Hi. My name is Ashley. I'm 19 years old and I've been with my boyfriend for almost 2 1/2 years. I really do love him, more than anything. We've been through so much together and he's my best friend. But I think he may be 2 different people. He has these anger issues, and he takes his anger out on me ALL the time. I try to be patient because I know he hasn't exactly had it easy in life but I'm becoming concerned about my emotional state. He's never actually hit me or punched me but he does get physical. He pushes and shoves, once he dragged me out of bed and out of our bedroom by my foot and slammed the door and locked it, left me out there crying. I've slept in the backseat of my car a few times because I can't handle being around him. He says hurtful things and it kills me inside. He tells me he doesn't like me and calls me a , then half an hour later he's appologizing, and I put up with it. I've become so attached to him throughout these past couple of years, he's been with me through a lot and helped me through some very tough times. His dad died when he was 10 and I think that may be the reason he is the way that he is. He was so close to his dad and after he died his mom started drinking all the time (he's told me that when he was 11 he'd have to drive his mom home and he'd sleep in the car waiting for her to finish up and the bar.) I've told him that he's got a problem and it makes him mad and he says that I'm always putting him down and making him feel like , but he doesn't feel that I get the worse part of it. I've cried so much over this guy, and it IS worth it to a certain extent... I'm willing to be with him and help him through his anger issues and I don't know how to and sometimes I don't know if I can handle it anymore... I have a lump in my throat just thinking about it. I've heard him cry like I've never heard anyone cry before. Its hysterical... yet my tears mean nothing to him. God I just don't know what to do, I really don't want to leave him, I feel like I'd being losing so much more than just a boyfriend if I left him. I guess my question is... Am I being abused? And well How can I help him? Any advice would be wonderful! Thanks for reading, it truly means a lot.


-Ashley

Ashley - Reading this was tough.. All the signs of abuse are appearing here. The fact that he hasn't physically hit or punched you is irrelevant. He has laid his hands on you in anger, and unfortunately that is often a precursor for things to come.

The words you claim he says to you should also be considered emotionally and verbally abusive. Unfortunately, words often leave deeper, more damaging scars than even the physical.

You cannot make excuses for him. "His dad dying" is never a reason to touch you in anger, or belittle you. Granted, any human is capable of being brought to rage, saying bad things, doing bad things... This however does not seem the case here, with him so readily willing to go off the handle like that.

He is most likely suffering from anger issues, depression, low self esteem (reason he chooses to belittle you.) Do know however, that YOU, will be unable to pull him through this.. He must admit there is a problem here, then take the steps necessary to resolve these issues. It sounds however, that he is far from seeing an actual problem, per your admission.

It is hard when those we love are out of control and we can do nothing to assist...

You need to know however that you are young, and have an amazing life ahead of you, DO NOT, EVER, accept the compromise of "It will get better, so I will stick it out."

I admire your fight here, but without serious help, he will most likely only get worse, and you will most likely only continue to take the blunt of his problems.

Yes, reading this was hard... no paragraphs.

I only had to read the first 6 lines or so to know that this IS abuse. You need to get out now before you actually get hurt or killed.

You will lose your life and/or sanity if you stay.

Thank GOD there are no children involved.

Yes, the violence will escalate. I can promise you that.

You can't help him. He has to help himself. He is the one who has to realize what he is doing is harmful.

He is a walking time bomb.

When he explodes he will hurt you.

Yes he physically abused you when he dragged you out of bed.

Love isn't enough in your situation. He will not change and you will be the one who suffers.

You make excuse for him and there is no excuse for the way he is treating you.

Get out and get away.

No matter how angry a guy gets, there is no reason to take it out on someone else. That's why we invented things like punching bags, sports, and gyms.

There is no reason, no matter how angry someone gets you, to drag them by the feet and kick you out of bed.

You need to leave, and should have been gone when he first started dumping his temper on you.

