21 yr old daughter, lives at home, works fulltime, goes to college part time; is dating someone she works with for a month and now wants to have a dinner at his apt, we as parents are nervous.

How do I handle this.

Have they been on any dates in public, say, to a movie or out for a meal?

1. let adult daughter live her life. You did say 21, not 15?

2. it is really none of your business and you handle it by butting out of her life at 21.

wondergirl; yes they have been on 10 dates, he has just started holding her hand, and giving random hugs, no kisses, etc. my daughter and I are really close and we are very open with each other.

wondergirl; yes they have been on 10 dates, he has just started holding her hand, and giving random hugs, no kisses, etc. my daughter and i are really close and we are very open with each other.
Would he be doing the cooking, or both of them together? Is he any kind of a cook? Will he poison her or give her botulism?

" A ship in harbor is safe, but that's not what ships are built for."

Let your daughter be happy, and live her life the way she sees fit. Just hope that you raised her right.

May I ask how old you were when YOU got married, and had children?

21 is a lot different than 17.

Boy chuck a little harsh... she lives at home and I shared with her that I do worry because I know, if she had her own place I wouldn't know and I know she trusts so many people.. and well I don't want her to be foolish.

boy chuck a little harsh....she lives at home and I shared with her that I do worry because I know, if she had her own place I wouldnt know and I know she trusts so many people..and well I dont want her to be foolish.

Did you raise a "foolish" girl? No, probably not. Have faith in your daughter.

May I ask again, how old were YOU when you got married, and had children?

" A ship in harbor is safe, but that's not what ships are built for."

Let your daughter be happy, and live her life the way she sees fit. Just hope that you raised her right.

May I ask how old you were when YOU got married, and had children?

21 is a lot different than 17.

I was 24 when I got married, 28 when I had my son and 31 when I had my daughter, got divorced after 20 years of marriage; I have always been very protective over my kids...

Would he be doing the cooking, or both of them together? Is he any kind of a cook? Will he poison her or give her botulism?

LOL, no he would be doing the cooking, he made her choc covered strawberries and they were good, not what I was concerned about.

I was 24 when I got married, 28 when I had my son and 31 when I had my daughter, got divorced after 20 years of marriage; I have always been very protective over my kids....

Times are different now. You have to trust that you raised her right. She is 21, she is an adult. Time to cut the apron strings and trust that she will adhere to what you taught her.

Being too protective will only get you in trouble.

LOL, no he would be doing the cooking, he made her choc covered strawberries and they were good, not what I was concerned about.
Is she supposed to contribute food too?

***Added*** I'm not making idle chit-chat. If he has his act together regarding the food and other preparations for, say, renting a DVD or putting together a jigsaw puzzle, I would be much less inclined to worry. It's these guys who have no plans (except for one... ) that bother me.

21 yr old daughter, lives at home, works fulltime, goes to college part time; is dating someone she works with for a month and now wants to have a dinner at his apt, we as parents are nervous.

how do i handle this.

I'm sorry, but I'm with Chuck. As parents you will ALWAYS be nervous. But the way you handle this is by butting out. You tell your daughter, if you have to tell her anything, that you feel you raised her right so you trust her judgment. To do ANYTHING else is to tell her that you DON'T trust her.

You aren't protective, you are smothering.

Yes, I worry to death at times about my 30 year old boys, and we are very open to talk and when they are making mistakes we have a open relationship to talk about it, and they with me the same way.

But to be honest while I may not approve, if she was going over to stay the night at 21, it would be her choice to make

At 21, if you are too controlling you may destroy a adult relationship with the grown child

Is she supposed to contribute food too?

***Added*** I'm not making idle chit-chat. If he has his act together regarding the food and other preparations for, say, renting a DVD or putting together a jigsaw puzzle, I would be much less inclined to worry. It's these guys who have no plans (except for one....) that bother me.

I do not know; on previous dates they would normally take turns choosing what they would do, for this one he just texted her and said "I would like to make you dinner"

I do not know; on previous dates they would normally take turns choosing what they would do, for this one he just texted her and said "I would like to make you dinner"
If they've been out ten times already, I wouldn't worry. He sounds like a considerate guy. But don't bug her for details when she gets home.

Thank you chuck, I guess I needed to hear all this, my daughter is sitting with me as I read these comments of advice. No she will be home not spending the night, that would definitely no fly with her stepdad.

Your daughter is 21, she is an adult. I understand that as a mother, you worry, however you probably raised her well enough. Also, this is HER life. If she thinks you are being overbearing, she may begin to push you away.

