MY girlfriend broke up with me and moved out. It was a about a few week period where you could tell she was on thin ice. I needed to change and didn't hear her out. She eventually left and talking has been very sparce!

ITs been 2 weeks. We tried talking normal and even had to very brief meetings where she did kiss me and we shared some tears. Today I normally walked with her to the university but she had a buddy tell me she is not going to do that. I ended up texting her, and she started getting very frustrated and screaming for space. Saying I'm all talk and no walk.

The relationship was a little controlling on my end and I did take advantage of her after 6 yrs of being together. This break up is killing me! She did say more then once and to others she does want to get back together and does not want to see other people! She just wants to find herself again, because she lost that with the unhealthy relationship , and that is very true..

Im just so scared I'm going to lose her forever. Today was the first day she basically flipped. She told me no more notes, no more texts nothing! She still refused to say it was over, and even said in a very frustrated tone she does want it to work she is just screaming for an oppurtunity to miss me!

I am starting to question myself how true that is because of how frustrated she was today I feel like she will forget about me and enjoy that space more then us. I did do research and some self improvement to find out where this went wrong, and I saw how well we used to treat one another, and that trust issues led to the fall, but the break up has been hard with her moving out and very scarce talking and now she is basically demanding none about the relationship

Like I said it went from little talk seeing and kissing and her saying she does want this to work eventually to her getting frustrated because of space! I'm not so confused because I know she needs her space! I know what I did, and I'm really improving myself because I see no women with out her in my life.

It was love, and she did say she wants it to work eventually but did I blow it already? Its only been 2 weeks, and what steps should I take from here on out. I really don't want this to last all summer!! She is not going to move back in that is established her lease is being taken over, but she does want the relationship according to her, unless my tears brought that out, but she said it to me, to others, and friends! It's a confusing situation and if any one could offer help id love to hear because I do want her back. She has my heart, and we just got lost, and I took advantage of things.


Also the talking we did was along the lines of how was your day and such! but it always turned into relationship stuff, and I really have taken every hour of these two weeks to figure this out! I'm really down and out right now. I know its early but I don't know what to believe right now or if I blew it.

If you keep smothering her then you won't get anywhere. She's telling you she wants space because you were too controlling. You admit that you were, but won't leave her be. You have to deal with this anxiety because it's something that you helped cause. If she has the space, and you have time to rethink things then it could be really good for the two of you. But don't sit and worry about things that haven't happened yet. There's no way of knowing for sure until the time comes. So give her what she wants, and see what comes of it.

I'm trying so hard. But I'm over analyzing every single thing she says, and even when she says she wants this to work I don't know how true it is. She is not a lier when it comes to stuff like that and for 6 years we truly did love one another! With her frustration today did I smother her too much already? And what should my steps be? I really don't want to lose her for months on end!!

I agree. Klap33 has serious anxiety issues.


What do you mean, you took advantage?

YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH IT. Your anxiety will push her away even further.

There's a saying, one usually runs in to the exact thing that they've been trying to avoid.

So
STOP overanalyzing
STOP calling
STOP smothering
And START being PRO-ACTIVE rather than RE-ACTIVE. You are definitely not making the situation any better by freaking out and harassing her. If it were me, I'd be feeling the same way she is.

It's kind of like when a cat doesn't want to be held, so you squeeze tighter, and then the cat struggles more. Squeezing the cat only hurts and frightens it, and when a cat feels scared they try escape, and defend. So the cat will end up scratching and biting until it gets free, and then both of you are hurt from the struggle.

Stop squeezing the cat.
They're more likely to come to you when you leave them alone anyway.

I am not lying I am going through very high anxiety! I have suffered from depression be4 as well..

I lost my father at the age of 12 and mother in the 2nd grade. I came to terms with both of them quickly but when I went away to college I slipped into heavy depression...

What I mean by took advantage is I forgot about the relationship and how to treat her. If she wanted to go home. I said no another weekend. I have plenty of examples like that. But she has said she still wants this to work she just needs me to change back to who she fell for...

Her words "when you get the chance you can't take advantage of it"

I just don't know what steps to take and if I over frustrated her already. It was a very deep relationship and the good times weere amazing no question we loved one another...

I just don't want to lose her for months, and I feel like I may have done irreprable damage already... she was frustrated today but did say in a frustrated tone that she still wants this to work! But I feel like the space will make her forget me. I'm just honestly lost.


Thank you for your help so much. This is a very hard time. I just got confused by her messages and actions. She was talking normal then bam nothing. She was in a car crying with me and talking about how she wants this to happen one day soon and take it slow then BAM nothing... then today she just kind of showed her frustration. Saying yes I still want this to work, but need space and time...

Do you believe it is to late from what it sounds?

No, it's probably not too late. But it will be if you don't take control of yourself. It's okay to be upset about her, but panicking will not help your situation. Like I said, you have to be pro-active, not re-active.

Good luck and let us know what happens.

Whenever you're tempted to be the first to make contact, try to come on here instead, we'll try to help as much as we can.

I will and thank you very much!

Is there any plan of action to take? Or a recommended no contact time? She did say she likes talking like friends but because of the smothering and inability to do that shedoesnt want to talk for awhile?

Is there any kind of course of action to take?

Thank you again for your help and I'm hears to all advice thanks again!


Its hard because I want to share everything with her. She used to deal with everything for 6 yrs the great the not so great and we never once slept about in that time we always made sure we made up! And went to sleep together. We had a rough patch 2 yrs ago and but since then its just been a relationship where overall when we were out or at home we were great when we were apart trust issues and insecurity came about and I controlled some situations I shouldn't have.

I just want her back and want to do the right things

i will and thank you very much!

is there any plan of action to take? or a recomended no contact time? she did say she likes talkin like friends but because of the smothering and inability to do that shedoesnt wanna talk for awhile?

is there any kind of course of action to take?

thank you again for your help and im hears to all advice thanks again!