Ashley,

You are getting a lot of great advice. I can relate to your story. My college boyfriend of three years (ages 18-21) was similar. He had lost his father when he was 3. I do think that has a major effect on a child, but you shouldn't have to bear the brunt of that. My boyfriend was the most passionate person, and the first year together was very good. He started showing signs though, which progressively became worse - severe jealousy, trying to control me, getting upset at my successes, and the list goes on. He didn't get physical, but he would yell at me until I cried, and then yell some more until I cried harder. I found that eventually I would just give in to him so he would go back to being the nice guy I first knew. Of course, the problem was that it wouldn't last. He was emotionally abusive. I think your boyfriend is both physically and emotionally abusive.

Looking back at it I was crazy about him and wanted to help him, but much like your boyfriend he didn't want to change. I thought that he loved me deeply and that he needed me. That meant a lot to me for a long time, but eventually I couldn't take it anymore. I wanted a happy, successful life. I wanted a say in things. We didn't have a balanced relationship, and I saw that it was becoming more imbalanced and he was becoming more controlling.

I can tell you that after I left it took some time to heal, but as I did I again became happy and felt empowered to live my life the way I wanted. Instead of worrying about him and his problems, I was able to focus on myself. I graduated, and then went on to earn my MBA. With one major exception, I dated great guys and had a lot of fun. Now 7 years later, I have a successful career and I'm getting married in a couple of months to a wonderful man. I look back at those college years as a learning experience in many ways, and I know I am in a better place know because of the things I figured out about myself and what I wanted.

I also agree that the best thing for you would be to leave this relationship, but I know that's easy for me to say. You have to come to that conclusion on your own. Ask yourself what you want out of life and take the steps to make it happen. I sincerely hope that your first step will be to free yourself of this relationship. You deserve so much better.

Yes it IS abuse.

He needs counseling, and fast.

I don't think it's safe for you to be around him until he completes some serious rehabilitation.

It's just a matter of time before he completely snaps.

"I'm sorry" won't undo what he is potentially capable of doing.

Don't let him "love" you to death.

Be safe.

Let's just remember that counseling won't work if he doesn't think he has a problem.

How about if YOU go for counseling. The counselor will invite him to join you for some sessions. Maybe that would help him realize he needs counseling too. In any event, with counseling you would figure out how to handle this relationship.

My goodness, I didn't think reading my responses would bring me to tears. I guess I kind've expected these answers, I just needed someone to verify what I need to do. I've left him before, it didn't last long. Maybe a few days. I've never loved someone so much and his anger issues doesn't just hurt me because I get the bad end of it, it hurts me because I know what kind've person is really in there, he's an amazing guy, he really is, he needs help and I always think that I can help him, and it hurts me even more by knowing that I don't have the power to do that. Only he does. Everyone, I really love this guy from the bottom of my heart, I know I get mistreated and I'm not making excuses for him, I'm giving reasons for why he is this way. I don't want our relationship to end because he can't control himself, I don't want to leave him and have him still be this way, I want to help him because I really love him and I'm almost willing to give up my happiness just to make him better. Like I said, he is 2 different people. One side of him is amazing, smart, compassionate, loving, and he's very admirable in my eyes.. but he does get depressed, he's told me so, and sometimes it is my fault too because he makes me so mad that I explode and I say hurtful things to him as well, I'm no angel in this.
I guess I already knew I was being emotionally abused. With the name-calling and the things he says, I'm a very sensitive person and hearing the man I love say such things breaks my heart, but at the same time, I know that its because he's got a problem, he's not just a bad abusive person.
The only time I address these issues is when he starts to get mean, that's the only time I know how to. I don't know how to address his issues when we're doing okay. I'm not sure what I want to do, but I know what I should do. I should leave him and think of myself and my future, but what might be hard to understand is I want him to be in my future, I want to build my future with him as he does with me. Does anyone have advice on how I can bring up this issues when we aren't fighting? Leaving him is really out of the question, I don't want to give up on him. Please try and understand that. I also really appreciate all these responses, its so nice to see such caring people out there willing to give there time to help others.

