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Hi everyone,

I have been in an interracial relationship with my boyfriend (I am an Indian and he is Caucasian) for 4 1/2 years now. Due to a family emergency he had to move to a different country and now we are in a long distance. Everything was going great till he told me that he has a long weekend off and that he is
Going to travel to another country with a female friend. I have never met this girl and he has known her only for three months or so. This disturbed me a lot and when I objected he started protesting saying that she is just a friend and absolutely nothing is going to happen and stated that I am being prudish about it. I don't know at this point whether it is an indian thing or if any one would object to their other half taking off like that.

Please help I really need some perspective.

I agree it is not appropriate when in a monogamous relationship to vacation with the opposite sex, just friend or not. This is complicated further by the long distance relationship. (American - Caucasian perspective)

I don't think you re being a prude, I d react the same way as you. How often do the two of you manage to see each other?

I agree it is not appropriate when in a monogamous relationship to vacation with the opposite sex, just friend or not. This is complicated further by the long distance relationship. (American - Caucasian perspective)

I don't know how to deal with this situation. He is leaving this weekend and I don't think I should stop him. Do you think its something people break up over?

Has your boyfriend ever given you any reason not to trust him? If he has always been faithful and honest why do you have a problem with him going? Seems to me that due to your current long-distance situation it would be easy to hide/cover up who he was going with. The fact that he was honest should be reasuring. You can't be worried that he will fall in love with every girl he meets, if you are meant to be then you will be. If you make this trip difficult for him he will resent you for it.

I don't know how to deal with this situation. He is leaving this weekend and I don't think i should stop him. do you think its something people break up over?

That is going to have to be your choice. His disregard of your feelings leaves little to the imagination about where he stands on your relationship. You can not force him to stay home and not take his vacation, but his choice to take the vacation is something that I personally would make a stand about and that includes breaking up.

I dont think you re being a prude, I d react the same way as you. How often do the two of you manage to see each other?

HE moved away in July since then I have seen him once for two weeks but I will see him again twice in December and then every month after that till march at least. Haven't yet planned anything beyond that

Has your boyfriend ever given you any reason not to trust him? If he has always been faithful and honest why do you have a problem with him going? Seems to me that due to your current long-distance situation it would be easy to hide/cover up who he was going with. The fact that he was honest should be reasuring. You can't be worried that he will fall in love with every girl he meets, if you are meant to be then you will be. If you make this trip difficult for him he will resent you for it.

I have to strongly disagree with this.

There is no amount of trust that makes it appropriate for the opposite sex to vacation together when in a monogamous relationship. This isn't an issue of trust this is an issue of what is appropriate when you love and care about a partner.

They could have been married for fifty years, this 'friendship' is newer than the relationship and a 'friendship' doesn't involve long weekends away together.

I have to strongly disagree with this.

There is no amount of trust that makes it appropriate for the opposite sex to vacation together when in a monogamous relationship. This isn't an issue of trust this is an issue of what is appropriate when you love and care about a partner.

They could have been married for fifty years, this 'friendship' is newer than the relationship and a 'friendship' doesn't involve long weekends away together.

I think it has everything to do with trust, I mean that is the issue here. Her boyfriend has given her no reason not to trust him, what has he done wrong? Are you seriously considering breaking up with him over this? Are you worried that this new friend of 3 1/2 months will sweep your man off his feet and start a new life without you? If that is a possible outcome then how can you prevent it from happening anyway? What is being paranoid and possesive going to achieve? From the looks of it you and your boyfriend have good communication. You have no idea who/what this girl is to him, why are you thinking the worst?

I would have a problem with this,I don't think its about trust but as justwantfair said,he is not taking your feelings into consideration.

Is there a reason why he can't come see you on his vacation?

My problem would be this,even though you know him and trust him,this is a new friendship,I would not trust her motives.

They would be travelling together,eating out together,laughing and having fun... there is a strong possibility that intimacy could occur.

How would he feel if you did the same thing?

Also,I would question why he is going on holiday with someone he hardly knows.

I think it has everything to do with trust, I mean that is the issue here. Her boyfriend has given her no reason not to trust him, what has he done wrong? Are you seriously considering breaking up with him over this? Are you worried that this new friend of 3 1/2 months will sweep your man off his feet and start a new life without you? If that is a possible outcome then how can you prevent it from happening anyway? What is being paranoid and possesive going to achieve? From the looks of it you and your boyfriend have good communication. You have no idea who/what this girl is to him, why are you thinking the worst?

I have never and would never cheat on my partner, but I would expect him to have the same reaction if I chose a holiday with another guy because he was unavailable to holiday with me.

I would feel the same should I be in the OPs situation.

Breaking up is about the fact that a relationship is a partnership, you won't always agree, but you should agree to work out situations in a way that you can both live with. The fact that her feelings do not mean anything to him and in fact he deflected the situation to make her feel like a prude was not working for a relationship. I don't think that I would ever find this situation appropriate, no matter how much I trusted my partner.

Keeping long distance relationships is tough. It's somewhat surprising that he'd even tell you this. You have good cause to be suspicious.

And a word of advice: the one they say you need not worry about, is the one you need to worry about.


I think it has everything to do with trust, I mean that is the issue here. Her boyfriend has given her no reason not to trust him, what has he done wrong? Are you seriously considering breaking up with him over this? Are you worried that this new friend of 3 1/2 months will sweep your man off his feet and start a new life without you? If that is a possible outcome then how can you prevent it from happening anyway? What is being paranoid and possesive going to achieve? From the looks of it you and your boyfriend have good communication. You have no idea who/what this girl is to him, why are you thinking the worst?
Why is she thinking the worst? Hello! Because they live in two separate countries, and above all, it's just weird! Who goes on a harmless vacation with someone they barely know? No one, unless there's some ulterior motives there.

overayear disagrees: I think that people in relationships are allowed to have friends. Just because they are of the oppsite sex dosent mean anything. He told her about the trip and who he would be going with, he could of easily lied if he was trying to be Malicious.

'Rate this answer' - is not about rating whether you disagree with my opinion. You can only disagree with incorrect facts, please read the rules of the website.

I never said that he couldn't have female friends, I said that it was inappropriate to holiday together when he is in a relationship. It disrespects his relationship no matter how wonderful their relationship is.

No I'm afraid I would not be happy with this at all.
If he loves you and really cares about your feelings, he wouldn't have even considered going away with some girl.

I really don't think that this is a trust issue, because any woman in love with her man would hate to be in this position, because its an unfair position for him to put you in!

It's entirely up to you whether to brak up with him over it, but I would let him know that you are thinking about it because of his actions and dismissal of your feelings.

I would initially question it because I think its in everyone nature to, but if my girlfriend has never gave me a reason not to trust her then I think she should be able to have fun and have friends. I think relationship last longer when you give the other person freedom to be who they are. It could be very harmless but we automatically assume that its going to be a way for them to cheat. If your other half is going to cheat, they are going to do it regardless of anything you do. That's reality so to sit there and worry about things that may or may never happen is a waste of time and emotions.

I would initially question it because I think its in everyone nature to, but if my girlfriend has never gave me a reason not to trust her then I think she should be able to have fun and have friends. I think relationship last longer when you give the other person freedom to be who they are. It could be very harmless but we automatically assume that its going to be a way for them to cheat. If your other half is going to cheat, they are going to do it regardless of anything you do. That’s reality so to sit there and worry about things that may or may never happen is a waste of time and emotions.

