The Question:

If you really like someone, how long do you wait for them to get over their ex fiancé? How do you put aside your feelings and still be their friend? Do you?

The story:

So I've liked this friend of mine for a few months now, but she was engaged so I backed off, respected her relationship and never expressed my feelings for her. One night she comes up to me and tells me she called off the engagement, we dance, we kiss, she comes home with me. Three weeks go by and we've spend A lot of time together, much of it alone. She told me she wasn’t ready, so I tried to respect that and be there as her friend. But alas one night our feelings took over. The very next day she pushed me away, told me she wanted to fix things with her ex and even told him she slept with me. Which obviously didn’t go over well.

I was devastated, and took about a day to collect my thoughts. Finally when I thought I had closure, her and I hang out in a group of mutual friends and she starts flirting with me. The very next day we get into a big fight over my being pushy and her flip-floping. I couldn’t handle it anymore, so I initiated no-contact... that lasted about three days until we saw each other at school (were in grad school together). She later contacted me, I told her I couldn’t keep playing this game... but she told me things had changed so I went back to talking to her.

Turns out, she agreed with her ex that they wouldn’t see each other for awhile, take a break or whatever, but that they wouldn’t see other people either. She has clearly expressed her desire not to lose her ex, but also her desire to be with me. I've told her I would respect her promise to him so long as she wanted me to, but I find that difficult to do.

Where do I go from here? I've never felt so strongly about a girl in my life (I am 24). One minute she says she wants to be friends, and the next minute she says we can't be alone because she doesn't trust herself not to kiss me. I want to wait, I want to be supportive, but I also want her in my life... I don't know what to do.

She is confused and she is sending you so many mixed signals its impossible for you to know where you stand.

I would tell her that you care for her and when she decides what she wants you may be there for her but you should not put your life on hold in the meantime.

Your relationship with her is only adding to her confusion.

She is still trying to work things out with the ex and I would express your feelings and then back off.

You can't be friends at this juncture as you have already passed the friend stage.
It sounds like you are setting yourself up for a world of hurt and disappointment.

Sounds like she's on the rebound.

Keep in touch, but back away from the physical aspects so that you don't become friends with benefits.

Enjoy the time that you spend together. Let things flow naturally. You can't expect her to jump into another relationship right away.

Yea, her and I have talked about whether I'm a rebound or not... she doesn't want me to be, but I don't think she can control that. I don't want to be that, because as you point out artlady, the rebound tends to get the shaft.

I tried to pull away, and not be her friend, but I couldn't last three days. And those were three agonizing days. We see each other every day atm, after school gets out things might be easier as I may be out of town for 10 weeks.

She has asked me to just be a friend right now, but she has also told me she would understand if I run away before I get hurt more...

I think I am going to take a mix of your guys advice. I will keep hanging out with her and enjoy the time we spend together. I don't need the physical side to enjoy her company. I need to play it cool for now. We have two more years of school together, and if she's ready in that time maybe we can be. But at the moment, I am setting myself up for disaster. I need to stop putting myself on hold, its not fair to me. I will keep in touch, and even come see her a few times this summer, but I also see what other fish are in the sea. If/when she is ready, if my feelings for her are still as strong as they are now, then maybe we can be together.

Now the question becomes: how do I convey to her that this how I feel?

There is no need to convey how you feel anymore. She already knows. Go out, have fun because it sounds like you are slowly becoming her safety net and no one wants to be that.

You say that you can hang out with her and not have the physical side to enjoy being with her. But let me tell you that is a lot easier said then done. I have been through it and as soon as you get to the point where you actual can just hangout as friends something will happen (physically I mean) and it will just blow up all the work you put in to just being friends and you will be right back where you started confused!

Talaniman Rule- Never ever mess with any one who has just dumped their partner

Talaniman Rule- Stay away from any one that has an ex involved in their lives.

Talaniman Rule - Never ever get to close to a person that has a committed partner in their lives.
There are no ifs, ands, or butts about it. You deal with your feelings no matter how intense, or you get played for a fool!

There is nothing left to say, but leave her alone, and act like she doesn't exist.

Don't abide by the rules... you pay the price of breaking them.