Hi,

I hope somebody can help me...

I am 27 my girlfriend is 20, Since getting together with her I have had a funny feeling that something wasn't quite right.

It's almost as if she is not into it as much as I am or something but can't seem to get to the bottom of it.

Anyway my question is this...

I always tell her how the most important thing to me is honesty.

However I have discovered a lie, I asked her if I could have a naughty photo one day (lol) even of her just in her underwear and she is all no I'm not good looking enough etc... I asked her if she has ever taken/sent a naughty photo to anyone before, even past boyfriends and she said no (I gave her 2 opertunities to tell me) However I know this isn't the case as I know of at least 2 occosaions when she sent her ex boyfriend (who she still keeps as a friend, but I don't think she likes him like that anymore) and one where she sent one of those to a random (this was all before we got together) but why lie about it? So she don't have to send me one? If so why did he get some (there was a few on each occasion) and I don't when app she loves me more.

I just don't like the dishonesty and to be honist it wouldn't have matter if she said yes she did - but she lied about it - any idea why this would be? I'm probabbly reading too much into all this but it's the dishonesty I don't like. Also she sent him a suggestive (not too bad but a bit bad) photo 3 months into our relationship and after she sent me the same pic and said it was just for me - and when I confronted her about this she said she sent it by accident because she don't rename anything and it was just numbers (it was). But now with her lying about sending any before as well I don't know if I beleve her or not. Plus it was the 2nd photo of 2 sent at the same time (so hard to be an accident?)

Ok done now - thank you for any help

Timez


(we have been together 8 months now)

You've been together 8 months and in my opinion if you keep being so obsessive about something that's actually none of your business it won't be for much longer.

It's in her past and she's probably realised she made a mistake and wants to leave it there , so should you.

Honestly she probably doesn't want to start anything. From being a girl she probably likes the attention. Not to say the attention from you isn't enough. But from others makes her feel more attractive probably. Don't let it get to you, its not like she cheated on you. Every woman has one thing to boost there drive for things, the way I look at it that's her way.

I know how it feels like when someone lies to you and you find out about it. Well, how far along are you two in a relationship when you asked for that naughty pic? It could be that she might not have been that comfortable enough to send someone she has just met a naughty pic.lol.

As for the second incident, I'd say it's best to give her the benefit of the doubt.

My advice is to try to test her out in other areas of the relationship other than pictures. i.e.: Does she keeps her word when she says she'll do something? Have you caught her lying before? etc.

How do you know about the photos that were supposedly sent to another guy?

And, it really doesn't matter anyway. You don't own her, and she doesn't have to tell you ALL of her secrets.

Don't push it.

OK I'm glad people have said that as I did think I was reading way too much into it - and I have asked her a few times for one but most recientlly yesterday (so 8 months) I just don't see the need to lie I only casually asked - have you ever sent one to anyone even bf's? And she was like - nope - knowing she had 2 times - and she was comftable enough to send one to someone she didn't even know let alone just met before - its not that she won't do me one yet - it's the lying about doing it before? She knows my number 1 need in a relationship is trust/honesty - and she just lies about it like its nothing and it makes me feel like I can't trust her properlly because it was so trivial - I mean what would it have taken to just say yeah I did before but I regret it - or anything - its not hard I just want honesty.

Any thoughts?


I guess I was just miffed that she would send him one - and twice as well - and then say I can't have one - and that she NEVER has before - I mean it makes me think well why lie about it? :(

I'm curious too about how you even found out about the pictures. Were you snooping? It almost sounds like you're trying to catch her up in something.

She may be a little embarrassed about sending the photos, so she's telling you a little white lie.