First thing to do is relax and let her come to you.
Also, do your best to avoid relationship talk unless she initiates it.
If you need to talk to her, or send her a text, just tell her something funny that happened or somethiing interesting you saw. Don't make her feel pressured. If you've been together for 6 years then I highly doubt she's given up on you just yet.
Don't think so little of her, she won't just throw it away because of something that can be easily fixed. If you don't push her to the breaking point then you have a very good chance.

I get so mad at my boyfriend sometimes that I don't want to talk to him for days. If I have times to think and re-evaluate then I usually end up talking to him the next day and we work things out.

How long until I contact her at all since she showed she was frustrated today and borderline broke. She said she is so close to just throwing her hands up with this. She gave me a hug and said her intention do remain the same I just have to give her space.

I don't want to send her anything to soon, but I know tomorrow mornin I'm going to wake up feeling like I NEED to tell her something!

We got in a few huge arguments but nine times out of ten we would work it out , well at least work it out to my liking and wound up going to sleep together.


I just really don't want to lose her for the whole entire summer! and love her to death! I want this to work, and want to take the appropriate steps to show her it will be different! and the relationship with go back to whom we both fell in love with! and we could both be happy and trust one another..

Is there anything at all to help this process go about or actions to take? I really would hate to not have her for months on end

Maybe don't say anything to her tomorrow. She probably feels like she's at her wit's end. When you do talk, if she brings it up, calmly apologize to her for your reaction, and tell her that you understand. I wouldn't overwhelm her with all of your own feelings right now, because she needs to sort out her own. When that times does come, make sure you have a clear head, and make sure that you're REALLY listening to her. Not thinking about what you're going to say next, LISTEN.

EDIT: You need to simmer down, this is a message board not a chat room, you won't get instant messages here, they take time.

Patience: another thing you could stand to learn.
I'm not trying to be harsh here, you need to hear these things.

I don't think texting tomorrow would be a good idea. She was very upset today and frustrated..

I'm telling you it is scarin me losing her for months..


I just re read it... I was thinking wait a few weeks or a full week until I say anything at all.

I don't know how to make her miss me, and I don't know if what I did already with talking to her is too much that when she does get her space she is gnna move on! I haven't had the power to keep my mouth or text shut for more then 24 hrs!

i dont think texting tommorow would be a good idea. she was very upset today and frustrated..

im tellin you it is scarin me losin her for months..

Well no duh. It would scare me too (also, I did say not tomorrow)
This is the last time I'm going to repeat myself.
Over-reacting will make things worse. It's okay to be scared, but if you keep this up it will be hopeless. So CALM DOWN!

Go and do something and leave your phone at home, or in the car, or whatever. Go out with friends, have some fun, and remember what it feels like to be easy-going. It won't hurt you to take your mind off things for a little while. It sucks, but you will be okay.

I know ill be OK. I just really don't want to lose her. I'm sorry I'm making you repeat yourself! Its just crazy right now...

i just re read it... i was thinkin wait a few weeks or a full week til i say anything at all.

i dont kno how to make her miss me, and i dont kno if wat i did already with talkin to her is to much that wen she does get her space she is gnna move on! i havent had the power to keep my mouth or text shut for more then 24 hrs!

You can't make her miss you. And you need to FIND the power to keep your mouth shut.

I'm going to find a link to another thread, with a guy who was in a similar situation. He drove us all nuts. I want you to read it.

OK I will thank you very much!. I'm not trying to drive you nuts..

She even said she wants to miss me so she could get those feelings back!

I think she truly does want it to work. I'm just falling off the deep end a little. And would hate to lose her for months!

But reading this is truly helping I hope you do understand that! : )

Look at the timelines on these things.
You don't want to end up like him..

Started September
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/cant-trust-girlfriend-396130.html


This one ended in April
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/uh-ohh-ex-has-boyfriend-460849.html


That's Seven months, and he never learned a thing.
Maybe you can learn a thing or two about what not to do by reading this.

Thank you so much. Sorry for the panick. I'm going to need this time to grow myself I know that!

I am trying everything I can to fix this so communication will be better but right now I have to stop communicating with her and pray she see's a change one day.

Why won't I believe what she says about it working out and her wanting it to? I keep over analyzing! I'm going to continue to read those post they are helping my situation, but I am doing everything in my power to fix this and right now she does not want to hear it..
I don't want to lose her for months on end so badly. I understand she needs this time. I really do and I support her she is a very strong decision maker! But I want her back so bad before to long

You'll be fine. You just need to work hard a different way.you don't have to actually DO something to fix the situation. Sometimes what you DON'T do will solve everything.

You'll be fine. you just need to work hard a different way.you don't have to actually DO something to fix the situation. sometimes what you DON'T do will solve everything.

I think I love that quote!


U honestly believe from the sound of everything things will work out?

And is it impossible to put an estimated time on this? If I respect her wishes as of now.

u honestly believe from the sound of everything things will work out?

and is it impossible to put an estimated time on this? if i respect her wishes as of now.

Yes.-to all

From what uve seen with dealing with others. Is there any estimation of time if I do the right things?


I have to keep remembering she broke up with me because of my troubles.

She is a good and solid decision maker and I have to trust her that this is for the best..

She is simply asking for space. I need to give it to her. Show her I am her man..


*its weird I literally know everything I have to do. I just slip sometimes.

from wat uve seen with dealing with others. is there any estimation of time if i do the right things?

No. so don't try to estimate. Just let this run it's course. I'm not going to give you false expectations because you want a time limit. It's not realistic.


i have to keep remembering she broke up with me because of my troubles.

She is a good and solid decision maker and i have to trust her that this is for the best..

she is simply asking for space. I need to give it to her. show her i am her man..


*its weird i literally kno everything i have to do. i just slip sometimes.

Mhmm, it happens.
I don't like that term "show her I'm a man" society put an entirely different definition to that word. You are human. What you want to show her is that you know how to handle a situation, and that you can be mature and rational. Contrary to popular belief, humans are more often irrational than rational. You have to teach yourself how to be rational. You won't always make the right decisions.

Your right!.

