Before I met my fiancé, she and a co-worker were f-buddies. They only had sex four times, but still, it was sex. They are still co-workers, work together on grad school assignments, are going to be working on a final project together, and will be sharing a room together this fall. Thinking about it drives me nuts. I can't stand the idea of him being intimate with her the way that I am. I mean to me, she's sacred, she's everything to me. But to know he was having sex with her before I met her, knowing it meant nothing, just sex, really bothers me. Its not that I don't trust her, because I do, wholeheartedly, its just, I can't get over that they used to do it. I wish she had never told me about it. I mean, it really really bothers me. What should I do before this completely destroys me? Ive told her how I felt and she understands, and she told me it meant nothing... it only happened while she was drunk, and the one time she was sober it was very awkward... and the times they did it really weren't very enjoyable, and she told him that as soon as she met me, it was over. No more. He badgered her with questions about how she was looking for only fun, and that he was going to give it to her. Then she had to tell him off by telling him that I do bring her fun, and that I'm what's she's looking for, and quite frankly, much better than him in bed. He then got upset, and she asked him to leave her room. She told me the way she did it with him was nothing at all the way we do it. He never even made her orgasm, and that she only did it because she was at a point in her life where she wanted to be promiscuous because her ex-husband of 10 years really abused her emotionally and cheated on her constantly. Now, I believe her when she tells me that stuff, but I still wish they had never done it. Because now he's in the picture, and will be until she finally gets a new job. What do I do? This is eating away at me... more than it should, because I go back and forth with myself about how it was in the past, and everyone has a past, but that she's with me now and I have nothing to worry about. And I know ALL of that, but for whatever reason, I still think about them two being intimate. Will this ever go away? Do you think maybe I need therapy? Help?

Could it be that this boils down to the type of person she is? What kind of morals and values does a woman (or man) have that they can casually have sex with a person, just because they feel like it. It sort of boils down one of life's most intimate experiences to no more than going out and buying a hamburger.

What kind of person could so casually use another person for sex, as they both did, and reduce themselves to being so desperate sexually, that the only thing in common they have is sex.

I don't think it matters how many times, or whether it was good or not, or whether you are better in the sack.

In my opinion, and millions will disagree, the type of person who would stoop so low, and think so little of something that should be reserved for a serious relationship that involves some commitment, wouldn't even be on my radar.

So... my fiancé and I have been together for about a year and a half. When we first met, we used to have sex like rabbits. It was non-stop. And I think it was that way because we had just met, we were new to each other, and I wasn't her ex husband, and she wasn't my ex girlfriend. But now, we rarely have sex. She has a three year old son from her previous marriage, and I know that has a lot to do with it, but we do have time to ourselves every now and then. At one point in the relationship, she told me she didn't like when sex was expected... that it put pressure on her, and then she wasn't able to enjoy it, and that she was afraid she wouldn't please me. And she said that because her ex husband expected it all the time, and she didn't like that. I explained to her that, its OK that we don't have sex all that much. That yes, I am a guy, and I do enjoy having sex with her a lot, but that our relationship was much deeper than that. That I don't need to have sex with her to enjoy her, and the truth is I don't. Then she said she was going to tell me her whole deal on her issues with sex.

When I asked her about it later on, she said she didn't want to talk about it, so I just said OK. But recently, I was trying to get her son ready for bed, and she snapped at me saying "Is there a reason why u want him in bed? Is there something u want from me? Is there something i need to give you but can only give you without him around?" And I just sat there totally confused. And I said "what are u talking about?" and she said "I know, all u want is sex. All guys ever want is sex. They get it, but are never satisfied and always just want more." So I asked what she was talking about, that that's not at all why I wanted him to sleep, I wanted him to sleep because it was late and then I got up and walked out because she was obviously upset with me. The she came out and yelled at me, and I said "what do you want from me?" And I said nothing, that if sex was all I cared about, I would have left her already because I don't get any. Then she walked away, and yelled, then leave. Anyway, we made up that night, and she said she was sorry, and that it was her issue, and I said it was OK.

However, tonight, we were talking on the phone and I said I've been thinking about getting intimate with you, and she didn't say anything. And I said, you know, we don't have to have sex, we could do other things, and all she said was OK, and changed the subject. My question is, I obviously know she has some deep rooted issue with sex, but how do I ask her about it. I want to know, first of all, were getting married, and I want to know, and second because if there's something bothering her, I want to fix it. But how do I bring it up. The issue of sex is clearly bothering her, and I want to bring it up in a way where I don't come across as being mad that we don't have sex all that often anymore. And the truth is, I'm not upset, she is way more to me than just a regular relationship where sex is the most important thing. But I would like to know what's going on, so we can work through it. I mean after all, while sex isn't the most important thing to me, I find my fiancé to be the most beautiful, sexiest woman on the planet, and I would like to enjoy her in that way every now and again. Any suggestions on how I can ask her about it? How I can finally get her to open up to me about it? Any advice is greatly appreciated.