These are two different issues. It isn't about having friends of the opposite sex, it's about spending a weekend away with the opposite sex. I don't think the OP ever said that she had a problem with the friendship with the female, just with the holiday weekend away.

So if the OP takes issue with the getaway weekend, which she does, why does that make her wrong. I don't even have to believe that my partner would cheat to not want him to go away for a holiday without me and with some new 'friend'. He will give up one year for a friend of three months... it says something about where he stands on their relationship.

These are two different issues. It isn't about having friends of the opposite sex, it's about spending a weekend away with the opposite sex. I don't think the OP ever said that she had a problem with the friendship with the female, just with the holiday weekend away.

So if the OP takes issue with the getaway weekend, which she does, why does that make her wrong. I don't even have to believe that my partner would cheat to not want him to go away for a holiday without me and with some new 'friend'. He will give up one year for a friend of three months... it says something about where he stands on their relationship.

That is your opinion and the fact that he is going with a friend means nothing about the relationship. If he wanted to cheat or else he wouldn`t have said he is going on a trip. I understand that there should be some uneasiness about the fact that he is going on a trip but a relationship is all about trust.

If there is no trust, then there is no relationship. If that person then breaks up the trust, I would be much happier knowing I can find a person worthy of my trust.

Are you arguing about the fact that 2 friends, male and female, in relationships cannot go together in a vacation without their bf/gf?

If I went out with my female friends and it made it every time uneasy to my girlfriend, should I bow to her wishes and never see my female friends?

And by the way, the rate the answer is about opinions, not about facts.

There are multiple issues at hand here. It's not one specific issue.

1) His behavior is definitely extremely fishy. So I suggest that you proceed with caution. You don't just become friends with a girl for 3 months and then run off with them on a trip.

2) There is also the issue of trust. If you trust him, then you wouldn't be as bothered, but still bothered by this trip. There's no question that this trip is a red flag, but if you trust him, then you wouldn't worry as much. Remember, no trust = no relationship. So if you don't even trust him, it doesn't even matter who he goes with on this trip.

3) Regardless of his fishy behavior and the trust factor, it sounds like your relationship has many more problems. His vacation is a very risky move. Of course it will upset you, so if he's willing to take this kind of risk, it sounds like he's pretty much ready to break up. Furthermore, I find it disturbing that he feels that you're overreacting. You're just reacting naturally and he can't blame you for that. In my opinion, this relationship was in trouble well before this trip was planned.

And by the way, the rate the answer is about opinions, not about facts.

You have been a member for a long time to not understand the rules about the 'Rate Answer' feature.

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/forum-help/using-comments-feature-official-guidelines-24951.html

I don't think that they are two different issues at all. The point I was trying to make was that he should be able to have FRIENDS, regardless if they are of the opposite sex or not. So he wants to go on a trip with a friend of his who he most likely has things in common with or feels that he would have a good time with. I have plenty of friends of the opposite sex that I would love to go on a trip with. I have never had any feelings for these ladies besides friendship. They are my friends! I feel that if it bothers her that much then maybe he isn't the type of man she should be with. Also I never said she was wrong for feeling the way she does. If those are her feelings then like I said previously maybe he isn't the guy she should be with. Why should he be giving up anything? (He will give up one year for a friend of three months). I think to automatically assume that something is going on is the wrong approach.

The point to this discussion has been lost a couple of times.

Of COURSE the boyfriend can have friends, of whatever gender they happen to be. He can go out for the evening with friends, boozing and slinky dives or milkshakes at the burger shack it doesn't matter.

What he is doing is different. He is refusing to make any effort to maintain this long distance relationship with his "girlfriend." His lack of respect for her feelings indicate he really has little further interest in the relationship.

Jellyfish, I wish you luck. I do not think he's "the one."

The point to this discussion has been lost a couple of times.

Of COURSE the bf can have friends, of whatever gender they happen to be. He can go out for the evening with friends, boozing and slinky dives or milkshakes at the burger shack it doesn't matter.

What he is doing is different. He is refusing to make any effort to maintain this long distance relationship with his "girlfriend." His lack of respect for her feelings indicate he really has little further interest in the relationship.

Jellyfish, I wish you luck. I do not think he's "the one."

I disagree. How can you equate refusing making any effort to maintain the relationship, with going on a trip with a friend? The OP said it herself that everything is great except this problem. You are assuming too much. If I would simply go with the wim of my ex-gf, I wouldn't be able to do anything.

There seems to be a fundamental problem in this thread about agreeing whether going out on a trip with the opposite sex is wrong or right. What are we basing ourselves on? Morality? Ethics? I think if there is real love, there should be complete trust (it doesn't mean that there shouldn't be any discomfort). What right does she have of telling not to go? Also why do you assume he is not "the one"?

On a personnal note, I got cheated on and my ex took a picture of it, when she was on a trip. I shouldn't be able to trust again, but I gained wisdom and I will trust my future girlfriends on any kind of trip with any boys, because if she really loved me she would never cheat on me. You just cannot "control" anyone into cheating or not, by telling them not to go.

There seems to be a fundamental problem in this thread about agreeing whether going out on a trip with the opposite sex is wrong or right.

Whether he goes on a trip or not is not the issue. His reply when she expressed concern was dismissive and that she was over-reacting is what I read that bothered her. That is the disrespect that indicates that this relationship is dissolving.

Long distance relationships require extra effort. This guy doesn't seem to want to work that hard.

Jellyfish, am I reading you wrong?

If you love someone else you will not put them in the position of accepting a situation that isn't appropriate or comfortable.

Having opposite sex friends is fine, but when it comes to a trip with only these two people, no amount of trust can make that acceptable, but that is for both parties to decide. If one party decides without giving any consideration to the opposite party then there are probably problems bigger within the relationship.

You are also talking about a long distance relationship that is already strained with distance. I don't think the OP request that he not accompany this female on a solo trip (or have her accompany him) is a reasonable request, it doesn't make her a prude and I would think that she isn't the only one who would have a problem with this scenerio and for some it wouldn't have to do with trusting the partner.

You are correct in reiterating that she can not force him to not go, but her request isn't an issue of being controlling or wanting him to lose the friendship. Her request is reasonable considering their relationship, his disregard of her feelings in the matter does indicate that he is probably not the one. As his feelings are of more value than hers.

I think that it is reasonable that men and women maintain friendships outside of their relationships, but it is also important to have your partner comfortable with these relationships if they are reasonable and if you have established trust within your relationship. I feel her feelings are valid that this trip is inappropriate and his disregard of those feelings is a refusal to make an effort to maintain the relationship.

We aren't talking catering to every whim here, but this is one that I feel should at least be heard, not dictated to her.

I understand in realtionships that both people should make scarfices for the other. I on the other hand to do not feel that him going on a trip with a friend is a bad thing. However she isn't comfortable with it so I agree that he might not be the type of guy she is looking for. Or she should deal with it and not make him feel bad for going. If going on a trip with the opposite sex is a deal breaker for her then she should go with her gut feeling.

Are they the only two people going on the trip?