Your daughter is 21, she is an adult. I understand that as a mother, you worry, however you probably raised her well enough. Also, this is HER life. If she thinks you are being overbearing, she may begin to push you away.

You are righ, thank you.

Ok, so I am suppose to let go, but then I have my husband telling me he is just trying to lure her in and is afraid for her; so I let her go and then I go out shopping for the night so I don't have to be tormented and more worried... I got two delemmas here.

Your husband needs to also understand that she is an adult and she needs to be able to live her life.

Having something to do to distract you sounds like a good idea. Maybe he can come too. Just keep your cell phones on you so your daughter knows if she needs you for anything she can get a hold of you.

Men can be a bit protective with their daughters, mine was with ours, but they also have to know when to back off.
She is grown, she is not stupid, she has good parents who raised her well... the biggest mistake you can make is to make her feel as though you don't trust her judgement and common sense.
Take daddy out with you.

She works, she goes to school, she's responsible and, most important of all, she is an adult.

For God's sake, I'm surprised that you don't realize that by holding her back from developing relationships you are thwarting her development.

It is perfectly normal for a 21 year old woman to have dates, kiss, cuddle, cook dinner at his place, etc. etc. etc.

You are not doing her any favours by holding her back and micro managing every little thing.

She is entitled to her privacy, and she is entitled to grow up, and she is entitled to date and develop as other responsible 21 year olds do.

Cut the apron strings mom. Pat yourself on the back for raising her, but mothering is over now.

My question is this. Do you want her to get married? Do you want grandkids one day? If yes, then how is she supposed to accomplish this if she's not even allowed to go on a date?

Yes you're worried. Yes you're anxious. Yes there are some men out there that will take advantage, there are also women that would do the same. If you trust her judgment then trust that this guy isn't going to hurt her in any way.

Let her out of her bubble before you smother her.

There are a lot of things going on here it seems. You, being over protective. Your daughter being a little too "sharing" with her personal life. And your husband, the daughter's step-father, thinking that HE is the last gentleman that God created.

This poor guy doesn't stand a chance!

I would be a little creeped out by the fact that you and your husband know so much about my romantic intentions. "the strawberries were good...they haven't kissed yet"

No thanks!

If he has been on about TEN dates with your daughter, and hasn't even gone in for a KISS yet, speaks volumes. He is OK in my book, and she is safe.

Just be glad that it isn't someone else investing so much time on your daughter.

I had a date like this one night when I was still single. The parents were a little protective of their daughter, a divorced mother of a two year little girl. She told me that her parents were worried because they didn't know me yet. Well, I had her over for dinner one night, and the first thing that I did was call her father and talked to him, man to man, and promised him that my intentions were nothing short of admirable. By the way, the daughter asked ME out.

That seemd to help, and her parents were fine after that. But somehow I don't think that THAT is going to be good enough for you guys. No, I think that you and your husband are going to have to go and have dinner with them both, and inspect his "batchelor pad", and make him take a lie detector test.

Do whatever makes you happy. And realize that your daughter is getting nowhere fast with this "arrangement".

The world has both good and bad, of most everything.

Some guys would try to take advantage of your daughter. But not ALL of them.

If I was this guy, I would run like the wind.

What's next? A chastity belt?

OK, so what I am hearing from you is that I am overprotective and smothering; OK, but I have gone as far as to look at apts with her and she said to me last night she isn't ready to move out and not see us every day, so if she isn't emotionally ready for that how is she emotionally ready to go to some mans apt, yes he seems OK, but he is just out of a live in relationship, I have tried to promote dd to get involved with outside activities as she does not have girlfriend she can hang with, but she likes just hanging at home, so what do I have to do , be momma bird and kick her out of the house.

All you have to do is less. You have done a great job in raising your girl and keeping her safe. Now it's time to let her grow wings. You don't have to boot her out or anything drastic, simply take a step back. Be there when she wants to chat but wait for her to come to you rather than jumping on her for information.

I'm guessing caring for your daughter has been the absolute focus for you for a long time. Now it's time to start thinking about your own life. Spend more time doing things for yourself. You need to invest more of your energy elsewhere.

Your job as a parent now is simply to be around as the constant in your daughter's life that she knows that she can always come to but to let her be the one to ask when she needs help or advice. The best thing you can do to encourage your daughter's independence is to let her see you setting an example. Don't rely on your daughter and your job of parenting her to fill up your time and give your life all it's meaning. Let her see you getting out there having fun and doing things that are meaningful to you.

