I have been dating this girl for about 2 1/2 months. We had a very strong attraction to each other and spent every weekend together. When we first met, her ex boyfriend (14 years older than her), was trying to get her back. I asked her if she was over him, and she told me she was. So, we dated, and eventually fell in love with each other. I know, 2 1/2 months is a short time, but we felt it very strongly. Everything was great until 2 weeks ago. One day she left my house and the next, she didn't want to see me. Then two days later, her ex showed up at her work and told her he wanted her back. So, that night, she told me she still had feelings for her ex and that she needed space to think. She had told me before that she had known her ex for many years, but that they had broken up many times. She thought she was over him, but I guess not. So, after seeing her ex at her home, the next day, she told me she was very confused and upset, that she felt she should breakup with me. She says she still loves me, but that she can't watch me hang on until she figures out if what she wants. She told me that she would always love her ex and she thought she would spend the rest of her life with him. But he is controlling and she left him many times. She had pushed me completely out of her life, but still says she doesn't know if she is going back with him or not. She says she has been in as much or more pain as me, but that she had to let me go. I am so confused about this. I love her so much and I think she may be the one for me. We still text and talk, but she says we should stop. I want her back. What should I do? I am trying to move on, but it's so hard. Do I give her time or just forget her?

Stay away.

She now has to work for you. Not vice versa...

Get out of there. If she chases you down later she better have a good excuse... saddle up and ride cowboy!

Forget her!

She obviously isn't over her ex at all!
Sorry to say this but you were just a rebound for her.

This sucks because you really did fall for her. This same thing happened to me in my previous relationship, the guy wasn't totally over his ex and dumped me after 2 months to go back to her.

You need to go NC with her and move on. Even if she doesn't want to be with her ex anymore, she's going to need some time to truly get over him and find her own way again.

I wouldn't waste my time waiting for someone, that is just a chance.
There are plenty of other women out there.

I'd say stay away too, but not for the same reasons.

I've been where she is and when she says it hurts, she is probably telling the truth, because it does. You can read other stories here; exes always come back at some point (for different reasons) when you feel more confident, when you're ready to get over them, be with someone else, accept the end of the relationship and wow, some of them look/sound even better than when we dated them, they leave us confused.

They have something you two don't, a past. This is the confusing part. The best card an ex can play is the "past" card (my ex got me 3 times just by saying "do you remember when...") and even though I don't know her, I think I would do the same to anyone I respect, I would break up if I feel a tiny bit of confusion, because no one deserves that - and because it means the healing process isn't over yet. You shouldn't be around someone who is still confused around their ex anyway.

So stay away. If you really like this girl and want to be with her, give her the time and space she needs, do your own thing for a bit. If she decides to come back and you still want her back, she will have to prove you that she is over him so you can trust her again. If she doesn't, you will already be healing by focusing on your life. Conclusion : you will be fine either way.

If you ask my opinion, it all looks like she took a shortcut in her healing process to me. I don't know how long she's been single before she started dating you, but I think she needs much more time if she wants to get over her ex really.

Plus,


One day she left my house and the next, she didn't want to see me. Then two days later, her ex showed up at her work and told her he wanted her back.

Do you think it's a coincidence? I don't.

QUOTE by pandead;
I don't know how long she's been single before she started dating you, but I think she needs much more time if she wants to get over her ex really.

Update:
She told me it had been about a year since she was with her ex. She also told me yesterday, that she can't think of me with other women, but she knows I am lonely. Confusing.

Of course its confusing, but the confusion is hers, and your making it yours.

Its really simple, she has made a decision, you got dumped, so disappear from her life, and leave her alone.

Talaniman Rule- Stay away from any one that has an ex involved in their lives.

Talaniman Rule - Never ever get to close to a person that has a committed partner in their lives.

Talaniman Rule-When they ask for a break, give it to them and do your own thing.

Talaniman Rule- If one female isn't available, there are millions that are. Don't get stuck on one who is BUSY with other things.

Talaniman Rule- Never get so wrapped up with wanting something, when you know you can't have it.

She may of liked you a lot, but obviously not enough to stay with you!

If it's any consolation I doubt it will work out with him...
... she is going to have to hit restart. But don't be there waiting.

I have been there. I once had a GF that left her BF for me. Later she left me for him. And I swear she would have left him for me, had I not said STOP the madness...

it's any consolation i doubt it will work out with him.....
...she is gonna have to hit restart. but don't be there waiting.



