Where to begin. I've been with my husband for a little over two years now and we've been through so much in a very short time. 5 months in to the relationship I mentioned the fact this his frequent use of pornography made me feel very self conscious and asked if he could stop looking as I was more than willing to fulfill his errrm "needs". He told me he would but of course it never stopped. It became a huge source of tension and we fought a lot over it (for about two weeks) then found out I was pregnant. One month into the pregnancy I miscarried and the porn issue was pushed to side while we struggled to deal with our loss. Two months after the miscarriage he was picked up on a warrant from a charge stemming from when he was 17 (8 years ago) and in another state. Hah I know he already sounds like such a winner right. The charges were pretty dumb kid stuff, he and some buddies had stolen Christmas decorations off someone's lawn, unfortunately one was an antique and therefore worth felony charges. Anyway he was convicted and they wouldn't let him move back to VA from NC unless he had family in the state. So we decided to get married. However it still took 3 months for all the paperwork with the interstate compact to go through so we were separated for that time with the exception of monthly 3 day visits I would take down there. A month after we were married I had just returned to VA from visiting him when I got a phone call from a friend directing me to a dating website. Sure enough my husbands profile was on there and the last activity had been while I was in town in NC with him. Needless to say I totally lost my called him and demanded all his passwords (email, dating sites, Facebook, myspace, etc). I discovered so much porn saved in emails, nude pictures from women on the sites, emails to exes, emails to strangers asking for nudes and so on. I was floored and devastated. My initial reaction was of course to get an anullment, however he decided at this point to tell me that he had a porn addiction and that a lot of his behaviors were symptomatic of said addiction. I read further into pornography addiction and realized it's a valid thing and decided if he could get help I'd give him another chance. He got involved with a bishop at his parents church for counseling and worked at it for a little while. Then he got back to VA and within 2 months had slipped up again. This time only with viewing porn on the web, but the agreement we'd made was if he messed up he had to tell me. Because one of the things I kept reading was that porn addiction escalates and I worried if he was hiding stuff still that it would go further and further. So once again we fought and fought and then eventually went back to kind of just ignoring everything. Complacency I guess. There have been a few slip ups since then, and subsequent lies about them, and I was near my breaking point when once again I find out I'm pregnant. This time we made it six months before we lost our daughter in premature labor. 3 days later he looked at porn which I didn't find out until a month ago. Last week was when I was due to deliver her had all things gone well and tensions have already been high with the emotional duress over that. 4 days ago we get into yet another fight (fueled by alcohol) and he vanishes from the bar we were at. I found out the next day he had gone and withdrawn 80 bucks from our already very low bank account to go get a lap dance that night. SO with all that out there my question remains does porn addiction lead to acting out in this manner or is he just a compulsive douche that has screwed up a good thing with someone that was willing to work with him with a real addiction?

Girl, you need to let him go. I can't imagine why someone would want to have kids with this man given what he has already put you through. I know it maybe hard but you need to cut your losses now. You will meet someone who will love you and want to have many kids with you.

No porn does not "make" him do this, he was most likely doing it all along ad you found it. You really just need to find someone stable and move on

Wow. While I am sure porn addiction is a real thing, it sounds like he isn't taking his addiction and your concerns seriously enough. With other addictions, it has to be them that decide that they have had enough and want to change. It sounded like he was off to a good start, but now that he is trying to do it on his "own" per say, he can't handle the temptation.

Sounds like there really isn't any serious consequences for his actions, aside from fighting, which he has proved only pushed him further to "slip up".

If I were in your shoes, and this is my opinion only, I would give an ultimatum, seek professional help, get proper counseling or you are leaving (if that's how you feel). Basically you need to stick by your values. You need to ask yourself if you are ready for constant slip ups, and porn viewings and God knows what else. If not, than you need to make a change as well.

Mustangchristy- both pregnancies were unplanned and I was using birth control (a different one each time) and yeah I don't want to have kids with him at all at this point. God forbid we had a daughter and she was exposed to that crap. Hell no.