Initially I was going to start saying how she has told you about the past and said it's all in the past so you have to let it go.

But - then I read your other post. https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/adult-sexuality/question-about-me-fiances-sex-life-major-advice-484102.html

This confused me somewhat, she says you are so much better in bed etc but she doesn't want to have sex with you very often.

Also why does she have to share a room with him this fall? I can understand that she still has to work with him and that they may have to go away to work on a project together but I don't understand the room sharing. It would seem unusual to me that a Company would expect employees of different sexes to share. You mention grad school assignments, are they in fact co-students rather than co-workers. Sorry if I'm being thick but I'm just not quite getting the picture on this.

It sounds like you fiancé is confused herself on the sex thing, and has baggage from her failed marriage. I think someone on the other thread suggested counselling. Doesn't sound like a bad idea to me.

Normally when people say that they cannot get over their partner's past I would say that they have to find a way to do just that. However if the relationship isn't right in the present that does need dealing with and I can see why you are uneasy. Can you tell us more about how things are between you?

I agree.

She NEEDS to see a counselor. You can't "fix" her, and it's going to be a VERY long road to get her to accept that you're not just out for sex.

Probably a good idea if she sees a counselor on her own, and then the two of you see one together.

Don't even THINK about marriage until she's been through counseling and it has been successful.

She has issues, but give her a chance to resolve them first. If she can't, then reconsider the relationship.

Wow. For a moment I thought I was reading a post of my own life. Minus the kid and ex husband. My fiancé has had these deep rooted sex issues. Also ranting and raving about sex when my intention was not even about sex.

What worked for me, was timing. I waited until she was in a good mood. A light mood. Then out of the blue I said, we need to talk. She looked at me, and I said we need to figure out why sex is such a big deal for you, and why you get so upset about sex. Everything revolves around sex and then you want to point to me saying I'm the one who is making it about sex when in fact it is you is making the scene over it.

That being said we argued... mostly she did. I got up, told her listen... this is going to kill our relationship. When you want to talk about it we can... but until then I will be minding my own business and I don't want sex from you.

Truth be told, we had the same argument about 5 times before she eventually started making an effort to get over the issue. Well that, and the fact that she might have gotten over it because she actually shared her bottled up emotions with someone other than herself.

If this approuch cannot work for you two, then counceling would be your only other option. But this cannot go on being ignored as it will eventually destroy you both.

Unless I'm missing something, I read nothing about the OP saying anything about his girlfriend having been "in an abusive emotionally and physically violent relationship" with her ex husband.

There could have been a million reasons she divorced her husband.

To DJN, you mentioned the word 'sex', 16 times in your post. It is a big issue with you, obviously. I wonder if the frustration of not having sex, is affecting other areas of your relationship.

Do you argue only about sex, or are there other issues involved, that, by the end of the day, don't leave her wanting intimacy with you. Many, many reasons could be causing this. She is most likely overwhelmed in more than one department if the sex has gone out the window.

What is your relationship like. You have only been together a year and a half, and are planning to get married. She has a small son, and I'm wondering if the biological dad is in the picture, and if he is, are there problems with your girlfriend and him.

How long after she divorced her husband, if she has, did you two get together.

While I realize that sex is important, withholding it for no apparent reason, seems unlikely. There are issues that are not being addressed, in addition to, the lack of sex.

What can you offer as to the nature of the relationship, the circumstances surrounding her divorcing her husband, other things in her life that could be contributing to the lack of intimacy.

Sex is only one part of all of this, and a lack of it, in my opinion, doesn't necessarily mean the relationship is doomed, it is merely a symptom of something else going on with her.

I have to agree with the counseling. The way she is reacting does sound like she was or felt abused.

You tell her what you just wrote here.
It's kind of tacky of her anyway to talk about him to you given their history.
Does she know this bothers you. Have you talked about it before?
Had they dated before?

