A bit uncomfortable since this is my first time seeking help on a forum.

Here's the story in brief:

I am married to a supportive, nice, friendly and smart guy for five years now. We get along really well together. I love him, he loves me. I respect his judgement and he is, probably, the best friend I have. If you ask me, there is no major problem / trouble areas in our marriage.

I thought that I have found the one, married him and now it is time for happily ever after. Till I met this other guy at my new job.

On paper or otherwise, he is totally the Mr Wrong - he is NOT the guy I always imagined as my ideal partner. In fact, we didn't even start as friends, since he came across as brash, arrogant and neurotic in the beginning. Once we realized that we needed to work together anyway, we made our peace.

Then we started talking, since we sat next to each other. Since I never felt the pressure to impress him / get along outside of work, I felt free to express my opinions freely. I think it was the same with him. So we developed this dynamic where we could tell each other anything, be openly challenged and understand other points of view without feeling offended. He always made sure that I was thinking through every decision at work, since I am a bit impulsive and tend to react too quickly. There are instances where he even saved me from making grave mistakes.

For me, the weird feelings started to appear when there was this big meeting at work and the boss was trying to pin the blame for a major mishap on me. I was totally tongue-tied with rage and couldn't even speak to defend myself without getting all teary-eyed. This guy stood up for me firmly, I the meeting and after it. He supported me through my emotional outburst as the aftermath of the said meeting.

That day, I remember, I couldn't shake off his thought. For the first time at home, I didn't blow off the steam from the meeting mishap with my husband (that he was already stressed at work also stopped me from venting). I remember even googling the office guy and feeling weird that I should feel the need to do that.

Since then, an emotional distance crept up between me and my husband. I shared more and more about my life with this guy, sometimes asking his advice, sometimes just venting. He always asked the right questions and called my bluffs. He told me clearly why some of the decisions I had made were bad / hasty, something my husband never does (he is unbelievably supportive, but never gives negative 'feedback' as such).

After three months, I realised my fondness for the said friend is bordering on obsession and I have some tender feelings for him. I immediately tried to cut down on our interactions and sharing and beat a hasty retreat. He somehow understood that something weird was happening and didn't question why I wasn't talking to him much. I even tried to rekindle the romance with my hubby, going out on a short vacation. But it didn't work. Throughout this time, I kept thinking about this guy.

Now I have decided that before too much damage occurs, I will change my job. I know in this economy it will take time, but I am trying. Meanwhile, it is really breaking my heart not talking to this guy, letting go of this priceless friendship. Since (I guess) he knows how I feel, things are really uncomfortable in office, especially since our friends have started asking what is wrong. Every time I see him I feel like crying. Every moment something reminds me of our time together, I start re-living it.

Is there something wrong with me? Will I ever be able to get out of this? Is my marriage disfunctional (because of which this is happening)? What should I do now? I am so confused and sad.

Are you willing to leave your marriage and your husband for this man?

Are you willing to gamble that this man feels the same way?

All marriages go through hard times,all of us at some point have found ourselves attracted to an other,but its how you deal and your actions that tell a lot.

You have been having an emotional affair,that has put your marriage at risk,is it worth it? Has it been worth it? For the mental anxiety your feeling now.

You made the choice to share with this man,and you have put your marriage in trouble,not your husband,you could say,'i can't help my feelings' but yes you can,you continued to share with this man,knowing what it was doing to your marriage.

Good that your looking for another job,if your committed to making your marriage work then being honest with your husband and working on the problems that led you to have an emotional affair,perhaps you both can get back on track.

Your husband may not forgive you,no doubt he will be hurt and feel betrayed,and he may walk,that's the gamble you took.

My advice is,take a long hard look at your life and examine why you choose to share your heart with another man, to be honest with your husband,but most importantly with yourself.

There should be an answer box to post your reply,so other posters can offer advice also.

I see where your coming from,and to tell your husband and the hurt it would cause would have long lasting effects.

In saying that,its going to be a hard one to live with,putting your all back into your relationship with your husband will reap rewards,but the dishonesty will be there,maybe not in an obvious way,but it will still be there.

I do see how this other man has probably stirred feelings in you,but that's all,there is nothing else there.

Try and learn the 'why' you did this,what was it that spun your head,and apply the answer to your marriage.

If you decide not to tell your husband,I still feel you should offer some explanation,your going to be lost in thought for a while and will have feelings of guilt,would it be possible that you can get some councilling to help you sort through your feelings and thoughts.

I am in no way saying lie,in the end its your life and your decision,your husband is innocent in this and deserves his wife's honesty and a truthful marriage.

You are truly in a bad head space and I seriously recommend you don't go through this alone,you need a sounding wall and someone you can be honest with in real time, for your own mental and emotional health.

Like many of us humans, we mistake all intense feelings we have for other humans of the opposite sex, as something more than what it is, and get so carried away by our own feelings, we are distracted from reality.