I want to handle this right so badly. I want that trust in our relationship. We used to have it then I just got these crazy abandonement issues and depression troubles, and I never fully climbed out. We used to be a great couple. I need to believe what she says respect her space, and become that man again in the mean time. I just go through periods of heavy sadness, and snap out of it.

ur right!...

i want to handle this right so badly. I want that trust in our relationship. we used to have it then i just got these crazy abandonement issues and depression troubles, and i never fully climbed out. we used to be a great couple. I need to believe wat she says respect her space, and become that man again in the mean time. i just go through periods of heavy sadness, and snap out of it.


It would really help you if you spoke to a counselor or a Therapist.

I have.. I fought depression for 2 yrs with medication, hospitalization, and therapy. I would say I'm almost better, and this break up gave me a wake up call to my remaining troubles and issues as well...

I really hope this works out I want to share so much with her, and become that man again for her. I don't think I could make the situation any better or say anything right now but I could make it worse!.


If any 1 else would like to chime in I would respect advice from all angles.

That always seemed to help when I was at my worst with the depression. Even if you just get one piece of advice that carries over from each person that is something you didn't have before!

Like I said my ultimate goal is to get her back! She said hers is the same as well.. but her frustration today scared me

I think the best thing you can do is just give her her space. Tell her you will wait for a while, but not forever, tell her you want her to think about the relationship in a rational mind, and you do the same. Take the time to reflect on how your relationship was. What you think you can work on to make things better.

If she is frustrated than she needs time to figure things out. You said yourself you were controlling. Show her that you can let her have some time with out being stuck in her face.

Please abide by her wishes. If you really want to show her you are a man.. then leave her alone and if she comes back you'll have to show her you've changed.. Good Luck

Aurora bell how long should I wait to tell her those things?.

Today she was pretty admitment on space!

She did say she wants it to work more then once, but right now she wants space!


Thank you all again. This is really keeping me sane.

Ok, if I were you, and I may be wrong on this one, but I would call leave a voice mail if she won't answer, or even write an e mail... no text... Just say something like, I know you want your space, and I want to give you that. I will wait, but not forever. Leave it open, don't ask her how long she needs, but say I hope we can maybe go for dinner in a week or so to talk about what this break is going to lead to.

And make it short and swee, no babbling, no blaming, no talking about that night, if you want the relationship to work, you are going to have to forget about that night. End it with something like I really love you, and I hope we can work through this, I am going to take this time to think about our relationship.

If you guys do work things out, explain that you hope you guys can have an honest relationship where she or you doesn't feel that you need to lie, or fib about where you are and what you are doing. Trust.

Ok, if I were you, and I may be wrong on this one, but I would call leave a voice mail if she won't answer, or even write an e mail... no text... Just say something like, I know you want your space, and I want to give you that. I will wait, but not forever. Leave it open, don't ask her how long she needs, but say I hope we can maybe go for dinner in a week or so to talk about what this break is going to lead to.

And make it short and swee, no babbling, no blaming, no talking about that night, if you want the relationship to work, you are going to have to forget about that night. End it with something like I really love you, and I hope we can work through this, I am going to take this time to think about our relationship.

If you guys do work things out, explain that you hope you guys can have an honest relationship where she or you doesn't feel that you need to lie, or fib about where you are and what you are doing. Trust.



I can't add anything to this, because Bella said it all. Good Luclk

Aurora... I think the situation is a little more out of hand at this point...

She said she doesn't want to talk about anything having to do with the relationship at this point! She needs nothing more then space so her feelings can grow again, and so she can truly find who she is. I would love to say those things but I have reached out to her in that manner already. All that has to be said is basically out she just needs time I think.

Well I don't think I know it she has said it very blunt! I don't want to dig a deeper whole with her. We were together 6 years, and the past year has been kind of rough. I don't want it to be over, but calling her or texting her about anything at this moment and time would be very upsetting to her. When she left today she gave me a hug and begged for some trust and space cause I didn't know it but I was making the situation worse by trying to talk to her about our relationship and what could be.

That's where I get confused I don't know how long to wait or what steps are appropriate to take next with out pushing her away.

I have a friend who went through a similar break up/break where she moved out they were both in an unhealthy controlled relationship, and now they are learning why they love each other getting ready to move back in and having a kid together and happier then ever. They went a good month with out speaking through this process... Every situation is different but I do not know what steps to take. This is new to me, and I am trying to be as rational as possible, but talking about the relationship or what could be seems to upset her right now. She was very strict and frustrated when talking about the space she needs as of now... but did clearly say she does want this to work..

I was a little more desperate in wanting this to work I have done a lot thus far but need to continue to grow so this type of situation does not happen again. I asked her if I should keep pursuing this type of attitude, she said yes do, but it was all while she was frustrated. She has never once told me, a mutual friend, or friends that she wants this to be done! I still seem to question things and over analyze and that's where I lose it, and don't take things for what they are right now! I try so hard to win her back with words instead of actions!. I want to say those things but afraid that right this second calling or texting her after the way today went would look as a desperate ploy again..

Thoughts?

Well dear, if you know it is going to cause her more grief to talk, than leave it at that. No more contact. Now this is kind of the tricky part.. If you tare willing to wait a month, than give her a month. She may call you before the month is up. I guess at this point it's up to you on how long she is worth waiting for.

If you are giving her-her space, and NOT calling, texting e-mail, etc, than it may take her a week and she may know what she wants. You have to prove that you are willing to change for her. And if it's time that is going to prove that you are willing to change, than give her that time.

I know it's hard, but you just need to give her what she is asking for. Other wise you will risk pushing her farther away.

NOW, here is the BUT, you do not let yourself get played here. You need to keep your sanity in all of this. It takes two to make a relationship work. You need to stand up for what you want too. I see fault in both of you in this situation. So, if she keeps asking for more time, than you need to tell her that you need more of an answer than that. For the time being, do what she is asking, but remember it's not just you that will need to change in order to make things work. And you don't need to tell her that, but keep it in mind. Ok?