Djn, your story seems to have a lot background that is all over the place:

It's currently a long distance relationship with you seeing her on weekends:
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/job-hunting/changing-jobs-relocating-different-state-advice-interview-process-483889.html

You are concerned about her past not only with her ex-husband but a co-worker:
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/emotional-wellbeing/fiance-co-worker-used-hook-up-major-advice-483890.html

Duplicated in Marriage:
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/marriage/fiance-co-worker-used-hook-up-major-advice-483920.html

Asked again in Dating:
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/dating/fiance-co-worker-used-have-relations-advice-484083.html

This makes me wonder if she isn't feeling guilty about having a past with her co-worker and that there might not be some pressure that you are exerting that maybe you aren't aware of.

Posting all over the place only causes confusion for those of us trying to give you advice so, please, keep all posts regarding a particular subject in one place.

Please keep your questions on the board. It helps others who may read the thread later. Also, it lets us know what has been suggested and what has worked and didn't work so we can try to give new ideas instead of the same ones over and over again.

All I'm saying is there are not enough facts to back up a conclusion of any domestic violence.

We know nothing of this woman, her past, or whether she was abused.

To me, it is a stretch to jump to such a conclusion with third hand information.

Just my opinion. Let's see if the OP comes back with a bit more information before we blame her ex for her being a victim of an 'emotionally and physically violent relationship' with her ex husband as you have concluded.

I think you can click the name and send a message from their profile. Don't get me lying though. Just try that.

You have to be a member for a certain amount of time before you can use the PM feature. I am not certain how long that it is.

My fiancé was, in fact raped in college by a bunch of guys, not by her ex husband. Her ex husband cheated on her repeatedly in a 10 year relationship, and it was as if she was the "good enough while shes around" woman. She refused to have sex with him because of his constant cheating.

Cat: Im sorry for posting all over the place. I just want different people to read my questions, and I want a variety of answers.


Her ex husband abused her emotionally, not physically. She felt abandoned in her relationship with him. But now with me, it's the total opposite. I treat her like a queen, and love her unconditionally. She's told me she's just not used to it, and that it'll take time before she fully accepts I'm not like him.


But then the issue about her co-worker is this. Its my issue. Its my jealousy. Even though I've told myelf and accepted, it was in her past. Everyone has a past, even me. But for whatever reason, I think of them being intimate. I sometimes picture them two doing it when I look at her sleeping in bed. Its eating me alive. I hate when she mentions his name, or tells me anything about him. She is going to get a new job in the future, and maybe then ill finally get over it, knowing he's not in the picture. But for whatever reason, it bothers me to no end and I think about it constantly. Why do I do that? What can I do to help myself not think about it? To finally start letting it go?


In terms of the sex, I've decided to let things unfold naturally. If it starts to really become a problem, then ill ask her about it, but until then, ill wait. And she may even come to me about it.

NO NO NO NO NO!

The whole POINT of these boards is that the advice and questions are given PUBLICLY.

I absolutely cannot condone moving to PM or email about this.

Then all of a sudden the thread keeps going, and only ONE person has all the facts to answer the question.

Off-site contact is STRONGLY discouraged, and if you are giving advice on a question, it is STRONGLY urged that you do so in the thread.

Jake 2008 I apologise it would seem our OP is nothing but a liar, and a fantasiser, Ive just read all of his other lying questions that he's posted on this site.

Thank You Cat1864 for alerting me to this sick persons antics.

My Apologies if I have offended anyone.

My fiance was, in fact raped in college by a bunch of guys, not by her ex husband. Her ex husband cheated on her repeatedly in a 10 year relationship, and it was as if she was the "good enough while shes around" woman. She refused to have sex with him because of his constant cheating.

Cat: Im sorry for posting all over the place. I just want different people to read my questions, and i want a variety of answers.

You will be surprised at the variety of anwers you will get in one place when we each know what has been said

This post is a good example of why giving us accurate background information in one place can affect answers that are given.

Did she get counseling after the rape? Has she gotten help dealing with the issues of him cheating on her?

Yes, she does see a therapist. But she really doesn't tell me what goes on in those meetings. Since we've been together, I know of only twice that she's gone to see him. The issue of her rape is something that is not brought up in our relationship. It happened about 12 years ago. But the constant cheating she has sought help about.

Everyone, I'm sorry about posting all over the place.


The lack of sex issue is something I can deal with. I only asked about it because I wanted to know how others would bring it up, if I did decide to bring it up to her. My biggest issue is the co-worker issue.

djn002 Ive just read your other posts and they each tell a different version of a similar story, you came here posted you had no idea why your g/f was off sex and strung some line about the ex, then in another post there having sex at work . Walter Mitty. Leave it alone you're just digging a deeper hole, oh and yes you want to work with children. And move to PA to be with your g/f

Jake 2008 I apologise it would seem our OP is nothing but a liar, and a fantasiser, Ive just read all of his other lying questions that hes posted on this site.

