Hello! An answer to your question:

I have been with my husband for over 5 years, I thought we had a relatively (within norm) stable relationship. We have struggled a lot together. We both came from another country and we both had to adjust to the new culture here in the US. We stayed with my family for 6 months when we first arrived. Thenk we stayed with some cousins of his for about a year. Then we moved out to our own apartment. Due to the economy and problem where we had moved to, we moved back.

The wife (no kids) of one of the cousins came to the US and she obviously stayed there, my husband was disabled at the time and I was working full-time so he stayed a lot by himself with her. Well we finally moved out about 6 months after she came to our own house! I was so happy because we could finally start a family. I had nightmares about a baby being born in a small studio with 5 other people because at the time we were living in a walk-in closet.

Well less then 5 months after mvoing into our house and fixing it up. We went to dinner to celebrate finishing a floor (major repairs were needed and we did it on our own). He starts talking about my brother (who was cheated on and she got pregnant by the other guy and my sister found out and told everybody) and I commented that I didn't agree with my sister because marriage is personal and I'm sure I said something else. HE BURST!!

He started spewing out all this information about the fact that his cousins had warned him that I was cheating on him and that now he has "proof" based on a comment on made (I wish I knew what the trigger comment was but I was chatting away) so he said that his cousing took him to a hotel and that I was there and he pointed to one of the rooms and told my husband that they both can go and see. Also the cousins accused me of sleeping with one of their many friends that come everyday.

I am a very nice ameable person although I was overseas in central america I continued to be more from the US then from there, so I never shyed away from a guy or ever worried about what people would say about how I dressed or how I acted (which my husband says is one of the qualities he really like about me) but he thought I was flirting and sleeping with this guy.

It gets worse, the wife of the guy (when we were in our house) came on to him (he told me himself) and she said, that they should get together since I was cheating too. He says he stopped it because he wouldn't do that to his COUSIN (not to me :P)

I was working 8 hours during the day and 2 hour travel to and from work, so I wasn't there. Sometimes I had to stay an extra hour at work to finish the days tasks. When I got home we had sex (not every night but most nights) and we would have dinner outside (because almost everyday 5 or more guys would come to the house, including the guy they claimed I cheated on)

One day while there in the apartment, I heard something on the news that I really wanted to hear, (it was the weekend) and I knew that guy and another one was there (in this time I had no idea what was going on) so I got out of the room in my pajamas (pants and shirt) and went out and looked at the news, I did smile at him and he smiled back and then my husband came out and I went to brush my teeth because the report was over.

I agree that was a mild flirtation, and that's wrong, but according to my husband he was looking at my private parts (although he was behind him looking through an opening in the door) and if that guy wanted to he could have sex with me right there. Because, according to my husband, I was interested in having sex with him and all the other stuff.

I love him, he loves me, he thinks I cheated on him and he's still with me. I tell him to leave me if he really believes that and he doesn't answer me. He has waves of the old him, nice, sweet etc, then he has moments of angered silence. He hasn't hit me, but he's broken a lot of stuff.


When he got made at me it lasted out of the restaurant and into the late hours of the night, and he gave me an ultimatum, if I wanted to stay with him, I would have to have a baby. I was taking pills at the time and I wanted to fix up a few things before getting pregnant, but that was fine with me, I said yes and started my preconception prepare. I had no problems saying yes because I also wanted one, granted a little later, but he was furious when he said it and I was crying heavily because of the argument.
We've been married over 5 and we finally have bought a house, outright, we, with our savings and efforts we bought a ridicolously cheap house and we are fixing it to make it livable. And so far, we work well together and it's coming along nicely.

But I can't have him deeply upset with me and us be happy. Now he says he was rushing things because he thought a baby would fix everything and now he doesn't want one :( And now I do! It's like he turned a switched on it my head to have a baby and now I can't reverse it, it's all I think about.

I'm so frustrated and sad and feel really betrayed by all of his cousins, and I thought the wife was my friend and that makes it worse. I truly believed in their friendship and sincerity.

She asked me once to help her put some things inside a house where there was a bar-b-que and I went and then she asked the guy (who I supposedly cheated with) to help bring in stuff, then she said she had to go to the restroom and she did and I stayed with the other guy alone getting some sodas and water. We both left the house at the same time, together, by ourselves, she came out later. She asked what I thought about that guy and I said I thought he was cute (which he is) but I guess they thought that meant I would sleep around. Well, I had forgotten about all this but my husband reminded me when he got upset, he just exploded telling me all these events that I had no idea how it looked.

He knows his cousins almost all his life and they were (because we haven't seen them since we moved) his buddys. I've changed my job where I mostly stay at home now and I help him with any labor jobs he gets, because like I said we work well together. But he's known me for 7 years, and if they took me to a hotel to say he was sleeping with someone else I would stay and go see, but he didn't want to, he told his cousings (as defense) that I've been cheating on him since day one and that this is no big deal.

I don't know what to do, he has all this hearsay and proof (like the smile and bar-b-que) and I was a virgin when I got together with him so he's the only guy I know (I did flirt and did make out with guys before but never had sex, I was brought up to believe that I should be married first, well, we were engaged). I don't have any girlfriends, the wife that was hitting on my husband was the closest friend I've had since I came back to the states. So now I really don't talk to anyone. He has always been jealous, possesive, insecure, (so am I) but not to an extreme. Now if I want to go out with a girl, he thinks I'm going to go cheat on him and she's going to be covering for me.

