I have been sort of seeing someone older than me off and on but we have since gone our separate ways. We are in contact again and he keeps telling me he wants to see me, but always has reasons he cannot, though I don't doubt these reasons sometimes I feel they are being used to cover the truth.

He keeps cancelling our plans but insiting he wants to see me and cares for me and then arranges for more opportunities for us to catch up, even by text, but they seem to be falling apart too... I just don't know now if he is just trying to be nice and find subtle ways to let me down gently (despite it all being his idea) or if he is genuine (despite always letting me down and coming back with reasons...

How do I know if I am just being naïve and too trusting and stupid or if I should still hold on?

I'm a big fan of trusting those gut feelings,if a guy wants to see you,he will,he won't keep cancelling,but he may try and keep you in the wings.

Could he be married? Or have a girlfriend? A player? If none of those are true,I would still be inclined to kick him to the curb and move on.

He has LOT going on with both his mum and dad in serious health issues and works a lot. He is not married and I assume still single but I have always been confused by him. He leaves my life a lot as he cannot seem to deal with a lot going on at once and we always meet a bad times it seems. He keeps insisting he wants to see me though and says that as we both want to see each other then it will happen but then seems to go back on it a lot. I hate distrusting people and have always put blind faith in people even when they have done appalling things to me I seem to be inclined to stick by them, maybe I just don't like admitting truth and trusting myself.

I don't want to tell him to leave me alone in case he is being genuine but I don't want to keep being so faithful, after all I seem to be doing a lot of the chasing at the moment.

Quick way to find out is to stop calling or texting him, and if he calls or texts you and makes any reference to getting together, tell him you're not going to make plans unless he's sure he won't cancel.

In other words... back off... and call his bluff. Don't make any moves.

That is probably a good idea. I tend to text ever couple of days to say hi and when I worry and stress I get all flappy and say silly things in texts and then back track... last time I told him I still had feelings and didn't think it was a good idea, and then got confused in the conversation when we were talking and then said I would meet him... Thinking back on it I could not even make sense of if he was trying to convince me too or to not, but then made susequent plans... Argh... anyway... you are right, I shall just stop getting myself worked up so much and let him make the next moves. Thanks. X

He may be busy with his life , we all are , but if he really wanted to see you he'd make the time.

Problem is , your making excuses for him , and by continually texting etc. he knows he has you at his beckoned call and really doesn't need to make an effort until it suits him.

Stop texting him , then if he really wants to see you he'll have to make an effort.

Good advice :)

I am getting a lot of mixed signals from my ex. He keeps asking to see me and has recently indicated feelings and regret over losing me, sort of and seems to be sending very positive signals to wanting to be with me. He rang me drunk last night and was very lovely, told me he wanted me and indicated toward more intimate contact and used a lot of lovey dovey talk etc, but today he won't answer my text.

I am so confused about the signals I am getting or if I am just worrying too much and cannot see the truth in front of me.

He does not live locally and has a lot going on in his life too

I am getting a lot of mixed signals from my ex. He keeps asking to see me and has recently indicated feelings and regret over losing me, sort of and seems to be sending very positive signals to wanting to be with me. He rang me drunk last night and was very lovely, told me he wanted me and indicated toward more intimate contact and used a lot of lovey dovey talk etc, but today he won't answer my text.

I am so confused about the signals I am getting or if I am just worrying too much and cannot see the truth in front of me.

He does not live locally and has a lot going on in his life too
I'm not confused.

drunk = lovey-dovey
sober = no contact

Stay away from him.

Is this the same person: https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/how-do-know-if-he-genuine-trying-spare-feelings-476455.html?

But he does contact me when he is sober, we speak quite often and he did send mild subtle signals when he was sober and we were talking, and indicated feelings when he was sober but when he was drunk he was more forward.
It's just the now not replying that is confusing me.


Yes it is, its all just confusing, its so up and down and back and forward and etc etc, I'm just all over the place, each day seems to indicate a new feeling or progression or back step so the story keeps changing and I'm at a loss


At first I thought he was trying to spare my feelings but now I don't think he is, I just don't know what's going on now.

yes it is,

This thread will end up being merged with the other one. Please, keep your questions regarding this 'relationship' in the same thread. It makes it easier to follow the story and to give the best advice we can based on the facts. It also keeps all of the advice given in one place and we can see what has been said and the responses given. You get more and better advice that way.

No sense adding confusion over who responded in which thread to the mix. :)

Okay :) that maks sense :)

Sorry to say, but he's just drunk talking.

Why would you even want to get back with someone who is so "on-again; off-again"?

If you want to be happy you need to go total NC and move on. He's just not the one.

