Sorry if this is the wrong category. I'd like to find out who my biological father is. I know he is someone my mom went to college with but not high school. She only completed one semester at Missouri University fall of '81. He worked at a Dillard's shoe department there for a while (the only random detail I know about him, because one of my aunts slipped up while talking to me). And I just found out a few months ago that he's half Japanese. My father/step dad is named on an amended (I guess) copy of my birth certificate. I do not know if he adopted me or they got my name changed or what. Talking about my birth situation is horribly painful for my mom. I don't want to hurt her at all, but I do want to know who he is. Mostly for medical reasons as I have a neurological disorder. And with two children of my own now, I feel it's even more important to know. I was also wondering if there was any off chance he might be able to try to get grandparent rights or something? Just thinking worst case scenarios. I know he didn't want me, obviously, or he would've been there for my mom. So that's not a big worry. I do think that I've got a right to know what half of me is made up of though. And if he took the time to know and love my mom so long ago, he should be able to take the time now to give me a little info on what I am. My main question is how can do this with out my mom knowing? If there's not a way can anyone help me with a gentle way of approaching this topic with my mom?

About the only way you can get this information without your mother finding out is to hire a private detective.

I am assuming that you were adopted by your stepfather, but you would need to either find adoption paperwork or ask someone if that is the case. In closed adoptions (which yours would be), adoption records are SEALED. It takes a medical emergency for them to be unsealed, and even then, your mother would find out about it.

The best way to go about this would be to arrange some private time with your mother, and broach it from the point of view as a parent. "Mom, I know that this is a hard subject for you, but I've been thinking a lot lately about my kids. Because I have this disorder, and because I fear for the health of my children, I need to get some medical information about my biological father. I realize that my "real" father is the man who raised me with you--but I need to know some information about my medical history so that I can make sure that my kids are safe. All I really need from you is his name, and maybe some information about him, so that I can find him and ask him for my medical history. I don't need to be friends with him--I just need to know this information."

Go from there based on what she says then.