If they are, something that needs to be addressed is that at home each person has their own place to retire to. On a trip, the very nature of traveling and accommodations are more intimate. Not to mention that instead of having school, work and other friends to act as a buffer and distraction, they will be strangers in a strange place. That alone increases the level of intimacy.

After reading several questions lately that pretty much began with "I/he/we got drunk and somehow it just happened, I/he/we had sex. I didn't mean to...", I don't recommend that he increase the risk of doing something he will regret.

On a personal note, on the times that my husband and I have been forced to live in separate places as we relocated, I would have been hitting the roof if he spent a 'vacation' with another woman (even if she was a best friend that I have known for years) or another man for that matter. Understand that I had absolutely no problem when his company sent him to school for a week with a female co-worker.

This isn't about trust as much as respect for Jellyfish and their relationship.

I understand in realtionships that both people should make scarfices for the other. I on the other hand to do not feel that him going on a trip with a friend is a bad thing. However she isnt comfortable with it so I agree that he might not be the type of guy she is looking for. Or she should deal with it and not make him feel bad for going. If going on a trip with the opposite sex is a deal breaker for her then she should go with her gut feeling.

This is where I disagree.

If both parties (the people in the relationship) were okay with this, then fine, go on the trip, have a blast, bring back a souvenir. The fact is, the OP isn't okay with this, and when she expressed that she wasn't, he blew her off, said she was overreacting.

He obviously doesn't care about how she feels. That's not a relationship. In a relationship you compromise, you listen to the other person, you don't dismiss their feelings.

Is she wrong? She may be. This may all be innocent, just two friends going on a trip together, but, and here's the part that makes it wrong, she doesn't have a good feeling about this, and that should be taken into consideration by her boyfriend.

If he wanted to dismiss her feelings, why even talk about it or even try to explain it's only a friend?

I think it is a test to all couple to see how much trust you give. Do you give absolute trust to your loved one, or will you try to compromise so some infortunate situation doesn't arise?

If a situation does arise then there is a fundamental problem to begin with.

I believe if you really love your mate, then you would trust him in any situation, because that's love, it's more powerful than lust or any other feelings.

I agree that he was inconsiderate of her feelings. He could have eased her worries a little and at least spoke about it more. I do however, disagree that just because she is unhappy with it that he shouldn't go. She was asking if she was overacting. I feel that she might be.

If he wanted to dismiss her feelings, why even talk about it or even try to explain it's only a friend?

I think it is a test to all couple to see how much trust you give. Do you give absolute trust to your loved one, or will you try to compromise so some infortunate situation doesn't arise?

If a situation does arise then there is a fundamental problem to begin with.

I believe if you really love your mate, then you would trust him in any situation, because that's love, it's more powerful than lust or any other feelings.

Are you male or female?

I'm assuming your male, correct me if I'm wrong.

Let me paint a little picture for you. All you have to do is be honest, with us and with yourself.

Going by my assumption that you're male, I'm going to give you a girlfriend. It's my story, so I can do it. ;)

You've been dating for 4 1/2 years, but family circumstances have kept you apart. You love her, she loves you, but you don't get to spend a lot of time together. Such is life, it doesn't diminish your love.

She gets a week off and decides to take a trip. She doesn't even ask you if you're available to go with her, but she does call to tell you that she met a guy a few months ago, they're friends, and they're going on the trip together.

She doesn't ask how you feel about it. She doesn't ask if you want to go with her and her friend. She's going, it's a done deal. They'll be sharing a hotel room and bed to save costs, but hey, they're just friends.

You don't like this idea (again, my story, so I can do this) and you tell her. She doesn't care, she's going whether you like it or not. Too bad, so sad, she'll call when she gets back.

You're okay with this?

It has nothing to do with the possibility of him cheating. It's that he doesn't care that his girlfriend, the one he supposedly loves, doesn't feel good about this, but he doesn't give a damn. He's going, boo hoo on her.

Nope, but I wouldn't let her not go, it's her decision. In the end of the day, if she wants to cheat me, or develop feelings with another guy, that is something that I can't control.

I actually had a similar story. I was going out for 3 years with my ex, she went on a trip and she cheated on me. I have every reason not to trust future girlfriends when they go on a trip, but I will. I try to rationalize and use my brain, not my feelings to make a decision. If she wants to cheat then go ahead, I'll be glad to end it and go on with my life.

I learnt not to develop insecurities about the significant other because it is a waste of time.

I have been in this situation so I can talk about it first hand. And yes I'm a male.

Nope, but I wouldn't let her not go, it's her decision. In the end of the day, if she wants to cheat me, or develop feelings with another guy, that is something that I can't control.

I actually had a similar story. I was going out for 3 years with my ex, she went on a trip and she cheated on me. I have every reason not to trust future girlfriends when they go on a trip, but I will. I try to rationalize and use my brain, not my feelings to make a decision. If she wants to cheat then go ahead, I'll be glad to end it and go on with my life.

I learnt not to develop insecurities about the significant other because it is a waste of time.

I have been in this situation so I can talk about it first hand. And yes I'm a male.

So you don't care if they cheat?

In other words, you don't let yourself get too attached. You don't allow yourself to love them because you think they're going to cheat on you?

The thing is, this thread has nothing to do with a fear of him cheating, it has everything to do with the fact the OP is not comfortable with this situation and he doesn't care.

I think it's time to remember the OP is Indian, their beliefs are far different then ours. Going away with a member of the opposite sex on a trip is a big no no. It's a sign of disrespect. Heck, I'm not Indian and I feel that way.

Some people may be comfortable with it, or have the "whatever happens, happens" attitude, but the OP doesn't.

That's why this is wrong. If she agreed, if she was comfortable with it, then go, have fun. She's not and he doesn't give a rats arse. So, he really loves her? I don't think so.

I've been married for 14 years, been with hubby for 19, since we were both 19. The way we've made it work is through communication and compromise.

I'm not saying that the boyfriend in this situation is a cheater, or that he plans to cheat, I know very well that you can be platonic friends with a member of the opposite sex. One of my best friends is a guy and he's my ex as well. He lives far away so I don't get to see him very often, so when he comes to visit we spend a lot of time together. The last time he was here the only day he had available was Valentines day. So, we went out together on Valentines day and my husband stayed home with the kids. I was really worried that hubby was upset about this, so we talked about it. If my husband said to me that he didn't like it I wouldn't go. That's respect for the person I love. It has nothing to do with trust or lack of trust, I know he trusts me, but, I also respect him and love him enough to listen and to compromise.

That's a relationship. What the OP has isn't.

Well the OP and her boyfriend are not married. I think things become a lot different when you get married. All I am saying is that you have been with this person for 3 1/2 years. If you feel that it isn't OK for him to go on this trip and he feels it isn't a big deal then there is a big disconnect. He should be able to go on this trip and shouldn't be held back by the one he loves. He can love her dearly and still want to go on this trip. She could always act this way with him which is why he gave her attitiude. The fact is we don't know the dymanics behind their relationship. She ask if we thought she was over reacting. I think she is.

Well the OP and her boyfriend are not married. I think things become a lot different when you get married. All I am saying is that you have been with this person for 3 1/2 years. If you feel that it isnt ok for him to go on this trip and he feels it isnt a big deal then there is a big disconnect. He should be able to go on this trip and shouldnt be held back by the one he loves. He can love her dearly and still want to go on this trip. She could always act this way with him which is why he gave her attitiude. The fact is we dont know the dymanics behind their realtionship. She ask if we thought she was over reacting. I think she is.

