Am I wrong to be upset when my husband comes home at seven in the morning after calling the night before and saying that he just is going for something to eat with friends and there had been a history of cheating?
Just asking...

No your not wrong. You have every right to be upset and suspicious.

Umm No your are not wrong... He is!

Upset?
What?
Just upset?
If my hubby came crawling in at 7am with out proof that World War III had started, his bags would be packed and in the hall!

Of course you are RIGHT to be upset, and to vent your feelings and let him know that there will be hell to pay for upseting you.

He complains that I am only nit-picking...

Here is a strong enough message. Time for counseling or time for a divorce and move on.

You have every right to be upset that your other half is spending nights away!

You and him really need to have a good long talk about where you and him are going in the marriage that you are both in, time for some straight talking on both sides... You need to express to him the way he is making you feel, but you also need to listen to things that he has to say too.

Try sitting down together over a meal and have a good long honest talk...

Am I wrong to be upset when my husband comes home at seven in the morning after calling the night before and saying that he just is going for something to eat with friends and there had been a history of cheating?
Just asking...


UHUH that's not good if he has cheated try and let him down easy! Start with that!:D

It is not possible to have a reasonable talk about our relationship.he accuses me of painting him black and that he cannot do anything right in my eyes.So far,he has not expressed remorse about the affair or made any steps towards a reconciliation.I have told him that we are heading to splits-ville and I think that he seems happy with that.But I did ask him to refrain from any closer contact to other women until we are divorced.

Like he really is going to listen to that. You obvously already know what he is capable of. Think it is time to get the process started the faster the better. No remorse, doesn't care. He is ready to move too.

It is not possible to have a reasonable talk about our relationship.he accuses me of painting him black and that he cannot do anything right in my eyes.So far,he has not expressed remorse about the affair or made any steps towards a reconciliation.I have told him that we are heading to splits-ville and I think that he seems happy with that.But I did ask him to refrain from any closer contact to other women until we are divorced.


Look just file for divorce no matter what it takes

But I did ask him to refrain from any closer contact to other women until we are divorced.
Very few cheating men will abide by that request when divorce is already in the wind.

So far, he has not expressed remorse about the affair or made any steps towards a reconciliation. I have told him that we are heading to splits-ville and I think that he seems happy with that.
You have all the answers you need from him. Now is the time to make the wind blow faster, so to speak. Take this relationship apart as quickly as possible for your own mental health. Any delay is only more opportunity for you to get further hurt.

I asked him if he wanted divorce and he tried to change the subject but I kept on asking and finally he said that he doesn't know.

i asked him if he wanted divorce and he tried to change the subject but i kept on asking and finally he said that he doesn't know.
Don't ask anymore. Make it happen instead. Start by calling someone to help you... a friend, a family member, someone. I hate to say it but its either that or be his doormat for the rest of your married life. Your choice here. There is no magic third option, sorry.

Beanster,

Val has put it so perfectly. There is no majic third option.

Beanster, I am so sorry for this rough road you are on, but from where I sit, the sooner you get off this road, end this emotional torture, you will be on a much better and happier road.

I wish you strength to get through this, courage to stand up for yourself, and to be blessed with the knowledge that not only should you not accept this, the power is in your hands not to accept it any longer.

Of course it's not wrong for you to be upset. Just what the hell (besides the obvious) is he doing staying out until 7AM? Having a 12-hour meal out with his "friends?" Come on, now!

Go to court and file the papers. Please do not be niave. Sounds like excuses are being made now. Eighter you want a divorce or not. If you do go to the courts to file papers. Reason for divorce. Adultery.

Simple.

I know marriage is supposed to be for a life time. Marriage is through sickness and health and rich and poor. There are exemptions to this rule especially when he decided to cheat on you.