I did the NC with him but it seems like it's not a NC situation. Surely someone who always seems to have too much going on in his life but genuinely cares has reason to be confused too? Nobody is perfect are they, and could it not be that he just doesn't know what to say or do right now, it is a tricky situation, but maybe alcohol brings out his more open side at the mometn, he did text back in the end but it was just standard chat.

You should take a look at my thread, my ex is all hell confused, and therefore I got dumped, even though it wasn't me that drove her away (well at least that's what she says... ) but she broke up with me, but keeps contacting me, longest that we haven't talked is 6 days, which was after I ignored 2 days of her sms's and calls, she waited 6 days, and I picked up (regretfully). She gave me hope saying that she was going to fly here (long distance relationship), and then ended up not. She has done this twice in less then a week. Indecisive to the max.

And honestly, the only times I hear from her is when she is down (most of the time) for emotional support... After the last 3 weeks of heartbreak, it seems to have finally been drilled into my head, no contact.

Good luck with working it out, you can feel happy that there are others around you that are going through the same thing, some people just are indecisive at certain points in their life.

I'm sorry to hear about your dilemma, and I really hope NC works for you and you find someone :)

I just don't want to give up, that's my reasoning. We had such a strong connection and there were real feelings between us and it didn't end because of an issue with us, but it is a very complicated thing to hope for an us, I just wnt answers I know I'm not going to get unless I see him, but that seems to be half the problem, whether he will let me see him after he keeps asking to see me and then it goes wrong.

I don't want to go NC again so soon, I don't want to give up like I said, but I just don't know what to think.

That's what I'm getting at, I am in a similar situation, I've just had to accept it, and get through it one day at a time. I got the mixed messages, she actually TOLD me that she was going to fly here to sort this mess out and get back together, then a few days later changes her mind, while barely talking to me, unless it was convenient for her.

I've realised that me talking to her as often as I was isn't helping anyone. I understand your situation is different, just saying that nothing is ever really just black and white in life and there are always things unsaid, but you need to know where to draw the line and cut your losses.

Don't get my wrong, I still have hope (because I am completely in love with my ex still) but I'm also realistic.

Yea, I can see your point, like you said, one day at a time I guess then, just wait and see what he has to say/do. I'm just not going to push it anymore now, just going to take a back step and watch from a distance I guess and hope for the best.
Good luck xx

I just don't want to give up, thats my reasoning. We had such a strong connection and there were real feelings between us and it didnt end because of an issue with us, but it is a very complicated thing to hope for an us, i just wnt answers I know i'm not going to get unless I see him, but that seems to be half the problem, whether he will let me see him after he keeps asking to see me and then it goes wrong.Is this the same guy that you say raped you and is the father of your child?

Elle, how old are you?
How old is he?
Is he the father of your child?

No this is not the same guy and not the father of my child.

I think you need to leave this guy alone. If he wants to talk to you, be open with you, he will.
This constant back and forth with your feelings is not good. You need to worry more about your state of mind than his.

Leave him alone. If he wants to contact you and be mature in his dealings with you, he knows where you are.

Elle, having read your legal question as well as these merged questions, I think you need to take a step back from all romantic relationships and develop one with yourself and your child.

I think you need to learn how to like yourself. Once you can do that it won't matter what games they play. You will be able to send your own clear cut message of enough is enough. "Be clear with me or go play with someone else."

Both of the relationships you describe are not healthy for you or for your child to grow up in/around. Let yourself heal from the past. Rebounds and confusion often happen when a person doesn't take time to get rid of the baggage between relationships or feels like they deserve the treatment they are getting.

Don't get back into a relationship with someone unless the past issues which lead to the break up have been dealt with. Don't stay with someone who treats you as less than an equal.

I, too, think counseling would be a good idea. Counseling is learning how to deal with the past and keep from repeating the same cycle over and over again. It is a place to get out all of the feelings you have bottled up without being judged. You might also want to look into support groups where you can meet people who have through what you have. Knowing you aren't alone can help a lot.

Thank you, your advice is definitely sinking in. I can see how I am worrying people but I assure you I am okay, I jut get worked up easily, but like you said counseling would be a good idea, as would support groups, so I can learn to have more respect for myself and deal with the past, I act on it too much and that's not healthy for me or the genuine guys around me.

I would like to point out that I have an amazing relationship with my son, really. Despite my lack of respect for myself I have never let anyone near him who would dare treat him wrong or give him bad habits, I am far too wary of that happening, I won't let his father near him after what he did and does and he is an amazingly happy and settled baby boy, I promise you that, please do not judge my parenting skills on this, he is my world and I will give him every chance to have a happy life :)

Thamk you guys xx

I wish you the best young lady.
Get some counseling, I think it will do wonders for you. Keeping yourself emotionally healthy and happy makes you a healthy and happy mom.
Take care of yourself and keep us posted.