And I don't think she is.

I guess we're at a stalemate.

You're seeing it in a different way then I am.

I see it as disrespectful that he doesn't care about her feelings.

You think she's overreacting.

I think she has a right to feel the way she does.

I think that he doesn't care about her enough to consider how she feels.

You think she should just suck it up and let him go.

In the end, he's going. That doesn't mean that she has to accept this. She has the option of finding someone that will take her feelings into account.

The only thing that marriage changes is that you've proven to each other that you care about each other, otherwise why get married?

This guy the OP is dating, he's proven he doesn't care, I'd kick him to the curb.

Well, it seems we cannot agree on that and I respect different opinions. In the end of the day, it is the OP who needs the take whatever decisions she wants with whatever inputs we are giving.

Jellyfish, as you can see, there is different opinions in our society in this matter. Some feel it is OK, some don't. You have the arguments from both sides. It's possible that your boyfriend thinks like me, and you can give him his chance or you can say that it is a deal breaker.

In the end of the day, she is making this decision of whether it is right or wrong. Let's all learn to accept each other's opinion.

I agree Altenweg with the fact that she doesn't have to be OK with it. She can choose to kick him to the curb if she isn't comfortable with it. So do you suggest he doesn't go? Lets say they break up in 5 months. He could have missed out on a great opportunity because his love wasn't comfortable with the idea because she considers it as disrespect. Would I be comfortable with my girlfriend going with a friend. Prob not, but will I let her go and have a good time. Yes. Will I break up with her because I am feeling insecure about her going. NO.

I think it'd be a great idea if everyone just gave their opinions without all the Reddies and bickering and then let the OP decide for herself the best course of action.

I think it'd be a great idea if everyone just gave their opinions without all the Reddies and bickering and then let the OP decide for herself the best course of action.

I had to spread the love M, but I do agree.

I think that part of it has been dealt with, at least I hope it has. ;)

Paxe and overayear, I respect your opinions and your right to that opinion. I don't agree, but you do have the right to what you think and feel.

My problem with this is the fact that the OP is so distressed by his decision that she felt the need to discuss it here. It's obviously bothering her.

He may not feel it's a big deal. He may think that she's overreacting, but the fact that he doesn't care about her feelings, that's what has lead me to my opinion.

Should he go? Sure, if he doesn't give a damn about his girlfriend then he should go. If he does care then he'll at least listen to what she has to say instead of dismissing her and doing what he wants, no matter what.

This isn't a relationship. There's no communication. That's why I think she should leave.

The way he's handling this shows how he will handle future problems. It seems to be his way or the highway, I pick highway.

I think this has been talked to death. The OP has a lot of different opinions, now it's up to her to choose which ones she wishes to follow.

All I can say is Good luck.

No hard feelings boys. :)

jellyfish1981, I understand you having a problem with this. How would HE react if you told HIM that you were going on a trip with a guy that HE didn't know?

As someone mentioned, you don't know the girl, or her motives. Maybe she will reveal a "crush" on him. Maybe she will knock on his door after hours. It HAS been a while since he saw you last.

No, this is a very inconsiderate thing for him to do.

My question is, if he knows this is upsetting you so much, why is he still doing it?

As far as the giving "reddies" for just for disagreeing, this is not accomplishing anything at all.

Comments on this post
Altenweg agrees: Here's a greenie for you. I only gave one reddie, the info was factually incorrect. I am innocent, innocent I tell you! ;)

If you notice, I gave one too. It was for the comment concerning the REASON we give "reddies" in the first place. THAT was factually incorrect.

Comments on this post
Altenweg agrees: Here's a greenie for you. I only gave one reddie, the info was factually incorrect. I am innocent, innocent I tell you! ;)

If you notice, I gave one too. It was for the comment concerning the REASON we give "reddies" in the first place. THAT was factually incorrect.

I have to look but I think that was the same one I reddied.

Great minds think alike.

Actually, so do not so great minds. :(

To answer the OP's question, no, not everyone would object, and quite a few people I know have done it, or would find it acceptable in this situation. It's just a 3-day trip and his girlfriend is not available. He's not sneaking around, and it's not like he's planned a 2-week tour of Indonesia and hasn't invited his girlfriend.

Some people have said it would be inappropriate. Well, different groups of people have different opinions on what's appropriate and what's not. If the man thinks something is perfectly OK and his girlfriend finds it so inappropriate that she's prepared to break up with him over it.. well, I guess the question would be how they lasted 4 years anyway?

Yes, she's distressed. If he doesn't go, he'll be distressed too. Relationships are about compromising? If he doesn't go because his girlfriend was upset, it's not compromising, it's him sacrificing his opportunity to go out and have fun in a new country he's been forced to relocate to.

I have to look but I think that was the same one I reddied.

Great minds think alike.

Actually, so do not so great minds. :(

Funny thing is that neither one of us like to go to the red square. But right is right, and wrong is wrong.

Jelly let your guy to whatever he wants to, and then find a life without him.

If his behavior has crossed the lines of good behavior to you, then don't accept what he is doing, and end this thing, without regret. Its just not worth the aggravation, or the disrespect.

What's telling the most is his mind was already made up, without input from his partner, and there was no room for talking about it.

You don't particularly sound like the over jealous type, so for whatever reason he has made this decision, its his to make.

You have been informed so what you do about it is up to you.


A guy who takes a vacation with another female and not uses it to see his girl, is the ultimate slap in the face as I see it!!

Well sometimes you have to make sacrifices for the one you love. Compromising is if she has a problem with this and he acknowledges it then next time she will acknowledge his feelings. That is something beautiful but he is taking that away from the relationship and choosing a trip with someone else over her feelings.

I would not like it and it would begin to take away any trust I had and possibly some feelings.

Paxe, the point here is if you did have a problem with a situation, (don't tell me you would let anything go because then that's just not being a man and I doubt a girl would even want that) and your girlfriend dismisses your feelings, you would feel terrible. If not then I must ask... Are you human?

Whether he goes on a trip or not is not the issue. His reply when she expressed concern was dismissive and that she was over-reacting is what I read that bothered her. That is the disrespect that indicates that this relationship is dissolving.

Long distance relationships require extra effort. This guy doesn't seem to want to work that hard.

Jellyfish, am I reading you wrong?

I wrote him a long email expressing all my concerns and why I think that him going on this trip is not acceptable to me. He responded back saying that he was "overwhelmed" by what I have written and said that it was never his intention to hurt me. He said he was really really sorry and regretted booking this holiday. However, what is bothering me is that even after apologizing and regretting his act he never volunteered to cancel his trip.

Are you male or female?

I'm assuming your male, correct me if I'm wrong.

Let me paint a little picture for you. All you have to do is be honest, with us and with yourself.

Going by my assumption that you're male, I'm going to give you a girlfriend. It's my story, so I can do it. ;)

You've been dating for 4 1/2 years, but family circumstances have kept you apart. You love her, she loves you, but you don't get to spend a lot of time together. Such is life, it doesn't diminish your love.

She gets a week off and decides to take a trip. She doesn't even ask you if you're available to go with her, but she does call to tell you that she met a guy a few months ago, they're friends, and they're going on the trip together.

