I've been dating my boyfriend for about 1.5 years. We do everything else but have sex. I've tried to push for sex but he always stops or says, "i think i hear something." He comes up with excuses every time to stop things. When we aren't about to he's always telling me about how much he wants me and how much he thinks about it and stuff.

So I guess I better give some back ground. He was married for 5 years. His wife had an affair. They are still married but he's filed and waiting for a process server to find her. I have a two year old child with another guy. My boyfriend adores my little boy. I converted and became religious. He already was. Sex before marriage is a big no no in the church but he says it isn't the reason he doesn't want to! We are talking VERY SERIOUSLY about marriage.

Any suggestions on to why he won't have sex with me?

An answer would be lovely!

Hi, Maddz311!

It can take quite a bit of patience to use this site. Sometimes responses will come right away and other times, it can take quite awhile before someone comes along to address a question.

Also, at this time of the day or night, depending on how you look at it, there aren't as many people on the site as there are at other times.

Thanks!

Hi, Maddz311!

It can take quite a bit of patience to use this site. Sometimes responses will come right away and other times, it can take quite awhile before someone comes along to address a question.

Also, at this time of the day or night, depending on how you look at it, there aren't as many people on the site as there are at other times.

Thanks!

I just noticed that quite a few people looked at it and no one said anything. :/ Sorry

Your issue is a bit more complicated than a lot of them. It can take people awhile to think of just the correct things to write and ask. But, eventually, people will respond.

I would actually like to give it a shot. But, just at the surface of it, I already feel that there might be some deeper issues involved that will take a great deal of thought on anyone's part.

Even though he says no, that religion is not the reason, that may still be the reason lurking deeply beneath his psyche. Or maybe he considers it special enough that he wants to wait? He hasn't given any hint as to why not have sex?

Is it that important to have sex with him before marriage?

***ADDED**** Maybe because he is not yet divorced?

It's nearly 2:30 here, and I must go to bed! I will look for this question and maybe a response from you when I turn on my computer after breakfast.

I'm just thinking of possible reasons here, but what if he's afraid he won't please you? Since his wife had an affair, maybe he feels she did it because she wasn't sexually satisfied with him. So maybe he doesn't want you to feel the same and he hesitates about going through with it.

Just a thought...

Hi, fisk!

That could very well be a possibility! I know that I would have difficulty and reservations about trusting a different person intimately if someone else had cheated on me.

Thanks!

Since he says it's not religion, I assume that you have ASKED him what the problem is.

However--did you ask him just after the mood was killed? Or at a time when you were both on neutral territory--like over breakfast or dinner? Did you start it with "Why do you..." or "Why don't you"? Or did you start it with "I'm concerned about..."?

HOW and WHEN you ask something is just as important as WHAT you ask.

He is still married.

I think that is a good enough reason.

So I guess I better give some back ground. He was married for 5 years. His wife had an affair.

He probably wants to get to know you first, even if it has been a year already, he probably just wants to "test the water" before he takes the plunge. It's understandable, 5 years with someone was just flushed down the toilet.

Now I've got to ask. How did you guys meet? How long was he separated from his wife when he started seeing you?

You may hate me for this but frankly I don't think you guys will make it if he didn't take time for himself after the separation, and I don't even think he did since he's not even divorced yet.

Personally I think he needed to be alone for at least a year. No relationships, no dating, just himself. He just spent 5+ years with someone and to just jump on to the next one is just not a good idea.


I converted and became religious.

This made me laugh. You want to have premarital sex and your "religious". Common' now. I know people have urges, but if your going to be religious why are you pushing sex on him?:confused:


He already was. Sex before marriage is a big no no in the church but he says it isn't the reason he doesn't want to! We are talking VERY SERIOUSLY about marriage.

You can talk about marriage but I doubt the dude will WANT to actually get married. It just seems to me that your very selfish. Why would you want to push the idea of marriage on him when he's not even divorced yet...

I'm a little lost here - you are very religious but pushing a man who is married to have sex with you.

Sex is a "big no-no" in your religion but...

He is talking about marriage but he's not divorced.

Ask him why he doesn't want to/won't have sex with you. That's the only way to know.

He is still married.

Yes and no. Being still married might be part of it. Divorce proceedings, more so with a child being involved, are a tricky thing. Even in Canada where we aren't quite as litigious. He could be afraid that, even if they are separated, your relationship could be considered an 'affair' and would be used against him.

Could say it isn't religion, but it could be. More talking is in order. Nothing that hasn't been said in this thread already. Just another person saying the same thing.

more so with a child being involved,

The child is the OP's not her boyfriend's according to her post.


Maddz311, how old are both of you? Does he have any health concerns or is he taking any medicines?

How long before you met him had he separated from his wife? How long ago did he file divorce papers and how long has he been trying to have her served? What do you really know about his divorce proceedings?

Yes and no. Being still married might be part of it. Divorce proceedings, more so with a child being involved, are a tricky thing. Even in Canada where we aren't quite as litigious. He could be afraid that, even if they are separated, your relationship could be considered an 'affair' and would be used against him.