Well dear, if you know it is going to cause her more grief to talk, than leave it at that. No more contact. Now this is kind of the tricky part.. If you tare willing to wait a month, than give her a month. she may call you before the month is up. I guess at this point it's up to you on how long she is worth waiting for.

If you are giving her-her space, and NOT calling, texting e-mail, etc, than it may take her a week and she may know what she wants. You have to prove that you are willing to change for her. And if it's time that is going to prove that you are willing to change, than give her that time.

I know it's hard, but you just need to give her what she is asking for. Other wise you will risk pushing her farther away.

NOW, here is the BUT, you do not let your self get played here. You need to keep your sanity in all of this. it takes two to make a relationship work. You need to stand up for what you want too. I see fault in both of you in this situation. So, if she keeps asking for more time, than you need to tell her that you need more of an answer than that. For the time being, do what she is asking, but remember it's not just you that will need to change in order to make things work. And you don't need to tell her that, but keep it in mind. Ok?

Give it time and take the advice you've been given here. Let us know how it goes.

She did say right now she has a hard time believing there is any change when she is asking for space and I can't give it to her.

I will wait as long as she needs it. I am afraid of being played, that runs through my head a lot but like I said she has said nothing about it being over to me, to friends or anyone! She just wants some good ole time right now!

I will wait probably the rest of this week and try my hardest to force myself not to contact her. She said she wants to miss me but cant, and the image of what caused her to leave keeps being stuck in her mind because she hasn't had an oppurtunity to miss me at all.

I think I was helping but in reality I was making the situation much worse.

It has only been 2 weeks..

Good Luck klap. Keep us posted okay? And before you pick up the phone to call her or text come here and talk things out.

She did say right now she has a hard time believing there is any change when she is asking for space and i can't give it to her.

I will wait as long as she needs it. I am afraid of being played, that runs through my head alot but like i said she has said nothing about it being over to me, to friends or anyone! she just wants some good ole time right now!

I will wait probably the rest of this week and try my hardest to force myself not to contact her. she said she wants to miss me but cant, and the image of what caused her to leave keeps being stuck in her mind because she hasnt had an oppurtunity to miss me at all.

I think i was helping but in reality i was making the situation much worse.

it has only been 2 weeks..

Well goodnight and take it one day at a time and let us know. Take a few days and see how it goes and then let us know how you are doing okay>>>Goodnight

I think a few weeks is more suffecient : )... I just have to stay strong

I would wait for her to come back as long as she needed. I'm talking about contact as of now..

Thanks again to all!


I will forsure! Thank you both for your care and advice! I will definitely be using this as an outlet!. thanks again~!

i think a few weeks is more suffecient : )..... i just have to stay strong

i would wait for her to come back as long as she needed. im talking about contact as of now..

thanks again to all!

Yes you do and you will do fine.. Good Luck

No problem. Kitty said it, you will do fine. Good luck!

No problem. Kitty said it, you will do fine. Good luck!





Goodnight and let us know in a few days how you're doing. Got to go to bed now...

Does this sound like something that has an oppurtunity to still work.

It's hard to say with out her in put.

What do you mean by that? If you wouldn't mind elaborating?

She did say this is something she does want to work. Im the only one to hold her heart, and she has repeated to many others including me she just needs some space but does want us to get better. I don't think its false hope. But I wouldn't mind hearing your input : )... thanks


She even told me on her own that she has zero desire to see other people through out this she just wants space for awhile to find herself again...

Trust me I'm a little confused even with her words lol

With out actually talking to her, no one can know how she really feels. Sounds like to me she is confused, and maybe doesn't know what she wants her self.

You are a mess. That's to be expected. You want a time line? Don't contact her at all until she contacts you.

Just figure every time you do, in any fashion, will show her that you have not changed and will not even do what she asks of you and give her what she needs.

She needs the time to get over your controlling needy insecure ways. That's what she keeps telling you, but instead of acting as a mature adult male, you can't even control yourself, and its only been 2 weeks.

Get a grip, and start doing something beside freaking out because you never know when she will take that second look and see the guy who is a real man and carry himself like on and who will appreciate her.

If I were you, I would do all I can to grant her wish, and use this time apart to work on the issues you have, and get a grip on them.

You better learn fast that females are not dumb, and they will not take your word, or listen to empty promises you make to fool the into coming back and giving you what you want.

So start practicing what she wants to see, patience, being cool, calm, and collected, and quiet confidence and good humor. Show her this, when SHE is ready, and she will KNOW for herself that not only have you changed, but are better.

Only then will she be convinced that you are seriously a real man that she can trust and count on.

That's another reason you do not contact her, because you are not ready to do anything but cry, beg, and show her reasons that she broke up with you in the first place, and no way will she go back to that.

Now leave her alone and get your act together, the longer you take, the longer it will be.

And by the way chat/text is against the rules, and CAN get this whole thread deleted, and I would hate to see that happen.

Klapp33, let me ask you this.. How bad do you want her back? I imagine with what you said you want her back with you pretty dam bad. I lost my ex at the beginning of the year, why? Because the same thing, smothering. What you seriously want to do now is make her curious. She knows that your going to text or call very soon, don't. She will not miss you if you are still there. Believe me friend, it really does not seem like the right thing to do but I would take everything back to go to when my relationship ended and do this but I learned the hard way. I know this hurts really bad, Ive felt it before and did not eat for weeks. Seriously try leaving her alone and get her curiousity going and I guarantee that she will start to miss you and feel like SHE is the one losing YOU. Hang in there bud.

I love this site!. Woke up this morning for work feeling OK? I guess still thinking about her and what to say : /, but I know I can't say anything and need to respect her space!

Tala- Your absolutely correct! The relationship got ugly on my half. It used to be so good! Then we just slipped into trust issues and my turned from trust to control, but I have honestly accepted and admitted to all I have done! and tried to find where these things went wrong so I better know how to fix them next time...

She keeps saying we will get back together! and that she does want this to work that she just needs space!

So you think I shouldn't contact her even once? For any reason until she contacts me?