Thank You Cat1864 for alerting me to this sick persons antics.

My Apologies if I have offended anyone.

I got the impression that the OP has several problems going on and has not quite got to grips with how the forum best works, and may be feeling a bit desperate, but I don't see anything that suggests dishonesty. Please enlighten me if I'm being thick or missed something.

To the OP, it does seem that there's quite a few problems, and what has happened in your partner's past is going to have had a devastating effect on her. I do think the counselling advice that you have already been given is good advice. Maybe you can encourage your girl to go more often and also get some yourself to help with the jealousy and to help you understand how best to deal with things as your lady seeks healing. Perhaps in the future if needs be you can go together.

QLP I checked the links in this thread leading to other posts made by the OP, in one he makes claim he's in NY wants to Move to PA, needs or wants a valid reason for saying he's relocating, wants to move to work with children, in another he's claiming she has sex with her ex at work, in this thread he makes claim to having no idea what wrong with her only that she's gone off sex. But knows she has issues, blah blah
Please read them for yourself.

Whilst I spent time typing out posts in answer to the OP, somewhere a woman a real victim of domestic violence may have been truly helped by my desire to do what I can for women affected by violent relationships, instead I was answering a total load of rubbish. That to me is disrespect. I care about those real women in violent relationships this thread in many ways made a mockery of out them.

HOW SICK IS THAT... Im out of here so long...

Ok first of all postiveparent... I do live in ny, and she does live in pa. Second, where, in any of my posts, did I say she had sex with him at work? Please show me. I only said she used to have sex with a co-worker.


That just pisses me off. If you're going to be mad at me for posting all over the place, fine. I understand that, but don't start making up. I never said she had sex with her ex at work. Maybe your the one who needs help.

QLP I checked the links in this thread leading to other posts made by the OP, in one he makes claim hes in NY wants to Move to PA, needs or wants a valid reason for saying hes relocating, wants to move to work with children, in another hes claiming she has sex with her ex at work, in this thread he makes claim to having no idea what wrong with her only that shes gone off sex. but knows she has issues, blah blah
Please read them for youself.

I already have but I think we're interpreting them differently. Always a problem with reading stuff on a computer you are never sure if your'e really getting what the poster is saying. I thought on this thread he was trying to say that he does understand that she has issues but he doesn't know how to deal with them regarding sex. Posting all over the place has certainly confused things. I don't see the other postings as being incompatible in terms of truth just not put together well to help us see the whole picture. I may well be incorrect, just how it looks to me.

For the moment I'd sooner give the benefit of the doubt and take things at face value. I'd rather waste a few minutes of my time with a troll, annoying though that can be, than treat someone with difficulties harshly. Having said that I know I tend to be naïve and always look for the best so I may well end up with egg on my face, but hey I have soap and water. :)

Please stay on topic here... and stop berating the OP. He's still worthy of your help, even if his girlfriend isn't a domestic violence victim.

I do want to say, though: No chat speak. That's one thing that will get your thread/posts deleted faster than a wink on the Adult Sexuality boards.

If you are asking for adult advice, you can type the full word out in a professional and adult manner.

I truly think that you need counseling as well. Your jealousy is as much an issue as her lack of sexual desire.

And the post about me finding a job in PA, while I'm in NY has nothing to do with these other posts. That's a totally different part of my relationship. Hence being posted in the job-hunting section.

I will repeat again for those people who do not seem to understand that I am referring to them:

THIS IS NOT A WITCH HUNT.

Stay on topic, and stay civil, or I WILL delete your posts.

Djn, as you work on moving closer (or moving in) is her behavior changing?

Yes, the jealousy is your issue. However, the co-worker is part of her past. How she feels about herself and her actions during that time are a part of her and is another piece in the puzzle. You may be giving her hints that you don't approve of what she did with her co-worker and your insecurities may be feeding into her own.

I really do wish the two of you all the best, but I am concerned that both of you are ignoring issues which will continue to grow. Oak trees begin as acorns. Both of you need to learn to communicate with each other and work together before you need a chainsaw to cut through the problems.

She needs to be encouraged to see her therapist. If she doesn't like this one or feels like he/she isn't listening to her, then she needs to try a different one. It is okay to shop for counselors.

Good luck to both of you.

You need to either forget or leave. Don't keep bringing it up. Get Counseling

All the threads have been merged into one, and I advise reading them all carefully before replying.

