Threads merged

Hey--

Me and my boyfriend of 8 months broke up just over a month ago. I have done the NC and defriended him on Facebook (which I had to do or I would review his page every night).

Like many of you I have good days and some days where I am sad.

One thing I really dread is that "first" encounter we have... When friends ask me to go out my first thought is "I wonder if he will be there"

I broke up with him when I found out he was doing stuff behind my back but I do miss him. We had great chemistry, however, I did all the work in the relationship and made the emotional investment... and then got burnt.

He is very emotionaless on the outside so I know when I see him he will be smiling and waving acting all happy. This will probably hurt the most.

Any tips on how you handled seeing your ex out for the first time??

Thanks

You can be nice if the two of you ever cross paths. No long conversations or going out of your way to speak to him but saying hi in passing is okay. Then keep it moving.

I wouldn't worry nor focus too much on seeing him. Go hang out from your friends and have a good time. You owe it yourself instead of being stuck in the house with nothing but your emotions.

Seeing doesn't have to be a bad thing if you were to run into him and what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger--remember that. Get out and live while you still have life in you.

Just say hi and keep moving. If you ignore him, he will read into it. If you spend time chatting, you will jeopardize the progress you have made.

Don't stay home just to avoid him.

I had a run in with my ex about a month ago at a baseball game. One of our mutually friends invited me and her to the same game...

The initial shock got me a little, but after that, I just treated her like I treat any other friend. I'm not going to say it was easy, but it did get slightly easier to deal with as the night went on.

We basically sat next to each other and talked. It was nice, but sort of painful at the same time. We were both polite and respectful of each other. Neither of us threw our new relationships/sexual conquests in each others faces. I just treated her like another one of my friends.

Deep down, I still have feelings, that's why I haven't seen her since. For a few days after seeing her, some of the pain definitely resurfaced. It sucked, but it wasn't as bad as before. I don't think I will be hanging out with her anytime in the near future, unless something like this happens again... :rolleyes:

If you do see them while you're out, be courteous and polite and say Hi. If it's too painful to talk any further, just tell him you need to get back to your friends and walk away. He will get the hint and you will suffer less.

It will be uncomfortable I'm sure, but life goes on. What did he do behind your back? Cheat? Drugs? Obviously something bad enough to call it quits. You need to carry on though, soon you will be over it completely. The days you miss him, remember what it was that made you leave, remember the bad. Don't try to cling onto the shred of good. You did nothing, so don't put yourself in exile over a break-up. Good luck to you.

What did he do behind my back? He posted Internet ads looking for sex. No way I can put up with that... put it hurts when prior to that you thought all was well and he was "the one"

Short, simple and civil. Don't over think it, just say "hi" and move on. Avoid the chit chat, no one expects you to be friendly to him, except for maybe him.

Seeing as how you broke up recently, I wouldn't make your conversation any longer than "Hello."

I wouldn't sit or stand by him either, as prolonged close contact will probably eat you alive. Be courteous, but don't go out of your way to make him feel comfortable or wanted.

He's a douchebag that crushed your heart. He doesn't even deserve to be in the same room as you!

Threads merged.


So today I am missing the ex... its been 1.5 months since we broke up. He cheated but I still have times when I miss him.

I defriended him on Facebook but today I stumbled on someone else's photos and saw a picture of him smiling and drinking. Ugh... Of course there are pics of me smiling which he may have seen... it's not like I am sitting around crying...

But just seeing him floods back memories. Plus seeing his good looks brings tears to the eyes.

I had to vent. Someone better is out there I know... it just sucks when you think he was "the one"... but "the one" would not cheat.

A set-back is a set-up for something better!!

Block him so you can't creep.

Been there, done that. You handle your emotions then move on. No worries!

Yep, been there. I keep a few of mine blocked simply because I don't want to subject myself to them if I can help it. That jarring moment always sucks. You aren't alone. :o:o

You are definitely not alone. I haven't had the guts to defriend my ex. It really wouldn't help anyway because we literally have like 40 friends in common so I always see their photos when they put them up. He's always smiliing and having fun. But I have like 200 new photos of me smiling, having fun, sky diving, going new places - so I'm sure he's kind of going through the same thing. Facebook is the worst thing in the world for relationships though - when he changed his status to single I wanted to kill him.

