Every time my daughter gets a new boyfriend she starts treating me like crap to the point of fighting and screaming at each other. She gets real hateful towards me. What does this mean and how to stop this?

I would think that would be her rebelious side coming out. Having a boyfriend makes her feel "grown up"

How old is your daughter? And are you the father or the mother?

I'm the mother and my daughter is a 28 year old single mom living with us. Her and her 2 year old boy.

She needs to respect you! I'll bet you keep the two year old while she's out with her boyfriend.

It's your house and she should respect you. Tell her this and if she doesn't go by the rules make her find her own place.

Its easy to take your frustrations out on those whom you love most.

It isn't right. Isn't OK. But its not uncommon for many to treat strangers or casual acquaintances better than we treat our loved ones.

Not right... but that's what comes from familiarity and comfort and trust. We trust that we can expose ourselves to the ones we love and have some wiggle room for making things right.

But, again, that does not mean she gets to have a free pass. You get the respect you demand, at best... and sometimes you don't get that. Time to stand firm and not be the sounding board for hateful noise.

"being there" is not the same as being a punching bag.

You're her mom and you're "safe" because she knows you love her unconditionally. She knows you will not dump her for behaving badly, but she has to tiptoe around the new boyfriend until she feels secure in his affections. She doesn't want him to dump her. She knows he doesn't love her unconditionally.

Can you avoid conflict with her? If she gets verbally confrontational, don't talk back and allow her to drag you into an argument. Just stay quiet and let her rage (like a two-year old). She'll finally run down and get quiet.

That's how we deal with angry library patrons. Let them vent. Say empathetic words and phrases to let them know you are listening. Don't yell back or get involved with their venting. Once they run out of gas (and that can be pretty fast if they think you are actually listening), then a serious conversation can begin. "How can we make things better for you?" "We have a problem. [Name it.] How can we solve it so we are both happy?"

How do I stand firm? I've tried everything. She says I tell her what to do all the time. For instance please don't leave the box of cereal open and she does anyway. Or roll the window up so the baby won't get wind in his ears because he has bad ears.
She says I'm telling her what to do.

How do I stand firm? I've tried everything. She says I tell her what to do all the time. For instance please don't leave the box of cereal open and she does anyways. Or roll the window up so the baby won't get wind in his ears because he has bad ears.
She says I'm telling her what to do.

Sit her down and tell her what you expect from her and as long as she is staying with you she will help. Tell her the baby should be her first priority and you don't want him getting sick. It's time she realizes she's not sixteen anymore and she is in your home.

How do I stand firm? I've tried everything. She says I tell her what to do all the time. For instance please don't leave the box of cereal open and she does anyways. Or roll the window up so the baby won't get wind in his ears because he has bad ears.
She says I'm telling her what to do.
Try for one day (Tuesday?) to not tell her what to do. She probably feels like you are always right behind her and watching every move she makes. Report back to us how she behaved when you didn't correct her at all and what she said to you (if anything). (It's only for a day. You can manage that.)

OK I'll try for one day (Tuesday) Thanks I'll be back

How do I stand firm? I've tried everything. She says I tell her what to do all the time. For instance please don't leave the box of cereal open and she does anyways. Or roll the window up so the baby won't get wind in his ears because he has bad ears.
She says I'm telling her what to do.

You are telling her what to do. Its your job. Within reason.

At some point, you let her be her... you pick your battles.

Is soggy cereal worth a fight? If you bought it and use it, sure. If its hers, probably not.

Our kids thrive and survive because of us and in spite of us.

So... you fight cats and dogs over froot loops and lowered windows?

Sounds like me and my stepdaughter.

But in the end, she loves me and I love her, despite ourselves.

Pick your battles and be willing to walk away more than not, not that she is an adult and had the right to choose her own life... soggy cereal is not serious. Period.

ok I'll try for one day (Tuesday) Thanks I'll be back
Terrific! Don't forget! -- no negative comments. But try to praise her about specific stuff now and then on Tuesday -- "I like the way you fixed your hair today" or "I like that top you're wearing today" or "The baby's outfit is so cute today. I don't think I've seen that one before" or "Thanks for putting the milk back into the refrigerator before it got too warm." Don't be gushy and overdo it. Be honest, but watch for her doing and saying good stuff and helpful stuff.

(I can't wait to read your report!)

You could always step back and maybe not watch her baby while she goes out. Let her hurt him if he has bad ears and she insists on putting the windows down. Let her screw up. Don't be there to tell her what is right and wrong. Just pull back. Let her figure out her life on her own. Maybe she'll learn to respect your opinion and learn how to take it instead of blowing up.

Maybe, but why make the baby suffer? He's the innocent one in all this.

Unfortunately he is innocent.. But it seems that when the OP helps her daughter out, her daughter backfires and gets defensive and mean yet still expects the OP to bend over backwards.

Maybe ignoring the baby isn't the right path to the capacity of allowing him to get hurt.. But maybe she should just step back and not watch the baby while her daughter goes out with her boyfriend.

From the sound of it, the daughter seems to be lacking responsibility. She gets mad when told to roll the windows up? Her baby has bad ears.. that shouldn't even be an argument much less a choice to have the windows down.

Poor baby :(

She feels bad about herself, and takes whatever you say as a criticism, or put down. Probably not all your fault, but the way she feels about herself. She needs more compliments, and plenty of hugs.

If this happens when she is with someone, and not an all the time thing, its because she is very stressed, and reliving past hurt.

I understand your frustration, and sympathize, but I don't think this is about you at all or about you being a mom.

Its about her, so pay attention, let her vent, but stay approachable. Above all don't tell her what to do and give her time and space to do the right thing herself, in her own time. Don't make a big deal out of small stuff, and don't insist she communicate her deeper feelings with you. Just be there in case.

Long story short, back off, and let her come to you. She has deep resentments about something, and she blows them at you, but I seriously doubt its about you.

When your daughter has a boyfriend he makes her feel loved, cared for, happy. When she doesn't have a boyfriend you provide the love and care that we all need. She doesn't need you when she has a boyfriend, typical "Y" generation child. I am the same with my daughter and I don't know how to get her to appreciate me as a person with value or indeed as an equal in the human race. It must be so obvious but I can't see it because all I want to do is make sure that my daughter is happy . Typical parent of a "Y" generation child. Hope that you do better than me, xo Gabe.