be OK and I'm looking forward to seeing what I can do for me. The possibilities are endless (as you say) and whether I end up with my ex or any girl it doesn't matter right now. I need to take care of me and I need to do it now.

These forums have been a blessing and I'm glad I found them. I'll post an update in a months time to not only show how I've gotten better (I WILL get better) and to give other people for themselves in similar situations.

I became someone I didn't want to be but now I can become someone I want to be. The future is unknown but bright for me. Thank all of you for helping me in my predicament and giving me advice/thoughts when I needed it. Thank you so much.

I'll post an update in a months time to not only show how I've gotten better (I WILL get better) and to give other people for themselves in similar situations.


Whoops correction:

I'll post an update in a months time to not only show how I've gotten better (I WILL get better) and to give other people hope for themselves in similar situations.

Well guys, thought I wouldn't update this but after today I feel compelled. To be honest with you, I hate Facebook. When moving my things out of the apartment today I took the time to look at it and it only hurt me (I know shouldn't have done it). It hurts to see that only 4 days before we break up she says, "Eating dinner with my cutie watching TNG." Then she goes to state about our break-up, "We had issues that we couldn't work out over the 3 years and he wouldn't respect me not wanting to workout". Well, I guess there is one of my screw-ups there. I wanted her to take care of herself but guess I should have shut my mouth (I know, don't bash me... lesson learned).

I just don't see the need for her to broadcast our break-up and problems on a social site. Since then I have made my friend change my login and pass to something I don't know. That way I won't look at her page and even if I wanted to I couldn't do it. This sucks guys, I didn't want this to happen.

Well guys, thought I wouldn't update this but after today I feel compelled. To be honest with you, I hate facebook. When moving my things out of the apartment today I took the time to look at it and it only hurt me (I know shouldn't have done it). It hurts to see that only 4 days before we break up she says, "Eating dinner with my cutie watching TNG." Then she goes to state about our break-up, "We had issues that we couldn't work out over the 3 years and he wouldn't respect me not wanting to workout". Well, I guess there is one of my screw-ups there. I wanted her to take care of herself but guess I should have shut my mouth (I know, don't bash me... lesson learned).

I just don't see the need for her to broadcast our break-up and problems on a social site. Since then I have made my friend change my login and pass to something I don't know. That way I won't look at her page and even if I wanted to I couldn't do it. This sucks guys, I didn't want this to happen.

...

What did we say? Why can't you listen to us?... Delete, all ties. This includes but is not limited to:

Facebook
Myspace
Any Blogs
Any Social Networking sites
Youtube

F###K, also, do me a favor and CHANGE your number, and your e-mail address... and for your own dignity, please put your AIM on Privacy.

Yeah, it sucks, but you need to completely ditch any loose ties to her, any connection she can have with you, and any connection that she could easily get a-hold of. This is also for YOUR benefit also. Out of sight, out of mind.

As for the public display of your relationship... please open your eyes. She is writing those things, KNOWING that you will read it.

Please remove yourself from the internet, and do what I said:

Vanish like a silent ninja after a smoke bomb into the night.

I think you have to treat breakups like this (long term, deep, emotional breakups) like a death. Erase everything about her, everything that reminds you of her, every form of contact, EVERYthing! For all intents and purposes, she is dead to you, for now at least. Until you have properly healed and created a life you enjoy, she doesn't exist.

I don't think you should blame yourself for her Facebook posting. For starters that's her problem for broadcasting personal issues for all to see. Relationship issues should be shared on an individual basis not Facebook wide. Personally I feel she posted that for you to see. I am not quite sure why at this point.

All the posts here from the others are right on. I would not send her a letter saying your sorry. I would write the letter but only for your own benefit. Write out everything you feel and all that you want her to know. Then shred it. Better yet, sit on it for some time. Continue to write and continue your thoughts and feelings. As you work on yourself you will see your writing style and attitude will change. She doesn't need to see this.