Life goes on though. Ugh.

It's only been 1.5 months... as the heart-breakee, I think you still entitled to reminisce.

I still stumble upon my ex's from like 3 ex's ago every now and then..

Well, "stumble" that is :D

Time to stay off Facebook for a while.

I'm super active in Facebook... lol, but I always resist myself by not sneaking to see my ex's profile and since last week or two, I don't even bother to look for her name to see what's her doing or new profile picture (although she is cute and is really really hard to resist) but I did. Of course, I remember stuff very well, that's why most of her pictures I can remember but is just a friendly gesture. All my mind now is focus on my new girlfriend. :)

Don't worry, you'll make it. :)

These social networking sites are the devil to break ups. When I went through mine, I got off myspace for 3 months, joined Facebook only to be followed there by my ex. I fought the urge to stray onto her site a few times. I never felt the urge after the 4th month though, maybe take a break from Facebook if you can't handle the memories.

Agreed! Facebook is the devil...

My own experiences involve pictures of the ex with other people. Ugh.

Handy thing I learned, just in case some of us don't know: there's a function on Facebook that allows you to "block" people. Which means you can defriend a person, but you might still see pictures or updates of them on like mutual friends' pages. But, if you "block" them, it's like they disappear and just don't exist, even on other people's pages. Win. I think it's under privacy settings.

A quick tip on how to avoid those updates on other peoples pages:

Don't have mutual friends, it's key!

I don't have Facebook for that very reason- do you actually need it? You where perfectly fine before it came about

I don't actually have Facebook either... deactivated, maybe in a burst of destructive anger, or something. And I'm doing perfectly fine.

But for those who do want to keep it, make sure you keep in mind that defriending is not enough!

Hmmm... altering one's life in order to avoid that which (s)he cannot get over... interesting.

I think it is equally important to face those things in life and deal with them head-on. I'm not saying that you have to confront that person in any way... but we are all here together on this tiny little planet. You can't just bottle it all up and hope that you never cross paths so that bottle doesn't ever explode in your face.

What if you just eventually got to a point that you could accept that each other still exists and actually be okay with it?

What if you found resolve instead and you were okay with remembering the memories... good, bad, or indifferent? Memories are kind of all we really have, right? I mean, after all, without them, would any of us even know who we were?

Just a thought...

Dr - I think that sounds like... a preferable way to do things. It's just hard, I guess. It often seems like a choice between avoiding these things or going insane.

I would very much like to be okay with these memories, or the fact that the other still exists... ^^. I guess I've just always been a bottler (not necessarily for the best). The "hope that you never cross paths" bit sounded eerily familiar.

I guess I wouldn't know how to go about it. After spending a few months thinking about nothing but all that's happened, 'tis a little easier now to almost just pretend nothing ever happened.

I know it's not a good way to go about these things...

It is good to face things head on, once you are at a point the things you face don't affect you as much as they do initially. Why purposely do something if it causes you pain?

Well, I certainly can't say that I have it down as well as I would like to... and it wasn't something that I was always aware of.

For me, it took a complete re-thinking of every idea I had about relationships (or anything else, for that matter). As kids, we are instilled with these notions about relationships from our parents, T.V. movies, books, whatever... then, when we begin to experience them ourselves, we find they aren't quite what we were expecting.

Anyway, I guess the point is that we all have a lot to learn about a lot of things...

And how else will know, understand, or even recognize happiness when it does finally come along, if you don't first learn a little about heartache and suffering along the way? ;)

Why purposely do something if it causes you pain?

Hmmm... well, with the exception of some things, for the purpose & benefit of learning, growing, and becoming a better person, I guess.

I see pain as inevitable. But I also don't see pain as a negative thing. I guess it's just how we choose to interpret what we experience.

DrJ is just a guru. ;) I have ex's blocked and some that aren't. But I made the decision to give myself time in a couple of cases. One in particular simply because he was a right bastard and I didn't want HIM stealing my pictures from online. You can always unblock later, the cyberspace world is lovely isn't it.

I still don't see blockage as a bad thing if you don't want that person to be a part of your life. The world can be big enough to not HAVE to allow them to be. Bah.

Hmmm... well, with the exception of some things, for the purpose & benefit of learning, growing, and becoming a better person, I guess.