Sledsik! Thanks for sharing bud! I want her back more then I can explain! 6years together, and most of them great! Just hit a rough patch! I am going to listen to you and try to spark her curiousity, but I'm not going to lie, I am a little scared to do so with the level of frustration she did show yesterday!

She did still say she wants this to work even though her frustration was high, but I'm afraid by ignoring her for to to long she will forget or move on so to speak!

I just have to trust her!

I love this site!... Woke up this morning for work feeling ok? i guess still thinkin about her and what to say : /, but i know I can't say anything and need to respect her space!

Tala- Your absolutly correct! the relationship got ugly on my half. It used to be so good! then we just slipped into trust issues and my turned from trust to control, but i have honestly accepted and admitted to all i have done!, and tried to find where these things went wrong so I better know how to fix them next time...

She keeps saying we will get back together!, and that she does want this to work that she just needs space!

So you think i shouldnt contact her even once? for any reason til she contacts me?

Sledsik! thanks for sharing bud! I want her back more then i can explain! 6years together, and most of them great! just hit a rough patch! I am going to listen to you and try to spark her curiousity, but i'm not going to lie, I am a little scared to do so with the level of frustration she did show yesterday!

she did still say she wants this to work even tho her frustration was high, but im afraid by ignoring her for to to long she will forget or move on so to speak!

I just have to trust her!

If she loves you she'll wait... leave her alone for a while and don't play games' I f you keep hounding her she'll drop you completely. That will only drive her farther away.
Seriously you need to leave her alone until she makes contact. You are in the process of becoming a stalker.. don't let that happen... give her time.

I think any contact will be making a pest of yourself. So just wait and bring about change for yourself, for you, NOT her, just because YOU feel the need too!

Be warned though buddy, whatever she decides is her decision, without your influence. That's the way it has to be for it to be real, and true.

So whatever she decides, you have to cope with it, because that's the reality of life.

Personally, I think you have too much of your life wrapped up in her, for it to be healthy. So I ask you what kind of life do you have without her as that's really the key to happiness is that you are happy with yourself.

This change may take time (undoubtedly), so you either get busy, and be proactive, or sit on the pity pot and feel sorry for yourself.

I suggest you maintain some dignity, and self respect, and find ways to be happy without her, as self pity is very ugly indeed.

it would really help you if you spoke to a councellor or a Therapist.

I agree.

Klap, you need counseling. You seem obsessive and very anxious. Your anxiety is not going to just go away, but something you will have to work on all your life. You can become calmer and happier, but you have to put some work into it. This is a wake up moment in your life.

Basically, you can find constructive ways to deal with your anxiety (to self soothe), or you can continue to rely on other people to calm you down and exhaust them. You need to learn how to do this yourself so you do not drive away your friends and lovers.

Spend this time researching your particular problem. It sounds like you had a tough adolescence. The question is what are you going to do about it? Your girlfriend is probably realizing that your anxiety is bottomless and she can never make you feel better. Only you can do that.

I agree.

Klap, you need counseling. You seem obsessive and very anxious. Your anxiety is not going to just go away, but something you will have to work on all your life. You can become calmer and happier, but you have to put some work into it. This is a wake up moment in your life.

Basically, you can find constructive ways to deal with your anxiety (to self soothe), or you can continue to rely on other people to calm you down and exhaust them. You need to learn how to do this yourself so you do not drive away your friends and lovers.

Spend this time researching your particular problem. It sounds like you had a tough adolescence. The question is what are you going to do about it? Your girlfriend is probably realizing that your anxiety is bottomless and she can never make you feel better. Only you can do that.



It is a good idea to see a counselor..

I suggest you maintain some dignity, and self respect, and find ways to be happy without her, as self pity is very ugly indeed.

I agree with Talaniman on this. But I want to add that getting to this place he is talking about will be an ongoing process for you. It's something you have to keep practicing until you get it right. Not something you can just decide to do one day.

The right counselor (though maybe not the wrong one) can help you learn how to do this in a way that's healthy for you.

I agree with Talaniman on this. But I want to add that getting to this place he is talking about will be an ongoing process for you. It's something you have to keep practicing until you get it right. Not something you can just decide to do one day.

The right counselor (though maybe not the wrong one) can help you learn how to do this in a way that's healthy for you.



Honestly reading your posts have worn me out. You keep asking the same things, we keep giving the advice we think is healthy and will help you... You are way past obessed... and frankly I don't know what else to say. Here is what will happen if you do not get help. You will keep on making yourself a total uncontrollable mess and who wants that in their life?

You need to know that is probably the reason she needs space. God if you you went on and on like this every single day when you were with her.. no wonder she is tired and needs a break. I won't walk on eggshells with you anymore, because I think you are in dire need of psychiatric help.
Please get it.. and leave this girl alone until you get yourself on the right track.

asking agrees : I don't agree here. I do not think a month is too long to chill out after 6 years of intensity.

That's not what I was saying. I said it depends on how long HE feels she is worth waiting for. Obviously the OP needs to seek professional help, I just don't think he is the only one at fault here. And like I said it takes two to make a relationship work. But I did NOT say a month was too long.

asking agrees : I don't agree here. I do not think a month is too long to chill out after 6 years of intensity.

That's not what I was saying. I said it depends on how long HE feels she is worth waiting for. Obviously the OP needs to seek professional help, I just don't think he is the only one at fault here. And like I said it takes two to make a relationship work. But I did NOT say a month was too long.




If this OP has any hope at all of saving this relationship.. he needs serious professional help. I wish the girlfriend would come her and give her side of the story. The OP needs to go back and read every single thing he has posted and then he'll see how the girlfriend feels.

Bella... I agree he needs to chill out and stay away until he gets the help he needs. I'm not being unkind, I do feel pain for him. I just think he needs more than a few days away from her. Asking... what would you do if you were in this situation and you had obsessive girlfriend. You have given wonderful advice and so has Bella, but something about this relationship just doesn't seem to be all he has posted.