Could say it isn't religion, but it could be. More talking is in order. Nothing that hasn't been said in this thread already. Just another person saying the same thing.


If he spends 3 minutes behind a closed door with OP he can be accused of having an affair. Whether he is or isn't is pretty much immaterial as far as division of property is involved (as well as child support and spousal support).

An affair does not make a person a bad parent in the eyes of the Court.

I don't think anything of that nature could/will be used against him.

I think he has his own reasons - which only he knows.

If he spends 3 minutes behind a closed door with OP he can be accused of having an affair. Whether he is or isn't is pretty much immaterial as far as division of property is involved (as well as child support and spousal support).

An affair does not make a person a bad parent in the eyes of the Court.

I don't think anything of that nature could/will be used against him.


True legally, but the OP had brought up the religious aspect. Having grown up in an "evangelical" Lutheran synod, I know the more conservative Christians do not even think about the opposite sex and dating until the divorce is final. The boyfriend may be very conflicted, id vs. superego.

I was addressing "Craven's" concern that boyfriend is in custody negotiations and boyfriend could be afraid an "affair" could be used against him. I wasn't referring to anything else but that one sentence, having addressed the other aspects earlier.

In this same vein in my life I have made it policy to NEVER date anyone who is legally separated OR in the process of a divorce (or, of course, married). I'm sure some slipped into the mix and I didn't realize it but I saw too much drama and heartache on the part of my friends.

My advice? Find someone single without hang ups.

I may be completely off, but he technically is not divorced YET. You mentioned his wife had an affair. It is possible that he doesn't want to have an affair as well.

Wow, I'm surprised at all the answers! THANKS!

Let me see if I can remember the questions:

Time of getting together after separation- 6 Months.

Why push sex if I'm very religious- I really would be fine if he would just say that he wants to wait. Yes, sexually I would be frustrated but I could live with it. It's the fact that he's talks about it a lot and tells me he thinks about it all the time.

Ages- I'm 20 and he's 28. My guess is you might think that he might think I'm immature. He's constantly telling me how mature I am and all that jazz. He's completely comfortable with me.

Health concerns/meds- no

Divorce questions- He finally filed just over a month ago. He's filled out the paper work multiple times but he was living in a different state for a while. The trying to serve has taken place since filing. He also waiting because she kept telling him she would file with him but only on her time and if she knew him and I weren't talking. (we've lied to her) She thinks we aren't talking but she hasn't met up with him to do anything.
What do you mean what do I really know?

How I asked- I think I've asked both ways... Idk though. Maybe times it has been after the mood was killed.

He's told me (we tried to talk about it last night over the phone) that he's afraid of getting me pregnant... this is a legitimate reason but we've had condoms... and I said that. But he said that he's afraid I'll leave him. Which I totally understand but why talk about ti so much?

OH and I believe someone said something about pushing marriage on him when he isn't even divorced yet... NOT THE CASE. I didn't talk about marriage first. HE DID. So... I am not pushing it on him. At all.

OH and.. The child is MINE... the marriage is HIS... I think I got it all.

Thanks again everyone!

Oh and also with the affair stuff. CO is a no fault divorce... so I don't think that having an affair makes a difference

This man is fresh out of the marriage. There is no way he ought to be talking marriage or anything at this point.
I think he still has feelings for his wife.
That or he and his wife had sexual problems and that is why she cheated. Maybe he has ED or has some sexual hang ups.(I'm not excusing his wife by any means)
At Any rate, he is not ready for a relationship. It is really too soon and too much drama. That could be his problem too. Too much hidden stuff going on.

To add he is just filing papers a month ago on her terms. Or is he just saying that but is having a hard time letting go. Yes, legally he is still married.

It seems kind of strange how he would wait around for her. Hmmm, that is awfully weird.

As far as all the things he is saying. They are words, but his actions say otherwise.

He could have filed for divorce anytime he wanted to with or without her so that is just yet another excuse in my own opinion.

I agree, too early for another relationship for him. Maybe secretly he is trying to hold on to both.

Still married don't love u love the other

Oh and also with the affair stuff. CO is a no fault divorce... so i don't think that having an affair makes a difference

I didn't mean anything with legal issues. I mean that it is a possibility that he may FEEL as though it would be an affair

I think his heart is still in that marriage.

You've been together with him a year and a half, and as you said, done everything but have sex, which I presume to mean having sex without intercourse. Correct me if I'm wrong, but if you are naked in bed with this man fooling around, intercourse is only a small part of what you already do.

What has taken him so long to get the divorce going. And why do you have to keep it a secret with him from his wife that you are seeing each other. I presume that there was a legal separation right?

If you have had a committed relationship for a year and a half, and he is still dragging his heels and following orders from his wife, this man is not free.

He's not a virgin, nor are you; are you really sure that lack of intercourse is the problem?

If he is still in touch with her, why couldn't he find her. Another excuse?

Do you live with him?

I'm not sure what's up with this guy. He is either still attached or seeing his wife, or he has another woman on the side that he wishes to remain 'faithful' to, or he's stringing you along because he is needy and can't stand on his own two feet.

Pretty much guessing here, but after a year and a half, he's not over her, and his claims of divorcing her seem suspicious to me.