She may not have tons of confidence in the way she looks, so that may be a truthful response, or she may not want to send a picture to you, because maybe she feels like she can't trust you may not keep it private.

but she trusted him to? I don't get it - I mean it wouldn't be so bad but she knows I have a bit of a prob with them cos of how fast she got with me after they broke up - you really think it doesn't mean anything? And that I shouldn't take it personally? Its just hard to trust someone who you know is lying even if it is small. And no I wasn't snooping - I sent my friend an email and realised her email had signed in from msn after - so I went into sent messages to delete it - and then I saw that


and she sent one to a random she didn't even know so she can trust him too? I mean something isn't right here

but she trusted him to? i dont get it - i mean it wouldnt be so bad but she knows i have a bit of a prob with them cos of how fast she got with me after they broke up - you really think it doesnt mean anything? and that I shouldnt take it personally? Its just hard to trust someone who you know is lying even if it is small. and no i wasnt snooping - i sent my friend an email and realised her email had signed in from msn after - so i went into sent messages to delete it - and then i saw that

Are you saying that you accidentally sent an email to friend using her account and tried to delete that message? How did you 'see' anything without opening it up? I think you may have started innocent enough, but ended up doing some snooping. Complete honesty ahs to begin with yourself.

You said that the pics she sent were before she got involved with you. How do you know about them?

Maybe she had a change of mind after they were sent. Maybe there was some fall-out you don't know about or she watched some of the news stories about women trying to get pictures back that in retrospect they shouldn't have sent. Has she gained weight, loss muscles mass, changed her hairstyle and doesn't like it, etc. since she sent the pics. Did she send them or was there playing around with a friend and the pics were sent as a joke by the friend?

Do you consider not telling her that you 'know' about the pics to be a lie of omission? You aren't exactly being honest with her right now about your issues and concerns. Either let them go or come clean to her.

Oh, and don't play games trying to 'test' someone. You either trust her or you don't. If you do, then get over her past that she doesn't want to talk about or admit you know and discuss the issue like mature adults. If you don't trust her, did you ever trust her, can you re-gain the trust, or should you get out of the relationship and attempt to find someone who doesn't have a past to cause you to mistrust her.

OK quite a lot of questions there so ill do my best to answer them - yes that's right - I did see a message to him after we had been together for 3 months (dec it was sent) and it had the attachment icon and yes I did then snoop - and then I did look at the others too - but I can't tell her that can I?

Also she seems to be lying about how much contact she has with this ex.

And I have no choice but to test her now as she has proved she won't tell me if I ask.

And if she just started being honist I could build the trust back no problem - I haven't trusted her from nearly the start because when we 1st got together a guy came on and showed me chat logs between the both of them saying she would shag him if she was horny because they would see each other all the time (at work) they never did work together and I have not been able to let that go as much as I want to - since then she acts very suspicious and always trying to hide things - and now I'm starting to catch her in lies - the second she is 100% is the second I can start to trust her again - if she isn't honist then how can I...


And yes she has changed a lot since those pics but still why lie? She knows I wouldn't say anything about it - all I want is her honesty - she has no reason to lie about it


(she defo sent them)

So its perfectly fine for you to be dishonest and snoop, but its not okay for her to avoid the truth about her past interactions which were not your business.

At the very least you should have disclosed what you found and how you found it, and gone from there. But you have also gone a step further and jealousy and mistrust have stepped into the equation.

It's a big red flag when this level of deceit is present this early in the relationship, and its obvious you both have issues that you hide from each other. Not a good sign, after only 8 months, which is no time to know someone that well any way.

Either come clean, and get it in the open, or get away from each other. I strongly would suggest you practice what you preach before you down her for not doing what you can't do. That's hypocrisy, plain and simple and hardly honest.

You ever think she was testing YOUR honesty??? I would before I entrusted you with something so personal as a naughty picture.

There are two separate issues here.

The first being, would you be happy if she sends you a picture? Is that what you really? You keep trying to force it out of her, but she doesn't want to do it. Why are you pushing her?

The second issue is her being dishonest. You've put her in a difficult position by asking her this question. If she admits that she sent them before, then she's almost forced to send you one, which she's clearly uncomfortable doing.