I see pain as inevitable. But I also don't see pain as a negative thing. I guess it's just how we choose to interpret what we experience.

You bring an interesting point and I can see where you are coming from. There is a certain book that will go nameless that brings upon the point that devastating and painful experiences should be embraced as something to find meaning in... in other words, we define the moment and not the other way around.

I for one believe you can grow and become a better person by helping others more often than by purposely causing yourself pain. The operation of our morality and character would lead us to believe it is extremely un-natural to want to experience pain. That is just our make up... the old philosophy, avoiding pain while seeking pleasure.

We all go through this "meaning of life" and "passion" stuff and try to determine what things give us perspective. Walking head first into a situation that you know will hurt just doesn't seem productive...

I guess it becomes a value question: do you find more value in putting yourself through a painful situation in hopes of it becoming a learning lesson? I would think it depends upon the situation you are talking about, and I fear putting the "ex and seeing her with another guy on facebook" event as perhaps not worth it.

Purposely causing yourself pain by going to Facebook and putting yourself in a situation where you could easily see your ex with someone else IMO is NOT worth it.

You know how you feel about them. You already know the pain from the initial break-up and should be learning from that. Going on Facebook and opening that wound back up is counterproductive.

It's like touching a red hot iron. You know its hot because you can see it glowing and can feel the heat. You know it will burn you if you touch it. Do you touch it to find out if it will burn you, or do you use your reasoning and logic and stay away?

Has anybody ever felt before that maybe if they were just a little stronger... a little better... a little more self-confident, then they could keep on truckin' and be there and not drop off the face of the earth?

(I guess I have... ).

Sort of like seeing a red-hot iron, but also having huge green Hulk hands, so you could pick it up and it wouldn't hurt at all.

(But maybe Hulk cries a little inside too. Maybe he just doesn't show it. Nah... ).

I don't mean to advise anyone to seek out pain in hopes to better themselves. I just don't agree with philosophy that we should hide from it. If we ran and hid from everything that caused us pain, we would eventually have nowhere left to go.

It is like the mentality of the 12-step program. 12-step programs have worked for a lot of people the way they are and that is great... I have spent years involved in some and the thing I could never get passed was how the underlying message always seemed to be "run... hide from your addiction... if you EVER catch yourself anywhere around it, call for help because you are powerless over it." as if they were supposed to fear it... not overcome it.

I just don't see how that could solve anything... sure, you might get lucky and never come face-to-face with whatever your demon is... but if you ever did...

As for the ex-bf/gf thing, your life, as well as their life, has to go on. If you have the same circle of friends, you are bound to cross paths in some shape or form. And when you do, how would you want yourself to react to those situations? Do you want to react negatively, internalize it, feel misery, pain, despair, loneliness, hatred.. It's really up to you what you choose to take away from a relationship.

You could also take the time to really look at the relationship.. beyond your initial reactions and defenses. We are all pretty simple creatures. It doesn't take too much to identify what it is about a person that drives them to do what they do... what makes them tick. And hopefully, you take it all in... positive and negative... solidifying who you are and what you want in your life. The more you do that, the more you will attract that.

Have you ever noticed how some people find themselves in the same kinds of relationships over and over again? And how they are always focused on the negative aspects of those relationships afterward... only to find themselves back in another relationship just like it?

It's pretty interesting stuff...

Threads merged.



Well its been almost 2 months since me and the ex broke up. I have been doing really well but Fridays seem to be when I get a bit down as I think about the wkend. I have plenty of stuff to do but I still think about what would we be doing.

My boyfriend of 8 months cheated by having internet ads looking for s--. Everyone says I am better off and better to find out now then later. All true... but damn I sometimes I just miss that 'ole jerk.

Just had to vent... thanks for "listening"

When you feel that way, call up one of your girls and do something fun to take your mind off him. You will go through times like this. I still miss my ex from time to time, and we broke up over 9 months ago.

I agree. And remember he s a jerk for a reason. Hugs

Yeah of course your going to miss himm sometimes.Just remember at the times when you feel like that,that's he's a jerk and there's a reason why yere not together!