I know it is hard, but being a parent is the toughest job on the planet. You have managed all the hands on stuff now you just need to practice with the hands off approach.

I wish you both well.

thank you chuck, I guess I needed to hear all this, my daughter is sitting with me as I read these comments of advice. No she will be home not spending the night, that would definitely no fly with her stepdad.

I don't know how long he has been her stepdad, but it really doesn't matter. He NEEDS to understand that he has NO say in the matter! He can voice his opinion, but she can do whatever she wants.


ok, so what I am hearing from ya'll is that I am overprotective and smothering; ok, but I have gone as far as to look at apts with her and she said to me last night she isnt ready to move out and not see us every day, so if she isnt emotionally ready for that how is she emotionally ready to go to some mans apt, yes he seems ok, but he is just out of a live in relationship, I have tried to promote dd to get involved with outside activities as she does not have gf she can hang with, but she likes just hanging at home, so what do I have to do , be momma bird and kick her out of the house.

Maybe the reason why she isn't ready is because you have intruded into her life so much that she can't imagine being without that intrusion. In which case you are stunting her growth.

Not being ready to move out and not being ready to go to a man's place for dinner are VERY different things. It sounds to me like your life is wrapped up in her. My wife was like that with our daughter to the point where she couldn't take it anymore and moved 800 miles away! Sounds to me like your daughter likes being in the cocoon and DOES need to break out more.

To be honest, some things don't make sense. A girl that has a job, goes to school, and dates, doesn't fit the rest of the description. But nonetheless, I don't say you need to kick her out, but you do need to back off, and give her more space.

ok, so what I am hearing from ya'll is that I am overprotective and smothering; ok, but I have gone as far as to look at apts with her and she said to me last night she isnt ready to move out and not see us every day, so if she isnt emotionally ready for that how is she emotionally ready to go to some mans apt, yes he seems ok, but he is just out of a live in relationship, I have tried to promote dd to get involved with outside activities as she does not have gf she can hang with, but she likes just hanging at home, so what do I have to do , be momma bird and kick her out of the house.

There is a huge difference between moving out, and going to a man's apt for dinner. Give me a break.

And you are setting your daughter up to fail, and be taken advantage of, if you do not let her make her own choices and stand on her own two feet. She will be a victim of sorts.

The bottom line is: what does SHE want to do? Does she want to go to this guy's place for dinner? If so, then let her go.

She is an ADULT after all. And this guy is not a stranger, she works with him.

I work with a guy that has parents like this. He is 39 now. Still living at home, still a virgin, still does not date. He pays a small amount of rent, but no bills to speak of besides his truck and insurance. So he's saving up for a family that may never "happen". He is still very childish and immature.

He would be PERFECT for your daughter. I know that he wouldn't do anything that you FOUR wouldn't want him to do.

My mom was over protective too! As I became an adult I resented that. Its her life, she needs to write her own book. If you want to be a part of it all the way through, then let her make her own decisions. I don't tell my mom anything that goes on in my life, as she always has to throw her opinion in it.

The bottom line is that she is 21. She's old enough to drink, vote AND go to war.

You can't protect her all of her life. She needs to be able to make mistakes and learn from them. She won't learn from your mistakes, she has to make her own.

As has been said, you are doing her more harm than good by being so protective.

You can't expect that, with the influence you have over her, with every little detail, that she can suddenly break from you. To me that is a sign that she is indeed not ready to be on her own, but you have only yourself to blame for that.

To thwart the next stage of her life by not allowing her to live it, is an unhealthy relationship, particularly between a parent and adult child.

While she may seem comfortable discussing every little detail, and you are comfortable listening and 'helping' her with all her decisions, it is unhealthy for her emotional health and development.

It would be good if you and your husband could see that it is time to stop parenting as though she were 13 years old. Stop the inquisition! Allow her the opportunity to make her own decisions without your input and control.

She would do well to keep her private life private.

She will make mistakes, and that is also part of growing up, learning from those mistakes through experience. If she chooses to go to this man's apartment for dinner, that is all you need to know. When she comes home and you ask about her evening, all she should say is, "I had a great time".

Your expectations of living as her protector and shadow, is likely a comfortable place for her, and you may have to encourage, instead of discourage, her to make decisions under her own steam, without any help from you.

She needs to find her own inner strength, and tap into her own common sense, and start living an independent life from her parents.

She will be forever needy if you don't allow her, and encourage that option.