I actually did ask him to leave the house while I sorted all this out and today he texted me with an address and appointment time to see a marriage counselor and I am so torn. Part of me feels like I would be so much better off and could gain back self respect if I just leave. But the other part of me is so against divorce in general that I feel like I have to give it a genuine chance. We've never really worked on this together other than me spying on him and then blowing up and him apologizing and then going to SA for a few meeting and then it all goes back to "normal". I also went through an addiction of my own and can understand how they grip you hard and I feel almost hypocritical for not helping if that makes sense.



As far as him going to strip clubs in the past I know that's not the case as we have joint checking and I check the account all the time just so I don't overdraw it ha.

It's not hypocritical at all, I am sure your loved ones would have done the same thing. No one wants to see their partner suffer. If you want to help, that's great, I commend you for your strength, but remember he has to be on board too. You guys need to go to that marriage counselor, and keep working on it.

You just need to set boundary's and there needs to be consequences for his actions. Recovering addicts are known to have a slip up or two, some never do. But getting mad, running off and going to get a lap dance, shouldn't be acceptable.

He needs professional help, he obviously can't do this on his own, and unless you are able to give him the counseling and therapy and sex aversion he needs than he needs help out side the home, and a marriage counselor is a great start.

As someone who has been married to a man for almost 20 years that also has a porn addiction (I was in denial for a LONG time. "Oh, all guys do that... right?"). We got married when I was 18 and he was 21. I thought it would pass eventually. It never did.

RUN, do not just walk, out of this relationship. YOU can't fix them. They can only fix themselves and because they are literally *addicted* they *can't*. I know that is probably terribly hard to hear as I'm sure that you feel like you can "help" him. (Alot of these types of addicts attach themselves to helper personalities, as I've read. Google co-dependent or co-addict for more info.)

This addiction is hugely real and understated. And it's horribly, terribly, sad that it could ruin an otherwise really good and decent relationship. Your marital life and self-esteem 20 years from now are not worth it. It only *escalates* from here. The problem does *not* go away. Trust me. I've lived it.

I'm sorry to be the bearer of bad news to you but that's just the way it is. Cut your losses now while you still can. Lap dances are nothing compared to where he is headed. I love my husband very much, have done a lot to try and "help" this situation in our own lives. Nothing has worked. Read that again. *Nothing* has worked. Talking, crying, fussing, arguing, ignoring it, participating in it, doing more with him, doing less. Nothing.

It's an addiction that he refuses to see much less do anything about. He probably spends at least 8 hours per work surfing porn. Has drooled over the thoughts of "us" becoming swingers, the porn he does look at now has turned more perverse (women and animals; cuckold type porn; etc.. ), he has admitted to calling escorts and "talking" to them a "few" times; saved multitudes of porn on disks and drives; went to great lengths to "clean" our computer of traces of porn, and then finally resulted in watching porn at work an hour or two AFTER closing time at work and then cleaning that computer of all traces too. He chatted up an old high school crush on Facebook secretly, which then progressed to more late night chatting and while at work, admitting that he sent her half of a "forced sex/ rape" type story that he wrote about HER. Being newly single, she enjoyed the attention and then made several trips to his work to come and see him. They supposedly went out to lunch "once". (Yeah, right!) He also stole the private nude pictures of an employee of his from a work computer and kept them for his personal use. Keep in mind that a good chunk of what I just described to you is an 8 year sex drought that "we" went through where he pushed me away when I asked him to come to bed. He developed (and still has) erectile dysfunction.

Depression, irritability, pushing me away, coming up with grievances that don't actually exsist about me, acusing *me* of cheating on him , although I am a mostly stay at home mom with two small children. Seriously! Constantly unhappy about his life or stressed about "something". It nevers ends.
Walk NOW. I could recognize this crap a mile away when I see it now. Unfortunately, hindsight is 20/20.

No, I have absolutely no idea why I am still here.

Best of luck to you.



Signed,
Ms. Been There & Done That