The father of my child I am sure raped me, not as in the dramatic cornered me into a bush and forced himself on me, but through a lot of twisted stuff and forced sex.

We started as friends but he always had a motive and pretend to be as nice as he could to gte close to me. We did end up having a drunken fling or two but then he changed so I pulled away from him and decided to just stay friends. He couldn't seems to handle this, he seemed to have an obsession with needing to sleep with women and play them.

He used to trick me and play seriously twisted and long drawn out mind games and spout lies at me constantly to play on my overly nice, trusting and insecure ways.

He would use these tricks to get me round his house under the pretence of friendship time but every time he wouls try to initiate sex. I would tell him no an hundred times but he would persist and kiss me anyway and start taking off my clothes and initiate foreplay even when I tried saying no and would persist until I gave in and let him get on with it.

It became a vicious cycle, with his lies and me feeling guilty somehow and being in serious denial so I kept believing his lies and going round his time and time again and he did it over and over again.

What was worse is that when I fell pregnant he used the baby as a new excuse and even forced sex out of me while pregnant.

I have never been sure if this is rape or my own fault and a common misconception.

I have refused to let him near my son, ever, and he is the biggest reason I have trust issues with men.

:(
I'm not sure if it is rape because you said in the end you finally gave in to his ways. Do you love him? And are you living with him? I don't think you should let him control you and force sex out of you like he is. It is just not right. You need to be strong and tell him to his face. Stop being nice! He is just taking advantage of you and you know that.
You can do it!!

Hello e:

It MIGHT have been rape ONCE. But, you went back. Victims of rape don't go back.

excon

But he had me so low and so down and so powerless I couldn't say no, that is what I am getting at. I had no choice but to go back, he was twisted. I only gave in as he would go on for HOURS without me saying yes and start doing it anyway, and I would just close my eyes and get on with it. Denial is a massive factor here too

I don't and never did love him, we never lived together and were never officially together, just always him doing everything he could to twist my mind into giving in to him. I mean, like proper twisted guy here

What is so appealing in him that you can't seem to find in another man that would not wear you down?

I have zero interest in him, this was nearly 2.5 years ago, I have not seen him for a year or so, I have no interest in him and have had men since. My point is I have never come to terms with this and never knew exactly what it was. He was twisted. REFUSED to EVER take no for an answer and I had heard of marital rape and wondered if it was technically the same thing. He seriously NEEDED to get what he wanted when he wanted it or took it anyway

I'm not going to touch the rape issue because I'm not a legal expert and I'd hate to say what I think...

But I do think you need counseling. It sounds like you have some emotional scarring from this guy...

I also think you may be having trouble with the fact that you had an unwanted pregnancy and it would really help to talk to someone.

Considering your other thread I think you need to find out why you seek out and think you deserve these kinds of men. We aren't all like that I think that's pretty obvious. And no it's not marital rape, there still is some issue of violence and forcefulness for it to be considered rape. Plus like ex said you kept coming back.

How naïve and judgemental.

But it was forced... he pinned me down... that's the thing... he Wouldn't let me say no or go anywhere... had no choice but to ly there, and I have never once refused responsibility for my own child, ever.

I think this man emotionally and physically abused you. He saw a weakness in you and pushed all the right buttons. He knows how to control you. Is he quite a bit older than you?

Get some counseling, it sounds like you are falling back into the same pattern with this other guy you have posted about.
It is time you take control.
How old are you?

I am quoting my law textbook. "the crime requires a lack of consent on the part of the victim. There is no consent if the victim is unconscious or mentally incompetent or if drugs or alcohol impair the victim's judgement."
By this definition. It does not seem as though you were raped. Was there alcohol or drugs involved? If not, it would be up to a court to decide if you were mentally incompetent. Which I think you were.

But it was forced... he pinned me down... thats the thing... he WOULDNT let me say no or go anywhere...had no choice but to ly there, and i have never once refused responsibility for my own child, ever.

What do you mean he didn't LET you say no?

I found this on a website:

'Force-only' rape is usually understood to include only enough force used on the part of the abuser to control or hold his wife in position, e.g. holding down the victim by her arms or wrists to prevent her defending herself or escaping. This form of rape is common where there is a larger contrast between the physical size and strength of abuser and victim, or in abusive relationships where physical violence is infrequent or non-existent (insofar as one does not categorise sexual assault itself as a violent act). In most cases of 'force-only' rape, coercion plays a large part. The victim may also be so confused and numbed by constant emotional abuse, that she simply does not know how to act or react when sex is forced on her.

I was going on the fact he completely crippled my mind into not being able to say no, and like I said, took my clothes off and started the act anyway even when I said no and tried to get away, that is definitely not right.

I am 20, he was only a couple of years older than me.

I am always in denial about whether I need counselling, I don't walk around depressed about it but it gets me worked up form time to time as it would, but I do always fall in the same trap, but I don't think this guy is anywhere near as bad as him, this other guy is totally decent but just complicated and confusing.

He just wouldn't, that's it, wouldn't let me say no, kept at it, tried restraining me when I pushed away... etc

Then you're best to see a lawyer with your evidence.

He just wouldnt, thats it, wouldnt let me say no, kept at it, tried restraining me when i pushed away... etc

That is rape.

I don't know if I should take it to court. It was a long time ago and it's a grey area, obviously from the debate going on. I would never be able to prove it. I just needed answers.

Well you do need counseling. You are allowing this other guy to control you. You are putting his feeling ahead of yours.
You have been abused had a baby and are now allowing another guy to play yo-yo with you.
Get yourself some counseling. Being with any guy is the last thing you need right now.