Space and time she wants then so be it. Give it to her. No one is telling you to sit back and wait. You go forward and be happy. Be a better man. Don't dwell on what could have been. Just look ahead to what will be.

Roger one-niner bravo whiskey. Well, at least I still got my guitar!

I hate that Facebook thing. My ex posted his picture that he made for me, right before we broke up, as his profile picture. When I saw it, I felt like I was stubbed in a heart. I am absolutely positive he did it on purpose, he knew I'd see it and he wanted reaction out of me. So I'm done with FB.

Tango, you seemed to be strong and determined young man. I have a feeling in a long run you'd be grateful for that break up that woke you up and motivated you to become a stronger and better person. Good luck to you and keep us posted.

I will reevaluate my feelings and thoughts in a month. If I keep up my workout regime and my plans to get MY future started I will feel much better by then. Also, by that time I will be able to think about things in a logical, factual way... not emotionally. If I decide to contact her then and I'm a new and reborn man then the loss is hers because I know I'll truly be a catch then.

Tango you're still a great catch now, I'm sure. Just because you aren't "her" catch doesn't mean you are this awful person. Sometimes things don't work out, for whatever reason. Yes you made mistakes but who doesn't? When my ex broke up with me I made some embarrassing moves to try to get her back. Still, I was and am the same person.

Bottom line, relationships end all of the time. All too often we take it personally when we are the dumpees.

Feelings change and people change. There is nothing you can do about most of the time. This was most likely a decision she made WAY before she actually broke-up with you.

Don't take it to hard... It isn't like you didn't try. She wasn't into the relationship as much as you were. Now, you need to recover and find a person who is a better match for you.

By the time you fully heal and make the inevitable mistakes we all make during this process, you won't want to talk to her anymore. Not because you don't care about her, but because you will get tired of getting emotionally screwed every time you do.

Advice for moving forward:

1. Stop talking to her
2. Stay off her Facebook (unfriend her)
3. Work out and get into shape
4. Try to kick your habits (if you want to... you don't need to change for anyone)
5. Go out with friends and do not turn down any social invites
6. Continue or pick up a hobby
7. Give yourself some time to get over this
8. TALK TO NEW GIRLS
8a. DON'T RUSH INTO ANYTHING
9. Get whatever you need in your life in order
10. Have fun!

I hear you jmw. A lot of the faults came because I became someone I didn't want to be in this relationship. I don't know why I did but I'm going to try and not dwell on it. We had talked before and things never really changed. Like I said though if and big IF here I contact her again and I'm a new man, then well her loss. I'm close to a major university and one that I will be attending. So if I contact her and get brushed off then I'm going to talk to the literally 1,000's of other cute girls I'll see on the daily basis. The future is bright for me my friends! With or without my ex.

Hey guys it has been about a month since I posted on here. Here is my previous post:

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/gf-3-years-dumped-me-help-489900.html

Well, I have made good progress. I've been running everyday, working my butt off, and signed up for classes up at school. I did though set myself back a little. For some reason I set in my head this month timespan then I decided that was when I was going to call her. Part of the reason I think for this was I heard from our mutual friend that she still loved me but needed some time/space and wanted to see more consistency out of me. If you are unsure what I'm talking about you can read my previous post. I was smokin pot, not going to school, not doing anything with my life.

Now I tried to call her and left a message then I sent her a message on FB. I've stayed off that stupid site for this whole month until I decided to send her that message (apologizing and told her I'd be here if she wanted to talk). I still really love this girl but there has been no reply from my call or message. I know what you guys are going to say but I feel I need to hear it from you dudes/girls or get a girls perspective. I can't really expect her to talk to me within a month and I can't expect her to believe that I changed within that span of time either. She still has all our pics up on FB and is meeting our friend next week to go out. They never hang out its actually my older brother's GF so I imagine its in part to talk about me (maybe). I'm just kind of lost here. I miss the girl something terrible and I still feel bad about the break-up and the things I messed up.