Personally, I think it is time for her to find her own place. If you don't set some boundaries with each other, she will remain as she is. Do you really want her telling you every little detail about a dinner date when she's still living at home, at age 30?

ok, so what I am hearing from y'all is that I am overprotective and smothering; ok, but I have gone as far as to look at apts with her and she said to me last night she isnt ready to move out and not see us every day, so if she isnt emotionally ready for that how is she emotionally ready to go to some mans apt, yes he seems ok, but he is just out of a live in relationship, I have tried to promote dd to get involved with outside activities as she does not have gf she can hang with, but she likes just hanging at home, so what do I have to do , be momma bird and kick her out of the house.
Her being ready to date and move out are two different things. She may feel very comfortable with this man. She is going there for dinner, that does not mean they will have sex or she is thinking of moving in with him. (but if she is, this is all part of the learning and maturing process. I'm not saying it's wise or right, but it's life)

What you have to do is give her space and you don't have to kick her out of the house to do that, but don't treat her like a minor. She will move at her own pace.

I'd like to know if she has done anything irresponsible in the past that has made you think that she COULDN'T take care of herself in that situation?

And, has someone done anything to her in the past? I mean, has she been a victim?

Were YOU taken advantage of?

I hope you look around, and see that this relationship is not very common. Not for a 21 year old, maybe 15.

For her to share, and you to wantingly know all aspects of her life, and DATES, is just plain creepy. Sorry, it just is to me.

You are creating a potential victim.

You are injecting yourself on her most personal feelings, and limiting her future potential.

What happens when mommy isn't there any longer?

I think the onus on who is influencing who, and who is allowing the crossing of boundaries, should be equally on both the mother and the daughter.

The daughter has some responsibility, at age 21, to know what she is doing, by encouraging her mother to participate in her personal life.

I have to ask, why is this comfortable for her. Is it easier for her not to grow up and face the consequences of her own actions? Is the mother a safety net? Is it better to have your cake and eat it too?

Perhaps as we continue to bash the mother for being overprotective, we should be asking the daughter, why do you need this, what motivates you, and why are you not making a choice to grow up?

Some more history. My dd and I have a close relationship as I did with my mom, we are open, I am divorced, I was emotionally abused in my 20 year marriage, I tried to protect my children the only way I knew how; dd has dated some dirtbags to say the least and she is a very good girl, we have raised her with a spiritual background; some info on dates: 1:was engaged to be married in 6 months and lied about it and his age and told her what every young girl wants to hear; 2: wanted her to move away with him and then broke it off before he went away to college; 3: professed to be a born again christian and verbally and physically abused her for almost a year, she was able to keep this from us but only after she was having medical issues, ulcer etc. did she clue us in on what was really happening.Her step dad has protected her in some bad situations and she is greateful for that.
She pays for her car/insurance, all her bills, schooling, cell phone, etc. we do not charge her rent; she was born with a disability of being perceptionally impaired so a slow learner, but she has worked hard and manages a small store.

We plan on having a family meeting tonight to further discuss some issues at hand, responsibilities and chores as a family member and us as parents giving some space; she does ask my opinion a lot and I have said numerous times, you need to make that decision and she will press me for my feelings on an issue... it is hard not to answer, but I know I must back away a little on this.

She has gone through some traumatic things and may not be as secure as she should be in her decisions, but do not enable her insecurity.
This going to dinner is a big step for her, allow her to take it with little input from you. You and her father cannot protect her in every situation and she has to learn to trust her decisions.

My daughter an I are very close, she tells me all kinds of things and sometimes I have to tell her hey TMI (too much information) but I also know there are something's she does not tell me and I know she does some things I don't think make sense to me, but she is grown, she has to bump her head and fall down and learn to get back up. Your daughter has to do the same.

Her dad has helped her out in a lot of situations but that does not give him the right to run her life. He needs to let go. Since you both are of the household of faith, I will say to you both, "Let go and Let God" She is His child He will take care of her. Her walk must be her own, not you and your husband's

My understanding is that being perceptually impaired, does not necessarily mean a lack of intelligence, or difficulty functioning in most basic ways.

When you say, 'slow learner', what exactly do you mean, and has she had therapy for this?

Going to school full time and managing a store yet having this diagnosis, I'm not sure how that accounts for her behaviour now.

My understanding is that being perceptually impaired, does not necessarily mean a lack of intelligence, or difficulty functioning in most basic ways.

When you say, 'slow learner', what exactly do you mean, and has she had therapy for this?

Going to school full time and managing a store yet having this diagnosis, I'm not sure how that accounts for her behaviour now.
I agree. In-spite of her impairment, she appears to be a responsible young lady, quite functional.