Is the father of your child supporting this child?

Maybe I should, I have tried but chicken out having decided there are more people in worse situations who need the time.

He doesn't, he does pester periodically to see him but only when he wants something...

I REFUSE to let him near my child and refuse to ask for money, if I took his money he would demand to see him on principle and I don't want him anywhere near us.

He's is emotionally degrading you, and you should not stand for it. Do not be a victim. Tell him no and stand your ground. He will call you names, that's for sure, he will tell you whatever he can to get you to give into him. Just don't do it. If you want nothing to do with the guy and you can't seen yourself with him then don't give in and degrade yourself, your better than that I'm sure.

I was once involved in a relationship where they guy emotionally attacked me all the time. And it felt like every time I had sex with him, like I was being raped because I was in such disgust with myself being with him.

I would say that there is no forced entry here he didn't force you down and force you to have sex, so rape case is a no however that's not to say that he couldn't possibly get crazy enough to do that. I would get out now before it does actually happen... I'm sure you're a strong woman you can get through it, and I'm sure you don't want your son seeing what he is doing and thinking that that is an OK thing for a guy to do to a female. Just hang tough and stick to your guns hun! I'm sure if you do you will be fine! Good luck :)

You really should stay away from people like that.

Do you think the fact I was physically abused by my stepdad (not sexually but violence - punching, kicking, hitting, general nastiness and bullying) for most of my life, do you think it would be the reason why I have no backbone against men? A friend once told me that it should have made me strongwer against men, not weaker.

Possible. You add new information with every post. I do recommend some form of counselling.

Yea, maybe I should seek counselling. There was no forced entry as obviously in the end after my constant refusal and him pinning me down and refusing to let me get away I gave in, but that is just as bad I think, as he had every intention of taking it anyway, just how long it would have been for him to actually poush that one last bit further.

I know I add ned info lol. I just didn't want to write a big long post nobody would read, and to be honest, this is now making me think too much into it now so I am sorry if its all coming out!! Maybe a counseller is a good idea...

Do you think the fact i was physically abused by my step dad (not sexually but violence - punching, kicking, hitting, general nastiness and bullying) for most of my life, do you think it would be the reason why i have no backbone against men? A friend once told me that it should have made me stronger against men, not weaker.

This explains a lot. You think this behavior is normal and you feel powerless against it. But now is the time to take control
Leave men alone for a while and get some counseling.
You don't want this repeated in the life of your child. Children learn from you and if you are not handling situations properly, they will repeat the cycle.
Get some help young lady.

Yes I do think that could be a reason, however you have to be the one to break the cycle. You have to be the one that say's no more and doesn't take the abuse anymore. Being abused is not fun, and it's easy for other people to tell you what to do but you have to be the one that actually say's I'M BETTER THAN THIS. Because you are! Don't continue to fall victim to their bullsh**, an don't let your son grow up thinking it is OK to treat a woman like that!

Okay, I will take your advice on board and seek help I guess. Thank you guys :)

You are welcome. Let us know how things are going.
I wish you well

Will do, thank you x

Yes definitely let us know what is happening.
I know you can do it :) xx

What this man did was technically rape, but if you went to the police and took it to court, then you would be asked why did you go to his home after the first time he forced himself upon you, so I would assume that would mean you wouldn't get far with any charges you made.

I understand you aren't wanting to make anything of all this, however I too wonder why you didn't just stop going to his home after him forcing himself upon you.

You didn't live with him, so you were in a position to refuse to go to his home.

As for the child as the Father he could apply to have access.

I suggest you don't go anywhere near this man again, you can get a court order to stop him harassing you if he is doing this.

I agree with others here get some counselling, and I also agree you having been abused by your father has probably caused you to have a low self esteem, you need counselling regardless though because any abuse can and does often leave deep scars that you'll need to work on to eradicate them.

Good Luck.

Is this the same guy?

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/update-situation-481577.html

Nooooooooooooooo!!
Never! I have not spoken to the guy in this thread for a long time! That thread is a different guy.

I appreciate you are struggling to think how I could have gone back to him but it wsnt that simple.

I am emotionally and mentally weak to people at the best of times, and he completely abused that and cripples my head to the point for a long time I thought he was int the right, he made me feel I was in the wrong.

I was in such serious denial and in a bad headspace I didn't know what else to do, for a long time he just abused me without rape, he just pressured and pushed and carried on taking my clothes off or initiating forepaly and not letting me get away or move away. He carried on with some serious twisted games and guilt trips and played my every emotion and I wanted to believe it wasn't happening. Some of you will be un sympathetic I know but you cannot understand until you were in my shoes.

He somehow managed to convince me to come see him one last time ont the pretext of 'friends' to discuss my unborn child. I foolishly was still convinced we could raise the child as by then the actual incident had happened, I just thought it was a normal way of having sex with a 'partner' at the time... I realised a lot later it was not the case but by then I was already in the position for it to happen.

We met up to talk and he tried again, I refused, I told him I needed to throw up through morning sickness, which was truth, and tried to move away, but he wouldn't let me, he physically stopped me and started to penetrate me anyway no matter how much I said no and pulled away.

That was the last time we actually slept together, but as you can see, the whole relationship pretty much was abuse and then rape.

I do know how these situations can arise I too was in a relationship where I was forced into having sex against my will.

I was however married at the time to the person who was forcing me into these situations.

I hope you can get some counselling to help you get over these events, after all rape is rape no matter how it comes about if you say no and its ignored then its rape.