It does sound like you miss him but all you need to do is focus on something else because if not your going to keep missing him and edventually get back together with him which sounds like a bad idea because if he did it once he can do it again

Well, since he was posting online for sex, perhaps when you think about him, think about the potential STD's you avoided by getting out of the relationship.

I'm feeling the same way today. It's been about 2 months since the ex-gf and I parted. It's been getting a lot better, and I've even been on a few dates.

Still, sometimes (like today) I just get really depressed and miss her a lot. I try to think of things she did that annoyed me, and that seems to help a little.

Yeah I been thinking about the things I do NOT miss... and it does help.

You just have those moments...

ATG 94... stay strong today... we both will :^)

Nice vent, 10 points for coming to the right place for it.

Thanks for the words TexasLonghorn.

In other news, break ups suck.

Don't they just but most are necessary.whilst mostly realising that my ex was as flawed as most of us I'm sitting here regretting the times when I could have been nicer myself.and there were quite a few of them.there s no magic pill we have to go through all these emotions regrets longing for then good times missing the people we were etc.I m trying to build a relationship with myself now wanting to find out which part of me needs to heal in order to find a healthy relationship.

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Ugh... It has now been 2 1/2 months since our break up. I have done NC and it truly is the best way to go. I have dated again... dates have been just OK but it's important to be back out there.

I have done pretty good... but just when I think I am totally over him I have a dream about him and it upsets me.

We still have not seen each other... if a dream upsets I am concerned that it may really upset me to actually see him.

Maybe I will just stop sleeping... lol

Do you want to share the dream?

The dream was just that I was at a party and so was he and we talked... then when he left he came over and said good bye. That was pretty much it. I remember it being weird when we said goodbye...

It happens. Were you together long? You can't just expel months and years of memories after 2½ months... just doesn't work like that. Recognize your fears/concerns and deal with them as they come. You'll pull through.

Your dream mirrors reality -you said goodbye.dont let it upset you.and don't give up on your beauty sleep. :-)

This will pass if you let it, and stay busy with other things. Maybe your dream is telling you not to get carried away, by a dream.

Great thoughts... thanks... we were together 9 months... it was pretty intense and the break-up for shocking as he was cheating... but I am sooo much better than I was.

No Contact is the key

I always think of dreams as cleansing your mind, while also unifying the mind, body and spirit. A dream in which you are saying goodbye to someone indicates an end to your worries, an end to a relationship, or an end to a chapter in your life. If they are saying goodbye to you, it suggests you are going on a journey of self-discovery, a new phase to your life. It sounds like you are having healthy dreams.

I'm at about the same stage as you - broken up after an intense, yet somewhat short, relationship. I'm having nightmares. I'll trade you. :)

It certainly is-it w o r k s! :-)

I was with a guy for 1 1/2 years and we have been broken up for 3 years now, I have been with my current boyfriend for a little over 2 years and I still have dreams about my ex, he cheated on me the whole time we were together too.

It's normal.

I hadn't seen my ex in about 6 years and I dreamt about him.

It was weird. Made me feel weird.

Anyway it's normal, no sweat.

Sarah

When I first started NC I would dream about my ex every single night... for seriously like 2 weeks. I was like this has got to stop. It does get better and they will stop. Start developing a crush on somebody else (just as a way to forget the ex -- don't even need to pursue or seriously be interested in the person) that's what helped me get her out of my mind. Just a thought! :) Stay strong, the longer you do NC the easier it gets.

Yes I ve dreamt of exes too.and they were no Brad Pitts.:-(

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Been broke up for nearly 3 months.

He cheated and was not respectful of me... I felt like I had to end it. I still miss him a bit.

We have done NC.

I am going to a fundraiser party next weekend and I am sure he will be there. How did you handle seeing the ex out for the first time?

When I stumble upon pictures of him I sometimes get emotional. I dread that moment when my heart is racing when I see him.

I do not want to talk to him. If we end up in close contact I will say Hey and keep on going.

Any other tips?

Stay with people close to you when you get emotional. They should be able to keep you away from him.

Just mingle with other people and try to meet new people. He won't be the only person in the room.

You ll be fine-minimum contact -if any at all necessary.he s in your past and you ve moved on and your life s back on track.good luck!

Hey - I used to run into my ex a lot and it was really awkward - after our last incredibly awkward meeting - I decided to do no contact - that was back at the beginning of August.

