So this is the first time I seek advice like this, and I am a little afraid, because I am supposed to be very discreet about problems in my life. But here goes.
I have been married for 12 years, and have two children, one 5 and one 8. My husband and I each have a wonderful relationship with the kids. But not between us.
We are both involved in community work, and he works hard hours at his own business. I in turn, work freelance, so I have more spare time available. I feel that the communication between us has gone to hell, he is out of the house very early, for meetings, business appointments, and if you ask me, he tries to fill up his agenda in order to avoid being at home. I am well aware that his work is time consuming but I also know that he wastes a lot of time in social gatherings, I call it, making nice with important people so that I too can be important.
When he talks about us as a couple he usually says that we look so good together. That he is happy he is married to me because I am considered attractive. As if my ability to make him look good is the only thing that matters.
We have no conversations. He is always either on the phone, on the computer or watching television.
When I say that I am lonely and depressed, he says that I always try to make him feel bad. That I always blame him for my prolbems.
I recently quit smoking, and yes my mood has been altered, but I have also come to realize that I don't want to live like this: ignored and neglected, having no sense of communication.
For me, having it all, a house, a car, nice clothes, good kids, is not complete unless I have someone to share it with. When I tell him this, he tells me that I am crazy and that I am running this marriage into the gutter. That I am never happy, that I find a reason to complain and that nothing that he does is right.
I went to therapy many years ago, thinking that my depression was my problem, after four years of therapy I realized how I had left me behind when I got married, and concentrated on him and his needs. I passed that stage, I am not insecure anymore. I came to acknowledge me and my needs as a human being.
The problem is that he doesn't respect me for that. I see it by the few things he says to me. He considers his things more important than mine. When he talks to me, he belittles me. If he asks me what is wrong, and I answer he tells me he has to go or he ignores me completely.
I think I need to separate from him although my heart aches when I think about it.
My parents divorced when I was a teenager and it was very difficult for me. But I also know that I need to do something about this, I will be alone anyway, any which way I see it.
I think I have made an effort to change things between us, but he seems to believe that he has the absolute truth. He won't allow my opinion to penetrate his stubborn head. He is like a robot to me, he is very mechanical with me, even sex is about him nowadays.
Help me to make a decision that will alleviate the frustration that is eating me up inside.

I am sorry for the difficulties you are experiencing. Its as if you are so close to having it all and yet he can't seem to tip the scales just a little so you can get there. I relate having been in many situations that are similar (although I am happily married now).

One of the things I am struck by in your description of the problem is how unequipped and ill prepared your husband sounds for dealing with this problem and how very scary that can seem to someone who works hard and is fairly used to getting and enjoying success. He probably is having a terrible time facing this with himself so he is resorting to denial that he is stumped and using all sorts of tactics, some not nice, to throw you off this problem. Not good.

What he doesn't realise is... to throw you off this problem throws you out the door with it, like it or not.

What I think you need to reconsider is your approach to him. Allow for the fact that he is fairly entreached in his position and that you two don't talk very well. What I would do is make an appointment for a marriage counselor for, say, in two weeks. Then I would write him a brief note. I know that sounds a bit strange but sometimes notes work better than words because he can reread it and mull it over, which he may need.

In the note I would emphasize the following things in your own words:
1. That in a marriage, when one person isn't happy it really does matter or should matter since you can't really call that a happy marriage, can you? It takes two happy people to have a happy marriage.

2. That you have been talking about being unhappy for some time now without much happening in the way of solution. Do not lay blame in any of this, okay?

3. That you made an appointment to see someone to talk about your unhappy marriage and explore what options are available at such and such time and place.

4. That you are sincerely inviting him to attend this appointment and you would appreciate it if he would come to help you solve this problem. That you need and want his help in creating a happy marriage.

I would then say and do nothing else except keep that appointment. This way actions speak for themselves since you two aren't good with words anymore. Should he see fit to go with you, good! And if not, you will have the help you need to negotiate leaving this marriage, so it's a win-win.

I hope that helps. Choose your words carefully for the letter.

I really like your screen name--"what_to_do". So many people who post here could accurately call themselves "what/how_to_think/feel", but in the end, it really does come down to the question, "What should I do next?" As usual, Val has nailed this on the first shot. I have nothing to add to her suggestions except a hearty "Amen".

Your husband is so clueless. This is going to be hard for him too, but for entirely different reasons than for you. You've already done most of the work he doesn't even realize yet needs doing--learning to see you as more than an element of his image and persona. Time will tell if he's up to the task, but it is definitely time to put it on the calendar and get on with it, because for you, the plane is already headed down the runway.


I think I need to separate from him although my heart aches when I think about it. My parents divorced when I was a teenager and it was very difficult for me. But I also know that I need to do something about this, I will be alone anyways, any which way I see it.

About being alone. It's not particularly correlated with loneliness. Right now, you're lonely but not alone. In all likelihood before this is resolved you'll spend some time alone, and I think you will be pleasantly surprised how easy it is to do without being lonely. If your husband decides to engage, participate and do what needs to be done, you may again be neither lonely or alone when you're with him. If not, you won't be afraid of being alone for as long as it takes to heal and center yourself after the storm passes. You have built a firm foundation with your previous therapy and growth. You'll be fine. Keep in touch.

That a man can have so much, and not appreciate it, is sad. I truly hope he goes to the therapy sessions with you and sees the need to change. Good luck