I am 21 years old I have been married to my husband for 3 years. My husband is 34 years old and has 2 kids for a previous marriage. He has a 12 year old boy and a 10 year old girl, about 2 years ago right before our 1 year anniversary the kids moved from their mother home to our home. The kids were very unhappy living with her and had been for some time, my husband asked their mother if they could live with us half time until thing in her home got better, this was suppose to be temporary we had just started our life togther and wasn't planning on having a family any time soon. The biggest reason the moved in with us was physical abuse from my step kids step family, their step father was pulling there hair to get them to stop throughing fit, and the step brother who has been in and out of juvy since he was 12 was pinning them down and my step son would come over with bruises all over his body, the mother would send the kids to school with no breakfast or lunch she sais it was there responsibility they are just kids in my opinion they had massive amount of cavities from not brushing there teeth EVER and my stepson was so underweight the school threatened to cal CPS on her, at the time my husband didn't know how to fight for custody other than a lawyer and we couldn't afford one so he just keep asking her to allow them to spend more time with us especially they didn't even have bed for them they slept on the floor every night even though the other children in the home had beds and there own room and were of the same sex. We had them half time for a year and one day she called and said my step son was coming to live with us full time we said OK and she dropped him off 2 months later my step daughter did too, a couple months go by and she got a call from child support that she would no longer be receiving child support because even though we had the kids we were still paying her over $1000 in child support because nothing was through the court during the phone call she told my husband she wanted the kids back even though nothing had changed to better her circumstances my husband explained to her that the kids were happy and they didn't want to live with her she said it didn't matter she still have custody on paper and they had to do what she wanted. I was devastated we soon found out we could go for emergency custody we did and we won. The kids started seeing her everyother weekend it got to a point where we were still having safety problems over there and we went back to court and the took night away which I think is the best thing. My thing is is that even thought there mother treats the kids like crap they still act like she does nothing wrong she will bake cookies for her new husband and not let them have any when she only sees them 40 hours a month, she tell them that if they keep calling and texting us while there over there that they should just leave, her stepson offered my stepson alchool and cigarette and made him tag a mail mox and they tell him he's a liar, they make fun of my step daughter to no relief about her clothes or personality, tells them that if there sick she doesn't want them to come over because they will get everyone sick, she let her brother tie her son to a tree and spray him with a hose, not only those things but constantly make them feel guilty don't you love me? Don't you want to see me more? Why are you trying to hurt? Me all I ever due is cry. She won't even talk to my husband on the phone no co-parenting at all she hangs up on him evertime he tries to talk to her its so frustrating the kids say to me I wish you were my mom and god knows I wish that but the fact remains she's always going to be there I just want to have a happy life I love the kids so much they have taught me so much and have made me grow into a better person I just need to know how to deal with the feeling of why do they still put up with her its like they like the abuse. Also we decided not to have kids because we felt with everything they have been through we didn't need to add drama and a blended family we want to be there for them and know that they don't have to share us, I was never reallly wanting kids anyway but do you think that is a smart decision I mean I am only 21 and have so much on my plate as it is and I think well if they were here we would probably have kids should I base my decision off them, what if they just leave and decide to move in with there mom?

It sounds like you've been making some good steps by going to court twice to revise visitation. I would consider going back a third time to ask for supervision during the visitation that is continuing with the children's mother to prevent the continuation of the mental and emotional abuse that's been ongoing. This way, the kids can see her but there will be no opportunity for abusive tactics whether guilt trips, tying kids to trees, nasty teasing or whatever else has happened in the past.

As for whether you should have children or not, I would recommend that you wait. You are only 21 which I personally feel is very young to take on this responsibility. Let things calm down in the family you have, and enjoy your marriage. You have a lot of time and men can conceive children into old age. Perhaps you could just wait until these children are adults or at least more settled into life as teenagers before you have kids - even if you wait 10 years, you will only be 31 and your husband in his early 40s.

It's a delicate balance handling the damage of the abuse going on in the children's mother's home. It is appropriate to correct bad behavior such as, "clearly you children are not trying to make anyone feel badly - the decision of where you live and how often you see each parent is an adult decision and is neither your responsibility nor your fault". At the same time you can support the mother in some ways such as, "when you only see your mother for a couple days a month, perhaps you can cut down on the texting during that time knowing that it makes her feel ignored and hurts her feelings". Try not to lump everything together into one big pot - try to keep in mind that the objective is for the children to learn to be good to their mother, learn to be respectful to her, and also learn that if she or others in her household do something inappropriate, it is inappropriate.

It would not be a bad idea to get counseling for the kids to work through what they are experiencing with their fractured family and not being treated well by some of their family members.

Best wishes to you.

The main thing is that children protect their parents no matter what. What they need from you... to feel that they are loved, none of this is their fault, and if you see abuse, you call it in!! The kids need to feel safe.

You are doing great with those kids.

You are trying to protect them from a lunatic (their mother and her latest squeeze)

Keep on protecting them and loving them. You are the only hope they have. Good luck.