Hi

I was in this very brief physical relationship with this guy I knew when I was single. We never had sex. And that's that.

I happened to inform my husband about this long before (about 2 years) we got married. Obviously he was disturbed, however, he managed to get over it and now we're married, about 3 months now.

The problem began when I started going out with some friends of mine on Friday nights, twice in a row and returned home late in the night - about 1 a.m. One thing led to another and I found out that he still has not forgotten about my past. He's insecure about me.

He's gracious enough to admit that and confesses that he wants to forget all about it, however, he insists on knowing the details of the relationship, like what we did, how we did it, when and where, how many times, what positions, where did he touch me, etc. He claims that knowing all these details would help him forget all about it and probably stop him from imagining all sorts of things about me and my friends.

I really don't see why I should divulge details of my relationship to him. I feel very uncomfortable and violated. Moreover, I feel cheated because I was under the impression that all this was behind us and I was well on my way to closing the chapter and leaving it behind me. We had even decided that this would not come between us after we were married.

Luckily, we have had a very open conversation on this, however, I'm at loss as to how to convince him that there is no need for him to know the details of my relationship. He simply is not convinced that I didn't have sex with the guy and insists on knowing the details. I feel hurt that we didn't close this earlier.

We live in different cities and the distance is making it all the more difficult. We are conversing regularly about the day-to-day activities, however, I feel the tension from my side. I can't speak to him affectionately as I used to.

Please help. I don't know how to convince him. I have suggested counselling and he is willing to go. I guess I am lucky to have him as a husband, but I don't want to lose him because of this.

Obviously he was disturbed,

Why is this obvious? Why should he be disturbed at all by your life prior to becoming involved with you? This isn't at all obvious to me.


We live in different cities and the distance is making it all the more difficult. .

Why do you live in different cities. That's not a marriage.

Bottom line is details of your life prior to him should not be important. You chose him and that's all that's important. Has he told you details of all his prior relationships?

On the flip side, a marriage is based on trust and I don't see why you feel you need to keep secrets from him.

Was this an arranged marriage?

Have you asked him if he was virginal when he married you?

If he is uncomfortable answering you ask him why he thinks you should answer him.

The past is the past. Why does he need to know?

He sounds very insecure, very jealous. He is your husband, but what good will knowing what you did and with whom you did it do? You didn't cheat. You had a life before you met him, I'm sure he had a life before he met you too.

Ask him if he's comfortable talking about everything he did before you two met. Every detail, every kiss, grope, glance, everything.

How can you move forward if you keep dwelling on the past? You can't.

He claims that knowing all these details would help him forget all about it and probably stop him from imagining all sorts of things about me and my friends.

It doesn't work that way. Telling him will only fuel the fire. You don't owe him any information about your love life before he came into the picture.

You don't and should not tell him about the past at this point and time.

You need to be living together, and have counseling to build up trust in your relationship. Then after time perhaps more details.

Your husband was informed of this 'friend' you had, two years before you married him. You never had sex with the guy, yet your husband wants ALL the details, even details that do not exist. That is a tad weird.

He has created that long ago situation as though it were yesterday, and even if it were, you did nothing wrong, and even if you had had a steamy affair, it was over before it started, and long before you committed to marriage to another.

That he can't let this go, means that he has created a much larger problem, and my guess is it is based on fear, which usually involves some sort of control. The harder he tries to justify his 'right' to know, and the more you deny, the angrier he gets, and the more insecure he is with this imaginary situation.

It almost seems like he is covering something up, and he'd feel better about it, if you too had had a similar lapse in judgment. Possible?

Whatever his reasons are, counselling is a really good idea, and that he is willing to go will hopefully put his mind at ease and he will realize how unreasonable he is being. I don't think this will stop until somebody else tells him that he has blown this all out of proportion.

In the meanwhile when he brings it up, tell him that you will no longer talk about it, except in counselling. If he pushes to talk about it, walk away and find something to do. He will eventually get the picture- hopefully.

This is quite simple really, since nothing sexual happened, tell him that, and if he persists, then ask him should you make up some sexy details for him?

He sounds Asian, or strictly traditional religious, and one of the ways they get at the truth is to constantly ask the same question over, and over, looking for details that change.

Maybe it's the distance, that makes him insecure, probably, but you just have to reassure him in a consistent way, until he crosses a line, and then you let him have it with temper.

Telling him the truth, that he makes you feel like a convict, because you have nothing to confess, is better than taking his issues personally, and telling him its none of his business. That only feeds his insecurities further.

How long is this distance thing going to last? That's the real culprit.

Wow, thanks guys for all these responses.

You all mirror my thoughts so perfectly.

Let me answer some of your questions.

We are living in different cities because of our jobs. No worries, bcos it's a temporary arrangement. I'll be joining him soon, maybe a couple of months or so. Its only been a month since we're staying apart.

From what he's told me, he has not had a previous relationship. Hence he was a virgin.

He claims he has "accepted" the relationship that I had, and is "absolutely comfortable" to listen to the details from me.

Yes, we're both Asian. Indian actually.


Ours is a love marriage...


Things are tense between us, I can't stand it. I agree that the distance is also causing this between us. Can't wait to go to him and try to sort it out.

Hope I find a good counsellor. Will let you guys know how things turn out... :)

things are tense between us, i can't stand it. i agree that the distance is also causing this between us. can't wait to go to him and try to sort it out.

hope i find a good counsellor. will let u guys know how things turn out... :)
Please do not divulge all sorts of private/personal information to him ("sort it out") before you see the counselor. The purpose of the counselor is to help you two get past his need to hear all the "details."

Tell him to take a chill pill because there is nothing to give details about and if he acts like a butt hole and gets angry, then he sleeps on the porch.

Never act guilty, when you are not. Just curious, are there something's you rather not tell him? You were a virgin also, when you met him, right??

My point is if you are honest him, then take no crap from him.