Well then I Found out he has a new girlfriend - through Facebook of course - and I knew I was going to see him at a friend's going away party. I thought he might bring the new girl - I was dreading going and seeing them together. I was going to just not go if he was there, but then I realized I'm there for a reason other than to avoid him - I'm going because I want to say good bye to my friend. So I decided to go no matter what.

It was a good idea, because about 30 of my friends were there to keep me distracted - I definitely HATED seeing him with someone else - but having my friends there for the first time was much better than just running into him at the store by myself.

Basically - the 2 of them walked in - passed me - I kept talking to my friends like I didn't care. About a half hour later we were basically standing next to each other so I was polite said hi - told him a funny story about one of our friends and then I said I had to get going - went and hung out with some other friends of ours.

Honestly it was hard to see him with someone else - but I made sure he didn't know that - to him I looked like I was having a great time - fun - joking around with friends - dancing with guys - he didn't know I was secretly getting my friends to keep me away so I wouldn't have to see him.

Just be calm - stay away from him - be polite if you run into him - and just don't make it a big deal. You have to get it over with eventually - either that or move to Alaska where you might not run into him. You can do it! Be strong :)

It also helps to be prepared. Imagine in your mind different scenes and how you can play them out so when you see him you aren't taken by surprise - you already have a plan in mind.

Threads merged

Well it finally happened. I ran into my ex-bf at a party. I was 95% sure he would be there so I was prepared.

I did everything the 'experts' say... I had a good time, looked good and it was a fun night. We said a quick hello and had no other contact. The party was big enough where we did not have to be in a close setting.

I was great all night but when I left for some reason I just started crying.

Details of the breakup;
--He cheated
--we have no contact for the 90 days since we broke up until last night.
--i admit I still miss that SOB...

I just broke down again... I truly thought he "was the one"...

I have done fairly well over the past 90 days... but today I feel worse than ever.

While he was with friends... it was still hard.

I am not sure what else to say. This site has been filled with such good information and has been so helpful during the past 3 months.

This morning I miss him really bad.

Aw, your emotions got stirred up, and crying is the right response,

>cyber hug<

It will be okay, just let it out, and keep going. Its okay to miss what you had, and then get up, and move forward. Got plans? Make some. Be good to yourself, as you did well for yourself.

Its Sunday, call mom.

Yes have a good old cry then get busy-and now you ve passed that hurdle! Here s a hug from me as well.:-)

No worries Tex. Don't fault yourself for having emotions and missing him. Personally I think you did a great job and am proud of you. Just a small bump in the road, that's all. No shame in crying. It was the first time you have seen or talked to him in 90 days so I can imagine it was hard and the emotions just rushed back together.

Enjoy your Sunday!

Well tonight I saw the ex boyfriend with his new boyfriend. Ugh I am totally numb right now.

We have been broken up four months.

I am totally numb... I guess this is my "ah ha' moment and time to move on.

Those are tough times, always best to try and "let it go" and move on

You can move forward as he has, don't say you can't.

Oh I agree I have to move forward. I wish I could say this does not hurt by my god it does.

The hurt s understandable-but you know that you re handling it -and at least now THAT situation s in the past.

It has been almost a year since me and my ex broke up.

I do think of him occasionally but do not want him back. I do know he is dating someone else. We have had no contact since the break-up. I have seen him at a bar maybe 3x in almost a year but we do not speak.

But it seems I have a dream about him once a week. I woke up this morning out of a dead sleep after dreaming of us swimming in a pool... ugh ugh ugh.

Anyway, it is just frustrating...

Frustrating yes, and normal also. I don't think there is any one that doesn't have past memories triggered at on time or another and believe it or not, at age 56, and married with grand kids, some of my past exes have haunted my dreams, many times.

Solution- Make coffee, and move about your day, as the feelings fade after a while, and you forget them. If you keep dwelling on them, you make them more than they should be, and start wondering all sorts of things looking for meanings.

Now that's frustrating.

I lost touch with my boyfriend when he moved to California and I didn't want to go with him. We never broke up and I went 7 years with dreams waking up crying because I would dream that I was running around the house and outside searching for him. They finally stopped when I talked to him a couple weeks ago when I actually got closure and knew he was okay so weird lol