Ashley,

I understand where you are coming from - I was there, too. You seem like a very sweet, compassionate person. I know I always thought that if I remained sweet, caring, and supportive my boyfriend would feel more secure and would start healing. Unfortunately, it doesn’t really work that way. I came to figure out that I was enabling his behavior. He could be so ugly, and I basically let him by not standing up for myself and walking away sooner. Like your boyfriend, mine was also smart, fun, loving, passionate... when he wasn’t being ugly. That ugly behavior is going to break you down, though. I know I wanted to be in a relationship where I felt secure and listened to, and I hope that's what you also want. Back to the enabling issue, I think it's very likely that your boyfriend won't change until he has to change. You might be doing him a favor by standing up for yourself and leaving. You say that is not an option, but it is. You don't know fully what is out there to experience, but you have many choices.

So, back to your questions, I really hope you will rethink your position. If not, at the very least have some plans laid out if the abuse becomes more extreme or you feel in danger. Be sure that you have a place to go, a person to call, etc. You shouldn't give up your happiness for another person. You will eventually regret that. For yourself, figure out what you want to do. You're 19 and obviously a smart girl. Are you in school? Would you like to go to school? Do you know what you want in life? Your life is just as important as his life.

Someone else made a great suggestion that counseling will help you, even if he refuses to go. He really needs to address his issues with a professional. Your addressing his issues when he is angry is dangerous, plus he won't listen. You might start by writing out what you want to address to organize your thoughts, but if he isn't willing to listen he won't. I really hesitate to even suggest you do talk to him. We are all afraid of his temper. I could share a very ugly story with you, but suffice it to say a man's bad temper almost killed me - it put me in the hospital for a week and out of work for 2 months. It is not something to be taken lightly. I know this is not answering your question but, the more I think about it, I can't in good conscience tell you to talk to him.

I have responded to many post like yours since being on the AMHD and I always wonder about what happens to the ones who post and say they'll take advice.

I tell my story a lot and it has helped me . You meet the person
You want to spend your life with.
He is so sweet, you are so lucky.

You are young so you don't see any of the signs of what he truly is. It's because you think every man is like men in your family. You have never seen one of them raise their hand to a woman. Your
Dad is kind and understanding and he never hit your mother.

So you marry the guy and a short
While after you realize what he really is. He drinks and when he does he picks up on every little word you say and turns it into a
Fight.

Words and swearing and shouting at first... you're scared. Then comes that first slap. You're shocked. He crys and promises it won't happen again, but it does.

You can't do anything right and your trapped. You are beaten at least twice a week badly. You can't tell anyone you're so ashamed.

The doctors know and you lie to protect him and to protect yourself. One morning you look in the mirror and the happy, young girl you were is gone.

That girl in the mirror , both eyes black and purple and her lip is swollen so badly she can't bear to drink water. The bruises, new ones starting over the old ones.

This goes on for a very long time and when your child is born it continues. Throw in alcohol, gambling and other women.

One night you have had enough and he starts yelling at a tiny baby. That's when you unleash the hate that's built up in you and you fight back.

He didn't beat me so badly that night.. he got the worst and I left with that baby and now I'm married to a wonderful man. Many years I've been married and he is the best thing that's ever happened to me.

Ashley... don't become another me... Please don't. Get away and
Forget him.

Hello Ashley, Im Marianne, and I am a voluntary counsellor for women who have left abusive violent relationships. I spotted this thread here when it first came onto the board, but I thought I would leave it until almost or most of the regulars had offered their advice to you, now I am going to just ask you to please read the following, then ask yourself do you want to live a life similar to what's in the following story, which is My Story, Please read it, its all real and very true.

I Am a Survivor of Domestic Violence
I met Robert in the September 1981 we got married 18 months later in 1983 the April of that year, throughout the time before we got married Bob was a great person, never appeared violent or even as if he had any kind of aggression. Within 7 days yes 7 days of our getting married this all changed, we had been married 1 week, we went out to a night club, an ex b/f of mine was there, all I did literally was to say hello to him, we left the club, on the way to the taxi rank, we argued, the next I knew I was in a ambulance, being taken to the hospital, apparently Bob had kneed me in the face knocking me out and breaking my nose.