I have told her the same thing, that it will not work with him. He has promised her he has changed and fixed what is wrong, but as my mom has always said, "A leopard can't change his spots", and his true personality will show through eventually. But, the way I feel now, it is VERY hard not to be there waiting. I try and try to not contact her, and I always do. And she always responds, usually by text. I know I need to stop and heal, but I can't stop myself. How can you do NC and not drive yourself crazy?

Read the stickies (https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/)at the beginning of this forum

Do you want to marry her and never date anyone else ever?

Do you think that maybe though it hurts that she needs to have your back more if you are going to love her with all your heart?

Don't let your ego mess you up. She is not committed... You deserve more.

Update:
Last night I went on a date with a new girl, I will call Sara. I have talked to her before, and she called and asked me to go to a swimming party with her and her friends. So, I said yes. We swam together and eventually started holding each other. I was distant at first, but mellowed out later. I am not sure I feel an attraction to her. I just keep thinking, it is too soon, but I also want the contact of others. I really don't have any friends and my family are far away. So, I am basically alone. Anyway, I drove her back to her car and kissed her goodnite and it was good. But on my way back home, I broke into tears and felt terrible.
What I have left out is that I know that yesterday, my ex went to see her ex, or he came to see her. I know they were together yesterday afternoon and maybe today. She told me that she has no plans on sleeping with him, but I couldn't help but wonder what is going on between them. What is so bad, is that it makes me upset that he is with her, and I am not. I should be there. But, I know, you will say I am in denial.

Just stay away buddy... at least 90 days of NOT knowing what she is doing. She is not the girl for you but log the days until that makes sense.
Sorry, I know it suxxxxxxxx

Today has been pretty good, but those thoughts come through when I least expect it. I want to ask her so many questions, that I probably already know the answer too, but feel I need to ask anyway. Crazy. It's hard to understand why someone that said she loved me could cause all this pain in me. Seems like I am hurting while she is having fun and only feeling guilty. But, I have read a lot of posts on this site, and they have helped. I took a big step and deleted her numbers from my phone. Felt like I was losing her again. It was hard to do. But I know I have to start NC now. She will have to want me back for it to ever work again. Why does it seem it is so easy for a woman to break contact with her boyfriend, while guys fall all over themselves to make contact?

Stay awayyy...

Your future is elsewhere.

Your pain makes you see things that way my friend. Soon you will see things with clarity, and understanding when your emotional dust has settled.

Then what she is doing will no longer be important, and you can enjoy doing your own thing, and not worry about what she is doing. Matter of time, so go NC, and be patient.

Today is bad. I am missing her so much. I'm glad I deleted her number cause I am sure I would contact her. My willpower is so low. I received a text last night, out of the blue, from her wishing me "Good night. Hope your Monday is a great one." I was totally blown away by it and keep wondering what it meant. Was she just being nice, or was she starting to miss me more? I am not letting this get my hopes up. I will still do NC. But I keep thinking that maybe I should call and just talk to her about how she is feeling now with no asking her back and just being casual and non-threating. I know, that this is wrong, but I can't help thinking it will help me get over her better if I know she is getting over me and not even thinking of getting back together ever. I just don't know.

I just don't know
I DO know. For a fact you need to regain your clarity of thought through NC, and remember you got dumped because HER confusion is now yours.

Its hard, yes I know from experience, but making decisions based on facts, and not confused feelings is your goal.

That's what NC is all about, and what you need to be doing.

It's the HARDEST, and BEST, life lesson I ever learned to cope with MY own feelings. You also learn a lot about yourself, and how to handle yourself during times of great stress and indecision.

Time for NC. Forever.

She's playing you & using you.

Wants you as her backup plan.

Is that the kind of person you want?

She will keep doing that no matter who she's with.

Show her who's in control by NEVER speaking to her again.

And be glad to be rid of that type.

Why are some days much harder. I am sitting here now forcing myself not to call her. Reading all the posts on this site does help. But, the pull to contact her is so strong. I hope tomorrow is easier. I have to keep telling myself that she has to be the one to contact me. I don't have her now and contacting her may make it worse. But my mind also tells me that maybe calling her will remind her of me and maybe I will say something that will change her mind. I know it is fantasy, but those thoughts creep in. It's going on three weeks now since the break up and I really don't feel any better (well some better). Hopefully the pain will ease soon. The longing inside seems too much to take sometimes.