We want the divorce to go as smoothly as possible. If she knows we are together then she won't just sign and let things go quickly. They contact each other through email (which he has given me access to) There was no legal separation. (it as much as a divorce and you have to wait a year after legal separation is final to file for divorce).

Yes, we've had oral sex and all that jazz and intercourse is the only thing missing. What do you mean that lack of intercourse is the problem??

We don't live together but we are together every day until about 2 am (average).

With his "claims" I was really worried that he was just claiming it.. but I have called the court and he has indeed at least filed and I also saw the receipt from the court house

As far as the pregnancy concern:

I was using THREE forms of birth control correctly when I got pregnant with my daughter.

The ONLY way to prevent pregnancy is to not have intercourse.

Fear of pregnancy ALONE is a valid reason for not having sex.

Thank you for that information.

What I meant was, he can't say that he's saving himself from having sex until you are married, or that he has religious reasons to suddenly stop having sex. The two of you are already having sex.

Does he live by himself then? Have you ever been to his home?

I just have an uneasy feeling about this, and can only say that I hope you take things slowly with him.

I also find it odd that he never got a legal separation, at least to divide assets, bank accounts, cars, maybe a house etc. He certainly didn't need her permission to protect himself in that regard.

How do you think this is all going to work out. And have you had questions yourself about him?

We want the divorce to go as smoothly as possible. If she knows we are together then she won't just sign and let things go quickly. They contact each other through email (which he has given me access to) There was no legal separation. (it as much as a divorce and you have to wait a year after legal separation is final to file for divorce).

Yes, we've had oral sex and all that jazz and intercourse is the only thing missing. What do you mean that lack of intercourse is the problem???

We don't live together but we are together every day until about 2 am (average).

With his "claims" I was really worried that he was just claiming it.. but i have called the court and he has indeed at least filed and i also saw the receipt from the court house

That still does not clarify why it took him ONLY a month ago to just file for divorce. Still does not make sense. You can sugar coat it and reassure yourself all you want but there needs to still be some solid answers on why he waited so long.

We want the divorce to go as smoothly as possible. If she knows we are together then she won't just sign and let things go quickly. They contact each other through email (which he has given me access to) There was no legal separation. (it as much as a divorce and you have to wait a year after legal separation is final to file for divorce).


So you two were lying about being together for a year and a half so she would not get mad? Sounds there are still some feelings there on both ends. If she cheated and didn't want him why would she be upset that he is dating someone?
There is a lot of stuff going on that does not make sense. Maybe he has still been involved with her until he filed a month ago. Too much drama and red flags here.

If he had legally separated from her two years ago, he could be divorced by now. (Six months before you and a year and a half after you came into the picture). The cost involved would have been minor compared to sneaking around behind her back and now having to track her down. Does he have a lawyer?

I, too, wonder why she would care who he is dating unless your relationship with him began while they were still trying to get back together. Something that is common in the first six months or so after a separation. Somehow, I get the feeling that the marriage, cheating, and separation is not as clear cut as he might want you to believe.

If you are now 20 years old, you were 18, maybe 19, when you got involved with him and already had a child (who I hope has a biological Daddy who supports and loves him). How long were you single before you got involved with him? I hope you haven't been ignoring warning signs because you are scared to be on your own. How much of what he is telling you is what you want to hear?

Pregnancy is a huge concern. Synnen told you her story. We have other members who have gotten pregnant while using birth control.

still married dont love u love the other


What?

Maybe he doesn't want the responsibility of a child (if OP gets pregnant) OR maybe OP has said she used because and STILL got pregnant and that is a problem for him - what if?

I see too many flags. However, I like the frankness of OP.

If I were OP I would pull back, way back. If he cares for you now when he's married he'll care for you later when he's divorced.

Too much drama, too many complications. I wouldn't put myself through this. Life is complicated enough!

He has abandonment issues. I think that is the key here.

A have a bit of a nebulous explination and I will try to get it out as concisely as possible.

He had a wife, and he was madly truly deeply in love with her. It was good... until she started cheating on him. He probably would have forgiven her for it if she had asked just right. He couldn't deal with that betrayal from her so he left her. He still has strong feelings for her, he doesn't want to give up what he had yet. He is done grieving that relationship just yet.

You enter onto the scene and he has the flush from a new relationship, but he feels subconsciously still attached to his estranged wife. He feels, subconsciously, like he is cheating on her now. Consciously he knows it is over and all that is left is the clean up.

Now with you, he cares about you greatly, but he is still licking his wounds from his marriage. He is cautious about how much he commits to the relationship. He is afraid to give too much of himself because you might leave and the emotional trauma would be too much.

I think he is afraid that you'll leave him and this is him way of making sure that when that happens he isn't hurt by it.

Just a thought I got when reading the last post on page two.

Also pregnancy is also a libido killer. Have you guys had the 'What if I use three forms Birth Control and still get pregnant, what will we do with the child?' talk?

I think the important thing here is that he is hurting and you are the healing factor in his life. This might get rough for a little bit, IE he might rebound on you. If you care for him, stick by his side. Prove that you're not going to leave him.

Good luck!