Mom and dad, give her credit where it is due and give her the room to grow as she is proving to you she can and is capable of. These are decision for her to make. You should not make them for her or question her decision.

First of all I am very proud of my daughter she has accomplished a lot and is doing well, and I think you are missing a point that my husband is trying to make, her safety, we do not know too much about this young man and she has only dated him for about a month, I would hope she would wait a few more months before going to his apt; thus getting to know him better.

Well we all hope our adult kids might do something differently, but the fact is, she is an adult and if she feels comfortable enough to go to his apartment for a meal that is her choice to make. She knows him better than you too do and that is how is should be and is anyway.

Welcome to the world of being a parent to adult kids. All you can do is let go and let God.

I think your husband is still missing the point that she is an adult. She's going over for dinner. She's not moving in. ask her to be home or call you by a certain time if you're really that concerned. Maybe he can pick her up from your house so you can meet him and talk to him first.

She does not need to do any of those things, she's grown! She could maybe call when she is on her way home.

Have you guys met the young man? The problem you're having is yours not hers, don't make it hers.
You and hubby go out to dinner and enjoy yourself, or I might suggest talking to other parents of adult kids.

Ok, so I am suppose to let go, but then I have my husband telling me he is just trying to lure her in and is afraid for her; so I let her go and then I go out shopping for the night so I dont have to be tormented and more worried...I got two delemmas here.

I just wanted to point something out.
You don't LET or ALLOW her to do anything.
You don't have that say. She is an adult. Do a favor for her and yourself, stop trying to have that kind of say over things.

When she asks your opinion, and presses for answers, the best thing for you to say is

1) if you're concerned: "As a mother, I'm always worried about you, but I know I raised you right and I trust you'll be just fine"

Anything else tell her that you aren't the one making any decisions, if she wants to know what you think, make her tell you what she REALLY thinks before you even express an opinion. When you show her that you worry about everything, she thinks you don't trust her, so she wants you to approve. I'm getting the vibe that she gives you all of the details because she wants your approval. Thus she doesn't really try to think for herself. You need to tell her to stop depending on you, and you need to quit enabling her to behave like a child. She needs to make these decisions on her own, which means it's your job as a parent to know when it's time.

Sometimes the right thing to do is the hardest thing to do, but everything will be fine.
Nobody is telling you to stop loving your daughter, and we all know that it's very hard not to worry.

The hardest part is to stop showing constant anxiety over her. And make sure that she knows; no matter what happens you love her. Eventually she WILL learn the right things to do. She will gain more confidence in her decision making and, and you will worry less and less. It'll be hard for you to watch, but you need to.

You can do it. :)
Let her grow up. She is not at a healthy level of dependence for a 21-year-old woman.

You tell her to have a lovely time and to call if she'll be later than expected so you don't worry too much. If you worry anyway, sorry - that's on you! She still gets to have a life and you don't get to guilt her about it.

Consider that if she were away at college, you'd have no idea where she was, who she was with, how late, what she was doing. That's appropriate - she's an adult and just as your intimate life is none of her business, hers is not your business, either.

At this point she knows your values and clearly she told you where she's going and who with - she's not trying to sneak around or anything. She works full time and goes to college? This is not a girl you need to worry too much about. Trust her to have good judgement about herself, and the men she chooses to date.

A few posts back the OP mentioned that the daughter was reading the posts here. I wonder, does she have an interest in this anxiety? Is it HER that has second thoughts about going over to this guy's place?

Or is she sitting there next to you, saying "See? They all want you to let me go"?

If I were the guy, then I would be the one having the second thoughts. What guy wants to go out with a girl so immature? And one who would most definitely share all of the events of the night, with her mother and HER husband.

No thanks.

God bless you and your family.

You can't keep her in a bubble her entire life. I'm sure that's not what you want for her. Is it?

We all make mistakes, we all date less then savory people, we all have to live and learn, otherwise we never move forward, we're just stuck.

She's an adult, a young adult, but an adult none the less. By the time I was her age I'd already been dating my husband for 2 years. Yes, we're still together, celebrating 15 years of marriage this Thursday, been together 20 years.

She's dated some bad eggs, but that doesn't mean every guy is cut from the same cloth. Give this guy a chance. Give your daughter a chance. Cut the apron strings.

Yes it's hard to let go, that's why it's the right thing to do. Nothing worthwhile is easy.

Let her grow up. Be there for her if things go wrong, but stop trying to protect her to the point where you're smothering her, otherwise she'll never grow up.

