I have ran out of ideas for my children. One is mine and three are stepchildren. I need help on behavior and for bad grades.:confused:

Can you give more info? The punishment should fit the crime, and since we don't know what the crimes are, nor do we know what punishments you have exhausted it is hard to help you.

The crimes range from throwing tantrums, to not listening, not helping around the house, such as doing chores. I have tried grounding, going to bed earlier. Plus, my two oldest girls keep bringing bad grades home in the same subject every week. I have ran out of ideas of handling things. The kids seem to just walk all over me, no matter how much I yell, punish or anything. I do not spank my three stepchildren, I feel its not my place. HELP!?

How old are they?

Yelling usually DOESN'T work.

If they don't do there chores…Do you give them an allowance? Spending money to go out? If they don't do there chores, they don't get money.

If that doesn't work, take away other things of theirs….an iPod, computer, whatever.

The girls that are getting bad grades…have you TALKED to them about why they are having troubles? Sometimes it could be because they don't understand the material and are too afraid to ask for help. But go to them in a NICE way, not a confronting tone or they will be scared to admit it to you!

The ages are 13, 12, 10 and 7. A handful, huh? We tried the allowance thing and that didn't work. They have just acquired some bad habits from when they lived with their mother and its just hard trying to break some of those. I ask the girls when they get their bad grades in Social Studies, and I have tried to do different things, like: helping them read the chapter, go over important points within the chapter and try to make things a little more interesting. Have any more suggestions??

First of all, I am going to welcome you to teen parenting 101, as I have so many other parents here.

How bad are their grades? My daughter's friend gets a B- in a class and wow, sh! Hits the fan! But to me that is not a bad grade.

Have you wondered that they are doing the best they can? Not all kids are A or B students. I was not until I hit 38 and went back to college. In school I was a C or D student and I tried as hard as I could to get better grades, they just did not come.

Have you considered talking to their teachers and maybe getting a study guide for their tests? Have you considered getting a tutor? I could not have made my math grades in college without one!!

What bad habits did they acquire from their mother?

The 13 year old is bringing her grade up from a C- to a B. But the 12 year old keeps going down, from a B to a C- and almost a D now. They always get A's and B's. And I have heard that this teacher is teaching at a college level. And I told the girls to go to the teacher and ask him if they could do extra credit to help with the grade, but haven't yet.
The bad habits may seem petty to some, but its just irratating when you continuously tell them and they don't listen. Like, when going to take a shower they just pull the pants off without unbuttoning and unzipping them. I don't care if they don't, its just the point of being lazy. Going in a room turning on the light and coming out and forgetting. See, I told you it may sound petty, but I wasn't brought up that way. And they just have no respect for me or their dad. Just that extra helping out would be apprecitated. That's it in a nutshell.

Okay, don't rely on them to go to the teacher for extra credit. You do it. The teacher will respect a parent more if the parent goes in for a conference even when parent-teacher conferences are not scheduled. My mother-in-law is a teacher, as well as other family members of mine, so I know this for a fact. You need to have more communication with the teachers.

You are kidding though about not unzipping or unbuttoning right?! Get real!! This is such a minor offense that I am not surprised they are giving you a hard time. This one is just borders on ridiculous!!

As for not turning off the lights, I can understand that. Just gently remind them to go back and turn the light off. Do it over and over again, they will eventually get the message. These are kids. Their brains are not focused on whether a light is left on.

No, you were not raised this way, but times have changed. Things are different, we have to change our parenting skills to match the times.

If the above is all that they are doing wrong, then I think you may need to reflect and see how hard you may be making it on them rather than them making it hard on you. You were right when you said it may seem petty, and it does. They don't listen because it is petty. They don't listen because they are children and unzipping their blue jeans is not something that tops their list of priorities at their ages.

Okay tell us really why is unzipping and unbuttoning so important to you?

Back to school, you or their father needs to meet with the teachers to better understand what is going on. Only the teacher can give you insight into what they are lacking in class.

I guess my thinking about things need to change. I think a lot of my problem is that I still have resentment towards their mother for kicking them out because she couldn't handle them anymore. Plus, I feel I can't give my youngest who is 7 the attention that she has had in the past. I just get frustrated a lot and don't know how to handle it sometimes. Two years ago I was in a bad car accident when someone hit me head on and lost his life and it broke both of my legs. I just have had to deal with a lot of things and plus deal with what's going on in my life. I feel that I'm not being fair and try not to be like I am. I love my kids and will do anything in the world for them but wish sometimes I got some of that back. Am I wrong?