Woah! I know I have my problems and feel bad if I have come across wrong! And trust me I'm dealing with them and addressing the issue. The break up just happened I am emotional. I just want this girl back Im sorry if I bothered anyone, and would like to thank everyone for there help and advice as well it has helped tremendously!

I just really don't want to lose her! If that sounds bad I'm sorry but I feel as though we could work if I give her, her space, and work on self improving myself so this once GREAT relationship does not slip into the same faults...

She said herself she wants it to work just needs space... sorry for bothering any one I have just trying to get the best info I can the N.C is kind of hard but I'm doing it no problem right now with the help of you guys talking to me as well.

Thanks again!

I just think that his personality can be a bit over bearing Kitty, I agree a bit exhausting at best. Sorry Klap, but you seem a bit obsessed here. Don't take offense, relationships can do that to anyone.

We are here to help, that's why we are all here. It just seems a bit much with all the posting, but you are not bothering anyone. It's our choice to come here and read the posts. We are here to help.

NC is one of the hardest things to do, but you just need to give her what she is asking for. And it really wouldn't hurt to seek a therapist to help with these issues in the long run.

I never expected a few days help. This outlet has helped me with the no contact. Like I said she did see me a few times say nothing but good things and how she wants it to work, and even kissed me and sweet stuff along those lines. I took and inch and made a mile.

I have been going out, I have been going to work, and college classes no problem I am just hitting some anxiety and using this as an outlet... She was just admitment on space, and I am panicking a little because I know I do want her back, but in life you lose people my childhood has shown that. I will be OK if I don't get her back...

But like I said I do want her back... and she seems to share those feelings but we needed this break to get back to the same relationship we once had.

I never expected a few days help. This outlet has helped me with the no contact. Like i said she did see me a few times say nothin but good things and how she wants it to work, and even kissed me and sweet stuff along those lines. I took and inch and made a mile.

I have been going out, I have been going to work, and college classes no problem i am just hitting some anxiety and using this as an outlet... She was just admitment on space, and i am panicking a little because i know i do want her back, but in life you lose people my childhood has shown that. I will be ok if i dont get her back...

But like i said i do want her back... and she seems to share those feelings but we needed this break to get back to the same relationship we once had.

We'll help all we can. But just remember... NC and therapy. Good luck.

Klap, I just read this entire thread. Wow.

You are thinking too far ahead. Instead of thinking about days or weeks or the summer, think about today. Make it through today doing what you know you need to do to make the changes in yourself that will make you a better and stronger partner.

When you think about contacting her or find yourself repeating, 'She said she wants it to work,' (or anything else that starts your brain running around in circles) take five slow, deep breaths. Make each one last for a count of six (breath in while counting: one one thousand, two one thousand, three one thousand. Breath out while while counting four one thousand, five one thousand, and six one thousand.) Clear and calm your mind. Close your eyes if possible and if it helps.

If you aren't open to more counseling as such, how do you feel about support groups where you can talk to people who have been through what you have?

I just want to caution you that things will never be the way they were. You are both growing and changing so your relationship will too. (We don't stop changing as we go through life. Each experience affects us in some way.) Don't let it scare you into trying to hold on to the past. If/when she is ready, work together to shape the relationship to accept the changes you are both going through.

cat thank you! I am pursuing this in a manner to fix these problems.

I hope she does come back because I do want a new start. If not and if she does end up changing her mind I will be OK.

I want it to be different because it has to be. Trust = a good healthy relationship. We used to have that then over time it was lost due to some personal issues. I have taken this as a wake up call and she has told me to pursue these changes. I want to for myself, and for us in the future...

cat thank you! I am pursuing this in a manner to fix these problems.

I hope she does come back because i do want a new start. If not and if she does end up changing her mind i will be ok.

I want it to be different because it has to be. Trust = a good healthy relationship. we used to have that then over time it was lost due to some personal issues. I have taken this as a wake up call and she has told me to pursue these changes. I want to for myself, and for us in the future...



I agree that things will never be the same... To be different you have to face your problems, which you have admitted and get help. You need to post here whenever you want to. It helps to vent to people you don't know. I hope we can help you. Blessings... Kit:)

I did not spark any conversation today. She did however...

I left her mail on her car for class nothing more thought id be nice!

She said thanks for mail I said your welcome back..

She said OK have fun with the weather!

I said OK going waterskiin!

She yelled at me to stretch jokingly I said maybe jokingly...

She said "I always know best! ttyl : )"

I said that you do, can't argue that!"

I was going to ignore her but felt that to be immature and it seemed the conversation went well. I don't want to drive myself crazy and read anything to it but if anyone does want to feel free. I just think it was being civil at this point...

Sorry thought I'd share.

Well that sounds like it went well. Those are the things that she is trying to miss. So conversations like that will remind her why she fell in love with you in the first place.

So when she sparks conversation I talk back? I am really trying to give her, her space. I want to as well for myself to work on this problems so this never happens again. We were a great team, and couple!

It sounds like that exchange was what you both needed. You showed her that you can respect her need for space and she gave some light communication back.

Let moments like that happen naturally. In other words, because you got positive feedback today, don't rush to put tomorrow's mail on her car and expect the same response. Give her a chance to call you to ask if she has any mail, unless of course something comes that needs her immediate attention. Otherwise, just play it one day at a time.

Allow the relationship to reset itself to a comfortable place for both of you.

I agree. I really want to respect her space. If this is what she is asking for then I have to do nothing but trust what she is saying about this working out for the best, and eventually getting back together! and give her what she is asking for~!

I agree. I really want to respect her space. If this is what she is asking for then i have to do nothing but trust what she is saying about this working out for the best, and eventually getting back together!, and give her wat she is asking for~!

Good going.. klap.. keep on respecting her space. You are goinng to do fine... Hugs:)

I'm glad you guys had a friendly exchange. You see? All is not lost. :)

i'm glad you guys had a friendly exchange. you see? all is not lost. :)







I totally agree!

Today was a great day!.

Had a good day at work. A great attitude towards giving her space (although I still miss her a lot!)

