Well here is the situation My spouse has been gambling for approximately 3 yearts consistently 5-6 nights a week. We would arugue mostly about it she attributes it to my own infidelity although I did ask her to leave before I went out with any one else. I predicted that she would began using drugs again and the eventually she would commit her own adultry. We have 3 beautiful children and I have always ensured that they were fed and clean. I tried to get her to maintain the house and make it a home when she was not working but that did not happen instead she got a job under the guise of helping with the bills then she got another part time job for the same reason but all her money was going to her gambling and we argued when all I had predicted came to pass I asked her to leave but then took her back because the children cried every night and truth be told I still love her but even that is dwindling.

Now she is back but we are not together per say just living in the same house for the children she says she wants me back but I can not leave my kids with family and friends just because she wants to go and gamble
So that is my dilema
I know what I have to do just don't want to do it.
What are your thoughts hobsons

Get your wife into a programme of counselling for her addictions. Sit down and talk to her and tell her this is what has to be done. She needs to be rehabilitated.

Tick

What a messed up situation.

She gambles five or six nights a week, she blames it on your infidelity which you admit to- you asked her to leave before you went out with anybody else. I take it she moved out, and worked two part-time jobs. Then she moved back in, and you're back in the same boat with her gambling again.

Are you still seeing other women too?

And how old are the children in the middle of all of this?

At the very least, both of you have to be on the same page, for the sake of the children. Their welfare in the midst of the gambling and adultry problems, has to be addressed.

Have either of you brought up the subject of marriage counselling or has your wife indicated, or already tried, some form of counselling for her gambling addiction? Have you two tried anything to address your problems?

As long as the children's needs are so much less than yours and your wife's, and they sit amid this confusion, probably feeling abandoned at least emotionally, from the two of you, I think you and your wife have your priorities all screwed up.

If you were at least able to address the needs of your children, by dealing with your marriage problems, infidelity issues, and gambling in a constructive way, with help, you would be on the same page to recovery in many aspects of your married life. Particularly the stability of your children.

She didn't leave because you were unhappy with the effect her gambling and lack of time at home with the kids, she left because as you say, you were seeing other people. She says that your infidelity causes her to gamble, and dealing with a problem this way, is also harming the kids.

So tell me, what are you saying. You want the best for your children? You want to keep the marriage going? You are willing to change, and she is willing to change?

What are you prepared to do to get your marriage and parenting back on track.

Take your kids and leave until she gets help, or is on a better path for a significant time.

Better yet get her out of your house until a time she can do a lot better.

If you need legal assistance to help this along, don't hesitate to get it, and that does include child support.

1st thank you for your response.
You must have missed the part where I said I make sure my children are taken care of emotionally and physically. I was with 1 other woman and No I am not still with other people because as you have pointed out my children come first. My dillema is that my wife wants her cake and eat too. She wants to take care of the children when she wants to and gamble when she wants to. I predicted that she would find a lover if she kept going out and gambling, and she did in all fairness she says she only kissed him and she wants to be with the children, just not me at this time.
The children stay with me but they too want their mother as any child would. So I allow her to stay with us. She is good when she is broke, but any money she gets goes to the casino.

And that is what I don't agree with. I am at home with the children when I get off work until I go to work in the morning.

I'm no angel but I don't drink alcohol or use drugs. I do gamble occasionally once a month tops, but my children are my life they have to be someone's so they are mine and I have no probelem with that. Oh, you asked their ages are 10,8,2. I am willing to do what ever it takes to keep the family together, I won't put up with the all night gambling It just leads to more trouble.
Again yes it is a messed up situation.

And thank you again for letting me air out my grievance.:confused:



What a messed up situation.

She gambles five or six nights a week, she blames it on your infidelity which you admit to- you asked her to leave before you went out with anybody else. I take it she moved out, and worked two part-time jobs. Then she moved back in, and you're back in the same boat wtih her gambling again.

Are you still seeing other women too?

And how old are the children in the middle of all of this?

At the very least, both of you have to be on the same page, for the sake of the children. Their welfare in the midst of the gambling and adultry problems, has to be addressed.

Have either of you brought up the subject of marriage counselling or has your wife indicated, or already tried, some form of counselling for her gambling addiction? Have you two tried anything to address your problems?

As long as the children's needs are so much less than yours and your wife's, and they sit amid this confusion, probably feeling abandoned at least emotionally, from the two of you, I think you and your wife have your priorities all screwed up.