Bob was arrested and charged with Grievous Bodily Harm, on the Monday morning I received a dozen red roses with a note saying how sorry Bob was. I agreed to see him on the Tuesday, we talked and he told me it would never happen again, he begged my forgiveness, I relented and we got back together.

Bob was due to appear in court on the following Friday to answer to the GBH charge, I had no desire to drop the charge, and nothing was mentioned until the evening before the court case, the result being I agreed to drop the charges, bad move. After several hours of if you love me and really forgive me you'll drop the charges, I really didn't want to do this, but after hours of his begging and pleading I gave in.

Life went on and we seemed to get along great again, then just after our 2nd anniversary we went out clubbing again, something happened I don't remember what it was but we ended up arguing the result of that escapade being Bob threw paint 5 litres of it all across our newly decorated lounge,then slashed a new corner unit we had with a stanley knife, he then ran off, the police were called, but that time no charges were made, I hadn't been assaulted but the lounge room of our flat was totally destroyed.

That time however Bob had taken all of my shoes, any money I had on me and ran off with them so I could not go out, due to no shoes or money, plus he took the car. He returned a few days later however that time far from being sorry he accused me of being responsible because I had said something wrong, or looked at someone I don't recall what it was but whatever it was according to Bob it was my fault I asked for it, if I had kept quiet it wouldn't have happened. I had no say in if he stayed or went he was staying whether I liked it or lumped it.

We moved about a year later, approximately 3 months after we moved, one weekend for no known reason Bob disappeared, taking the money, bank cards, and the car with him, I was frantic the local radio put out news flashes asking had anyone seen him, for about 3 days, he eventually returned on the Tuesday, offered no explanations, or anything for why he had gone or where he had been, but told me it was again my fault I drove him to do it. He did mention he had been with an old girlfriend.

By this time he was also asking or telling me I had to account for every single penny I spent what on why, where,when and all else. I had to literally show receipts to him for every penny spent on Sunday evenings. Right down to the finest detail. I had to stop having a milk man too because he heard me speak to him one time when I paid him, then I was accused of sleeping with him. We could be driving along in the car and for no known reason he would punch me in the face, then say Id been looking at some male or other, even when none was around, he frequently took my money away from me, he destroyed all of my shoes, as well as most of my clothes so I couldn't go outside the house.

He banned all and any friends from the house, and told them I said nasty things about them, and at times he would say he saw so and so when he was at the pub that they told him I was a slut a no good person, and deserved all he did to me. He demanded sex when he wanted it where he wanted it, I was told to shut up if I protested I was his wife if he wanted sex he could take it. I had to endure this treatment for many years.

I was told don't bother trying to leave no one wanted anything to do with me, that no one would believe me they all so say knew I was a lying slut. Of course I couldn't verify any of this I had no shoes I couldn't go outside. He told me not long after the 2nd event, don't bother with calling the police they wouldn't want to know I had wasted their time once, that meant they wouldn't be interested.

Whenever anyone dared to visit he made a big display of how much he had done for me how he was so good to me, he warned me say anything and Ill break your neck. He usually hit me once they'd gone anyway because of them having visited to start with, he claimed I invited them to our house, Ive no idea how I could have possibly done this with no phone etc. He had the phone changed to incoming calls only, not long after we had moved, so I couldn't phone out.

He stopped giving me any money whatsoever, literally not one single penny, he cut up my bank cards after his name was added to the account, when his name was added to the rent book, he often threatened to throw me out. He told me go eat in the other room he couldn't stand the sight of me. I was a slut a tramp an adulteress, along with any other name he could call me, he told me I made him do as he did, that it was all my fault, once he kicked me in the face so hard I felt my jaw go around like in the rocky movies he then kicked me again, which must have put it back in place.