She doesn't ask how you feel about it. She doesn't ask if you want to go with her and her friend. She's going, it's a done deal. They'll be sharing a hotel room and bed to save costs, but hey, they're just friends.

You don't like this idea (again, my story, so I can do this) and you tell her. She doesn't care, she's going whether you like it or not. Too bad, so sad, she'll call when she gets back.

You're okay with this?

It has nothing to do with the possibility of him cheating. It's that he doesn't care that his girlfriend, the one he supposedly loves, doesn't feel good about this, but he doesn't give a damn. He's going, boo hoo on her.


I must add here that he did not ask me because I don't have that time off work and I questioned him about sharing the room and he said that they would definitely have separate rooms. But I don't feel that that makes it any better.

Well the OP and her boyfriend are not married. I think things become a lot different when you get married. All I am saying is that you have been with this person for 3 1/2 years. If you feel that it isnt ok for him to go on this trip and he feels it isnt a big deal then there is a big disconnect. He should be able to go on this trip and shouldnt be held back by the one he loves. He can love her dearly and still want to go on this trip. She could always act this way with him which is why he gave her attitiude. The fact is we dont know the dymanics behind their realtionship. She ask if we thought she was over reacting. I think she is.

I would like to say here that I have always given him all the space he needs. I have never stopped him from going out with his friends and sometime back he wanted to go and visit a female friend who he has known for three years and who I have met. I really did not have any problem with that. I have problem with this girl who is his new found friend.

Jelly,the situation s causing you distress and rightly so I think.

In any relationship when trust issues happen its difficult to rebuild the trust.
You don't come across as a jealous person but most people in my opinion would think he s crossed the line with this trip.
We are all giving you our take on this here but ultimately what you decide to do about it is of course your choice.

I wrote him a long email expressing all my concerns and why i think that him going on this trip is not acceptable to me. He responded back saying that he was "overwhelmed" by what i have written and said that it was never his intention to hurt me. He said he was really really sorry and regretted booking this holiday. However, what is bothering me is that even after apologizing and regretting his act he never volunteered to cancel his trip.

You got something from him. Now you need to give a little.

Is this trip something really special? If I were in India and got a chance to visit the Taj Mahal I would feel bad about my wife not going but I would go. Or the Smithsonian in the US or Big Ben in the UK, etc.

Here's an idea that has worked for other couples. Set up a mutually convenient time to contact one another so he can share the trip with you since you can't be there.

Catsmine quotes:"Is this trip something really special? If I were in India and got a chance to visit the Taj Mahal I would feel bad about my wife not going but I would go. Or the Smithsonian in the US or Big Ben in the UK, etc."


Yes, but I would rather go alone rather than put my relationship in jeopardy. This may very well be a deal breaker.

He said he was really really sorry and regretted booking this holiday. However, what is bothering me is that even after apologizing and regretting his act he never volunteered to cancel his trip.

After getting this new information, l still don't think the problem is the "new friend". Jelly, you said it yourself, you expressed your concerns, yet he didn't even suggest cancelling the trip.

So his apology is almost mute, because your concern is the fact that he's going on this trip with this new friend. So even after that long conversation, he's still going on this trip. So we're almost back to square one.

He knows that you're uncomfortable with the idea, yet he's still going to do it. That sounds like putting the relationship is jepordy to me. It sounds like it's a much bigger isssue than just this "new friend".

When he comes back from the trip, you're both going to need to sit down and re-evalute the relationship. Express all your concerns to one another and try to work things out one issue at the time. You need to find a mutual understanding and not put up with all this confusion.

Catsmine quotes:"Is this trip something really special? If I were in India and got a chance to visit the Taj Mahal I would feel bad about my wife not going but I would go. Or the Smithsonian in the US or Big Ben in the UK, etc."


Yes, but I would rather go alone rather than put my relationship in jeopardy. This may very well be a deal breaker.

I have been reading this thread for awhile and hesitated to chime in on what I thought were particularly important details. I think this last statement you made says it all. If in fact this may be a deal breaker then I think, regardless of anyone's opinion on here, you need make it clear to him, stand on your word and do not back down. If you indeed find this behavior unacceptable then it is key you form a wall right now and stand by it, otherwise it creates slippery slope of future problems.

I don't care what you consider to be the problem here. Whether it be the "friend" or his not altering plans or not even volunteering to alter them, if you feel strongly about it then it is your call. Do not hesitate in thinking there is a wrong or right here. That is all relative to personal experience or belief. I think it is more important that you, as a person, stand up for what you believe in regardless of the opinions of others that it may either be extreme or not.

You do what you feel is best for you! I wish you luck. There are a lot of things in relationships that require compromise, but I don't believe we should ever have to compromise our personal beliefs or our sense of security in being with the one we love.

I just think it's a heck of a thing to spring on a partner after you have made a decision. Maybe that's the real problem, the surprise of it, as you had no real opportunity for input and debate. You were denied your honest expression on this matter, because he assumed you would have no problem with it. You do, and now he knows you do. I think the way he handles himself from here will help you decide how to proceed. Ideally, he should want to at least talk to you, if nothing else to reassure you, not just apologize, and just do as he has planned.

Often its not what our partner does, as how they do it, that ticks us off.

...He said he was really really sorry and regretted booking this holiday...he never volunteered to cancel his trip.
What a sham, don't fall for it.

Go on a trip yourself, forget about this guy.

I just think its a heck of a thing to spring on a partner after you have made a decision. Maybe thats the real problem, the surprise of it, as you had no real opportunity for input and debate. You were denied your honest expression on this matter, because he assumed you would have no problem with it. You do, and now he knows you do. I think the way he handles himself from here will help you decide how to proceed. Ideally, he should want to at least talk to you, if nothing else to reassure you, not just apologize, and just do as he has planned.

Often its not what our partner does, as how they do it, that ticks us off.


I had another longer discussion with him where I asked him that even though I wouldn't have stopped him I would have liked to be given an opportunity where at least he would have volunteered to cancel the trip. He replied to this trip saying that he didn't want to do that because he could not have cancelled on someone at the last moment and second, he wants to see a place he has never seen before. He told me that he understood my concern but that I have to think of it as him going with just a friend not that the friend is a woman. He said he didn't think that it would hurt me so much and that in future he would never ever do something like this and at least involve me in the process before he makes the decision. He has called me around 8-9 times today and I have not been the most pleasant. Do you think I should ease up on him?

NO! Let him go on his trip. Let the emotional dust settles and see how you feel. Its all in your own time now, and maybe he will have thought about things a bit. You will have I'm sure.

I don't think it is healthy for your emotional state or the relationship to attempt to punish him for being an unthinking moron.

You have let him know how you feel and he seems to have gotten the message. If you believe him and trust his word, give him a chance to show he means those words by following up with compatible actions.

If you don't think he will follow through and don't trust him to keep his word, then take that as a red flag and let him go. Trying to hold on to a long distance relationship when you are the only one working on it is not good in the long run.

I don't think it is healthy for your emotional state or the relationship to attempt to punish him for being an unthinking moron.

You have let him know how you feel and he seems to have gotten the message. If you believe him and trust his word, give him a chance to show he means those words by following up with compatible actions.

If you don't think he will follow through and don't trust him to keep his word, then take that as a red flag and let him go. Trying to hold on to a long distance relationship when you are the only one working on it is not good in the long run.