Went skiing! and had a good dinner with a group of friends!

I really hope and still pray things work out for the best.

I want to believe they will, but the only thing I seem to have trouble doing right now is trusting all she has said about us potentially working again.

Right now I'm trying not to focus to hard on it and focus more on self improvement, and giving her, her desired, and needed space!

today was a great day!...

had a good day at work. A great attitude towards giving her space (although i still miss her a lot!)

went skiing!, and had a good dinner with a group of friends!

I really hope and still pray things work out for the best.

I want to believe they will, but the only thing i seem to have trouble doing right now is trusting all she has said about us potentially working again.

right now im trying not to focus to hard on it and focus more on self improvement, and giving her, her desired, and needed space!



Good for you. Keep on keeping on! You're going to do fine.

Thank you for your support! I love all of your advice! And am always willing to hear more! It has been a great help thus far! Thanks again.

thank you for your support! i love all of your advice! and am always willing to hear more! it has been a great help thus far! thanks again.



You seem to be growing stronger and more confident... Good for you.
Have a good day tomorrow and you'll feel even better... Kit:)

Keeping yourself busy is a good thing to do.

Remember that not only are you working on trusting her, but yourself, too. It can be a big confidence boost to realize you trust yourself.

Take it day by day and you'll make it. :)

You I woke up feeling a little down today! I miss her a lot when it comes to waking up we used to always wake up with big smiles with one another...

As the day goes on ill be OK! I just really hope she meant what she said and does want this to work...

Even if she doesn't you are totally responsible for your own life, and happiness.

I agree with Tal.

I didn't say a word today at all..

She did see my roommate running today and she asked how I skiied and she said she missed doing that and watching me!

She then asked what my new work schedule was but it went to nothing more...

That was it... don't think anything of it or should I? This is all new.

No, it was conversation between THEM, and means nothing to you.

No, it was conversation between THEM, and means nothing to you.




Don't start getting your hopes up. She was just being Friendly.

My hopes aren't really up... but she did say more then once she does want this to work. That's where I get confused.

Don't be confused, just do your thing and let what happens happen.

Relying on her words is never wise, unless the actions match.

She has never been a person to lie along those lines. We shall see though. Each day I am getting better!

Yesterday was one of the best days I've had in a long time, and I really feel like I've grown from this..

A big part of me really hopes we get one more shot to give this relationship a chance. We have put in six years and had some amazing times, and then it slid a little, but this has shown me how to be there for her, and how to handle something better if anything like this does arise I know better how to prevent it.

But I also have to accept there is a chance that her words are just words, and people change. It would be mean with all she has said, but I would be willing to accept it and move on, I just don't see her lying with what she has said thus far though...


She said something again. She saw my exam grade and said congrats. I said thank you, and told her I noticed she missed class? She said its OK the teacher is easy, (and she is). I then told her how well I water skiid yesterday and she said nothing.

I said ill give you your space again thought you'd be happy to hear about my skiin, and told her I'm trying for her to show everyone things would be different and talk to you later...

Left it at that.

UPDATE: lol

Today was very interesting to say the least!

It started as a slightly difficult morning but I knew I'd climb out of it sooner rather then later because it was a beautiful day!

Then at about 11 am I got a text from her saying "hey babe thinking about you today, just wanted to let you know nothing has changed" she meant that her plans were still the same just needs time

Day goes on I end up passing out at work due to heat and didn't really eat much nothing serious! I guess my friend let her know and she called me worried I wasn't able to answer I was filling out some paper work, so I texted her that I was fine no worries..

So far so good!

I get home from work at 3, She arrives for her class at 3 we ran into each other. I was on the phone still dealing with work issues from earlier in the day. I simply waved, and she immediately turns around and tells me to come to her, I do and she gives me the biggest hug and sweetest kiss I've had in awhile.

I smiled and she went to class. She was texted me during her class, and we ended up getting together for a moment after and talked for a few not about the relationship at all, and she continued to kiss me. She left everything was great.

I left to go water skiing. I sent her a video of how I did! She was extremely excited and said great job and asked some detailed questions about it all with smiles.

Then... out of now where I received a text in reference to one of my ex. g.f's I asked her to call me, and asked what happened where did this animosity all of a sudden appear. Reassured her that it is different, and that my past actions have no reflections on this! Blah blah

Phone call eventually ends really well..

Get home I found out about a tiny lie which story is to long to tell.

I just asked her about it and said I'm not mad or even upset just a little confused on why you felt you couldn't tell me.

She then says not in the mood ttyl.

It turned a little ugly with her saying she doesn't want to talk this is why she can't talk to me for a long time, but I was honestly okay with everything the whole time..

After about 5 texts and a call I left her alone. An hour goes bye and she texts me to go out and quit being dumb.

She eventually calls and asks why I'm staying in I say because of work, then we end up talking things out and all seemed to end fine for the evening...

Today did seem a little bit immature and a rollercoaster at times...

SORRY for length just thought some of you may care for an update.

Thanks for the update. Remember you are going to have to let some things slide. I know you wanted to confront her about this stuff, but it's not going to help the situation. When you are both ready to sit down and talk together about your relationship and it's future, you can bring up lies and fibs, maybe not specific instances, but just something along the lines, of "I hope you can feel you can tell me anything now, I will try not to be so controlling, and I want to feel the same way" you get the point . This is supposed to be a fresh start for you guys, so make sure it stays that way.

It looks like she is starting to miss you, I hope that she isn't trying to string you along. But it does seem she cares about you and your well being. I wish you the best of luck, and thanks again for the update! :)

Well yesterday was pretty good...

Today. I said a few simple things and let her know that a song we considered to be ours was on at work..

Ive been ignored, and no reply all day..

Hot to Cold again.

A little confused, but just not going to say anything else, and respect her space again.

I'm in the same situation. I'm trying to be patient. My ex-boyfriend and I had a nice dinner last night. I sent him a text thanking him for dinner and how great he looked. No reply. I contemplated texting again, but stopped myself. This is really tough. I want be patient and show him that I really do want him in my life FOR the rest of my life.