He went to the pub Friday Saturday Sunday evenings, came home beat me up, then raped me, not every week but about once a month, the rest of the time he worked nights.

It was coming up to Xmas 89 we had been married 6 1/2 yrs, my brother was coming to ours for the Xmas, my brother arrived on 23rd December,( from Germany) on 24th December Bob said I could go out for the evening with my brother. He had bought me some shoes in advance of my brothers arrival. He gave me money to go out with it seemed he was treating me really good. I was though told to be home by 1am.

Whilst out for the evening my brother didn't want to go home at 1am, so we went to a party, we finally rolled back into my house at 10am, on Xmas morning looking rather dishevelled. As the front door opened and Robert saw me he smacked me around the face, took what money I had left off me, along with my shoes and coat and threw me out of the house, at 11am on Xmas morning, my brother followed me out within minutes, I had told him all about what I had been living with whilst we were out, he tried to speak to Robert but was told to keep out of it. It was about zero degrees I had no coat no shoes no money no home, on Xmas day 89.

My brother and I went over to our mothers house and stayed there, I went back to see Bob a few days or so later, we got back together. Only for me to be again thrown out on New Years Day 1990, Same style.

On 11th January 1990 I applied for an injunction order to oust Bob from my home, the Judge was bowled over by Bobs spiel of what a bad wife I was how violent I had been towards him, how I threatened to stab him often, he was some kind of a liar, boy could he ever tell a convincing tale. As there were no children involved the judge said he wasn't granting an injunction order he could see no reason to, that we could both live in the house. Of course this also gave me cause to lose faith in the legal system.

I had allowed my Son to go live with his Father years before, to protect him.

I was devastated, how could the judge do that to me, on 26th January 1990 my sister died, that self same night Bob kept me up all night questioning me, over and over again, calling me names pulling my hair, he said you leave then you can forget about this house, and all inside it.

The tenancy had been mine originally but Bobs name was added.

He put my head in the toilet then flushed it, then raped me violently, whilst holding a knife in his hand, as soon as he went out to go to work I just got a few things in a bag then left, I went to stay with friends. I stayed for 4 months.

I saw a solicitor not long after I left, I was told I couldn't get an injunction because when I left I didn't report any incident to the police so had no grounds.

In the April of that year 1990, I was advised by my solicitor to go back to my house or I would face losing it. I reluctantly did as I was advised. There was a court hearing to be held on the Wednesday, I returned to the house on the Sunday, the first night back there, wasn't too bad, but on the Monday night, I was in bed I felt Bob get in beside me I thought oh no please not this again, I knew he wanted sex, I didn't know how I could get out of it, he wanted sex so he could tell the Court on the Weds that we were back together.

He knew I wouldn't lie and say we had not had sex.

I tried to stall for time I said I wanted to go downstairs to make a sandwich, as I was doing this, I don't know why I just looked over my shoulder as I did I saw Bob was also in the kitchen he had a knife in his hand, which at same time I turned I saw him plunge the knife downwards in order to stab me with it, I grabbed hold of the knife as I did it almost sliced off the tops of my fingers on my left hand I screamed grabbed a tea towel and wrapped my hand in it, as the blood was spurting out so high it was hitting the ceiling. I ran outside and screamed for help I don't know where Bob had gone, but he came back, an ambulance turned up at about same time, he rode with me in the ambulance, I was seen in emergency dept immediately. He was told to wait outside.

I was totally unprepared for what I was to find out regarding the damage to my hand, the tendons nerves and whatever else in my 4 fingers had been severed completely, I would be admitted for an operation to be scheduled for later that day.

I thought I would need a few stitches and that would be it.

A nurse was bandaging up my hand, when Bob re-appeared at which point I said he did this he tried to kill me, call the police, with hearing this Bob ran away, he was arrested about half a mile from the hospital and charged with Malicious Wounding with Intent.

I had surgery on my hand the same day in afternoon, 3 half hours of micro surgery, after five days I was released from hospital, I went straight to the Women's Aid Refuge, whilst there, I applied for an injunction order, my case went before the same judge, as I was asked to give evidence, I held up my arm and said I was told by your honour to go and share my house with my non violent husband this is the result of that Thank You.

