My husband will be 50 years old next year. One of his life-long dreams is to ride his bicyle across the United States. This will take about 2-3 months to do and cost $2500 or more. He's checked out books in the past on this subject and most likely has researched the internet. We've already discussed this (sore) subject a few times in the past so he's keeping his planning to himself, until today.

Today he told me he's going to start looking for a used touring bike. He thinks he could get one for less than $500 and he told me he's starting to work on his plan to ride his bike across the US.

Problems: We own a business and both work in it. We have a total of 6 employees - counting both of us. It's a retail store so we must have 3 people working at all times. He thinks he can just take off work for 2-3 months with no problem. I can't hire another person to fill his shoes because that would just be an added expense that we cannot afford. Also, some of the work he does for the business produces a nice amount of revenue and his position is not easily replaceable for a 2-3 month period. We would lose revenue if he took off.

We also don't have a lot of money. The business has not prospered as I would have liked (that's another story). Bottom line is, we aren't saving for retirement and we basically live paycheck to paycheck. I have a part-time job that provides a little extra money but it goes towards living expenses - not savings.

Even though we've been married 26 years, it's been a challenge. We got married too young (right out of college). I discovered within 3 months of marriage that he could not manage money nor did he have any career goals. I also discovered that he accepts no responsibility for his actions. He never pays the consequences. He relies on me to handle problems or solve issues that have come up. He also has an uncanning ability to turn situations around (with his words) so that he is not at fault - either I am or the other person. Drives me nuts. No matter what I do to avoid solving his problems, it always falls on my shoulders to solve them. I know I am enabling him but he puts me into no-win situations.

However, he DOES have cycling goals. He got into bike racing when we were first married for about 4 years. He was on his bike 'training' all the time (one month his training log showed he rode 800 miles!) and he had to make a decision to continue racing or keep his marriage. He quite competitive racing.

Now, he wants to ride his bike across the US and he thinks he can just take off work and do it. I've told him that he can't really take a couple months off work - we need him. I asked him today how he will pay for the bike. He didn't know. I'm not about to liquidate our measly savings or borrow against our home equity line of credit to fund his ride. I wanted to retire at 50 and that didn't happen - but hey, that's reality. It was poor planning on my part, but you know what, it's my fault and that's that.

Why does he think he can just do this? I've suggested that after we sell the business, we can both take a sabatical and do our own thing. He can ride across the US and I can rent a house on the ocean for a couple months. Unfortunately, we don't have the business up for sale right now and it would take at least a couple years anyway. He said he doesn't want to wait because he'll be too old.

I want to put my foot down and tell him "No, sorry, you can't do it. Timing is bad. We have no money. The business needs you." I also KNOW he'll turn whatever I say around to make me the bad guy. It will be MY fault. (He would have been a GREAT lawyer.)

How do I handle this? Do I tell him no? Do I tell him to go and fulfill his dreams and tell myself "it's okay" for him to do it and know I will have a couple months of solitude and peace on my own? Is there a compromise somewhere in here? Help!

Sorry to hear, not fair to you. I would Like to do Everest, The Applachian or Pacific Coast Trail, Money, Work and Time does not allow.
If he is in a Hurry and Selling Business will allow his ride,
It would be nice if he focused not only on Training, but Selling the Business, Then Ride on,
If you get enough for your business and can maintain my bills, I may ride with him.
Good Luck, Hopefully all works out.

50, and this is a life long dream, so change in management and other things most likely could be done. If he has a plan to make it work, it may be better than divorce court and selling the business to watch him ride off

I decided at one point when I almost died, that following some dreams that did not harm others was more important at time.

Take up his dream, help him ( he should have a better bike than a 500 dollar one personally) see if he will do it in so many week trips, ride point a to b and then fly back for a few months and so on,

What if:

- he halved his trip, thus cutting expenses in half
- he comes up with a plan to show that he can afford to go
- he can show you on paper, how his trip will not cost you unnecessary financial stress, and that you can make the payroll
- as a compromise, you agree to put so much money aside, for a decent bike. I ride myself, and a $500 used bike likely won't cut it for such a trip. Save until the store is sold, a good bike will be his retirement gift, and the proceeds from the sale will cover the costs of travel
- show him a detailed accounting of the finances, month to month. Add it all up for three months, minus the loss with him gone, plus the added burden of your (unpaid) hours.

It's not that he can't go, he just has to plan for it, be reasonable about when he will be able to go, and work hard to get there so he can afford the trip.