I think you got it spot on. I have just been trying to make him miserable or the past few days. I don't think that breaking up over this is justified and as long as he follows through I will let this slide. This time. Because in trying to make him miserable I have been hurting myself if not more then just as much.

Thanks everyone for the opinions. It helped a great deal. I guess it was great seeing what was going on in my head coming from other people as well and getting the chance to know how might be thinking too. He has been calling me again and again to make me feel better and said that he would much rather take crap from me then not talk to me at all. So I guess he has kind of won me over with this. But wouldn't have been possible without all the inputs here.
Thanks a ton

Good luck getting everything ironed out and back on stable footing. :)

Come back within 2 weeks and let us know how are things going. I'm glad things are going okay so far.

Hi everyone,

This question is not so much a problem that I am facing but more of a general opinion that I need. My boyfriend is really close to his mother. She is an amazing and a very strong person and I get along really well with her. What I want comments on is that she has been married thrice and has had many more relationships. Her approach towards relationship is that if a person is unhappy in a relationship then they should get out of it and from what she has told me (though it was never entirely her fault) she has acted on this principle. She is 66 and is again not too happy with her current husband. My parents belong to a completely different world of thought and have been together happily for 35 years and have always told me to compromise and try to work things out. Now my question is that how much of an influence does a parent has on their child. I completely believe that unless things get too out of hand and beyond repair a couple should always try and work things out. I have been with my boyfriend for 4 1/2 years and except for certain issues - which almost all couples go through and another one which I posted in my first thread - things have been great. I am not saying that he would have the same chain of thought because there is no way of finding that out right now, but what do you think? How much of an influence do parents have?

There is no telling what kind of baggage he is carrying, but I think the way we were raised plays an important part in making us who we are, whether we copy our parents, or do just the opposite.

I also think that 4 years without a solid plan the two of you are working actively on, makes a difference also (sorry to make a general question personal). We all have to have a process in which we see, and understand things, and that comes from the strongest influences in our lives, our parents, or others, who have played a strong role. Whether for the good, or bad.

There is no telling what kind of baggage he is carrying, but I think the way we were raised plays an important part in making us who we are, whether we copy our parents, or do just the opposite.

I also think that 4 years without a solid plan the two of you are working actively on, makes a difference also (sorry to make a general question personal). We all have to have a process in which we see, and understand things, and that comes from the strongest influences in our lives, our parents, or others, who have played a strong role. Whether for the good, or bad.

I am not exactly sure what you mean by "without a solid plan" - but if you are talking about what my boyfriend and I have planned it is that right now he is looking for jobs. Once he has one and he has settled in the job within two years from now we plan to get married and I would move to where he is.

But I agree that it plays an important part. I guess that this has always been a slight worry of mine but I dare not disrespect my boyfriend or his mother by saying something like this out loud.

As you all have read I have decided to give him a chance as long as he doesn't attempt to do something like this in future without at least asking for my opinion to which he agreed. Even though he has been texting but those have been short. This morning I received a mail from him in which he wrote:


"I tired calling you but my phone was barred. I'm relieved I can send you texts however. I'll try and find a way to call you today or get a Thai sim card.

We arrived last night and jumped into a taxi to go to the touristy area. As soon as we checked into our rooms we headed to some bar/restaurants where we had a few drinks and I ate Thai fried rice. The food was extremely delicious. We didn't stay out too long because it had been a long day so went back and slept."

This is making me extremely jealous as going to new places, trying out good food has always been our thing. I am physically stopping myself from writing something mean to him right now. Please help. How should I respond to this?

I really don't get how you even accepted him to go... I don't get why people try to force themselves to trust everything just because the people say so here. If you couldn't deal with it then you should have been honest. That is GOOD communication. At this point there is nothing you can do. He went on the trip and is doing what he wants and whether you choose to believe him or not is your choice now. I just wouldn't like this at all. Getting drinks with a new girl and all. Just as there isn't that much love in the world, I don't think there's that much trust in the world. Then again, I'm not the best at trusting most say.

I really don't get how you even accepted him to go...I don't get why people try to force themselves to trust everything just because the people say so here. If you couldn't deal with it then you should have been honest. That is GOOD communication. At this point there is nothing you can do. He went on the trip and is doing what he wants and whether you choose to believe him or not is your choice now. I just wouldn't like this at all. Getting drinks with a new girl and all. Just as there aint that much love in the world, I don't think there's that much trust in the world. Then again, I'm not the best at trusting most say.

I know that he is not cheating on me. If he had to cheat he could have done so even in hong kong. He didn't have to go to a new country to do that. Second why would he continue to be in a long distance relationship when he and I both have opportunities otherwise. This is not a question where I am asking if he is cheating on me I am just not able to handle that he is away right now sharing all these things with this girl which I am supposed to do with him

I didn't say he was cheating. Who said that? I'm saying I couldn't deal with that. You said you know he is not cheating so then why worry unless you really think otherwise. And the two of you are suppose to do lots of things together but you are not around and you okayed him being there so now he has to do them with someone else. Sorry if you don't like this. Its just my opinion. I just wouldn't like this.

To be more sympathetic, I'd say that at least he is emailing you and since you say he won't cheat then just believe in that. Just hold tight and let this pass and hopefully it won't happen again.

Your boyfriend is giving you a play by play of his whole trip. Give him a break all ready, I think he is going far and beyond what he should be doing. I have learned very important lessons from my past relationships, and one of them is to never let someone stop you from doing what you want to do... The only person that is for sure ALWAYS going to be there is you. I agree that he should have spoken with you first instead of just making the plans on his own. You decided to give him a "chance" so give him one. He is trying his best to make you at ease with this situation by letting you know everything he is doing.

To be honest,I see your point..

He is experiencing new things with someone else,even though he is keeping you informed,it does not stop the hurt...

At this stage all you can do is accept the situation as it stands,and wish him a great holiday,its hard,but what can you do,trying to hurt him now and ruin his holiday because your hurting will do more harm then good.

If he is talking to you and texting you,your on his mind.

I have to agree, it would tear me up if my boyfriend was on a trip with another girl.

But you said you were going to let it go and forgive him, so you have to do that. Reminding him constantly how he hurt you and how he messed up will push him away, because he will get sick of hearing it.

Besides, he knows he has a lot of making up to do, so look forward to that part.

I agree here with everyone saying that I have to stand by my actions. But in reality what choice did I really have accept let it go? Breaking up over this when he has not even cheated is definitely overreacting so that would not have worked. Plus, I cannot disregard the fact that we have had 4 1/2 great years together. Do I want to break up with the person I am in love with because he did this which hurt me - no and I doubt many people here would. Could I have stopped him from going - no. was I bothered about the fact that he is going - YES. I did have three horrible days thinking all sorts of scenarios while he was on his holiday but I stopped myself from ruining it for him while he was away. However, even though I tried not to I could not really stop myself from starting an argument with him once he was back. There was a lot of screaming and shouting and crying but in the end we sorted things out and everything is back to where it was before this whole thing started. We have now decided not to talk about it anymore and I do feel that I am past it now but it was far from fun and not something I would ever want to go through again because this whole feeling of insecurity is probably the worst in the world.

You're trying so hard to repair this relationship, while his mind is somewhere else.

It takes 2 people to make a relationship work. Maybe you want to work hard to fix this relationship, but does he?