Maybe we cannot help having the feelings, but we sure the hell have control over what we do about them. So far, you have allowed your own feelings to disrupt the bond between you, and your husband, and are allowing it to affect your job. You think getting another job solves the problem? No way, as chances are this inability to cope, and control your own feelings, will happen again, and again, until you deal with the real problem.

Your lack of boundaries of good behavior, that will ruin friendships, and marriages.

Just because you have feelings, must you act on them? I don't think so. Nor should you let them distract you from the important things in life.

This is more about how you cope with your feelings, rather than letting them cope with YOU. Set some boundaries, and priorities, and don't cross the lines, between acting on fantasy, and dealing with reality.

Now go home, and pay attention to your husband, and leave work matters at work. Yes that means your co worker/friend too. The intensity of your feelings for your friend will pass if you let them, over time, as you focus on what you have at home, and keep building by focusing, and pushing those distracting thoughts aside, for real thoughts, and actions that are needed.

I see the points the previous posters have made here and agree with both of them for the most part. Hopefully they don't mind if I add a couple of things for you to think about.

You appear to be a casualty of the "White Knight Syndrome." Your emotional attachment to this man became solidified when he came to your rescue at that meeting. Please recognize this for what it is and start disentangling yourself from the fantasies you have created for yourself. We are all tested at one time or another during our marriages. It is how we respond to those tests that show our emotional stability. It was great that he backed you up. You should be grateful that his brashfulness (sp?), and arrogance that you noticed when you first met him came in handy that day. You owe him a huge thank you, NOT your heart. Be a good co-worker/friend and let him know you have his back and will return the favor one day if the occasion ever arises. You really need to focus on what this actually is. Infatuation, not love. AND, you are right to distance yourself from him. Continue to do so.

From the way you write you strike me as a smart and insightful woman. Whether other people you work with agree, YOUR first impression of this man was very negative. You know he isn't a good match for you. You stated that he is "MR. WRONG." So, start focusing on what it was about him that you didn't like when you first met him. Every time you allow warm fuzzy feelings for this guy to enter your thoughts, replay in your mind all the crappy obnoxious stuff that came out of his mouth. Stop tuning out the bad side of this guys personality. Start tuning out all the nice aspects of it and the nice words that spew forth from the guy. Keep telling yourself he is an arrogant loser. And, for crying out loud, don't backslide regarding your personal life. DO NOT ever again talk about your personal life with this man! You know you muddied the line between business and personal. Bad girl! Bad, bad. :) You know what I am trying to say here.

If you feel that you cannot manage this on your own, I suggest you find a counselor or therapist who is experienced in dealing with marital problems & workplace romances. If you feel the only way to deal with this situation is to change jobs, then by all means do so. But don't think that this will solve your problem. I agree with Talaniman about the fact that you need to learn to cope with your feelings/emotions rather than let them control you. Learning how to do this is the only way you will find happiness within your life. If you don't, you will eventually tear apart your marriage. You will be the cause of the irreversable pain your husband will be forced to endure. I am sure you do not want to do that to him. So, accept that you may need outside professional help to get though this and to learn how to properly cope with your emotions.

One other thing, I don't agree with the others that you should tell your husband at this point in time. You are still entangled with your feelings for your co-worker (is it okay for me to call him "loser"? You need to start referring to him as "loser" or "the arrogant s.o.b." in your head. Think negative when it comes to this guy. It will help you get through this as long as you are stuck working with him). You still think you are in love with this co-worker so, if you have any desire to save your marriage, you need to keep your mouth shut. You have been carrying on an emotional affair as the others pointed out. But, unloading your guilt onto your spouse is In my opinion a very selfish act and it is damaging to a marriage if you haven't resolved the issues. Once you can move past this confusion you are feeling, and you are emotionally detached from the co-worker, you will be able to have a rational discussion with your husband about this, if you choose to do so at that time. Right now, you are emotionally raw. He will ask you what you want to do or if you are in love with this guy. Your answers will in all likelihood do more harm to your already strained relationship. You are the reason the relationship is strained, so you need to fix yourself first.

I hope this helps.

Just_another_lemming, THANK YOU! Just calling this guy that 'arrogant SOB' has helped immensely (since I know that he definitely IS one). I think as Talaniman has pointed out, I clearly overstepped the boundaries here and landed in this mess. But this is clearly my mess and I need to deal with this - neither the said coworker nor my SO should be a part of this. Your words have certainly made me look at the whole situation a lot more realistically.
As for translating this thought into action, it is going to be tough, especially because I see this guy every day. I don't think he responds to my feelings - as of now, he is just awkward. From this moment, I have stopped talking anything personal at work. But may be I still perceive him as the 'White Knight', which needs to go away.
I am not so sure about the professional help, since I never open up to strangers, much less shrinks (it took me 10 days just to decide and open up on this forum). I think I just need to be a stronger person here.
Also, it has opened my eyes to the cracks in my marriage. Don't know how I will solve this, but this is a good start.
Redhed35, Talaniman and especially Just_another_lemming, a big thank you for your understanding and help.