If you were at least able to address the needs of your children, by dealing with your marriage problems, infidelity issues, and gambling in a constructive way, with help, you would be on the same page to recovery in many aspects of your married life. Particularly the stability of your children.

She didn't leave because you were unhappy with the effect her gambling and lack of time at home with the kids, she left because as you say, you were seeing other people. She says that your infidelity causes her to gamble, and dealing with a problem this way, is also harming the kids.

So tell me, what are you saying. You want the best for your children? You want to keep the marriage going? You are willing to change, and she is willing to change?

What are you prepared to do to get your marriage and parenting back on track.

Get your wife into a programme of counselling for her addictions. Sit down and talk to her and tell her this is what has to be done. She needs to be rehabilitated.

tick

Thank you, but she already has been to counseling and would not agree to it again.

Take your kids and leave until she gets help, or is on a better path for a significant time.

Better yet get her out of your house until a time she can do a lot better.

If you need legal assistance to help this along, don't hesitate to get it, and that does include child support.

I know that would be the best for all, and I am very sorry to say that it has come to that, but alas I don't give up very easily so as long as my children are taken care of I will try one more time. But will keep your info handy
Thank you for taking the time to respond.

Then your wife needs to leave. Period.
If she does not want to get help for her addictions, she can't have her cake and eat it too. She can't gamble and have an affair and still be allowed to live in the home with you and the kids. She either wants to be a wife and mother or she doesn't.
This atmosphere is not good for your kids and as long as you allow your wife to stay there, you are enabling her an she will continue to do what she is doing.
You may be there for your kids, but your wife is there also and your children are and will be affected by this.

Gambling is a horrible addiction that destroys families.

You wife has lost control and won't seek help until she hits rock bottom.

The best thing you can do is to file for divorce and full custody of your children. Possibly when she sees that she's lost it all, she'll realize that she needs help.

Your wife 'was' a drug user, has an addiction to gambling 5-6 nights a week, sleeps all day, stays out all night, and sees her children when she wants to.

And you are allowing this- why?

The implication is that you have healthy children because they are well cared for. You say that they are emotionally and physically taken care of. What they are receiving in that regard from their mother is zero. They are affected, will continue to be affected, and will grow up affected by the consequences of their mother's gambling, and being absent from their lives. Even when she's home, she's sleeping, or hungover or whatever- not in a position to deal with the aftermath of what she obviously doesn't see, as a problem that involves her children.

If you don't think that they worry about her, or hear that door close when she goes out, or sees her sauntering home in the wee hours, you are mistaken. They are. They may not be able to understand 'addiction' and all that implies, but they sense, and feel the upset. Young children don't always understand the way you think they do.

What this has turned into for her, is a lifestyle. It is a way of life that she leads, that puts her needs first, at the cost of her family, and their well being. While she sleeps all day, somebody else cares for her children. When she gets up, they are pretty much getting ready to go to bed. There is no compromise, not even communication between the two of you over abandonment issues around the children, let alone how her behaviour is affecting you. She has essentially put you, her children, and her life, conveniently aside, in order that she can live her life as she pleases.

There will be differences of opinion on the nature, severity, and continuing consequences of her addiction. Indeed, your enabling behaviour , by juggling the lives of yourself, your children, other people who help you out in caring for your children, etc. keeps it okay for her to not make changes. She is maintaining her gambling at relatively low consequence as a result of you continuing to just take it. You are making it easy for her, to make it very hard on you and the children.

You want to maintain your family- at all cost- as you said. Have you thought about what has already been lost? You see how damaging this has all been, yet your bottom line is this is the only way to keep everybody together under the same roof, so you accommodate her.

As long as she continues the way she is, nothing will be normal, and you are taking a great risk with the emotional health of your children in my opinion.

For your own sake, do a little research on coping with a gambler, and while you're at it, find resources in your community that you can seek out for assistance. Gambling Anonymous will be a great place to start, and they will be able to better advise you on the children, and their needs, and how to understand what they are going through.

Ultimately, you will have to make changes. I don't think you are independently wealthy, and a tremendous amount of money has to be taken from the family bank accounts and credit cards. Have you checked to make sure there are no new lines of credit, or overdrafts in your accounts? You haven't mentioned this part as far as I can remember, I hope the bills are getting paid. In the meantime.

I would highly consider putting her into a rehab. I would recommend to look at http://www.unityrehab.com. This rehab is highly recommended nationwide and have one of the best reputations out there due to their success throughout the years. They specialize in holistic and spiritual treatment, along with a 12 step program. They have such knowledgeable staff and have the ability to cater to anyone's needs. It's no wonder they're recommended nationwide.