When I went through the change, and had to have my sports car, it took months of planning and arranging our schedule to to take off, and put some miles on it. I go along with Jake on this one, help him plan the thing, and get the finances down. Then he can go, and you get to run things, and have time to get all your employees (and yourself) plenty of time to see how you cover his absence. A challenge for sure.

Hey, it might be a great time to turn things to your advantage, since it will be your fault any way.

How do I handle this? Do I tell him no? Hello k:

You tell him YES!

He's your hubby. I ain't interested in your complaints about him, either. If it was so bad, you should have left - but you didn't. Maybe, just MAYBE, if you support him in HIS dreams, your dreams will come true too.

excon

And to chime back in, this is not really that silly of a dream, it is more common. He is not wanting to sell the business and move to south american and grow sheep or something.

The only really failed dream is one you don't dream or try to make happen if at all possible.

And to chime back in, this is not really that silly of a dream, it is more common. This is correct. As a road cyclist myself I know there are quite a few website dedicated to just this effort, examples: bike across america tours - Google Search (http://www.google.com/search?q=bike+across+america+tours&ie=utf-8&oe=utf-8&aq=t&rls=org.mozilla:en-US:official&client=firefox-a)

Many people who even attempt to bike across any continent choose a charity or cause and get sponsors. Would he be willing to do something like that? What if your business was one of his sponsors and partners?

With what you have said, I think he has tunnel vision (I think you might too on some parts of it) of what he wants the outcome to be. Does he currently have a bike? Has he been training for this ride? When was the last time he had a full physical?

Surprise him by planning with him. Talk to your employees. See how much they step up to cover his part while he trains. His presence may be what is holding some of them back from realizing their true potential as valuable assets to the company. Whether he makes this trip or not, the business should have contingency plans in case he can't be there for whatever reason.

Steve Garufi's planning took over four years.
My Planning Stages Of My 2008 Bike Ride Across America (by Steve Garufi) (http://bikeacrossamerica.org/trip-report/articles/planning-stage.htm)

Surprise him by planning with him. Talk to your employees. See how much they step up to cover his part while he trains. Hello Cats:

In fact, using the ride to promote the business is an EXCELLENT PR strategy. It's cheap. It'll probably get newspaper and TV coverage, it'll INCREASE business, it'll put some badly needed cash in a charity's coffers, and it'll make the trip tax deductible.

It's a great idea, Cats.

excon

I noticed Steve rode a Giant,
Jake, You say $500 is not enough for a used bike, How much are you thinking?
I went to Ebay and Searched bikes in the 400-500 Dollar Price Range, and found some Excellent bikes, If someone can't make in on a used $500.00 Bicycle, it may not be the Bike.

The problem with buying a bike on eBay is that you can't be assured that the fit is perfect for your body frame or riding style. If I'm spending that much time on a bike for that many successive days/months I want the fit to be right on. I would not go cheap for a bike to ride across the country.

I have an old Touring bike for sale ;)

Seriously, you need to stop fighting him and join in the planning. Just stipulate from the start, that you are willing to try and make it work, but that his plans need to take into account the needs of the business and your finances. If he can make it work within that framework, then you are all for it.

Although most here say let him go, these times are tough and money is still needed to pay the bills, would be tough for him to go on his journey and lose your house and business.
If he goes on this trip and you keep from losing your business and your home, YOU should get an Award. Good Luck.

Although most here say let him go,
I don't think anyone is saying just let him go. Least of all me. But I don't think he should be turned down without at least trying to see if it can work.

Although most here say let him go, these times are tough and money is still needed to pay the bills, would be tough for him to go on his journey and lose your house and business.
If he goes on this trip and you keep from losing your business and your home, YOU should get an Award. Good Luck.

I am wondering if this is the first thing in their marriage that he might actually participate in working with her on. Something that he will take responsibility for.

I get the impression that even the business is more 'hers' than 'theirs'.

It seems to me, she has been more 'mother' than 'wife' in this relationship. She can continue to be 'mother' laying down the rules and doing most of the work herself or she can be 'wife' and work with him to realize his 'dream'. That does not mean just waving as he goes riding off. It does not mean handing him a bike and a map. It means being open and listening not shutting down. Instead of demanding how he is going to do something, giving constructive advice.

I still think that if the business can't survive without him for a couple of months THEY need a contingency plan in case he can't work for other reasons like illness.

The thought occurs to me that if they can't work as a team on this project, then they will be divorced very quickly after selling the business or retiring.