This break up is probably hard for her too . 6 years is a long time.
Continue NC. Tell her you can't handle the on again off again.
NC is for you, not her.

You just keep on talking to her. You are feeding yourself false hope while she is not hot and cold at all, because she has consistently let you know whatever kind of day she is having, she will not take you back. So keep spinning your wheels until all the rubber is off.

Its your time.

She has consistently let me know that she does want this to work Talaniman...

Even though she says things along those lines every single time I am feeding myself false hope?

She has consistantly let me know that she does want this to work Talaniman...

Even though she says things along those lines every single time i am feeding myself false hope?

Klap, I can't say what she thinks, but it seems to me that she gives you a inch and you try to take a mile.

In this case it isn't as much No Contact as there is wait for her to initiate contact. Unless there is something to do with the living arrangements (mail, bills, etc.) that needs her IMMEDIATE attention, let her initiate contact. You don't have to let her know what songs are playing at your work place. Think about the message it sends her when you ignore her need for space to satisfy your need for contact.

As long as you are thinking in terms of 'hot', 'cold', 'being ignored', etc. when she doesn't get in touch with you when YOU think she should, you are reinforcing in your mind that you control her contacting you instead of her controlling her own space and contact with you.

She may or may not want to work things out, but while she is no longer yours, you need to go about your life as a single man.
When and if she wants to contact you she will, but I would tell her to stop the on an off chit chat, to not talk to you unless it is about something definitive one way or the other.

You could stand a lesson in the art of disappearing from some ones life and be busy and unavailable for emotional BS!

She did break up with me, would completely disappearing be a good idea if my intentions are to try and work this out? I mean I am going out having fun and being involved but I don't want to make things worse...

Just go about your life as you normally would. Do not contact her. If she wants to contact you, fine, be pleasant. But do not initiate any contact. Live your life, go out with your friends, ejoy normal activity. But DO NOT contact her.

Shall do! Thank you to all of you for your help and understanding!

This has been a great place to help me with this issue!

I love all the advice

she did break up with me, would completely disappearing be a good idea if my intentions are to try and work this out? I mean i am going out having fun and being involved but i don't want to make things worse...

Unfortunately, after a break up we linger around hoping things go back to the way it was, and we cling to that hope at the distraction of everything else, and afraid to rock the boat for fear of disaster.

Also unfortunately, we are afraid to let go, when we should, and stay in confused limbo, because of that false hope.

You let go completely and leave each other alone to sort your own feelings without influencing each other, and to separate fact from fiction, reality from just feelings.

To continue this chit chat screwing around talking without saying anything does you both no good, and ends in disaster because you are always available to feed each others confusion, through continued contact.

Sorry guy, but hard to have a clear head around this kind of influence and confusion. How can you even think, or see clearly when all you want is getting back together, and being steadily encouraged to do it her way, and wait until she is ready. Yeah, right.

Not one word of any sort to each other all weeked...

You have read and been advise about No Contact, if your still not convinced then by all means, discard the advice given, and follow your heart. Its really your choice what you do.

No I want no contact! She is still telling friends that she wants this to work just needs her space..

That is not why I'm doing the no contact part of it is but mostly for myself. I need this time just as much! And you can't force some 1 to be with you. If she has to say something my phone is on...

You phone is on, but that does not mean you have to answer it.
NC is NC. That means you don't even listen to her messages.

If she wants it to work I do to. So for nc I ignore her as well?

Yeah you ignore her. How do you get yourself together and move on if you are hearing from her all of the time? Is she telling you she is coming back?
Now if you are not ready to let go if you just want to hang on "just in case" then you do what you want.

It seems to me she would be quite content to have you there to talk to when she feels guilty or lonely and if you want to be that to her, it's on you.
She says she wants things to work eventually, what does that mean, what is she going to be doing in the meantime while you're sitting by the phone waiting for a call from her?
If she wants to talk to you, to give you something definitive, she will find a way to do it. But you need to stop allowing her to keep you dangling in her string.

I agree, you can only hold on for so long. Even though it has not been that long since the breakup you cannot go on forever if you do not see the result of getting back together. I held on for 2 months thinking that I was going to get back with my ex, believe me... don't put yourself in that position. Hurts far too bad.

Ya this is hurting a little, but she was very clear that this is just space and finding herself. And she hasn't said nothing to others, and me included that her plans are anything but this working out.

I am just respected her space, and trying to move on just in case, but I still hope a little that this works out. She was very clear that she wants this to work, but until things fall into place with the move and starting over and clearity of mind she just wants some space, but does want this to work...

That's why I don't know how exactly to treat this except to give her, her space right now, I need to have this time alone as well..

I am just respected her space, and trying to move on just in case, but I still hope a little that this works out.

There will be no moving on just in case, so make up your mind. Its been a month by my count, so exactly how long do you stay in limbo? How much space does she get? How long before YOU make a decision and end this punishment? How much changing have you accomplished so far?

We all get your misery, we all get her motives, and we all get the confusion.

Its been 3 weeks at this point. I don't want to set a date on this, and I know that in all honesty she does need this space. I haven't been exactly miserable or perfect by anymeans but I'm OK..

I do want this to work and there will be a point where I break and explain to her, that you know I gave her the space she asked for and I hope she found inside what she was looking for and now if you can I would like if you could think rationally about us, and if not just let me know because I can't take this at this point anymore,

I may be wrong with this approach, but she is a great person, and a good girl. The relationship was great at some points, and I explained how it faultered, and space is very respectable, and I do believe what she is saying. Part of it is hope as well! in my heart I would love another oppurtunity, and think we could be the couple we were, and we both did a lot of changing because of this I believe it would only make us better..

I can't sit here and harp on that hope though. I fall into that in spurts, but over all I'm OK! I understand maybe the best bet is to move on completely and let go, but right now I am trusting in what she says, until I see or hear other wise, because to my knowledge nothing has happened to show that, except for her asking for much needed space!

I hope I am not blind is all.