I guess all I can do is give her more time but not wait. I'm in no way ready to date other girls and I know that and it doesn't look like she's been doing any of the same either. I'm just a little torn here. Why would she have that message relayed to me when she knew it was going to be relayed? She's not the type to play around or do games. Maybe she really is thinking about her decision or waiting to see if I stick to what I said I'd do. Hell if I know.


She also said to our friend that a month probably wouldn't be enough time and I should have listened. Not really sure if she's testing me or *** is going on here. I know she wants to be with someone ambitious and confident like her. Basically guys I have no idea what's going on and it sucks.

Leave her alone, and keep doing your thing without the social page stalking, or getting progress reports from those around her. That's no good.

Tango you have to make a decision for yourself.

Do you want in or do you want out?

The half assed attempt at NC is only going to come back and bite you on the a**. Who care's what your "mutual friend" says. Makes no difference, just, adds to your confusion.

What are you going to do when you read/hear that she's dating someone else. It will happen. Then what are you going to do?

Sounds like everything your doing is your attempt to show her that you can be what she wants. You cant. She's already told you that. You can run a million miles and she probably still won't come back.

You need to do things for yourself and only for yourself.

Go NC and do proper NC.

You guys are right as always. Nothing that is said to our friend means much of anything. Actions speak louder than words. Unless she tries to contact me there's no point in wondering what's going on. I've already done all I can do. Yeah I screwed up and yeah maybe she needs time. Also elephants might grow wings and learn to fly. If you love something let it go, if it comes back to you it was meant to be, if it doesn't it wasn't meant to be. It's the cold hard truth and I need to accept it.

Well guys a little update for you. Basically a month after we broke up I contacted her through instant message wanting to give her a birthday card. Yes, I was still very emotional and all over the place at this time. That turned out very badly and she told me to F off basically and that we would never be getting back together. It was very harsh and mean but that was when I decided for sure that I had to go NC for myself. I had already apologized there was nothing more I could do so I accepted it. 3 months after that she messages me on FB saying she has some things for me and a letter came for me in the mail. She tells me when she'd be available for me to come and get it. Now I have no idea if this is really just to give me some stuff of mine back or some other motive behind it. The thing is though there's no way in hell I'm just going to drive over there and see her again to just get some "stuff" as she said it.

It seems a little weird that she would message me 3 months after telling me to F off basically that she had some stuff of mine. That and the fact that seeing her again would pretty much screw up all the progress I've made in getting over her. I know I screwed up a lot in that relationship, me more than her probably but damn I'm trying to leave it in the past. I've already apologized, I've already tried to reconciliate with her and that failed. I've accepted what I did wrong and that I did DO wrong and I've sworn to never make the same mistakes. I feel bad for hurting her and forcing her to that decision but things happen for a reason and if it was for me to learn those lessons then well, I learned them. I know there is someone else out there for me and I know I'll eventually run into someone. So basically guys I just want to make sure I'm going about this in the right way. I plan on messaging her back and saying thanks for letting me know you have some of my stuff but I don't believe it's a good idea to meet up to exchange these items. Anything I left at the apt I no longer want or need. If you think there's something that I would REALLY want to have back or NEED my home address is: yatta yatta yatta and that's where you can forward it to. That way if she really does have something's she wants me to have back she can send it or she can just throw it away. Also, I don't know if she has any ulterior reasons for messaging me and that allows me to prevent myself from being hurt. Seeing her in anyway would be BAD very very bad and I have recognized this. You guys agree?

If I were you I'd ignore the Facebook message and move on. No response needed. If you needed these items that bad you would have pursued them 3 months ago. No reason to open wounds that haven't even closed yet.

KC is right. If you didn't need or want anything from 3 months ago then your not missing them and don't need them now. Ignore the message. Take her off your Facebook. Do not give her a response of any kind. You even said yourself it would put you in a set back. It would be bad. Don't do it. If its something she wants you to have she can mail it. Enough said. Do not look back, do not reply. You forget it and keep moving forward.

