guyindistress
Jul 1, 2010, 04:58 PM
My (now ex-g/f) states that the main reason she decided to break up (after 8 months) was that she was not getting enough sex - even though we had discussed several times that I felt it important to focus on other aspects of being together. I also was trying to look at other reasons as to why I wanted to 'take it slower' specifically in regard to sex, but it was never an issue of not being attracted to her. But I was blindsided by her decision.
The first month we were together, we had sex almost every day. I had previous relationships that were primarily sexual and wanted to avoid past mistakes. After the first month, we began having sex 1 to 2 times a week, but our relationship was not devoid of intimacy (or what I thought was good communication). Overtime, this (low?) level of sex apparently grew increasingly frustrating for her and mount to the point that her only recourse was to stop seeing each other.
But five days after ending the relationship, she finally revealed to me that she had got on my computer (during our last weekend together) to specifically look for evidence of me cheating - as if what I had been verbally sharing with her about sex and intimacy was not valid. She found a handful of highly suspect browser entries. When I explained that a few days previously, I was cleaning up an email account and had clicked onto a link to an old posting and re-read 2 emails associated with that posting, this was not sufficient enough for her.
I do not know the extent to which she had snooped in my browser history, but if she had done a fuller investigation (say, looking back over the past 6 months), she would have seen that there was nothing else questionable. Not even any porn. It was a very isolated discovery - the reality being that I had re-opened and re-read an old posting and 2 emails before I deleted it and this is what was visible in the history - and the only 'mistake' I made was to do this. Until she mentioned this 'discovery,' it never occurred to me to even be concerned about my browser history! And I am not - I have done nothing inappropriate.
The reality is that I do not cheat on the people I love and never have. But the fact that she 'sat' on this info for almost an entire week before telling me really speaks to the point I have since made that our communication was not as good as perhaps we both assumed and needs a lot of work - but I don't see it as a legitimate reason to end a relationship with a lot of potential (the host of positive things I have not mentioned here).
It has been 3 weeks now and we have talked several times since - but only once in person. Interestingly enough, she is now questioning my sexuality (I am straight?). This is so stupid - especially since we have both been 'experimented' and talked about it earlier. For me I did it during my late teens (long since passed) and she was in a 4 year sexless relationship with another female during her 20s)!
From the point she ended our relationship she has been very dismissive of how I feel, emotionally distant, defensive - that she could have possibly made any mistakes, and her trust levels have been close to zero (which she has since confirmed) - almost to the point that I feel demonized. She conveys an attitude of indifference and continued suspicion and I find this incredibly painful. I have apologized many times since (for whatever misunderstandings I have helped create) and have yet to hear any corresponding admissions coming from her - not one. She has not even apologized for violating my privacy - only saying that "maybe" she shouldn't have done it. She confides primarily in an older sister (whom has never met me) living far away on the west coast and I think some bad counseling has been taken to heart.
If the community here finds difficulty in offering any useful advice as to what I can do, then please know that I am also wondering at this point why I should try to "do something" about what seems to be a total disaster... Thanks for your help.
The first month we were together, we had sex almost every day. I had previous relationships that were primarily sexual and wanted to avoid past mistakes. After the first month, we began having sex 1 to 2 times a week, but our relationship was not devoid of intimacy (or what I thought was good communication). Overtime, this (low?) level of sex apparently grew increasingly frustrating for her and mount to the point that her only recourse was to stop seeing each other.
But five days after ending the relationship, she finally revealed to me that she had got on my computer (during our last weekend together) to specifically look for evidence of me cheating - as if what I had been verbally sharing with her about sex and intimacy was not valid. She found a handful of highly suspect browser entries. When I explained that a few days previously, I was cleaning up an email account and had clicked onto a link to an old posting and re-read 2 emails associated with that posting, this was not sufficient enough for her.
I do not know the extent to which she had snooped in my browser history, but if she had done a fuller investigation (say, looking back over the past 6 months), she would have seen that there was nothing else questionable. Not even any porn. It was a very isolated discovery - the reality being that I had re-opened and re-read an old posting and 2 emails before I deleted it and this is what was visible in the history - and the only 'mistake' I made was to do this. Until she mentioned this 'discovery,' it never occurred to me to even be concerned about my browser history! And I am not - I have done nothing inappropriate.
The reality is that I do not cheat on the people I love and never have. But the fact that she 'sat' on this info for almost an entire week before telling me really speaks to the point I have since made that our communication was not as good as perhaps we both assumed and needs a lot of work - but I don't see it as a legitimate reason to end a relationship with a lot of potential (the host of positive things I have not mentioned here).
It has been 3 weeks now and we have talked several times since - but only once in person. Interestingly enough, she is now questioning my sexuality (I am straight?). This is so stupid - especially since we have both been 'experimented' and talked about it earlier. For me I did it during my late teens (long since passed) and she was in a 4 year sexless relationship with another female during her 20s)!
From the point she ended our relationship she has been very dismissive of how I feel, emotionally distant, defensive - that she could have possibly made any mistakes, and her trust levels have been close to zero (which she has since confirmed) - almost to the point that I feel demonized. She conveys an attitude of indifference and continued suspicion and I find this incredibly painful. I have apologized many times since (for whatever misunderstandings I have helped create) and have yet to hear any corresponding admissions coming from her - not one. She has not even apologized for violating my privacy - only saying that "maybe" she shouldn't have done it. She confides primarily in an older sister (whom has never met me) living far away on the west coast and I think some bad counseling has been taken to heart.
If the community here finds difficulty in offering any useful advice as to what I can do, then please know that I am also wondering at this point why I should try to "do something" about what seems to be a total disaster... Thanks for your help.