This is VERY random. But I need advice! I dated a guy that turned out to be gay years ago and I have been traumatized ever since. Every guy I've ever dated after that, I always find something that makes me think that he's gay. My current "boyfriend" (I don't know what we are anymore)... We are not putting labels on it right now. Anyway, the point is: There were numerous reasons I thought he was gay, but I always thought that it was all in my head. That I was maybe judging him wrong based on my past experience...
So, a couple months ago, I befriended his best friend's girlfriend. Im calling her Martha. Im calling his best friend Tom. Tom and my boyfriend are ALWAYS together. I always found that a bit weird, but until recently I started to suspect of something more than just a friendship. Martha has been telling me that she went into Tom's emai account (yes, she snooped!) and found emails that he has been sending to men (gay men, to be precise). Just today, she told me about him sending an email with a picture of his penis to a guy. I feel like this is TMI for me. Private stuff that I should know about her boyfriend. And to be honest I honestly think that HE IS GAY. She wants to confront him, but I don't know what to tell her. He is physically abusive and I don't want her to get her. I personally don't know how she can be with him!! And how my boyfriend considers him a friend... best friend! HA!

But now, it also makes me sad because all the reasons that I thought of how my boyfriend could be gay can potentionally be real and not just in my head. By association, my boyfriend is also gay. I could name all the reasons of why I thought he was gay in the first place. But it is enough to say that my friends and family thought I was the crazy one for even thinking such things. So I thought that in deed it WAS all in my head. Especially since I was traumatized in the past. I was scared of this happening to me again... So I am looking out for myself, I don't want to be fooled twice! Ohhh gosh! This is so much drama, it makes me want to forget all about my boyfriend and be done with it. But I have been dating him for 4 years now and I feel like when I do give up, I want to be sure that that is what I want. This is messed up, I never knew I would ever have to go through this not once but twice in a lifetime!!

If he's having sex with you and enjoying it, he's at most bissexual and not gay. This is a fact.

Secondly, is him being bissexual a problem for you?

Thirdly, what's the problem of your boyfriend having a friend who might be bissexual or gay himself? It doesn't make him gay or bissexual by proxy.

I'd say you should be more concerned that your boyfriend is friends with someone who is physically abusive to their SO.

If you're so concerned about this, best thing you can do is:

Talk to him about it.

If he confirms it and it's something that bothers you so much, then you can move on and find another that you're comfortable with. If he denies it and you have no reason to doubt his response, then well, you've got your confirmation.

A suggestion if I may, don't come across as aggressive when talking to him about this. He might react in a defensive manner and just deny anything just because of your behaviour. Be calm, respectful and tactful when approaching these delicate subjects.

Good luck!

Just because "Tom" is bisexual, doesn't mean that your boyfriend is. Lots of straight men and women have gay friends.

Unless you have some concrete proof that he's cheating on you with "Tom", then I think you just have to let it go or your relationship will fail.

Reading your post I think you're obviously homophobic, or semi at least, and that's not a crime. You're possibly over thinking the whole situation, you've been with your b/f 4 years Im sure if he were gay you would have discovered this for certain by now.

You're bringing problems into your relationships that aren't there, and you'll end up getting hurt if you continue in this vein. We can and many do have bi-sexual friends, it doesn't mean that we too are gay.

As for your friend if she has doubts about her b/f sexuality then she has to decide what to do about that. I wouldn't allow myself to get involved, you could talk with her about it sympathise and whatever else, but keep your opinions of how she deals with it to yourself. Maybe she does have something to worry about, but regardless its her relationship, and as such she needs to sort it out with her b/f.

I feel you're worrying unnecessary about your b/f and you could end up losing him or offending him deeply if you make accusations of him being gay.

Tread carefully, he's been with you 4 years, I think your worries are unfounded.

I know that my worries may be unfounded. And I am not homophobic at all. I was in a relationship in the past with someone that I really loved and he turned out to be gay. I suffered a lot and once again, I fear I might be going through the same path!