I find it interesting that as the OP's posts and information come to light, the daughter now has a disability, but has not answered as to how the disability affects her functioning.

Is it just beefing up the case to need to hang on? Or are there some limitations.

OP are you listening? Are there any problems from what you have described, that could keep this girl from being independent?

I understand the need to want to protect her, especially since she has had one bad experience, but you can't do that. It is not fair to her.
She has overcome so much and you guys want to hold her back keep her from falling, but what that does is stunt her growth.
Talk to some other parents of adult kids, see how they handle things.

I have to confess the fact that I overlooked the impairment post. I didn't mean to be ugly. This makes a little more sense now.

Next time, give us the whole story first. Still, she needs to stand on her own two feet socially.

I have to confess the fact that I overlooked the impairment post. I didn't mean to be ugly. This makes a little more sense now.

Next time, give us the whole story first. Still, she needs to stand on her own two feet socially.


Even if you didn't overlook it, the answers would probably still be quite similar. Hovering over people who are impared in some ways can sometimes be worse than hoving over a person who is not, no matter how good the intentions are. I know, I have an 18-year-old brother with Aspergers who isn't going to graduate high school because he felt smothered and stopped working entirely. Everyone [teachers and aids] hovered over him and did everything for him at school. By the time he wanted to do things on his own, he didn't know how.

works fulltime, goes to college part time

Sounds like she's doing well even with a disability.

Have you ever had him over for dinner at YOUR house? Maybe the time has come for that.

Have you ever had him over for dinner at YOUR house? Maybe the time has come for that.

I'm skeptical of this suggestion for one reason: the parents. They could make him run for the hills (unintentionally) because of how over-protective they are.

If they act normal, don't say odd things and don't ask nosy questions I can see this working.

I'm skeptical of this suggestion for one reason: the parents. They could make him run for the hills (unintentionally) because of how over-protective they are.

If they act normal, don't say odd things and don't ask nosy questions I can see this working.

He has to know how overprotective they are. I'm sure this isn't something new, something that just came up.

I think it speaks volumes for him that he's sticking around even with all the interference.

I do agree that it could go badly, especially in light of how protective the parents are. If they do invite him over, interrogate him, and he sticks around, well that's a big plus for him. I don't think he should have to go through that though.

I just can't imagine holding back my 21 year old adult child from experiencing life. I would hope that by that time I've raised my children well enough to let them go out into the world. Will bad things happen? Probably, that's life. As a parent you can only go so far, protect them so much. Sooner or later you have to hope that you did the best you could do and that they're smart enough to make the right decisions, or learn from their mistakes.

He has to know how overprotective they are. I'm sure this isn't something new, something that just came up.

I think it speaks volumes for him that he's sticking around even with all the interference.

I do agree that it could go badly, especially in light of how protective the parents are. If they do invite him over, interrogate him, and he sticks around, well that's a big plus for him. I don't think he should have to go through that though.

I just can't imagine holding back my 21 year old adult child from experiencing life. I would hope that by that time I've raised my children well enough to let them go out into the world. Will bad things happen? Probably, that's life. As a parent you can only go so far, protect them so much. Sooner or later you have to hope that you did the best you could do and that they're smart enough to make the right decisions, or learn from their mistakes.

I know. I'll defintely give him props if he doesn't run for cover. (BTW, interrogate was the perfect word, I couldn't think of one)
I kind of want to protect him. :p
But he's a big boy, he'll be fine. :)

I just can't imagine holding back my 21 year old adult child from experiencing life.
The mom did mention that her daughter was impaired somehow. Plus, the daughter has gotten herself into several pickles. I'm not one for overprotecting, but I'm somewhat with the mom on this one. I think there is some kind of middle ground so she doesn't scare away the guy (if he's a keeper), yet will allow her daughter to become increasingly more independent and make her own decisions.

I find it interesting that as the OP's posts and information come to light, the daughter now has a disability, but has not answered as to how the disability affects her functioning.

Is it just beefing up the case to need to hang on? Or are there some limitations.

OP are you listening? Are there any problems from what you have described, that could keep this girl from being independent?

No; I was asked of victims, etc and I just put on that she had a learning disability... the only thing keeping her from moving out is financial, we are working on that she is paying off credit cards and saving money to prepare for her apt. which will not be immediately but it's a goal for us both to get use to.

I'm skeptical of this suggestion for one reason: the parents. They could make him run for the hills (unintentionally) because of how over-protective they are.

If they act normal, don't say odd things and don't ask nosy questions I can see this working.