You are not wrong, but you are not right either.

Yes, your thinking needs to change. You need to understand that they are children. You cannot expect them to do as you do or act as you act. You need to mold them, they are clay in your hands right now. Punishing them for not unzipping their pants can border on emotional abuse.

No, you can't give your 7 year old the attention she had in the past, but if you were to have a baby right now she would still be lacking that attention.

You can't resent them because of their mother. It is not their fault that she is their mother.

I know you want something back and you will get it after you mold them into beautiful respectful women, but for now they are children, not mini adults. Let them be children, when they grow up they will respect you more and give back what you feel you are lacking right now.

Now, there is more coming out. I don't believe it is about the girls, I believe it is more about you.

Children are just children, they play hard, get dirty, forget to turn off lights, forget to put toys away, playing is more important than school, but you have to shape them, not punish them.

I am a mother of 4 also. Mine are 20, 19, 13 and 4. I have been in your shoes, I understand what you are going through.

Thanks for the encouragement! They have been living with us for a year and a half now. And it's a lot for all of us to adjust to. I guess I am expecting too much out of them, and that's where I am getting molded too.

I am 41 years old and I am still learning everyday. I guess when it comes to parenting I rely on what I feel is right, sometimes it may not be, but I guess that is where we learn from our mistakes. Cause my parents were never there for me when I was younger. So my family growing up was my church. I just want to do the right thing for them so they grow up and have a happy life and can do the right things when they have children.

I try to talk to them since they didn't get that at home and sometimes its like talking to a wall. They just clam up and give you that blank look. I want to give them that emotional support and its hard when they won't talk back. I know they are children but holding things in just makes for a bomb inside.

Yes, witholding can be bad. But, on the other hand, they may feel like you are pressuring them. Let them open up to you when they are ready, don't try and force it on them.

I am 42 so, again, I know where you are coming from. Just be the supportive parent rather than the punishing parent. When my daughter comes home with a bad grade (rare as it is though) we will discuss why the grade was bad, how she could have done better, and that a bad grade here or there does not make or break who you are as a person.

In my opinion grades are terrible things. They make children ashamed if they cannot do as well as their friend. The bad grade put a stigma on a child that they are not as smart as the other children, but in reality could possibly be more intellectual, they just may be a bad test taker.

There are so many ways to be a strong disciplinarian without being a punisher, or as my 4 year old says sometimes, a "meanie." There are a wide variety of ways to discipline a child appropriately with love rather than restrictions.

Please keep the info coming, I think we are on our way to getting you out of this rut!! ;):D

I totally agree with you. The girls have great grades and I tell them that I hate to harp on the one that is bad. So, that's when we try something different when they are studying for a test. Talking to you really has made me look deep inside and think of the way I am doing things.

So what do you suggest when it comes to disciplining? I have tried the time out chair, and when I sit them there, they sit there the minutes they are old and then when time is up, they have to tell why they were sitting there and do they owe anyone an apologize. I have also tried grounding, such as going to bed earlier, no TV, no video games. But that doesn't seem to effect them. The discipline varies with each act. (ie: being disrespectful, not listening when told to do something and so on.)

My littlest also calls me "meanie" and I want my daddy. And now she is on the kick of when she gets mad at me, she is leaving.?

Ooh, Time out chair?? :eek: I think they are a little too old for that. That should be reserved for toddlers! No, no, no girl! 13, 12, 10 & 7 are WAY too old for a time out chair. I don't even use that on my 4 year old anymore.:eek:

Do they have chores other than keeping their rooms clean? If not, I suggest you get them all together and let them help you make out a chart. With every chore that is done and done right they get a special treat. For the one that does mouth off or whatever, she has to do one of the chores of one of the girls who was good that day. It is a trade off. Eventually they will want one of the others to take their chores, so they will do good. It will take some time to get into the routine, but the trade off will be enormous.

Make a chore chart. Each girl gets an age appropriate chore... Use a dry erase board with may colors. When one girl acts up you can ask the girl who was good which chore she wants to give up for the day. Then the naughty one has to do that chore. In this way you are involving them in the punishment.

Any more tricks you need?;)

Thanks for the suggestions. I will try it out and see if it works.Talk to you soon.