Yeah, takes time. Don't worry.

Just know that she is not the reason for your happiness or your existence. Just the opposite, actually.

Think rationally. She used you to realize she would rather be with her ex.

Not someone worth crying over. She made her bed, let her lie in it & you to learn from this.

Never get with someone that's secretly pining for someone else.

Sorry man. Time to move one & forget this one.
Not worth your precious time or feelings.

Think rationally. She used you to realize she would rather be with her ex.


I really don't think she used me, I asked her from the beginning of our relationship if she was over her ex and she honestly told me she was. I don't think she realized she was not over him until he showed up at her work. She said the feelings for him just came back. I know whatever she felt was very strong. She is still today trying to figure out if she still wants to go back to him or not. She is still not sure. I made her promise me to let me know what her final decision is-him, me or alone. She promised she would let me know. She had never lied to me before and I don't think she will. She knows I am innocent in this and that it's all her fault. I'm not trying to defend her, just stating the facts.

Well, what she told you & what she's doing are 2 different things, huh?

You shouldn't wait around or let her make you an option.

That's not a promise. That's just lame.

Be glad it wasn't 2.5 years...

She said the feelings for him just came back.
And her feelings for him were enough to get you dumped. That's also a fact you seem to ignore.



Talaniman Rule- Stay away from any one that has an ex involved in their lives.

Talaniman Rules- when you get dumped, don't go back to get dumped again

If she hasn't gotten over him yet, it may take a lot longer, if she ever does. Why wait when you could be doing your thing, and exploring better options, and opportunities. Waiting for someone to get over someone else is insane.

Hence ex-girlfriend...

I really don't think she used me, I asked her from the beginning of our relationship if she was over her ex and she honestly told me she was. I don't think she realized she was not over him until he showed up at her work. She said the feelings for him just came back. I know whatever she felt was very strong. She is still today trying to figure out if she still wants to go back to him or not. She is still not sure. I made her promise me to let me know what her final decision is-him, me or alone. She promised she would let me know. She had never lied to me before and I don't think she will. She knows I am innocent in this and that it's all her fault. I'm not trying to defend her, just stating the facts.

Whoops. You gave her the power to decide, while you said you will just wait for a verdict - like a criminal in a court room...
A woman has to see your tail lights leaving town before they act.

If she was nice and just had to take time off to work on her graduate thesis or something I'd say wait, but you were too nice... you are making it clear that she is in control and she won't feel anything if you are just standing by. Focus on getting away. It's not cold, it's practical.

She has shown me nothing to make me say hold on and wait.
Hear me now, believe me later.

Give her the tail lights, & step on it with your tires burning.

Don't bother to look in the rear view.

Her graduate thesis is the next guy.

Well, I broke the rules and contacted her this morning. I felt I had to, to get closure and to see if she had made a decision. I think waiting for a decision is harder than hearing it. And after we talked, I do feel much better and now I know I can move on and forget her. I found out that after seeing him this weekend, she is still confused. I also found out that the tie to her ex is stronger than I thought. She told me she is "obligated" to try it again with him! I couldn't believe my ears. I told her that is just wrong. I asked her what she meant and she told me she had made a promise to him years ago that if he changed something in his life, she would give him another chance. But because of me and him hurting her before, she if very hesitant. I told her she had to please herself and not go into a relationship because of a promise. I know there is more to it than that, but this news really threw me for a loop. Anyway, I know now that I have to forget her and go on with my life, but at least now, I have closure and I feel better, for now. I can sort of see the future again.

Now you can go NC.
Let her fulfill her "obligation".
Don't wait for her to come running back.
She lied from the get go.

I don't normally quote myself but just a reminder from previous post:
"She has shown me nothing to make me say hold on and wait.
Hear me now, believe me later."

Ok, buddy, as time to go NC... and "saddle up and ride"

You will be OK. Glad you are focused now.

I feel sorry for you I know exactly how you feel my girlfriend of 9months has just done the same to me and I feel completely lost I love her so much, more than I've ever loved anyone. Her ex was a waster to her for 10years emotionally torturing her saying really horrible things to her everyday until she hit rock bottom and moved out and got her own place and now he's claiming to be a changed man because he can't cope and he's jealous of seeing her happy with me. My girlfriend has said she's madly in love with me and very happy with me but says she's confused aswel I think you should just sit tight and give her time and pray your girlfriend comes back that's what I'm doing.