If you're not on a the same page, this relationship is going to end whether you want to or not.

You're trying so hard to repair this relationship, while his mind is somewhere else.

It takes 2 people to make a relationship work. Maybe you want to work hard to fix this relationship, but does he?

If you're not on a the same page, this relationship is going to end whether you want to or not.

After and during this whole episode he told me over and over again that he wants to be with me, nothing happened with that girl and that nothing was ever going to happen. So I am relying on these words and working towards making things work. He sounds completely sincere while saying these words so all I can do at this moment is hope that he really is.

Putting it behind you now is a good idea. Keep in mind that in the future, no matter how upset you get, you shouldn't bring this up again in anger or frustration. It is forgiven and closed. It would be unfair to open it up again.

He now knows how much it hurt you to not even be told about the trip before he made the plans to go. It should be his future actions that affect the relationship from here on out.

I wish you both many happy memories. :)

You had a conflict, you resolved it to both your benefits, now move beyond it. Don't look back. As Cat says there will be future conflict to deal with. There always is.

Two people of the oppisite sex going on a trip together to another country is never a good sign. Ask him can you go, if he says sure why not, he's probably not cheating. If he takes to long to answer than he probably is. This is not a Native American thing. You are not the first woman to feel this way and ot all of them are Native American. So, just test his trust. If you have had trust issues with him before then you are right to not trust him. Long distance relationships can work, but it is hard to keep trust in the relationship when that person is so far away. If you love him trust him.

Two people of the oppisite sex going on a trip together to another country is never a good sign. Ask him can you go, if he says sure why not, he's probably not cheating. If he takes to long to answer than he probably is. This is not a Native American thing. You are not the first woman to feel this way and ot all of them are Native American. So, just test his trust. If you have had trust issues with him before then you are right to not trust him. Long distance relationships can work, but it is hard to keep trust in the relationship when that person is so far away. If you love him trust him.

A word of advice, being helpful is a good thing, however, you really should read the entire thread before commenting. Often, more facts are given and events happen that advice needs to be adjusted for.

The op is not Native American. She is Indian as in a native of India (the country).

I had been dating my boyfriend for the last five years. Till last week we were talking about getting married next year. Then the day before he told me that for a better career he has decided to study to be a lawyer which means three to four years more of long distance relationship in different countries. He said he doesn't want to ruin my life by leading me down a path which he doesn't think will work out. I understand that what he says makes sense that it is too much but I don't know how to stop myself from feeling miserable. I have just been crying since yesterday. I did everything I could to make this work and without any warning or signals its all gone. All the security of past five years, someone I was with for so long is just not there anymore. I definitely don't want to beg him to try and make things work. But how do I deal with this pain? I just want to go meet him one last time stay with him and say goodbye properly. We broke up over the phone and that hurts sooo bad

I'm sorry your are going through this pain. But there is a reason for everything.

I know exactly how you feel... my ex broke up with me over the phone (skype) from overseas as she got an amazing job offer in another country while I decided to head back to our home country and further my studies.

Its been incredebly difficult to try and overcome the feeling of loss and pain and in general you feel like life cannot go on without them as we have come to depend on that for at least a part of everything we do.

My head could understand exactly why my ex made the decision to break up with me, but my heart was just screaming WHY? Couldn't we have at least tried?

Regardless, the best thing to do at this point I think (and what I've been trying to implement as well) is to not contact him at all and leave it where it is.

Closure is important, but before you decide on contacting him again, consider a few things:

- What do you need to get closure? Will contacting him and pleading your case in the hopes he will accept you back make you feel better? What if he acts cold and distant as he has no doubt been thinking about this for a while (trust me)?

- If he does change his mind, where will that leave your relationship? At this point, could you attempt to have a long distance relationship again for another 3-4 years knowing that he may not truly be putting all his effort in?

- if you do call or contact him, consider what the consequences of this will be. Will it cause more tension or make him more distant? Do you (or can you even) wish to be friends still?

Give this all some thought before making any rash decisions. I know that thinking with your head right now isn't very easy, but that's what this forum is here for. It has definitely helped me get some clarity.

You are not alone. Remember that. Let us know how things go.

I know that he would not change his mind. And that is why after his last text yesterday I have not called him or texted him. But he told me that he would be calling me tomorrow. What do I do when he does. I don't want to argue or beg because there is no point in that. And I don't even want to ask him to reconsider but can I still say that I want to say goodbye in person and spend a last few days together. I'll probably never see him again.

My boyfriend and I broke up a couple of days back. It was really painful and both of us are feeling miserable about it. Should we continue to talk and try and help each other through his. Can that work? I know here is no hope and no future but can we still be friends? I don't know how to deal with total absence of someone who was there for five years. We were in a long distance so meeting each other is not an option but is talking over the phone asking for too much?

can I still say that I want to say goodbye in person and spend a last few days together. I'll probably never see him again.

Why put yourself through that misery??

Why put yourself thru that misery???

We broke up while we are still in love. He has been just as miserable and has been crying every time we talk. When I do meet him again we'll be able to spend a few more days together and it would be very difficult to part especially the long flight back home but wouldn't it be worth seeing someone I have loved for so long if only for a bit and say goodbye to him and his family in person?

but he told me that he would be calling me tomorrow. what do i do when he does

Do you need to work out how to return belongings to their rightful owners? If not, then I wouldn't answer. It has all been said and any more is for him to not feel guilty.

You need to start your own healing. Read the stickies at the top of the Relationship Board they have a lot of useful tips and information. Remember that we are here to give what support we can. Just keep adding to this thread.

Do you have any friends you can talk to face to face? It might help to talk to a close friend who can be there to hold your hand and listen.

Do you have any friends you can talk to face to face? It might help to talk to a close friend who can be there to hold your hand and listen.


My friends have been there for me and they are dragging me out tonight as well even though I don't want to go. But every close friend who I have told that we broke up has required even more convincing than I did that its over. They keep asking me why I didn't do this or that or that there could have definitely been a solution. It came as a shock to everyone that we broke up. But now I am feeling scared to go out as well because I just don't want to answer too many questions. I feel like I was living in a fantasy world for the last five years and now all of a sudden I have woken up to reality and pain.

If you want to drag this out longer, then go right ahead. That's your choice.

We broke up while we are still in love. He has been just as miserable and has been crying every time we talk.
There was not enough love to keep it going so what's the real point. At least let the emotional dust settle to avoid impulsive words and actions, and give you clarity of thought.

There was not enough love to keep it going so whats the real point. At least let the emotional dust settle to avoid impulsive words and actions, and give you clarity of thought.

The reason for break up is that he is in a fairly low paying job as he joined work right after graduation. He does not have a family that can support him financially. So he decided to study to become a lawyer for a better future. I am indian and here after the age of 30 women have very little or no options left as most of the marriages are still arranged (decision is made by the people getting married but they are introduced by the family). I am a working in india and doing fairly well by the standards here but my 2 degrees which are india specific would not be of much use if I try and find a job outside. We don't know how many flights we could have managed in a year to see each other which was easy so far as he was in a country much closer to mine but won't be when he goes for his law degree. So it was either I give up my career here and try and find a job there which would be nothing as good as what I do here or we could have done another 3-4 years talking over the phone and meeting for a week or two every six months. All the while risking the fact that if things don't work out if I am 32 four years from now I'll be much worse off. Plus the pressure to get married from the family never goes away they already think I won't find anybody now. And I think for him he didn't want to take the responsibility/guilt of what happens to me if things don't work out later on and for me the fear of what happens if everything messes up.