I think you have a good start on a more self-assured path. Remember that even if you don't allow the problems to be close to your son, he will pick up on them as he gets older. Children have a way of knowing more than we want them to. I think counseling will also help give you the tools you are going to need to be able to answer your son's questions about his father.

Good luck and best wishes for happier days ahead of you. :)

All I see with this guy are red flags, and with you... false hope. You really do need a life that makes you happy, not confused.

I'm not confused.

drunk = lovey-dovey
sober = no contact

Stay away from him.

I afree with all stay away from him... long distance relationships never work...

...long distance relationships never work....Never say never. Mine wife started as an LDR.

I once had a boyfriend... he went to Arizona to go to work for avionics... I begged him to let me go cause I was an aircraft machanic... they needed an aircraft machanic too... he said he was just going up there for 6 months and coming home... ofcourse he buttered me up and said he needed someone to stay behind for a while to take care of his kids and the house... he went on to tell me that he was going to have all this money when he got back and that I was going to be getting his check... I was his girlfriend for three years and I raised his kids for 1 year cause we both got laid off and he went into depressed mode... so I went and worked cash jobs and got back on my ssi... I took responsibility of the kids glasses clothes for school meals and anything a teen would need... the youngest went back to him mamas... he was only there for the summer.. I paid for school fees and football fees and went to his games while he sat at home on the playstation a 42 year old man... I understood but he was depressed and so I gave him time it took a year for his job to call him back with a job in phoenix... his son went back to his mothers house due to lack of respect for the both of us... there were lots of family problems and I did the best I could to hold them together... well while I was putting all this time and energy for this little family of mine he was in Arizona with someone else... it wasn't till I started noticing others in a room and heard whispers on the phone while we were talking. Well turns out... he came home one weekend and just told me he didn't want me any more... then we broke up... he went back and I went and met someone else two months later and he came home I told him I was dating someone... well guess what... he broke down and said I was cheating on him... I said but you told me you didn't want me anymore do you honestly think I was going to be your girl and still stay here and be told you weren't going to be with me... I respected his house I didn't bring the man to spend nights or anything like that... I was paying the house note and living there... his dad was living in a camper outside the house so we both pitched in with the bills. OK well he requested his check was sent to him earlier that year... well I moved out of the house got my own place just to find I was getting into another mistake, the point I am trying to make is leave him alone... this man did the same to me... but we physically lived together for two years and were together for another year after he went to work in another state... he also told me things like I want to marry you... you have done a lot for me... you are a good woman... and I just want to be with you for the rest of my life... well I believed it was going to be like that... it didn't turn out that way... lamsacms (laugh at myself and call me stupid)... you never know what he is doing hun... did you two have a life together physically?. did you know him and his heart? Did you feel you could trust him when you first got together? What did he do to make you not trust him? You are right for getting these mixed emotional feelings follow your warnings in you heart... leave this man alone and give yourself some time to heal and find someone else you can trust and love... you got to be patient and wait for love... love will find you... and it found me not to long ago... but to get to the right man... I married the man I met after the relationship above... stay with him for 7 years... then left him 2 years ago for emontional abuse and sometimes rarely physical abuse... my point is sometimes wait... there is always something better around the corner... that don't mean wait forever... go out and try relationships... the way I found out if a man was really interested in me is I didn't have (sex) with him until I was ready and if he couldn't understand that then I told him to go find someone else cause I am not a ragdoll... don't pick me up and play with me and put me down when you get tired of me and when you find out another wants me then start coming around and trying to be with me... I hope this helps and if I am wrong in some areas let me know... I have no problem admitting to wrongs...

but he does contact me when he is sober, we speak quite often and he did send mild subtle signals when he was sober and we were talking, and indicated feelings when he was sober but when he was drunk he was more forward.
It's just the now not replying that is confusing me.


yes it is, its all just confusing, its so up and down and back and forward and etc etc, I'm just all over the place, each day seems to indicate a new feeling or progression or back step so the story keeps changing and I'm at a loss


at first i thought he was trying to spare my feelings but now i don't think he is, i just don't know whats going on now.