I see you forgot to file a simple change of address form with your post office, that could have saved you the stress, so do it now and ignore her, after you have deleted, or blocked her from Facebook. Problem solved. You are free to continue your life, and not sweat the dumb stuff.

OK. Right off the bat, you are reading way too far into her possible "ulterior motive" for giving you your stuff back. If you don't want to see her, tell her to mail you the stuff. However, since you haven't missed any of the stuff she still has of yours, you could probably not even respond and forget about it. That's what I would do... Forget about it.

Leave it alone and don't use it as an excuse to continue contact.

If you had gone proper NC and blocked her on FB this wouldn't of happened.(Cyber ***** slap up side the head!! )

Something tells me this is the open door you've been waiting for. But its going to get slammed shut hard and I hope your manhood isn't what gets whacked!!

I don't necessarily want her to have an ulterior motive Kaka. I mean deep down I suppose in some way I do but I've accepted that this one is over. I just wanted to get confirmation that I was doing the right thing. Yeah, I'd prefer to not reply. No good can come out of having contact with her and if she really wanted to TALK to me she knows how to. So yes, I'll do the change of address and forget about it. I'm actually just now starting to feel a lot better lately so I don't really want to have any contact with her.

She was my first serious relationship and it ended very poorly. Lesson learned, the next one will be better. You guys know the story. Thanks again for the help. Trust me, I don't want to go over to that apartment complex or see her. The only way I would even consider seeing her is if she wanted to seriously talk and called me and even then I'd have to think about it. LOL I've spent the last 3 months convincing myself that there's a reason it didn't work out, regardless of why. SO yeah, no forward progress getting stopped on this train. Onward!

Good! Now when you need support we are here. If you think your going to have a set back then we are here. Come to us first.
Most important when you find your new love we are here also. ;)

Will do sunflower, thanks for everything you guys!

Time for an update my friends. I successfully completed my first semester of college in a long time last semester (fall 2010). Since I did so well I have signed up for a full load this semester and I am really enjoying it so far. My life has completely changed. I dropped the crappy people out of my life. I've made some new friends and I've gotten OVER the you know what. I am so grateful that she kicked me on my *** because my life has taken a complete 180.

I exercise regularly, take care of myself, and for the first time in a long time I have a great deal of self-confidence. So much so that I was able to get the number of a drop dead gorgeous girl up here at my college. We've been on one date and ended up talking for 5 hours! She's a very laid back, intelligent, driven individual. I thought she blew me off after the first date cause she said she was busy that week when I asked if she wanted to go out again. I gave her the benefit of the doubt although I purposely didn't contact her that week. She ended up contacting me the next week and asking me what I was up to! We are going out this Sunday and I'm looking forward to it.

So 88sunflower, talaniman, kaka67, kctiger, jmw0173 and to anyone I might have missed thank you so very much. I posted this update because I figured you guys like to see something positive and also to give hope to others going through something similar. Time heals all! It truly does and when you least expect it you run into someone like I did. All I did was help her change her headlight and bam date. Also, after what the ex did to me I no longer fear rejection. Not much short of kicking me in the balls will hurt too much. So I plan on taking things as they come to me and taking my time with this girl cause she really is a good prospect. Also, I plan on dating even more. You better shop around as they say. So again, thank you everyone! For the first time in a while I AM happy. Life is good.

I love it when an update is about successfully building a life the OP is enjoying and doing great.

Thanks for making our day.

Good stuff. Take it easy with the new girl. No pedestals!!

Don't forget to name your first born after AMHD!

(Kinda sounds like ADHD so maybe not :p)

You deserve it Tango. Keep your head on straight and remember to STUDY your butt off! While doing all that studying though, continue to have some fun, as you've earned it.

You have made my day as well.

That is wonderful news. Thank you for the update. Like others have said sometimes we never hear back. You stay strong, confident and keep going forward.

Awesome news bro. Good luck with the new girl!