My current boyfriend/father of children of four years. Has not wanted to have sex like we used to. I have known him for 8 years now. I know that things are not the same as they were, when we were younger. But, I still feel we are young enough to have a good sex life. We have sex probably once a week if that and sometimes it can go longer.
We are both 28, and as a couple we have been through a lot yet have always wanted to be with each other in the end.
Currently we are a financially stressed, not a great deal but some days are hard. I don't know if he is stressed out, and is depressed. Yet he won't tell me what's wrong, he just says he doesn't feel good, and complains about his blood preasure. Though I do recognize that I don't make talking about the subject easy. Since I get mad out of fustration and sord of attack him,mainly because I am insecure about it and blame me.
I just want to learn how to talk to him. Because I keep trying to by telling him how I feel. How much I need him right now, since he isn't the only one stressed.
I know he isn't cheating because there are no signs. He stays home a lot and is very confident when it comes to his phone. He leaves it laying around.
Though this lack of interest, I feel is taking it's toll on our relationship. So much though that I'm confused and depressed.

Maybe you should back off.

If you don't know if he is stressed out an/or depressed as you say, you need to focus on him. He's under financial pressure, doesn't feel well, and has high blood pressure. Is it any wonder he's not in the mood? I'm surprised he can be even once a week.

You get mad out of frustration at not having more sex, and you "sort of attack him"; what does that mean exactly?

You seem incredibly selfish to me, and focus only on your needs- sex to be specific. What have you done to address HIS needs.

I had to spread the rep, Jake. I agree.

To the OP, have the two of you thought about counseling at all? It sounds like you guys have a lot to work on. One of the first things I would suggest is working on approaching things in a different way. Talk to him about why he's stressed, what you could do to help him relieve some of it instead of making things about you. I understand that you're frustrated but at this point you should be worrying more about alleviating some of his stress rather than adding to it. Offer a back rub here and there when you notice he's stressed.

Well there is a ton more to the story. But we have our past and well.. for most of our relationship he was on meth. I didn't do it, he would just disappear. We took a year off our relationship. Thinking we would never be back together. I stood by his side until I couldn't anymore. For the health of my kids, and mine as well. I am happy to say tha the has been clean since November 2009. So I don't know if his drug use has anything to play in what's going on with us. I do feel selfish at times. I also feel it's not fair! Maybe since I manage to work until 5 come home, cook dinner, and attend to the home and my kids. Yet I still manange to go to the gym. To me it's very stressfull! I always wind up saving us financially! Yet I need him I need some closeness. Reassurance and what not.
It's also stressfull! Because when we actually do get to have sex. It's always him who has an orgasm and not me. He can't perrform too well. So I really don't know what to think. I just try to tolerate things. But that makes me depressed.

You need more positive ways of communicating, so you both understand each other, and can find ways to work together.

As far as sex goes, get yours before he gets his. Money, health, 4 kids, and an aggressive wife would stress me out too.

Until I found the right stress relief, and developed some coping skills. That probably what he needs as he doesn't use meth to escape any more. ( kudos to him) but be patient, he will, if you back off a bit.

I thank you for all your help. I need to relax more. Maybe it's my insecurity... sometimes I sit there and wonder. "is this what my life is and will be". Sometimes not seeing things get better just gets to me. I am non stop all day! From my point of view I just see him going to and from work. But, for me the work never ends! At times I feel sorry for myself. I am very thankfull that we both got sober (my addiction was pot not meth ever). It has taken us some time to grow up. At least on my part I feel that growth there. Yet I want more... It would be nice to still be in love with him.

It has taken us some time to grow up. At least on my part I feel that growth there. Yet I want more... It would be nice to still be in love with him.
Maybe appreciate the good, and keep working on the bad would help!!

How often do you have time to just yourselves? Some people call it a 'date night'? Do you have the ability to have a friend or relative take the children for a few hours?

Since you both got clean, how much time has been spent trying to reconnect with each other? Spending time just being together with no expectations of anything other than relaxing together. Doing the little things that show you care for each other like a shared smile as you watch your children or holding hands for no reason other than to physically connect with each other.

Keep in mind that you are both needing to relearn how to communicate with each other without drugs in between you. It's going to take time.

