I’m desperately trying to get to the bottom of why I feel so detached and somewhat unfulfilled right now in my relationship. I run conversations in my head that I never end up having. I run these conversations in hopes of sorting out my thoughts and in hopes of finding a diplomatic way of expressing what I feel. It seems that whenever I say anything to her, she takes it as an accusation or an attack. No matter how small or paltry the situation, I find it always ends up in her getting upset. What’s worse is each fight seems to expand the distance between us. In my past relationships, we’d fight and then things would go back to normal. In this one it feels like we fight and it comes back together with pieces missing.

I keep hoping that things will come around and we’ll start moving into a more positive direction, but that doesn’t seem to be the case. It doesn’t help that she’s generally an unhappy person. Very internal and doesn’t communicate her feeling much.

I’m not getting it done in the bedroom either which eats at me daily. I never had a problem with my other relationships. I was a proud lover and the fire of sex and passion were a big part of my past relationships. With her, since the beginning, it’s been awkward. We’ve had some fiery moments, but overall, I finish way too fast now and I don’t get why. I’d say this is at the core of all my insecurities. I’m not the man to her and I can feel it but can’t seem to change it. So instead I try to overcompensate by being there for her in so many other ways. It’s a strategy that worked at first, but as my insecurities began to leak out in several victim pukes, I started coming off as needy, whiny and insecure. I caught on to this, however and have been making changes. I wonder if this in combination with my poor sexual performance have made her lost respect for me.

Now she’s pregnant. She says she’s in love with me, but I can’t buy into her words. It’s like her mouth is saying one thing and her actions are doing something different. Phone calls, texts, sex, intimacy, communication... they’ve all taken a pretty big hit. I’ve tried to bring some of the romance back, I’ve tried to tell her and show her that my hearts in the same place, but it doesn’t seem to make a difference.

If I were to categorize the stage of this relationship, I’d say it feels as if we’re tenuously held together by a thread, close to either cheating or completely shutting down. Yet she still says she wants to marry me. I don’t feel secure with our relationship enough right now to ask her though. She wants me to move in, too. I don’t understand her logic. I feel like there’s hope, but each week that goes by, I’m a little closer to the door. She, however keeps insisting that if she had ring, it would change her attitude and she’d be happy. You tell me if that makes any sense, because it doesn’t to me. To me it seems like a “cart before the horse” mentality.

Is she operating under the ideal that just because she’s pregnant, we “should” do what’s right? Sacrifice what we really feel so that we can force ourselves to have a proper family? Maybe she’s saying to herself, “He’s not the man I want, but he’s nice enough and I should try to make it work, for the sake of the child.” Questions I have but can’t ask because they’ll just end up sounding like an attack to her. But they’re questions I want answers to. If I’m not the man for her, fine. I can live with that. There are hundreds of women out there that can love me without feeling like they’re settling. At least knowing the truth, I can move on. My effectiveness as a father have nothing to do with whether I’m with her or not. I’d prefer to work it out and have my family intact like her, but I’m not going to sacrifice how I feel just to create an ideal without a base.

There’s no fire, no zap, no energy in our relationship. It feels like the air got let out of our tires or the wind sucked out of our sails. Like we became casual friends who occasionally share an intimate moment. That’s not good enough for me. I want the fire, zap and energy. I want to have a good time when we see each other, not sit around and watch her sulk. I’m generally a happy, positive person. When I talk to or see other people, I’m always laughing and having a good time. I think this is why she was originally attracted to me. I try to bring that in our relationship, but lately it seems her doom and gloom overshadow my energy. I’d read somewhere that negative people can drag you down. I didn’t think anything could drag me down. I guess I was wrong.

What I did decide to do is work on myself. I decided I wanted to be the best dad I could be for this child regardless of how she and I end up. I’m doing a lot of self evaluation, working through past issues, working out, doing things for myself to keep myself positive, etc. But a part of me is still holding on to the hope that we can work it out. We were happier before, there was fire, there was passion, there was laughter... It’s almost like we had two separate relationships, the happy pre-pregnancy times and the sulking post-pregnancy times.

I don't mean that I would cheat... I wouldn't. Or that she would cheat. I'm just saying things don't feel secure and if she were courting or thinking of someone else at this point, I wouldn't be surprised.

You have expressed yourself,your feelings and the situation very well in your post,I a complete stranger find it difficult to understand how you cannot express to your partner your frustration.

My guess is she is not hearing you or chooses to ignore what your saying,perhaps you are right and she is settling,or she is comsumed by the pregnancy,which would not be unnatural.

Taking into account the pregnancy hormones present,and the last line of your post,I'm going to go out on a limb here and say,I think the pregnancy has thrown her for a loop.

The instinct to provide a stable base for her child and for things to be 'right' is strong,and perhaps she has tunnel vision as regards your relationship right now.

I do think you have a good attitude,I do think working on yourself is positive,however,if you want this relationship to work and get back to the fire,passion etc your going to have to set aside your insecurities for a while,parenthood is a big transition for anyone,it will test your relationship to its limits,and it also separates the men from the boys.

She needs you to be strong,someone she can rely on,I doubt she cares right now that your not superman in the bedroom,being sensitive,caring and gentle would rate higher (at least for me).

Talk talk talk,and keep talking.

With each month her hormones will change,and the excitement about the new arrival will mount,work together to create a good foundation for this child,and you do that by having open and honest communication.

Maybe this thing has fizzled out, seems so to me, but your plan to be a good dad, regardless of what happens, is a good attitude to have. That's what you're SUPPOSED to do.

Working on yourself is also a great idea, as you don't seem compatible at this time, and females are very weird when they are pregnant. Just be there is all you can do, and don't take whatever she says, or does, personally.

You may be lousy lovers, and worse when it comes to communications, but you can still be good parents.

You must conquer your own fears, which is the basis for your insecurities though for the clarity of thought you need. It takes some deep search, to find out where your fear is coming from, and how to face it. Good Luck on that very personal journey.