We are not as bad as you make us out to be, we have been with this young man twice, once at a party and the four of us had fun, and once when he picked her up for a date. We do not want to spend more time with him, short sections of time are good, I want my dd to get to know him first.

I just wanted to point something out.
You don't LET or ALLOW her to do anything.
You don't have that say. She is an adult. Do a favor for her and yourself, stop trying to have that kind of say over things.

When she asks your opinion, and presses for answers, the best thing for you to say is

1) if you're concerned: "As a mother, I'm always worried about you, but I know I raised you right and I trust you'll be just fine"

Anything else tell her that you aren't the one making any decisions, if she wants to know what you think, make her tell you what she REALLY thinks before you even express an opinion. When you show her that you worry about everything, she thinks you don't trust her, so she wants you to approve. I'm getting the vibe that she gives you all of the details because she wants your approval. Thus she doesn't really try to think for herself. You need to tell her to stop depending on you, and you need to quit enabling her to behave like a child. She needs to make these decisions on her own, which means it's your job as a parent to know when it's time.

Sometimes the right thing to do is the hardest thing to do, but everything will be fine.
Nobody is telling you to stop loving your daughter, and we all know that it's very hard not to worry.

The hardest part is to stop showing constant anxiety over her. And make sure that she knows; no matter what happens you love her. Eventually she WILL learn the right things to do. She will gain more confidence in her decision making and, and you will worry less and less. it'll be hard for you to watch, but you need to.

you can do it. :)
Let her grow up. she is not at a healthy level of dependence for a 21-year-old woman.

Thank you, I really like your suggestions.

I know. I'll defintely give him props if he doesn't run for cover. (BTW, interrogate was the perfect word, i couldn't think of one)
I kind of want to protect him. :p
But he's a big boy, he'll be fine. :)

Sorry guys, but we don't interrogate!!

I must thank you for your posts some where very helpful where others came across very rude; this has been a very hard time for me especially, dd has never given me any grief we have always talked things out and worked things out, normal relationship maybe not, friends yes, we have gone through having my son live on the streets and almost dying of an od, he is a success story now and helping others to come clean.

So pain is no stranger to my heart; but a medaling mother no I am not, my daughter and I talk and we voice our opinions.

We had a family meeting last night and I took when spoke to my heart from this blog and shared it with my dd and dh. We shared our concerns with her about this event and told her she would need to decide what was best, we were not going to forbid her to go, as some other fathers we spoke to suggested.

We also shared how we want to incourage her independence and asked what she needed from us.

For us to let go more, she would need to be more responsible around the house and not expect us to pick up after her, etc...

So again thank you, I definitely am learning to do more listening; dd and I went out shopping late last night and I did bite my togue a lot, it will be a step by step process.

Some of you definitely need to work on your bedside manner, some of you seem to be spiritual but where is your love for others try putting yourself in their hearts position and feel their pain, not just book knowledge.

The quality and quantity of answers will depend upon the information you provide in your question.

Until you posted as to the issue of a disability, none of us were aware if this was perhaps part of the problem in allowing for more independence. To know to what degree she was disabled, would change the picture, and the answers from members.

You say that the only issue now, is financial. Fair enough. But that was not the impression from what you wrote.

To me, I think the fact that we have drawn out some important issues and impressions, means that collectively, our answers have helped, even a little bit, in helping you move in the direction of her independence, as well as helped you in realizing that it is far more important to allow her to live her own life, and to back off a bit from being so involved in the decisions she makes.

I know it isn't easy, and obviously what you have gone through with your son is history you don't want to repeat in any way, with your daughter. It is wonderful that he turned his life around and is helping others.

Congrats on the progress with the family meeting.

Getting it all out on the table and discussing all points of view will only lead to good outcomes.

Best of luck.

If you felt any of us were being rude, I do apologize. I can only speak for myself, but I don't believe in sugar coating things. I call it as I see it, and I based my answers on what you wrote and the fact that I'm also a mom.

My kids aren't adults yet, but already they're very independent for their ages. I love them, but I'm not their friend, never will be. I'm their mom, that's the role I play in their lives. I'm there to comfort, to advise, to teach, to love unconditionally, to be there when they need help, to help them grow up to become mature responsible people. Being a buddy to them would take away the role of mother, and I think that may be part of what's going on with you and your daughter.

In the end, it's up to you to choose which advice you will follow and which advice you won't. I can only wish you and your daughter the best and hope that you can both become more independent of each other.

Good luck.