When was the last time he had a check up? How did he get off the meth and has he been checked out for lingering side effects?

Congratulations to both of you for getting clean.

Thanks for reading! It's a challenge for when there is no one to talk to who may offer some decent advice. Advice from family and friends can be negative.
We don't go out a lot! He is VERY anti-social. I am an extrovert and I think he is how he is,from the drug abuse. Its really hard on me at times, because I want to enjoy the things I like with him. Like as if we were best friends!
I know we love each other. Or at least we have this huge comfort amongst us.
You see I don't know too much about love. What I mean is that for most of my life I chose the wrong men. So at times I don't know if its codependency.Since in the past I got very sick. But, that was then.
Too make long story short! What we need is that spark! That feeling of being in love! Its so difficult to be positive about my relationship! When financially I carry a ton of stress. Sometimes I just want to give up!But, I know I'd regret not trying hard enoug and missing out.

Maybe its time to break the co dependency, and not expect him to give you what you need and get it yourself.

Recovery is not about staying together, its about growing, and learning, beyond your comfort zone. And that spark you talk about. It changes from a feeling to actions. You can't change him, so change yourself.

That's something YOU can control.

Thank you your right! For instance in the situation where I say.That he doesn't like to go out and be social and I do. Well then I find healthy things to do to keep myself happy. Lunch with my friends, attend family oriented parties. Such as birthdays, baptisms and things like that. Because there are trust issues involved,due to our past behavior. Lately he has been trying a lot. He has been focusing a lot on our intimacy. Ever since I told him! So rather then to hold a grudge, or try to say to myself. "oh now you want too, but when i wanted to you didnt". I am compromising, and seeing what is being done. I hadn't thought of the concept that you mentioned to me. I have to be good with me first. There is no one that can do that for me then me. Thank you

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I have been with my husband for 4 years. We have been through a lot! We have known each other for 8 years. When we moved in together we had only dated for six months. We both ignored our "red flags", because at that time we were both immature,irresponsable and had our addictions at an all time high (him meth, and me pot).
After I moved in with him, we shortly were pregnant. Not long after, during my pregnancy. My husband was fully focused on his meth addiction. Disappearing for days and nights at a time. There was a lot of everything cheating, neglect, the porn all the crap that goes with that. I on the other hand grew so sick, from codependency. It was almost like we were using together, because of how volitile the relationship was.
So for 3 years it was caos, I got into treatment shortly a year and a half into our relationship. Because, after I had my baby I had to get on the right track for both of my kids ( I have a daughter whom is not his) and me.
When it comes to my husbands family, I never received the support I needed. It was always my fault! No matter what he did to me! I had to be more then what I was for him. It didn't matter how sick I got or anything. When he wouldn't come home at night. It would anger my mother in law that I would refuse to make him dinner. For when he did come back!
You see my mother in law is from Mexico. She prides herself on being the woman that no matter what stayed with her husband. Because he did it all to her beat her, cheat, be gone for days and always lost everything they had. She never left, God forbid you be single with kids and dating at that. She thought... It's only made her sicker and sicker.
My parents are too from Mexico but their beliefs are different. They always wanted me to be happy and healthy. Along with my children! So whenever I would decide to kick out my husband or leave him I had their full support. While my mother in law would get angry and take him in (she and his sisters are huge enablers).
In our relationship we would have made a lot of mistakes. Some in which I don't doubt make us look bad. Its like we were at war for a while, but that was then. I am no longer as sick as I once was. I know and have proved to myself that I can live alone without him. But, currently we are sober and happy and picking up the pieces. We have both gone to counseling to learn how to communicate. Especially since we are both addicts, we've had to learn to control certain emotions, anxiety and overall how to let the past go.
According to my mother in law I am the worst. I am a slut, I am a drug addict and just use her son or whatever. She has even gone to say that he takes care of a daughter that is not his. As if it were a burden! She is very indifferent to me! Yet she never says anything to my face. Because I just don't put up with it. I have always stuck up for myself and am not afraid to tell her what I think. My husbands sisters are the same way.
This situation is difficult for me because I want nothing more then for all of us to get along. But, I am done trying! My family too doesn't approve of my husband. Yet they are civil and don't make comments. From what I know of, I am sure my husband has a different opinion.
Sometimes I grow very angry with the situation and seem to obsess with it. Maybe because there is so much resentment attached to this.
What do I do? Do I just stay away and live my life? My husband knows how I feel and that's what he tells me to do. But this situation has me angry. I am tired of her rumors and everything! At times I don't want to be with my husband over this. I don't know if I want to put up with it or keep trying. Since I know we will have to be in the same room one day.
Thank you for reading,
Isel

Thank you for adding the rest of the details. Seems you have a lot of outside influences from family, that makes things really hard.

