lllarz
Jun 7, 2010, 02:53 PM
My background
I never felt like I fit in in high school. It was a tough time for me, I isolated myself and cut myself on a near daily basis from age 14-16. One day I acquired alcohol and not being very wise, I chugged too much at once, cut myself and woke up in a hospital with 19 deep wounds. After that experience I quit cold turkey. It woke me up when I realized how I would be judged (I was extremely good at hiding it, and being that I was so isolated there were few to no times where I had to deal with people knowing.)
I am 21 and still trying to make the scars fade. Everyday whether I consciously think of it or not, I am extremely ashamed of what I did to myself and constantly worry about being judged.
When I was almost 18 I met a guy and had my first love. This led to my moving in with him when I turned 18. The next 2 yrs of my life I blindly took his abuse(?) (which I still question and blame myself for every once in a while). During this time I got a job, and befriended David. David is 50 yrs old, and very lonely. He was the first person who helped me realize that I shouldn't be treated as I was. He gave me a safe haven, and I owe him so much. I loved him like a brother. My boyfriend cut me off from my family and my only two friends. But David was there.
Anyway, my boyfriend of the time liked to yell. In the beginning all our fights were one-sided, I would sit there crying while he would be all pissed at me even though they all started because he would lie to me. But it was my fault.
The first night he was hospitalized for feeling suicidal was the first night I spoke up for myself. (I didn't even yell or anything I think I told him I didn't deserve how he was treating me). It was totally my fault.
After a year I moved into my own apartment and after another year I broke up with him. He was able to move on before we even broke up a year and a half ago, but I'm still terrified. I can't get past it. I'm broken.
A few months after, I slept with my best friend. We've been friends since before I can remember and I screwed that up. He was looking for a relationship and I wasn't. He knew I was too scared to let myself commit emotionally. One day out of the blue he texted me "I'm sorry we can't continue having sex. I'm hanging out with your brother now so let me know if you want to talk later."
I figured it would blow over but the next day I realized that he was being inconsiderate (or maybe it's just me, I shouldn't expect someone else to worry about my fragility) because not only did he tell me he found a relationship in a text, he sent the text while he was with my bro... so I wouldn't confront him if I was upset? I just felt really uncared for as a friend. I told him this and he got frustrated and we fought. I was tired of being stepped on and I thought if I spoke my mind things would be better. Maybe my problem is ignorance? Months went by where I never heard from him and I didn't contact him either. Eventually I sent him "I've tried to find a friend like you but I can't replace you. I miss your friendship". We are fine now.
I'd been trying to find friendship in college, but last semster has been full of stress. One guy got mad at me for not giving him a chance because I wasn't dating. He got mad at me for not calling him one day because I was exhausted and that turned it into everything was my fault and I need to learn how to take blame. He called me "miss perfect" (flashback to lying on the ground crying and being called "little miss ing perfect") I'm not perfect I hate myself and how am I perfect if I keep screwing everything up?
Another guy picked me up to go hang out (as friends, he knew I wasn't looking for anything) and then had to drive another friend home. She lived in the next state and by the time that was done, he was too tired to drive me back to my car and I had no choice but to sleep in his bed. He tried to touch me the next morning.
Last year, David and I were drinking... I started feeling sick and I lay down on the couch and closed my eyes but didn't pass out. He thought I did. He started touching me and I just lay there in shock for a few seconds not knowing what to do. And as soon as he tried to go down my pants I jumped up and left. I drove myself home... he claims he didn't remember anything and I never told him... he's my boss now. But ever since then I hardly hang out with him and most of the time when I do it's with other people. He's been depressed recently and I feel kind of like I abandoned him so I went to hang out with him yesterday. He has a perverted sense of humor with most people (not just me) and said something that I brushed off as one of his jokes. We weren't even drunk but he grabbed my when I was leaving.
I'm not looking for people to tell me to get a new job or report him.
I'm just so lost.. it has to be my fault it always is. I want to be loved so badly but I;'m so scared. I will not trust a therapist, my ex managed to convince his that I was the problem even though I told her a couple things about him that worried me that you think would worry her. What if it is my fault? All of it? I don't know how any of it would be but it has to be. I don't know if I'm too forgiving or the opposite. I hate myself.