Elle... I didn't see the rest of the question... but like I said... it is not safe... he will not come around... granit some say that the truth comes out when he is drunk... but for some not for all... he is only into you when he is drunk? That is no life... but sometimes he is into you when he is sober... sounds like to me that he is with another at the times that he sober and when something don't work out with that woman then he comes running back to you... sometimes we get men and women who never sees the real us until it is too late... here is what I would like you today... pick a day any day... set a day aside for only you... I know this is hard try to let him go for one day and take this day and only do for yourself... if you have kids... see if they could go somewhere else just for a couple hours... I promise you you will feel a little better and start trying to think of the things you could do in a being single without having to worry about what will he think if I do this will I get accused if I went out dancing or treat myself to dinner... I promise you will be all right... it takes time to heal and it is hard cause during this time that is when time goes buy the slowest... the hardest to get over is not having that person around... you might be older than I am I don't know... but all I can say is I am 37 and been through two marriages and 4 boyfriends ( two years or 4 through each relationship)... now after all that pain I went through I finally met a man I could fully trust around other women... and to tell you the trueth in my marriage I couldn't trust the woman or the man... but I have always seemed to make the friends with the wrong women as well... cause in the end I always found out they slept with my man at that time... so my man I got now... we been together for 2 years now and he is my everything... yes I loved my husband with everything I had... with all my heart and soul... I have 4 tumors on my brain... I am on ssi... I try to make myself go to work but I can't do it for very long... so I find myself back on ssi and vice versa... it nearly killed me to leave him but I wasn't going to be verbally physically abused and cheated on anymore... I knew what it would be like but I told myself I would rather hurt without him rather than hurt with him... cause the hurt with him will have been longer than rather without him... try to get him out of your mind... if you are in love with him... tell yourself he is not good for you... in a situation like this your heart and your mind is not working together... or it could be the other way around... ask yourself this question... do you want to be miserable with a man with a few hours of happiness till he decides he to ignor you or do you want to be happy all the time with someone... but what I think you would want to do is learn to be happy by yourself... I always say a man must make a life for himself before he should start thinking about a woman... a man like that is hard to come by... after all this time... I finally found someone who actually made a life for himself first before he met me... granit I am 37 and he is 27... there is a ten year difference... and I was first skeptical about it telling myself what am I getting myself into... so I put him through several test without telling him... he passed... so I surrendered my heart to him several months after we were dating... and here we are two years later... post me if I am wrong on something's I always like to explain my wrongs and I always admit to my wrongs... you take care and I hope everything works for you the way you hoped them to be... gods blessings

Sorry to say, but he's just drunk talking.

Why would you even want to get back with someone who is so "on-again; off-again"?

If you want to be happy you need to go total NC and move on. He's just not the one.

What is NC


Thats what i'm getting at, i am in a similar situation, i've just had to accept it, and get through it one day at a time. I got the mixed messages, she actually TOLD me that she was going to fly here to sort this mess out and get back together, then a few days later changes her mind, while barely talking to me, unless it was convenient for her.

I've realised that me talking to her as often as i was isn't helping anyone. I understand your situation is different, just saying that nothing is ever really just black and white in life and there are always things unsaid, but you need to know where to draw the line and cut your losses.

Don't get my wrong, i still have hope (because i am completely in love with my ex still) but i'm also realistic.

Listen to him elle...


Is this the same guy that you say raped you and is the father of your child?

? I didn't see that... I am new here as of yesterday and I don't quite understand how to work the forums as too submit answer or quote...

NC is short for NO CONTACT!!

Some people may be a bit dissapointed at first but it is a good thing I assure you.

I went to visit my ex in the end, I spent 3 nights round his place and it was fantastic! We got on so well, and he is completely genuine and we did start engaging in a long distance relationship, but it went very wrong towards the last day.

Everything that has happened in my past hit me like a tonne of bricks and I blew up in his face and unfortunately it ended the relationship, for now it seems.

He was incredibly hurt by my actions but I then confessed what had happened in my past and he understands. Though he has a lot going in in his life as it is with a lot of health problems with his son and family he confessed that he jut cannot be emotionally involved with me right now as it is just too hard for him being spread so thin, but he has assured me he will still be a friend in my life and support me through this. He has also encouraged me to seek help from a counseller and is going to stand by me, and indicated a potential of us two getting back together again , but in words susuch as ' cannot do this RIGHT NOW' but who knows what will happen in the future, anything is possible. This is a lot coming from him I know and am so thankful for his support and insistence he isn't going anywhere, he just cannot be so emotionally involved whle I do it and that it would be a bad idea for me too as well.

I have been referred by my GP to counsellign and am also looking into private counselling too, with some fairly affordable prices if I can work out my finances.

I think the incident last week with my ex was the final kick up the bottom for me to get out of denial and I am hoping for a greta outcome as I am willing to work hard, and I am still hoping for a reconcilliation with my ex if I can ever get him to trust me again because it was incredibly hard for him to give me a chance again and I really messed it up.

Fingers crossed for me.


First session : Friday!