I can only suggest you and him put up a united front that doesn't depend on what either side of the family says or does, even if it means moving away from their influence, or telling them all to keep their opinions to themselves or leave you alone.

That requires you both to work together.

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During this whole time I found little to no support from his family. You see his mother always put up with her husbands alcoholism. She too is codependent (but hasn't come to terms with it)... she put up with the cheating, the physical abuse, it even went as far as them losing their home (yet is proud that she stayed for some reason). I guess that's why she was always angry at me. She wanted and wants me to be like her, to cook and clean and cater no matter what. Not realizing how bad she hurt her family and how bad it would hurt mine.

I on the other hand aside from going crazy. Didn't always cater to him, since a big part of me hated him( and myself for staying).

He would be gone for days at a time and I would find out he had been cheating. It was impossible for me to still have dinner on the table after all that. Plus, I have the most supportive parents. My dad never abused my mom he never cheated and was always good to us. They didn't care what the situation was or if I had children or not. They wanted to see me happy and healthy and if it meant being away from my husband then they were there to help. On the other hand my in laws always saw it shameful to be single and with children. We are all Mexican so that has a bit to play in the situation.
After all that mess, I was in treatment for codependency, drug abuse for two years (thank God). After one day walking in and dropping to knees, begging for help because I was suicidal. I couldn't live with or without my husband. Everyday I would put up with everything going on in my face was humiliating. I had reached rock bottom! That is when I left him and got my own place paid my own bills (with no government assistance). We were separated for a year... During this whole year his family didn't even care that he wasn't helping me they didn't even care about our son.

You see they enable my husband a lot. He never has had consequences, they have always been to busy loving him to death. Out of guilt I guess, since he was abused by his mother, after she would get abused by his father.

Right now! We are both clean and sober we both work and take care of the kids. We have gone to counseling to learn how to communicate, as well as to learn how to cope with addiction, and what it has left, behind in us. I feel we have made SO much progress. After being at war for a while. We are not only sober, which is huge. But we have learned to be responsible and have a lot to offer the kids.
But, there is still the subject of my in laws. My mother in laws talks a lot about me in the worst way to other people. She does not agree with him being with me, but only puts up with it. Even though I have helped in motivating him to save his life. I set boundaries and am not scared to be alone. I wish we could all get along. I really try with her but no matter how hard I try she is cold. She is rude and runs her mouth. His sisters almost do the same... The reason I get so mad is because I try with them and get shot down. My mother in law doesn't dare saying anything to me. Since she knows I will lash back at her, I am not the type of person to sit there let someone pick me apart, and put my head down. So she watches her words, yet her actions are unbearable.

I have grown resentful with her since I have been threw so much with her son. She herself knows that there was times that I had not one dollar for diapers and her son had thousands in his pocket. I mean she saw how sick I was but, no matter what, I am not good enough. Or not as submissive as she would like me to be. She is still codependent, she never left her husband, and from that she has developed a compulsive shopping addiction.

I have talked to my husband about this, he tells me to just stay away then. And I do! But, honestly I would like her to stop acting that way. I don't know if I should accept the fact that she is never going to see past my mistakes or whatever it is she thinks. Or I just try to understand... I am at my wits end with his family. I want to be set free from this anger this injustice and resentment. Since they too hurt me with their neglect and denial...

What should I do? Thanks to all for reading and relpying if you do.

Just stay away, you can not change the way others feel, so you and hubby merely stay away

You don't have to keep posting the same thing, nor do you have to have anything to do with his family.

Being recovering addicts, you know you cannot control what others do, but you can stay away from them.