I never felt like I fit in in high school. It was a tough time for me, I isolated myself and cut myself on a near daily basis from age 14-16. One day I acquired alcohol and not being very wise, I chugged too much at once, cut myself and woke up in a hospital with 19 deep wounds. After that experience I quit cold turkey. It woke me up when I realized how I would be judged (I was extremely good at hiding it, and being that I was so isolated there were few to no times where I had to deal with people knowing.)
I am 21 and still trying to make the scars fade. Everyday whether I consciously think of it or not, I am extremely ashamed of what I did to myself and constantly worry about being judged.
When I was almost 18 I met a guy and had my first love. This led to my moving in with him when I turned 18. The next 2 yrs of my life I blindly took his abuse(?) (which I still question and blame myself for every once in a while). During this time I got a job, and befriended David. David is 50 yrs old, and very lonely. He was the first person who helped me realize that I shouldn't be treated as I was. He gave me a safe haven, and I owe him so much. I loved him like a brother. My boyfriend cut me off from my family and my only two friends. But David was there.
Anyway, my boyfriend of the time liked to yell. In the beginning all our fights were one-sided, I would sit there crying while he would be all pissed at me even though they all started because he would lie to me. But it was my fault.
The first night he was hospitalized for feeling suicidal was the first night I spoke up for myself. (I didn't even yell or anything I think I told him I didn't deserve how he was treating me). It was totally my fault.
After a year I moved into my own apartment and after another year I broke up with him. He was able to move on before we even broke up a year and a half ago, but I'm still terrified. I can't get past it. I'm broken.
A few months after, I slept with my best friend. We've been friends since before I can remember and I screwed that up. He was looking for a relationship and I wasn't. He knew I was too scared to let myself commit emotionally. One day out of the blue he texted me "I'm sorry we can't continue having sex. I'm hanging out with your brother now so let me know if you want to talk later."
I figured it would blow over but the next day I realized that he was being inconsiderate (or maybe it's just me, I shouldn't expect someone else to worry about my fragility) because not only did he tell me he found a relationship in a text, he sent the text while he was with my bro... so I wouldn't confront him if I was upset? I just felt really uncared for as a friend. I told him this and he got frustrated and we fought. I was tired of being stepped on and I thought if I spoke my mind things would be better. Maybe my problem is ignorance? Months went by where I never heard from him and I didn't contact him either. Eventually I sent him "I've tried to find a friend like you but I can't replace you. I miss your friendship". We are fine now.
I'd been trying to find friendship in college, but last semster has been full of stress. One guy got mad at me for not giving him a chance because I wasn't dating. He got mad at me for not calling him one day because I was exhausted and that turned it into everything was my fault and I need to learn how to take blame. He called me "miss perfect" (flashback to lying on the ground crying and being called "little miss ing perfect") I'm not perfect I hate myself and how am I perfect if I keep screwing everything up?
Another guy picked me up to go hang out (as friends, he knew I wasn't looking for anything) and then had to drive another friend home. She lived in the next state and by the time that was done, he was too tired to drive me back to my car and I had no choice but to sleep in his bed. He tried to touch me the next morning.
Last year, David and I were drinking... I started feeling sick and I lay down on the couch and closed my eyes but didn't pass out. He thought I did. He started touching me and I just lay there in shock for a few seconds not knowing what to do. And as soon as he tried to go down my pants I jumped up and left. I drove myself home... he claims he didn't remember anything and I never told him... he's my boss now. But ever since then I hardly hang out with him and most of the time when I do it's with other people. He's been depressed recently and I feel kind of like I abandoned him so I went to hang out with him yesterday. He has a perverted sense of humor with most people (not just me) and said something that I brushed off as one of his jokes. We weren't even drunk but he grabbed my when I was leaving.
I'm not looking for people to tell me to get a new job or report him.
I'm just so lost.. it has to be my fault it always is. I want to be loved so badly but I;'m so scared. I will not trust a therapist, my ex managed to convince his that I was the problem even though I told her a couple things about him that worried me that you think would worry her. What if it is my fault? All of it? I don't know how any of it would be but it has to be. I don't know if I'm too forgiving or the opposite. I hate myself.