Jealousy can destroy a relationship faster than anything.
Have some confidence in each other and try to work through the insecurities you have.

I think you should stop thinking about her previous encounters if you intend on staying with her. If you love her and she loves you then I would say seek counseling to help both of you.

You both need some extensive guidance through your many unresolved issues, but a good start would be to start being true to your words, and match your actions to them.

That in my mind means dropping trying to initiate sex period, and working on the other areas of this relationship. Instead of promising intimacy, show it instead with very small gesture so she is not overwhelmed or think that it's a lead in to something more.

Don't ask her to open up, or try to fix something, wait until she is ready, willing and able to bring it to you, and if she does keep your mouth shut with what you think are great ideas to solve her problems. Her knowing you are listening and paying attention is enough, and small gestures of love and support are what's needed, NOT declarations of your own feelings as that's not what its about.

It's a process, learning the correct way to relate to each other, and I think the problem has been the point of view you relate to her, and that's pretty lousy since its from the lens of your own feelings, wants, and needs. It's a lot more complex and I doubt you really have the right tools, or skills to HELP her deal with her issues.

Sure some of her words and actions, and thinking may be hard, if not impossible to understand for you but that's why you back off, and see that pushing for info, or something to get her feelings out is the wrong approach.

I hope you both get the help you need, and you stop pushing for what YOU need and want, and lets be clear, its not just about how you push for sex, but more the space you give her in other areas of the relationship.

The experts have given you the right advice. Please take it and read back over your post.. it will help you. Good Luck

Thread was merged and edited since there are so many of the same ones posted


I also did a huge no-no and looked through her aim conversations. One of her friends that recently just lost her v-card, said the guy she did it with was huge... and of course my finacee said "large and in charge huh? I know of a boy whos large and in charge..." and her friend said "Like your co-worker, yeah, but no, it wasnt him...". I feel like crap knowing she still thinks about him. Thinks about his size... and when we met, she told me we were the same size, which if that were true, the example of the large and in charge would have been me... not him. I know my feelings are so irrational because it was the past, and before I was ever in the picture... but how am I supposed to feel, or act when I know all of this stuff about the two of them, and that she goes to work with him everyday. You know? I can't think of anything else... I feel like I'm going to have a breakdown. What do I do? Its consuming me... it eats at me, and I feel like its going to ruin my relationship... please, someone tell me something good.

I really need a boost... I won't ever admit it to her, but I am very insecure... and jealousy is something I never express, I always try to keep it in, because I know jealousy can ruin relationships. And, I've told her how I've felt, and even though she understands, she does think I'm being immature for thinking about it as much as I do... which I agree with, but I'm human, and I can't fight these feelings. If I could turn off my feelings, I would, but I cant. Do u think I need to ask my finacee straight up... what was the sex like with him? Do u think I need some closure? Because I can't fight these feelings anymore... they are taking over. Help... someone please help.

You are engaged to this person and presumably you can talk to each other - I would tell her exactly what you have told us. If you are insecure, if you are jealous, if this is more than you can handle yourself you need to tell her.

I have no idea why you want to know what the sex was like with him. Does it matter if it was better, worse or the same than sex with you? I've had terrific, mind blowing sex with people I didn't love. I don't see the connection and it's not a competition.

As far as his size - I have no idea why men ask that question ("Who's bigger, me or him?"). I don't have a single female friend who cares about size.
'
As far as snooping - well, you've learned that if you snoop you'd better be ready to handle whatever you find.

Perhaps you need to talk to a therapist about self esteem issues.

Unless your fiancé somehow rubs her past in your face, isn't kind and caring, isn't sexually attracted to you I think you are blowing her past way out of line - and you're the one presumably who asked her about it.

As far as working with the other guy - I was engaged to someone I now occasionally work with. I didn't marry him. I married my husband. That was then. Now is now.

I think you need to talk to someone.

Now I'm going to be blunt - you have posted this same problem before, more than once. https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/fiance-co-worker-used-hook-up-major-advice-483890.html

You need to take the advice you've been given and DO SOMETHING.

Since you are still having the same problem that you had before, and chose not to get some help, then you have to remove yourself from this very unhealthy situation which you can't seem to handle, and put some time, and distance between you, so you can have other things in your life to focus on besides what she did before she met you.

You obviously don't have the skills to handle this situation, so get out of it until you do. And no need to keep making new posts about the same thing because they will be deleted.

I read your post and the thing that leaped out at me was that your fiancé will be sharing a room with her f- buddy. Cut this one loose, you are headed for nothing but heartache.