If she's says no, she's a liar. It's a no-win situation for her. If you cared about her, why would you place her in such a difficult situation?

Though she might not be an angel, you should still look at yourself in the mirror and consider your own actions.

I don't care if she sends me one or not - I do care she is happy to lie to me about doing it before though. Anyway that's not the only issue - she has a hell of a lot of contact with her ex and tells me she hardly talks to him

Again why lie?

If you believe that she's lying to you, then why are you still staying in this relationship?

No trust = No relationship

Are you expecting her to stop lying and start telling the truth? That won't change the fact that she lied before.

Sounds like she wants to lie to avoid confrontation with you.

I don't mean this in a rude way, but you really just need to let this whole thing go. Just drop the situation and move on. There are bigger things in the world your other half can lie to you about. And this is not a major one at all. Its like when my grandma asked me if I loved the pants she bought me, and I said yeah. What was a little lie that made us both happy.

She wants to forget about it, and you won't let her. There is always a little lying in everyone. Remember that.

OK fair enough but what about this ex thing - she tells me they hardly talk for weeks and they talk a lot more than that - daily

Also yes I am hoping she will start telling the truth - if she does that I can begin to trust her again

Sounds like you're just torturing yourself by staying in this relationship.

You can't force her to tell the truth. She will tell you whatever she's comfortable with. If you can't accept that, then this relationship is going to end whether you want to or not.

It sounds like you're not compatible with each other and this relationship is forced. It doesn't sound natural.

Its more the lies about her ex though

Why not just leave, and be done with the lies??

Let her go. You are actively looking for reasons to not trust her.

You can't trust her because it was only a month between her ending it with her ex and starting a relationship with you.

You can't trust her because some guy wants to start trouble for her and shows you chat logs and goes on about them working together BUT THEY DON'T work together. You still hold it against her.

You can't trust her because she talks to her ex more than you think she should. 'Too much' and 'not much' are subjective terms and may be misinterpreted. She may be down playing to try to keep you from blowing up. Even so, they have remained friends or at least on friendly terms. Are their discussions causing problems with your relationship (other than they occur)?

You can't trust her because she sent 'naughty' pictures to certain people BEFORE you met her (and one mistake afterward) but won't tell you she did when you ask. In a way, she is trying to be nice by saying she didn't instead of telling you to mind your own past.

You can't trust her because you say she acts suspicious. Maybe it is because you are watching her like a hawk to make sure she doesn't step out of the boundaries set by you. If you look hard enough anything can become suspicious.

Since you don't want to discuss concerns and issues with her and work together to set boundaries and build a healthy relationship, let her go find someone who is willing to accept her and work with her without piling his baggage on her shoulders.

Well after reading your post I think it all makes a lot of sense now - and I know I do that but I wish I didn't :( - and he used to try it all the time and wouldn't stop him, now she has though. And I do want to discuss issues and boundries with her - but I don't know how to - could you tell me more? I don't want to go in all accusing - but I do want to sort this with her. I really think you could help me if you were to help me find a good way of doing that?


Because the problem I have is that I start to set them and sort it all but I get all angry because I don't get my point across - I then back out but if I had a good way of setting them (im not too sure what they are lol) then it might get sorted.

because the problem i have is that i start to set them and sort it all but i get all angry because i dont get my point across - i then back out but if i had a good way of setting them (im not too sure what they are lol) then it might get sorted.

They can't be just your boundaries. Keep in mind it isn't all about what you want and how you want it. She has to have some say in setting them too and they have to be set for both of you. You're partners not parent and child or boss and employee.

Can you try letting her know that you need to talk with her? Tell her that you are concerned. Tell her why. Don't make accusations or point fingers. Be honest with her. Listen when she talks and try not to put your own spin on what she says. If you aren't sure what she means, ask her to clarify. She should ask if she doesn't quite understand what you are saying.