Joe

I am asking because this has happened many times before,actually,ever since we were together.He would go to the bars after work without telling me where he is going or when he is coming back but staying out all night is since about six months which is when I uncovered his affair.I think that he is not cheating with only one woman but several.I also just looked up "narcisstic personality" and it fits him to the T.

I am glad to hear you have filed for divorce...

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/marriage/now-what-38899.html

Good luck.

No,I filed for adjustment of status so I can work.

File for divorce. Go to your doctor and get tested for hiv/aids and hepititus and others. Then move on. I do not understand why you are still with this person.

Joe

Because I could not work!I am German and he is American.My status had not been adjusted as I had no money for the fees and the paralegal and my husband didn't give me the money but complained that I did not work and on and on it went.But once I have the permission to work I will file for divorce.

Once you have permission to work. You need to file divorce now. Filing for divorce. There are lawyers there are programs to help people have legal advice for low or no income earners. All your doing is procrastinating but all of this is you and your decisions alone how to handle each situations. Good luck with everything. Let us know how everything is.

Joe

i asked him if he wanted divorce and he tried to change the subject but i kept on asking and finally he said that he doesn't know.


My thoughts are that he DOES know, he just doesn't want to be the 'bad guy'. Hes probably waiting for YOU to make the decision so its not 'really his fault'...

That's just my first impression with what his responses are to you. He seems to not want to take responsibility for his actions, and wants to avoid making decisions for your marriage...

i asked him if he wanted divorce and he tried to change the subject but i kept on asking and finally he said that he doesn't know.

Well tell him if he won't take you sireoucly your leaving and go and live with a close reletive make him realise how lost he is without you!

I have to wait until I get the papers from immigration.I cannot make any decision until then.As it is based on being married to him,I need his cooperation but then I can look for a job and make my own decisions.

Sounds like your relationship is heading to splits-ville unless you both take some serious steps towards mending the relationship. He may be offended (whether he is or isn't up to no good) at the way you are confronting him about the issue, and even though you may be super nice about it, it just might not be the right approach. You may think you're handling it well but on his end it may be nit-picking. I highly recommend counseling. Also it might sound very cliche' but the infamous book "Men are from Mars....." has a lot of information regarding the way you talk to someone and how they perceive it. If he is cheating, or you suspect he is, the last thing you want to do is point the finger, he will clam right up into defense mode and you'll get nowhere. After you're after that hump, the next is to get him to talk and go from there. If he IS cheating and you think the relationship is mendable, there is a reason for cheating. The reason someone cheats is because they're not getting everything they want in a relationship. Whether its passion, sex, communication or more frequent trips to the movies, there is something lacking. So if you can get him to communicate with you enough to talk over the out-all-night incidents and what's really going on I think you'll be able to get him to talk about what his needs are. I'm sorry to hear about your hubby trouble. I hope my advice helps, and once again I strongly recommend a counselor.

I had an interesting talk to an old friend of his and learned about a girlfriend he had many years ago where the same thing happened:first big love and then anger,violence and throwing of furniture.It seems it is not so much my fault as more an inability on his part to be realistic and work things out in a sensible manner.It makes me feel better.

It is not possible to have a reasonable talk about our relationship.he accuses me of painting him black and that he cannot do anything right in my eyes.

I speak from experience when I say that his response it just a way to turn the tables, and make it your fault instead of accepting responsibility for his actions.

Maybe you should go out with friends and come back at 7:00 the next morning and see how he reacts after doing that a few times

I tried to talk to him and he also paints his old girl friend in black.So funny as he accuses me of doing that.

Typically the accuser is the one who is actually guilty. If he puts the pressure on you then your going to spend all your time and energy defending yourself (although you have no reason to) instead of focusing on what he's doing wrong.

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He reason someone cheats is because they're not getting everything they want in a relationship. Whether its passion, sex, communication or more frequent trips to the movies, there is something lacking.

Show me a relationship that is perfect... I am lacking in the relationship,too,and so do most people in theirs but we do not consider cheating as an option.