I was coming at this from the perspective of a mother with a adult son who is high-functioning autistic. He lives with us and is a contributing member of the family. He works at a real job, does many chores both inside and outside our house, has learned to handle his checking account and credit cards responsibly, and is being groomed to take over this house once we are out of it. He will never drive a car (but everything he needs is within easy walking distance), and he may never marry, but I am doing my utmost to make sure he will be independent and be able to survive on his own someday. That's all that most parents want to do for their kids -- teach them how to survive in this world, to have good judgment, to not fall for every scheme presented, how to protect their privacy.

Thank you, I really like your suggestions.

I'm glad I can help a bit. If I came off as a bit rude in some of my other posts I do apologize. I have a brother with Aspergers, so I know how hard it can be to just let someone alone that you care about. I'm the oldest and I've had to back off a TON.

What is the impairment?

From a previous post,

"she was born with a disability of being perceptionally impaired so a slow learner"

This falls into a category of a learning disorder of some type.

OP did not provide any details as to what impairment, or type of disability her daughter has, other than 'slow learner'.

Thanks for the info Jake - I guess my advice would stand but perhaps the parents might ask to meet the guy, invite him to dinner and make a concerted effort to be supportive - in that way they are more apt to be able to have a positive influence on the couple.

perhaps the parents might ask to meet the guy, invite him to dinner and make a concerted effort to be supportive - in that way they are more apt to be able to have a positive influence on the couple.
It really does help to read the thread: "we have been with this young man twice, once at a party and the four of us had fun, and once when he picked her up for a date. We do not want to spend more time with him, [but] short sections of time are good, I want my dd to get to know him first."

I spoke as the mother of an adult daughter, so I know how hard it is to bite your tongue, I do it quite often. That is what you do as the mother of an adult. Although there will be times when you need to say something.

We all gave answers based on the information given and a lot of it was changed as more info was given, that is really the all we can do.
It did inspire dialogue and so in that respect I think or at least hope we did pretty good.
I wish you well.

I spoke as the mother of an adult daughter, so I know how hard it is to bite your tongue, I do it quite often. That is what you do as the mother of an adult. Although there will be times when you need to say something.

We all gave answers based on the information given and a lot of it was changed as more info was given, that is really the all we can do.
It did inspire dialogue and so in that respect I think or at least hope we did pretty good.
I wish you well.

I agree with this. When you post something like this, and then right in the middle of it, someone is "challenged" somehow... it changes the previous answers. They cannot THEN be labeled as "rude", or "uncaring". When stories "morph" into something unfortunate, it changes things.

The advice was given based on the original thread.

And questioning someone's Christianity because you were not completely open from the beginning is unnecessary.

We are not paid here. The advice was free.

It's not the "bedside manner" that needs improvement. It the disclosure and honesty, that needs work.

Good luck. That's all you'll get from me.

Thank you all for your posts, they have been helpful, it has been a very emotional time. Sorry if I offended anyone with my honesty.
Thank you all again.

I should share, that I and my husband have moved from advising to sharing our concern and leaving decisions up to dd. She actually was shocked and when I state no I can't do that for you, you're 21, it did take her back a little, but with a laugh, we are know moving forward and treating each other with mutal respect... I did need to hear all these comments even though I didn't want to. Thank you and God Bless.

Sorry if I offended anyone with my honesty.
.

Same here. Glad it's starting. Good luck to you all.

Sometimes the best advice is the advice we don't want to hear. It's hard, and it comes as a slap in the face, but that just shows that we are in denial.

I am the mother of 2 grown sons and a teen daughter.

One of my sons wanted to marry prior to leaving for Iraq. The rest of the family did not really care for the gal he wanted to marry, but he was grown. We could not make that choice for him, he has to learn on his own, and we have to trust that we taught them well. Fast forward, it's been a year now. He's been to Iraq and returned. In that year we have learned just how much this gal loves our son and what a beautiful couple they are together.

You see, while we know our children, they know their likes and dislikes much better than we do. We have to let them make their choices and support whatever decision they make, no matter what we as parents believe.

It's hard to let them go, it's hard to bite your tongue. But in the long run you will have a much better relationship with your daughter if you let her think for herself.

I think you are on the right road and I wish you continued success.

I should share, that I and my husband have moved from advising to sharing our concern and leaving decisions up to dd. She actually was shocked and when I state no I can't do that for you, you're 21, it did take her back a little, but with a laugh, we are know moving forward and treating each other with mutal respect.....I did need to hear all these comments even though I didnt want to. Thank you and God Bless.

Good for you. I'm glad that changes are being made, it's all for her best interest, and yours too.

I wish you the best of luck.