That's an extremely difficult relationship to maintain. If you only have India specific degrees, then for this relationship to work out, he's going to have to move to India. If he doesn't show any indication of that, then the relationship has no future. You've already given each other over 4 years to try to work it out. Do you really think another 4 years will make a difference?

As for finding someone else, you just need to put yourself out there to meet new people. You've remained in a closed relationship for 4 years, so it's difficult to meet new people. You just need to get back out there and get to know more people.

Don't let others put you down saying that you can't find anyone. It's more like that kind of attitude forced you to drag out this past relationship longer than it should have.

I would say, don't waste anymore time thinking about the past. Move on with your life. Move forward.

Since your careers are so much more important than being together, then its best to let each other go, and do what you have to for yourselves.

I WISH is correct in that you have already spent a lot of time with this thing for it to have not worked, love or not. So why not get your own life together, and see what happens while you are free.

I am not Indian, but can imagine the pressure of getting married, but many who do not have good happy lives until they do find the right partner. I don't believe for a second the notion you will never find some one, and after you have healed properly, and focused your life on what you want, you will see many options, and opportunities, that are a better fit than the one you have just had.

But you have to let go of this one first. Not easy, I know, but we all go through this. Some of us a number of times.

Take this change in your life as a growing experience, and move beyond it.

I am not Indian, but can imagine the pressure of getting married, but many who do not have good happy lives until they do find the right partner. I don't believe for a second the notion you will never find some one, and after you have healed properly, and focused your life on what you want, you will see many options, and opportunities, that are a better fit than the one you have just had.

But you have to let go of this one first. Not easy, I know, but we all go through this. Some of us a number of times.

Take this change in your life as a growing experience, and move beyond it.
What you just said made sense but its just hurting so bad right now. I want the pain to go away and I want to be able to go out in public and not cry in front of everyone. I don't know how to be independent anymore because I have always had the security in knowing that he is there somewhere and now he is not.

We all feel like that after a break up. They suck all the time. But eventually the pain lessens and we have cried a river and there will be no more tears left. Its called mourning the death of a relationship, and the hurt will go away. Its never fast enough, but there are no magic pills, or secret formulas. Just TIME!!

We just spoke for an hour or so. He was crying just as much as I was. Maybe I sound sadistic but it helped knowing that its hurting him just as much. At least we did not break up on bad terms. We won't be meeting each other but we didn't want to cut off completely so he said he would call me again a week from now to see how I was doing. And I know it was just talk but he said that if 4 years from now I am not with someone or am unhappy with someone and if he is single he would want to see if we could still be together.

4 years?? What a crock of juvenile, selfish, crap!! Please you didn't fall for that did you??

4 years???? What a crock of juvenile, selfish, crap!!!!! Please you didn't fall for that did you???

I don't intend on clinging on to that hope. I would still be meeting people here but it made me feel better.

Jellyfish, I know it sounds good to hear he cares, but please don't hold onto false hope. By that I mean, don't allow yourself to permit the thought of him staying in contact or coming back to you in four years affect how you heal and any future relationships you enter into.

Give yourself permission to fully let him go so that you can properly heal.

jellyfish, I know it sounds good to hear he cares, but please don't hold onto false hope. By that I mean, don't allow yourself to permit the thought of him staying in contact or coming back to you in four years affect how you heal and any future relationships you enter into.

Give yourself permission to fully let him go so that you can properly heal.

I am not the one calling him. But if he calls should I not speak to him even then? Since speaking to him today I have not cried at all today. I don't know if that's because I got to speak to him or because I am starting to accept that its over. And that sense of loss that I had even this morning is not as strong. Could that be because of what we spoke about? I am confused about my feelings right now

I am confused about my feelings right now

Keeping in touch with him in any way will only add to your confusion.

He called today. He will call next week. Will he keep calling every week 'to see if you are okay' until has finished schooling? What is the difference between that scenario and keeping the long distance relationship going? Only that you both are free to date other people.

What happens if he keeps up these calls for months and then finds someone and stops calling? The full hurt is only delayed. What happens if you find someone and your new boyfriend doesn't like him calling or he gets upset because you found someone who has taken what he stills thinks of as his place in your heart?

Jellyfish, I don't want to see you hurt any more or any longer than necessary. I don't want you to spend days, weeks, months, or years holding on to the next phone call just to have them stop and leave you hurting again.

It will hurt now and there will be tears, but better now than later after false hope adds its own pain into the mix.

Keeping in touch with him in any way will only add to your confusion.

He called today. He will call next week. Will he keep calling every week 'to see if you are okay' until has finished schooling? What is the difference between that scenario and keeping the long distance relationship going? Only that you both are free to date other people.

What happens if he keeps up these calls for months and then finds someone and stops calling? The full hurt is only delayed. What happens if you find someone and your new boyfriend doesn't like him calling or he gets upset because you found someone who has taken what he stills thinks of as his place in your heart?

Jellyfish, I don't want to see you hurt any more or any longer than necessary. I don't want you to spend days, weeks, months, or years holding on to the next phone call just to have them stop and leave you hurting again.

It will hurt now and there will be tears, but better now than later after false hope adds its own pain into the mix.


What you have written makes sense to me. But do I cut all contact altogether when he told me as well that he can't bear the thought of not seeing me or speaking to me ever again and that this is what's been scaring him the most. Should I give myself a time line of maybe talking to him every week for a month or so and when it slowly stops hurting as much as it is now then stop talking?

As much as it hurts both of you at this moment, I would say that you need to cut all ties at once instead of dragging it out. The only reason to give it time would be to keep up hope that the relationship isn't over.

IF the relationship has truly ended, let it go.

Hi everyone,

I took your advise and have cut off all ties with my ex. The breaking point for me came when he called and suggested that we call this a trial break up and in about four months or so we discuss the relationship again. When he said this I felt insulted that after 5 years he would need another 4 months to decide. Anyway, after that phone call something just changed for me and I have not contacted him in anyway and have made peace with the break up. In fact last week I met someone new. I really liked this guy and I don't want it to be a rebound so am taking things really slow and anyway its too early to say if anything would happen but knowing that there are other interesting people out there really helps :)

Wow, I just love to hear happy endings and when people do find their own happiness.

Wow, I just love to hear happy endings and when people do find their own happiness.

Thank you. I realized that I did everything I could to try and make things work but they did not. I really could not have done anything more without losing my dignity. All my friends are surprised to see how well I have handled the break up. Its been more than 2 weeks since our last conversation and I have no desire to go back. In fact, now I am excited to see what the future holds.

Hi Everyone,

So I was single for a while and dated other people and was happy being by myself. Then four months back my ex came back in picture when he contacted me and begged me to give him another chance. I did so cautiously and now we are engaged and getting married in September. Don't know if agreeing to marry him was the right decision but at the moment I can't see it any other way. Please wish me luck :)

I wish you well.

Did you work through the issues before getting back together?
Do you love him?
Are you happy?

Then may the two of you build a wonderful life together. :)

Keep the lines of communication open and do what you can to work together and you will be fine.

Good luck and Congratulations!