I'm sorry I wrote so much but I really wanted you to understand how everything got to this point. I love my husband so much and I want a baby, I want to be happy with him again. We still have sex all the time. Oh and another thing, we both contracted an STD and found out when we were in our home country visiting family. But we weren't very hygenic, we did oral then anal then vaginal sex with frecuency, so that could be why we got sick, I'm not sure. But we both were very mad at each other for a while when we found out.

How can I make him believe me? What can I do to restore his trust in me? What can I do to prevent this? What would you do in this case? I'm lost and scared of him, due to something I didn't do. And the worst thing is that looking at the evidence from his point, I would have a hard time convincing me too :(
Thank you for your time and you reading this very long post! I really appreciate any input.

If you want to continue your marriage and rebuild the trust, counseling would probably be the best way. If cost is a problem, you might be able to find low or no cost counseling through a church or local health services.

I don't think that there is anything you can say or do to get through to him and I am concerned that he is using his 'anger' at you to cover for his own mistakes. I think it is going to take a neutral third party mediating to get to the bottom of the issues and problems.

A baby wouldn't solve anything and would probably add more stress to a relationship already at the breaking point.

Good luck.

He is the one likely with the guilty conscience, and he makes up for it by protesting your lack of character and fidelity.

I would guess that he has been the one fooling around, and, provided the STD for you.

Good grief.

What kind of man is this.

If you remain where you are, expect more of the same. He has a whole army of spies, story tellers, and liars to back up what he says about you, none of which is true.

He would not last five minutes with me before I gave him the boot.

Unless he can divorce his family, and put you first, I can't imagine this situation getting any better.

You could start by not putting up with his families crap, and until he grows up, and thinks for himself without them, they will cause problems.

Have nothing to do with his family, if they cannot behave with respect, and make your own friends. Truth be told, you don't have to put up with his crap either. Don't worry about proving yourself to any one, not even him, just keep doing the right things by yourself, and your husband, and dwell no more on what goes on outside the two of you.

You poor thing. This has been a nightmare. I have read your whole post. It was not too long.

I think that this man is abusive and that the prospect of finally being alone with you has brought out all his worst qualities. The violence, even if he has not yet hit you, is a very bad sign. He is intimidating you and it would not surprise me if he moved on to invading your space (sitting in your chair, looming over you, etc), pushing you, or "accidentally" hurting you.

The idea that he would demand a child as a sort of punishment for your supposedly cheating on him is just crazy and sick. A child should be a product of love. And then when he realizes that's what you want, he says he doesn't want one? That's vindictive.

I think it's self evident that he was the one who brought the STD into your marriage. If it was not you, it was him and his "anger" was a cover. He spent all day alone with another woman for months while you worked long hours to support him and he's accusing YOU of infidelity?

I believe that even if you could prove you were faithful--and how are you going to prove that?--he would hold this alleged affair over you. I'm not even sure he really believes you were unfaithful.

My ex, who was abusive (physically and verbally), used to wake me in the night sometimes to scold me for being unfaithful because he dreamed that I was. I would tell him I was not responsible for his dreams, but in his mind, it was real, even though he had to know that was ridiculous. He would be so angry with me. This feels similar.

Your husband's cousins are clearly not your friends. I'm a little unclear about who is who, but it sounds like the wife set you up, for whatever reason. You should begin to make your own friends and reach out to people you used to be in touch with, whether friends or family. Make new friends, maybe find a women's center and talk to other people in similar situations. You sound very isolated, which gives him too much power over you. You need a network of people who will give you support as you figure this out. Don't necessarily let him know you are doing this.

Even though you are married and own a house together, please do not have a child with him, as I think things will get worse if you do. If he is abusive and you have a child together, you will never be able to get him out of your life and the child will become the object of his anger as well. He will probably claim that the child is not his! I really think you should consider leaving him soon. But take some time to think this over and reach out to people--as long as you still feel safe.

You sound like a really nice person. You can do better than this man. Have your children with someone gentle who will trust and appreciate you, not scare you this way.

I read all... and wound suggest you unconditionally what I felt...

Your husband loves you a lot.. what ever he believes is what he is viewing from his eye sight and even being sure that you have cheated on him(as he believes).. he is with you,. fighting with his anger everyday.. if he would have wanted he could have made relation with some other lady.. in order to break from you or take a revenge kind of thing..
But he still loves you and he is not ready to do what you did(in his perspective).. So, you better ask him what he want from you.. a baby... a peaceful life.. or sometime to be stable and feel that you are purely for him only.. and you too decide what you could do to make your life happy again with your love.. do bring gifts for him.. take good care of him.. I know you are not the one who did any mistake... but please do think that a mental disease is eating your hubby day by day.. so you need to take good care of him.. be with him most of the time.. try to speak to him without using words.. coz if anyone loves you may be that he doesn't believe on your word but he will surely believe on your eyes..
In the end... I will only say that hatred can never be the cure of hatred... your husband is suffering from hatred.. n that too for the one whom he loves a lot... so sometime his love arises and sometime his hatred wins over his love.. So, you have inject more and more love in him.. so that hatred doesn't get any place inside him... and leaves him for you forever..

Wish you happy married life...