I love my girlfriend, and I'm really worried about her. To give a little background, we started dating a year or so ago, right on the heels of an intense car accident that she had, and was just getting out of the hospital. One of the things that came from this was that she was diagnosed with a Catastrophic Brain Injury, and was really a miracle that she survived.

She's turning 25 this year in September, and I turned 22 in May of this year. Over the year we've had our usual ups and downs that are expected in any relationship. However, for the sake of her health, I've worked around her schedule of therapy as much as I can to help her get through this. It's made worse because she's had to move home with her parents, who're strict as can be, and crack down on anything they don't like the sounds of.

Now here's the problem. Before the accident, she was a chronic smoker, pot smoker, and drinker. When we first met (Before the accident), I wouldn't likely have dated her, given her dependence on substance. However, after the accident, the doctors said that she would have to wait 2 years before she could drink again, and would never be able to smoke pot again due to the possibility of stroke. This played heavily in my decision to get together with her, because she's genuinely an awesome person, but I didn't want to be with someone so heavily dependent on substance because I knew it would end up hurting her. This provided the perfect opportunity for a clean start.

Fast forward 8 months exactly, to two months ago. In his brilliance, the doctor has gone back on what he said and given her permission to drink occasionally (2-3 beers a week, to take it slow), and that he 'didn't see how it would harm her recovery' if she smoked pot once a week. (She has, already, given up cigarettes completely though, for which I'm grateful.) Also, over the past year, she's gone from 125 lbs, to somewhere around 155-160. She used to look amazing, and now she looks pretty chunky (At 5'1!), and I'm worried about such rapid weight gain.

Needless to say, I've fought with her over the pot. Begged, pleaded, and tried to convince her. She also is at an increased (48-50% or so) risk of breast cancer due to a defective gene, so smoking pot now raises that risk to around 70% within the next 5 years. I haven't even made a dent in the armor, because she claims I'm being 'controlling', and that this is her 'getting back to normal'. I've tried to explain that this is NOT normal, as before she wasn't at increased risk of stroke, cancer, and still recovering from this brain injury. No luck. On top of that, her friends (Who were supplying her with the pot, and have now come to me telling me they intend to stop supplying it for her sake.), have told me that whenever she gets together with them, which is becoming a lot more than her seeing me, she polishes off an entire 6 pack of beer to herself, and that's not counting the 3 or 4 beers she's having during the week. This is definitely more than what the doctor ordered.

So here's what I want:

1. For her to cut back on drinking to what the doctor has said is acceptable
2. Give up pot for the sake of her health
3. Lose the 30 or so lbs that she's packed on over the past year and get back to a healthier weight.

I can't get her to listen. So I forsee three ways to get through to her.

1. Tell her friends to voice their concerns to her, because right now they're not going to say anything, just stop enabling her to misbehave during her visits. She'll listen to them though, as I'm only the boyfriend, and they're friends of 10 years.
2. Tell her parents. This is, in my opinion both the best and worst option. It's the best because her parents will nail her to the wall, and stop her from being able to get access to the pot, booze, and probably regulate what she's eating a bit better (Though they let her get this heavy, so I'm really hoping on that one). Worst, however, because I know that'd infuriate her, and is really like treating her like a child. However, I'm running out of options.
3. Issue an ultimatum. I personally hate this option, but it might just define whether this relationship is really worth it. Because if she won't make those positive changes for me, after I've bent over backwards during this recovery time for her, I should stop wasting my time. So if I go with this option I'll pick a day when she's sober, then say look, I need these 3 things from you, or I'm gone at the end of July. I'm sick to death of fighting you on this.

So what I'm looking for, is primarily a female opinion on how you'd feel if your boyfriend wanted you to take better care of yourself, and whether you'd dump is . Second, a general opinion on which of the 3 options I've got listed is the best for my situation, given the information provided (I can provide more on request). Third, what I DON'T want to hear is the typical response of 'dump her, she's not worth your time', or 'she's cheating on you to get the pot, sorry bud', or any number of that kind of response. I'm looking to save a relationship with an amazing, but misguided, woman, and that kind of answer isn't going to help!

Thanks in advance for all the advice!

Acting out of concern and love is great, but trying to force someone to change is not a sign of concern and love but of control, and manipulations to get what you want under a cloak of what's in HER best interest.

Its not the changes you want, so much as it is the methods and motives that are so troubling. You seem intent on forcing change, and taking the decision out of her hands which honestly will not work.

If you cannot accept her as she is, and be happy, and supportive in a loving way, you should leave, and save her the hassle of bending to your will. She has a perfect right to make her own choices whether you like them or not, and if asking doesn't get what you want, then back the freak off buddy as all your other options are really intrusive and despicable.

I think most of the females here would agree, that remaking someone in your own image of how they should be, is not the way to a females heart.

Real men don't have to do what your thinking about because they lead by example and you follow if you want. But they never MAKE anyone do anything.

This is the knee jerk response I hoped to avoid. As I said earlier, her doctors did NOT give her permission to go as overboard as she has, and you've automatically assumed that I'm trying to change her to what I think is acceptable.

So much for subtle, since you seem to not understand, but scrap all those options, and speak to her doctor in front of her, when you go with her on your visits. If you don't go with her and are not there then it ceases to be your business.

if asking doesn't get what you want, then back the freak off buddy

What was the part you don't understand or have a real question about??

I think taliniman is a git to be polite, I'm assuming you're a man by your name, but you are responding like a feminist not seeing reality. Chaos engine you are right to be concerned, I do however regretably agree with taliniman in that you should perhaps back off if she is not listening to your concerns. I've been in your position in a way and I feel you should leave her in spite of the fact that you love her, for your own wellbeing. You have to ask yourself does she really care for you if she wishes to put you through such fear and agony? All the best mate, I really feel for you mate. People like talinman would see things completely different if a woman was concerned for the same reasons about her boyfriend, he/she's just displaying an acceptable form of sexism because it is towards a man.