I have been with her for 5 yrs now we have 2 children together,which makes 4 total, there's 1 each from previous relationships... we have been through a lot together due to poor choices on my part.the last one being that Id started drinking again and totally withdrew from her.theres was only arguments for 5 months while I was drinking and a lot of my emotions came out about things shed been doing,communications with other males so to speak seemed to always be there. Of course she denyed it and I became worse in attitude and drinking. One night she texted to say she would be home late and I started in with fact finding where are you,what's going on questions. She didn't come home that night and I showed up at her job the next day. She was driving his car(her car Id bought for her was at home)and I followed her to his house.
Me and him didn't have it out,we talked about things (her and him) he said the relationship was mutual they liked each other but haven't had sex.she wouldn't come home though said she was staying there,she was scared of me.(Ive never hit her nor physically fought with her before,a tassel a time or two.NO VIOLENCE)she texted me the next day that she was ready to come home and talk and she did,we did and tried to move on,yet I couldn't accept the fact she was probably still talking to this guy and my attitude showed it.We had a few arguments and after a few weeks I concluded Id better start working things outr with me.
Its been almost 60days since Ive drank a drop.Im involved in AA again and we're both going to church now the last few weeks.Everything seems perfect so to speak,yet she's still texting and communicating with him.
The day before she came home with a smile on her face and talked about how shed looked foreword to coming home for the first time since she could remember!! the very next day she got out of her car with a look I knew too well,she went and seen him briefly and now he's pressuring her he wants her to leave me. I guess during my drinking she said she was going to leave me to be with him,they've seen each other off and on for 5 months now.this guy knew about me and my condition and they started as friends,yet now they feel for one another.she says she doesn't want to hurt anyone's feelings.making a choice and Ive given her her space and freedom to see him and whatever she feels she needs to do.
I realized the only one I can control is me and Ive done just that!!
She's told him she love him and likewise... yet she still comes home and we get along like we did when we first met.we have sex once a day at least,we talk about things we never have.yet in the back of my mind Im unsure of things.
She was suppose to move to her moms and decide from there.Two weeks later the kids are all coming back from grandmas,and looks as though things are returning to a normal state.Yet she hasn't decided who she's going to devote too?? Least not to my knowledge.seems like Im trapped in a real life jerry springer and don't know what to expect?

You say you are still living together and having regular sexual relations, and yet she also tells or told you she's in love with this other guy.

Or has she moved in to her mothers?

Seems to me she may be doing what several males often do, having her cake and eating it.

You need to both sit down and talk to not at each other calmly and sort this business out.

I think time has come for her to make up her mind which one she wants.

When or if you do decide to sit down together and sort this out, try to remain calm.

Neither of you will get anything sorted if you begin a screaming or shouting match, if possible arrange to have you children at their grandmothers, or perhaps a child minder.

If you cannot manage to sort something out, then I don't really know what I would advise you to do, unless of course you're willing to move out and go NC, which is something you may do well to consider. If you and she are to make anything of this relationship then you need to have him out of the picture, but you can't order her to get him off the scene, its got to be her decision. Not a lot of help at this point, but Ill wait to see what others are going to suggest.

She says she loves this other man, does she still love you?

I'm trying to put myself in your situation. I think I would flat out tell her she needs to quit talking to him if it's going to work between you two. Especially after conversations that they've had. I hope for everyone's sake, especially the kids', that you can get everything sorted out and get this guy out of the picture. You are definitely going to have to remain calm, but at the same time, be assertive. Tell her that you're not going to stand for her to be telling some other man that she loves him when she's in a relationship with you.

And 3 definitely IS a crowd. I'm with you.

OMG Ive just re-read your post and they've been going together for 5 months!!
In view of this I think you have got to stand up for yourself this woman is being totally disrespectful to you and her children, and sorry to say it but you are letting her, no wonder she hasn't chosen who she wants to be with, you're basically condoning her, and this other person, Im surprised you haven't just allowed him to move in!
Sorry but...
Correct me if I am wrong but you say there are a total of 4 children in the relationship as well, so who takes care of them when she's out doing as she does?
I don't think this puts her in a good light as a Mother, perhaps you should tell her to move out, at least then you could start to put some consistency back into the children's lives.
No matter what you really do need to speak out and make her sit up and be counted, she's walking all over you...