Remember that she probably has issues and concerns too. It may be frustrating to hear what she thinks is going wrong, but you both need to open and honest about the present to even think about building a future.

Good luck.

It seems that you and your GF needs to find a way to communicate certain things.

Seeing as you say that the pics aren't really your problem, but the xBF than try to find out what it is exactly that bothers you about that before you talk to her.

Also let the pic thing go... If you were my BF pestering me about that I would be more Peeved with you than I can put into words. At the beginning of this thread you talk about asking and asking for naughty pics and than you found out that she had done it in the past.. OH DARE she.. (is the impression I'm getting from you) She'll send it to someone else and not me?

If someone was trying to force naughty pics out of me I wouldn't do it just out of plain'old princepals! And yes it is that simple and if my BF had snooped and found out I'd done it in the past and started bugging me even morew about it... wow..



My point is...
People change, maybe her bountries has changed. Maybe you're making TOO MUCH of a deal out of something tiny and stupid that is personal to her. Maybe you're just looking for a reason to break up with her?

And I agree with catsmine... the two of you seem as a couple that needs to set down some bounderies, but they can't all be on your terms. It takes two to tango and she needs to be allowed to have her say as well.

As for dishonesty, please... you're being dishonest about this subject as well... snooping around in her personal business and all. What she did beofre you is really non of your business, if her past bothers you: well don't ask her about it!

And another thing about dishonesty... there are far worse things to lie about and there is also a clear distinction between LYING and NOT DISCLOSING INFORMATION!

Which is what I see her as doing, she is not lying. She is just choosing to not tell you about something that is non of your business.

It seems to me that you have trust issues! If you can't take a leap of faith and trust her you might as well just get out of the relationship now.

Ok an update - last time I saw her I confronted her about it all and came clean about looking at her emails - I basiclly said I don't mind that you sent pics before its just if I ask something id rather you was honist - she said she would send me one - and I said no you don't need to - I just wanted you to be honest - she said OK. And I haven't asked her since - as I was just testing for honesty - also she told more fibs about how much she had talked to her ex and I basiclly told her I'm not comftable with him being around still esp as it is now causing her to lie to me - she said she will cut all contact with him full stop. I do now feel better all be it a bit bad - but I did come clean about snooping - and I couldn't carry on with her ex being around so I had to tell her.

Its nice and all that the two of you talked, Its also good that you feel that something's were resolved.

I will also give you kreds about coming clean about the snooping.

But to me it doesn't really seem as if you have reflected on your part in all of this. Maybe you should do a little of that as well.

also you will need to let the "fibs" go, afford the girl some privacy and don't go through her personal emails again..

even though this is resolved for now, I get a sneeking suspecion that it will arrise again at some later date if you don't relax a little.

Although I will also give you kreds and recognition that for some x's are a bit problematic and so far I feel that the thing about the x is the only real concern you should be hung up on. I also get an impression that this was at the core of the problem for you.

But yeah... bottom line is:

We also play a role in our relationships, good and bad, it's not all about the other person.

OH and also... NO CHAT SPEAK please, it makes the posts harder to read than they have to be.

Glad you feel its resolved
best of luck and have good weekend.

Yeah I know I feel awful about the snooping and wish I hadn't, and really your right, the ex has always been at the core of this since day one

And now he's gone I feel so much more relaxed, today is the first day I feel like I'm not worred about her cheating or lying anymore.

Thank you all for your posts it really helped me get everything in perspective

I'm glad that you've finally opened up the communication lines. Sometimes just talking helps work it all out.

You just have to trust her. But, if she happens to go back to talking to the ex after she's told you it's stopped, then you'll need to consider her untrustworthy and end it all.

Confront her. Let her know how you feel. Women like men who open up. Trust her when you think you need to but don't go crazy and think she is going to lie to you every chance she gets. She might have had a good reason for lying. Look into it.