I still feel had that judge given an injunction order in the January I would have been spared from being stabbed, which could have so easily cost me my life, because Bob was intent on killing me, as he held up the knife he said to me I'm going to kill you if I can't have you no one will. He meant to kill me, the sight of the blood spurting from my hand stopped him.

I did get my house back but whilst I was in the refuge Bob went in and took everything out of it, he threw paint all over the place, emptied a dustbin in the lounge, so it took weeks to get it in a condition where I could live in it again, well 3 months actually, I never felt the same about it after that. I was unable to use my left hand due to the fact it was in plaster, I had wires through my finger nails to stop me straightening my fingers out, to do so would have ripped open the stitches I had in them, I was like that for 4 months, I still can't use the hand fully, I was left handed until then. To this day its still not how it was, Ive got scars I can't straighten my fingers out, I can't hold a pen to write with, Ive had to learn how to be right handed.

I had not in all the time I had know Robert, committed adultery or even looked at another man, it was all in his head, or he just made that up to excuse himself for beating me.

Robert finally appeared in court for stabbing me some 18 months later 1991, he was given a suspended sentence because he had moved away and was no longer considered a threat to me. Small consolation that was. However at least I was out of that hellish relationship for good and Ive never looked back... I am just so relieved I had the sense to send my Son to live with his Father, so he didn't have to witness what happened. I did this after the 2nd event happened.

Afterwards:
I was lucky my ex abuser saw the blood when he tried to kill me and panicked but so many women aren't so lucky and many have died at the hands of their abusers, if you are in a violent relationship, be it verbally or physically violent, then please don't suffer in silence, get out as soon as you can, get yourself and your children into a Women's Aid Refuge or Battered Wives home or whatever its known as in USA, don't wait until its too late.

Many people have asked me why did you stay with him for so long, all I can say is it wasn't always bad or violent, there were some reallly long periods of peace, plus how could I leave with no shoes no money? I felt trapped, I was trapped. The periods that were good were really good the bad times were awful... In my opinion I left at the first available chance, strange as that may seem, I was terrified to leave, he often told me you leave Ill track you down and kill you or your Son. Plus I subconsciously thought he would go back to the Man he was when I met him, he didn't.
I am a Survivor and this is my story...

Ashley don't settle for a life like mine was in the above. Stop it now before it gets to the above stage... Marianne

J_9 Thank you for reading it.

Take the advice you have received and get away from this guy. I wish you happiness and the right love will come along someday.

J_9 agrees : Wow Marianne... Thank you so much for having the courage to discuss your story.
Shadowburn agrees : What a story... thank you for sharing
Just Looking agrees : I'm glad you found the strength to leave. It sounds like the worst nightmare. It's good to see you doing so well now.


Thank You for comments on my DV story

His abuse and depression are not your fault.

Take a walk with him. Bite the bullet and tell him his anger and abuse are affecting the relationship. Put the ball back in his court.

Ask him what he's going to do. Tell him you WILL leave if he does nothing.

If you do nothing it will only get worse.

- Ashley, iKnow How Hard It Can Be To Leave Some Onee That You Have Fell In Lovee With; But Im Not Suggesting Leave Him; What Im Saying Is That iSuggest You Go With Him To Counseling; It Might Help Him See How You Feel; Tell Him Your Moving Out; Go Move With A Friend Or Parents; Let Him See How It Feels To Not Have You; He Had Not Right To Drag You Out Of Bed; Think About What Could Happen Next; You Need To be Strong; You Too Need To Go To Counseling Together 1 To Work Your RelationShip Problems 2 To Work Out His Problems; iAlso Think It Would Be Best For You To Move Out; Im Not Saying Brake Upp Just Take A Brake; When Counseling Is Over & You Feel Your Ready To Move In With Him Then Go For It; But Please At Least Think About Taking My Advice

-Kiyahnah