Added to this its not a good lifestyle for the children.

This isn't so much about you and this woman its about the children who are being witnesses to it all, what effect will or is it having on them, what kind of moral standing are they going to have in their adult lives having seen their Mother come and go as she pleases with this other man.

You say she goes to church too, goodness, it's a wonder you don't get struck by lightening. Imo

As parents we are responsible for our children's moral welfare, and they do tend to mimic what they see the adults in their lives doing.

I wouldn't be drinking my problems away, I would be divorcing them! Not yesterday but months ago. 5 to be exact!

Not to late NOW!!

positiveparent the children aren't witness to this.they know nothing of it except the 4 year old? He was with her when she was caught and she stayed at his house for the 24hr period.
She didn't answer me when I asked her about him,and after she had tolkd me he had told her he loved her.I asked her had she told him she loved him? She looked away and didn't answer.
She's still here with me,there was a talk between her and her mom and her mother told her she would give us time to talk about thjings while she kept the girls for 2 weeks.my oldest is 19 and the youngest has been here with me.she drives to work and he worked with her at her old job in the same area.she spent her week ends saying she was going out with the girls and such. She spends more time at home now but she slips off to see him at her lunch or after work briefly... her last visit she said after getting her to open up this guy wanted to know if shed leave me fri. night?
The anger is gone on my part and Im very understanding but not stupid either.
Does she still love me?? I don't know?? Maybe we'll talk about that... we've slept apart for 3 yrs her couch and my bed.now we sleep together and have since that week end she spent with him.After she came back I decided Id start changingf some things.
Ive done more than my fair shares of wrongs in our relationship,yet Ive never involved another.
If she moves out the girls go to grandmas,there would be sepration of the kids.I love them all dearly.she told me she was so depressed and he's given her back her self esteem,I should be grateful??
Anyhow any imput or suggestions Im looking foreword too!!

Hi Johnnie3

I am at a loss to what to suggest you try, if your g/f Mother is taking your children with her soon, I guess you'll have to wait until then, Im sorry I can't be of any more help to you, I think you know where you stand in this.

Do you work?

So if you and your g/f go your own ways this will mean they will be living 2 with her 2 with you, or have I got that wrong? ( the children I mean)

Its of little help but you could try to keep busy, I guess with 4 children that's self explanatory.

Im sorry this isn't much by way of advice Ill pop in here again tomorrow, and perhaps Ill have had some divine inspiration.

Ill say a prayer for you and your children.

If it helps I feel your pain. Sorry.

johnnie3, congratulations on staying sober through these difficult times! That in itself is an accomplishment, and you should be proud of that fact. I have 14 months myself, so I know the draw of the drink, especially in hard times.

As far as her and this "special friend". She needs to make up her mind, and stick with one guy. There is no "us" or "we". It's me and the kids, or nothing at all. You all are a family unit. This extra guy needs to back off and let you two work things out. If it were me I would have to have a conversation with this guy and straighten this out man to man. But that's just me. If you can't do it without getting into a fistfight, then by all means don't do it.

Talk to her and you both should get into counseling.

Good luck, and stay sober.

You've been together five years, had two children together, and she's been on the couch for three of those five years.

My guess is she was on the couch due to your drinking. Although you say it wasn't violent, alcoholics don't usually argue with logic, a clear head, and compassion, thus they put their partners through hell.

You totally withdrew from her for five months, as you said, and I presume you weren't much of a father at the time either.

And you are finding fault with her?

Other than quitting drinking and giving her 'space' to decide what she wants to do, and you say you have made some immediate changes that she has appreciated- back to more of a routine, regular sex again, and companionship, going to church, just what have you done to address the issues that turned into an alcohol addiction.