JK191 We do have sex and he seems to enjoy it, but half the time it's like he's not even there. He never like oral, which is one of the reasons I thought he might be gay... So I wouldn't say everything is great in that department. :(

I have no problem with him being gay or bisexual. My issue with this is being lied to. I really don't want to have my heart broken twice over this same issue!

He never like oral, which is one of the reasons why I thought he might be gay...

.. how does that translate to him being gay? Gay guys don't like receiving oral sex..

If Tom is abusive, then Martha should split with him, now.

There is no such thing as "gay by association".

You sound paranoid due to your past experience. Understand that when you are having second thoughts.

Tom MAY be bi-sexual. Just because your guy hangs out with him doesn't mean a thing.

You should consider counseling.

Good luck.

You say you don't like being lied to, so when have you been lied to?

You're making judgements about your b/f and have nothing to substantiate them.

If you want to sort this out and I mean really sort it out, why not calmly tell him you have these fears, by judging him you're being unfair and disloyal, I wonder why you're with him if you are making these judgements about him which appear totally unfounded.

No, I meant he doesn't like giving it, he LOVES receiving it! Which is unfair... for me! I've never talked to him about it because it's awkward. I have other reasons but this is one that has to do with what JK191 mentioned. This is a sensitive subject it's always akward for me to talk about, specially with him! :S

Martha should worry less about Tom's sexuality and more about being abused. His possible sexuality is just another reason to get out before something bad happens to her.

As for you and your boyfriend, is part of your insecurity about his sexuality because you don't know where your relationship with him stands? You have been dating for four years and currently don't know whether to call him your 'boyfriend' or not. You may not be labeling the relationship but does it have defined boundaries?

The only way to know if someone is gay is to ask him and for him to admit it. Who your friends are does not define your own sexuality. If you have a lesbian friend, does that make you a lesbian? Does that make you bi-sexual?

I think you know that you are not healed from the past experience. Gay or not, it sounds like your ex did a number on your trust and self-esteem. You might consider counseling if you really were that traumatized by him. Frankly, I think you are using it as an excuse for bad behavior in a relationship. You are undermining the relationship by looking for the tiniest 'proof' that your partner might be gay because if he is then you have proved to yourself all men can't be trusted and nothing that went wrong was your fault.

Take responsibility and ask him face-to-face (no text, email, or twitter) if you really think he is gay or bi. Turn on the lights and stop trying to guess what the shadow really is.

Communication is a big part of relationships.

Yes positiveparent. When I say I don't want to be lied to I speak of my past relationship and fear of going through that again.

OP your past relationship is long gone, try not to bring the excess baggage of that relationship into this one, they're completely different, also lightening doesn't usually strike the same place twice.

Talk to your b/f.

Thank you everyone for all the feedback. I realize that I am not healed with what happened with my ex and have been transferring all those fears to my current relationship. We have set boundaries but things got complicated and we are trying to take things slow...

Cat1864 What you said: "I think you are using it as an excuse for bad behavior in a relationship. You are undermining the relationship by looking for the tiniest 'proof' that your partner might be gay because if he is then you have proved to yourself all men can't be trusted and nothing that went wrong was your fault."

I know that a lot of what went wrong WAS my fault, the reason everything is complicated IS because I got needy and psycho. And it makes sense to think that I am looking for an excuse so that I can justify my actions. I do love him A LOT. He says that he loves me and want to be with me and continue our serious relationship but my behaviour has shown him that I am not ready. He can't be with me unless he stops thinking that his future with me will be hell! And yes, I have put him through hell, especially these past 3 months, with my insecurities... :( I keep hearing that I need counseling and I still haven't done anything about it. I agree, but I honestly don't see how that would help!

Once again thank you for everyone's feedback. It has helped me a lot! In fact, I am now more strongly considering therapy.

From your other post,


I am currently with my boyfriend of 4 years but I am starting to annoy him with my neediness and I can't control it

If you have been with a guy for 4 years and can't talk openly, and honestly about your fears and concerns then you don't have much of a relationship. You have many fears and insecurities to deal with, and a lot of pressure you put on yourself without outlets of support, or guidance in how to deal with them, or a way to unpack your own baggage. Yes some help with all of this is a good step in understanding yourself, and how best to deal with yourself.