A friend of mine is having a lot of problems with her husband. He abuses her mentally and emotionally. He has even hit her and pushed her down while she was pregnant with her second baby who is only a few months old. When he hit her and pushed her down it caused her to bleed and she had to go to the hospital.
He takes all of her money, takes her keys, leaves her outside for hours while her kids are inside with a father who does not take care of them. He has even slapped his child while fighting with her because the child asked for something to eat. The child being under the age of two. She wants out but she is scared for her kids that they won't have what they need and a place to live.
Being a friend that she talks to about her problems, how can I talk her into leaving him before she gets really hurt? I care for my friend and would hate to see anything bad happen to her. Any advice?

Abuse is a very complicated problem. When you are in the middle of it, survival mode takes over, above anything else, and the abnormal behaviour you accept, becomes the normal behaviour of the relationship. To me it is like breaking a horse.

Unless you are on the inside, and the one being abused, it is impossible to understand or get a grip on why women stay. To think of freedom and the courage to leave, and plan a life outside the relationship, is something that takes some women years, if ever, to do.

The facts are what they are, and clearly some sort of intervention has to take place. She cannot protect herself, nor is she capable of protecting her children.

I think that anyone who knows that this is going on, has a moral obligation to report the abuse to the authorities. I do not see it as an option, when clearly, this situation could result in serious injury or death.

While you may think that you aren't being a friend if you betray her confidence in your ability to be quiet, you are actually keeping the circle of abuse going. I'm sure you have encouraged her to think of her options, she is in too deep to consider them, or fathom how she can apply them.

There are young children here, one of whom has been physically abused, and both who are learning, day by day, how to comply with an abuser. Eventually, they will follow in their mothers' footsteps, thinking their behaviour can control his and they won't be beaten and abused. And the cycle continues.

You reall need to step up and do something. Document all that you know, and seek assistance from the local CPS. There are enough red flags here to at least do an investigative visit. That may prompt your friend to start thinking, when she realizes that others, in authority, have found reason to suspect the children are in danger.

Another thing you may want to do, is visit a local womens' shelter, and speak to a counsellor about effective ways to communicate to your friend, and also gain the knowledge of what she can do, should she decide to go. For example, shelter information, emergency services, etc. I think you will learn much even in an hour with someone who understands the whole picture.

As hard as it may be, you may be contributing to the situation by just listening. With all due respect, and I realize that you have her best interests at heart, you must do more.

I agree with Jake and will stress one major point:

This is not about her any more. It is about two defenseless children. They deserve someone standing up for them. Even if it is showing their mother the exit sign by calling the authorities.

Sadly, you can't do anything to help her until she is ready to get help. It would better if that moment came before she loses custody of her children.

IF she is ready to leave, she will need the Women's Shelter for a refuge before trying to stay with friends or family. The shelter is a safe house for a reason.

Good news... I finally broke through to her and she has called a place called safe. They help women who are in her situation and they said that they would be there for her through the whole process of her getting out and if she needed a cop to get her things to call. I talked to her today and she already seems a lot happier that she is in the process of leaving this man. So I hope she keeps her head up and goes on through with it. Thanks for the advice.

That is great news. Tell her we all wish her well... she's made the right decision.

Very, very happy that you got through to her, if I could give you a medal I would.

Please keep us posted. I'd love to hear again that she is actually out, and making progress.

I am very glad that she is getting out and getting help.

Good luck and best wishes for her and the children.

I will keep everyone posted. I am so happy for her and the babies! I'm glad that I was the person she came and talked to about all of this and the person who helped her realize what she had to do.

Latest update:: She goes Monday to the appointment with safe. Today we talked on the phone and we noticed that her phone was cutting in and out. She said that for the past few days when her phone rings or she picks it up it sounds like something turns on. Before this started happening, her husband said that he lost his keys and that they could be under the house because he had been under there. Sure enough his keys were there.
We think that maybe the phone has been tapped and someone is listening in on her phone calls. Possibly his parents or him on his cell phone. Today her son was telling her "papaw papaw" and she kept telling him that his papaw was not there. A few minutes later she heard a atv start up and her husband's dad was in her back yard. Why would they be doing all of this? Very few people know she called safe and no one in his family knows.

If he was messing with wires/pipes etc. under the house, it's quite possible he messed up a phone line maybe.

If she is unsure and feeling that something is up, advise her not to use the phone. Go for a walk if she can, and use a payphone.

Does she have emergency services in place if she has to contact Safe before Monday?

Yes. If she calls 911 and just says her name the police know where she lives and her situation right now. Which is good in case he hangs up the phone before she can say what's going on.
I hope that he just messed a phone line up and not spying on her, she's done nothing wrong.

I think it is natural that there is going to be tension, and her husband may pick up on that. She just has to remain calm, and be prepared to go on a moment's notice.

Happy to hear that 911 will produce action immediately.