I realize you are in a 12 step program, but have you offered to go to counselling with your wife so she can have some input into what you probably don't remember, which were the worst parts of your behaviour when you were drinking.

If you think all the months of drinking and arguing did not affect your children- think again.

As to the other man in the picture that she has been seeing on and off for five months, during the time you totally withdrew from her as you said, she did get basic comfort, care, and attention, that she should have been getting from you. But you were too blitzed to see it.

I am sure you're a great person- sober. But, you set the stage for the destruction of your marriage. That she has given already to trying, and things are going well and she's happy, will likely still leave her in a reserved status, because she doesn't know if it will last.

What you might want to do is set the stage, and better balance what you want, with what you are willing to do to to make it happen.

I think you've got off easy. Tell her that you want to go to counselling, and be brave and honest enough to put your heart and soul into figuring out what went wrong, and what it may cost you, and why you want to mend your relationship. Dig deep and see if you can't find within yourself to bring up uncomfortable issues, as well as open yourself up to how it all affected your wife, and your children.

As her to not associate with this 'friend', until you at least take a stab at marriage counselling, or addiction counselling, or both.

If she is hedging, that may tip her in your direction.

Don't blow it.

Thanks jmjoe Its really been a blessing the trial Im going through w/her.theres a book that tells of a higher power(the lord jesus christ in my book)that will lift the obsession to drink when you get honest with yourself.thank GOD that that's done and I haven't had ONE desire through all this!! Its strengthened me quite a bit...
I talked to this guy twice and found that the words I said were only ammo in his favor.Yeah I intended to hurt this guy... but that's not really the issue.Shes got the power of choice and must be as honest as possiable in her decision.
Positivep. She was suppose to have made a decision in the two weeks without the kids here,and wrote me a letter from work saying she changed her mind,she was GOING to leave me... but she's seen change in me the last month and isn't sure she can even believe its me?now she doesn't know what to do?
The part Ive left out of my life is GOD for the last 6 months and its showed!! but Thanks for the prayers!!
She's said he was very upset fri. cause he wanted her to leave me and go live with her mom if she didn't want to stay with him??
She told him she wouldn't do that... and the conversation ended.
The kids all came home today and they may go back to grandmas but that's the 2 girls. She must have decided she's not going to her moms which is a positive thing.
The oldest my sons 19 yrs old he's not here much anyway... so there's 3 children involved.

So from what I can gather from your replies, she is still seeing this other man, and still living with you.

Seems she can't make up her mind what she wants, but whilst she is deliberating you're basically in limbo with your own life on hold.

Perhaps you need to make the decision for her and tell her straight, its him or me, give her a couple of days to make a decision.

You say the children aren't being effected by all of this, I would say that they are children pick up on things and they know when something is wrong, and it does effect them psychologically, it may not show now but it will in the future when they are unable to form lasting relationships.

If your partner still can't make up her mind then maybe its time you moved out.

You cannot continue living as you are, which Im sure you're more than aware of.

Apart from this I am unsure of what you can do.

I think its time to make a stand and stick to it.

Also whenever you discuss this situation with your partner try to ensure the children are not around you may think they're not listening but chances are they are. So wait until they are in bed or go for a walk or something with your partner then discuss the situation.

I am sorry guy, but despite all your personal issues, which you seem to be handling in a positive way, and despite her fears about you reverting back to who you were, I don't think you should be in any competition with another guy.

I don't care what you have done, I see it as very wrong to still see him, and come home to you. Right or wrong, if some guy is offering her a place to stay, and wants her, and your kids in his life, then this is not a platonic relationship. He is not a supportive friend, he is actively trying to break you up, so don't let your guilt over YOUR behavior, blind you to HER behavior. I wouldn't blame her for leaving you, but I cannot condone what she is doing now. That's cheating, and for whatever reason, is not acceptable.

It solves nothing to have one foot out the door, and the other somewhere else. I think you're better off alone than having a part time partner. Now that you have clarity without the alcohol, get clarity on your emotions also.