What happens if my wife leaves Ca. for NY. With my two boys before I can file an ex parte custody order? I want her to stay here and work things out, but she is very mad because I won't move her to NY. Any help would be appreciated.

You file IMMEDIATELY and explain the necessity for speed.

Are you legally separated - I gather not (by the way).

If she leaves she will look like the parent who removed the children from their "other" parent without cause. However, at the moment you both have equal rights to your children and she can move wherever, whenever she wants.

I'm a little confused - she's just going to pick up and move because you won't move her to NY? She wants you to go with her? She wants to simply move back?

You file IMMEDIATELY and explain the necessity for speed.

Are you legally separated - I gather not (by the way).

If she leaves she will look like the parent who removed the children from their "other" parent without cause. However, at the moment you both have equal rights to your children and she can move wherever, whenever she wants.

I'm a little confused - she's just going to pick up and move because you won't move her to NY? She wants you to go with her? She wants to simply move back?

Dear judy, thanks for the answer! I really appreciate it! No, this issue has been in our lives for a long time and my wife gets angrier by the week at the moment. She has abused me verbally and now refuses to pay rent or the car payment, even trying to sell our van right out from under us, but it still has a lien on it. Last night everything came to a head, I drank a glass of wine and took a bath, and got angry and yelled at her, so she called the cops, boy did they try to bait me into fighting with them... I just said "sorry" to everything they said and they left without jumping on me, but now I think I have messed things up. I wonder if I can document anything with a social worker... anyway thank you very much Judy, I appreciate you time, you must be very cool to help people. Very sincerely scot

Are you wanting to file for divorce? In order to have the hearing and sooner than it would be you need to explaine the situation when you file. Do you have a lawyer? That would help dearly. Do you know if the mother has a place to go to NY and when she is planning on going? Again does she want you to go with? I too am not fully grasping the situation.

You need to file for both at the same time. File for divorce and have the custody in the paperwork. Once you get it started there is a 6 month separation period before a divorce can be granted. Also mediation is mandatory.

dear judy, thanks for the answer! i really appreciate it! no, this issue has been in our lives for a long time and my wife gets angrier by the week at the moment. she has abused me verbally and now refuses to pay rent or the car payment, even trying to sell our van right out from under us, but it still has a lein on it. last night everything came to a head, i drank a glass of wine and took a bath, and got angry and yelled at her, so she called the cops, boy did they try to bait me into fighting with them...i just said "sorry" to everything they said and they left without jumping on me, but now i think i have messed things up. i wonder if i can document anything with a social worker...anyway thank you very much Judy, i appreciate you time, you must be very cool to help people. very sincerely scot


Oh, Scott. It sounds like your life is spinning out of control. And, yes, I know what you mean about being "baited" to say or do something.

What happened didn't necessarily harm/hurt you - EVERYONE argues. Sometimes people call the Police. Sometimes they don't. You weren't charged which means there was no abuse. No, you didn't mess up - don't be hard on yourself.

I don't think I'm cool - it just so happens that I went through a brutal divorce some years ago. Fortunately my life has gone on... but I've never forgotten what I went through.

Get yourself an Attorney (if you can afford one) and get yourself to Court (by yourself if you have to).

And please come back and let us know how things work out.

(Is there any possibility - and this has no place on the legal threads - that your wife will go for counselling? I'm in NY - tell her with this economy, this is no great place to be!)

- Hold on. It'll get better.

Oh, Scott. it sounds like your life is spinning out of control. And, yes, I know what you mean about being "baited" to say or do something.

What happened didn't necessarily harm/hurt you - EVERYONE argues. Sometimes people call the Police. Sometimes they don't. You weren't charged which means there was no abuse. No, you didn't mess up - don't be hard on yourself.

I don't think I'm cool - it just so happens that I went through a brutal divorce some years ago. Fortunately my life has gone on ... but I've never forgotten what I went through.

Get yourself an Attorney (if you can afford one) and get yourself to Court (by yourself if you have to).

And please come back and let us know how things work out.

(Is there any possibility - and this has no place on the legal threads - that your wife will go for counselling? I'm in NY - tell her with this economy, this is no great place to be!)

- Hold on. It'll get better.

Judy is the coolest next to glaciers :)

Oh, Scott. it sounds like your life is spinning out of control. And, yes, I know what you mean about being "baited" to say or do something.

What happened didn't necessarily harm/hurt you - EVERYONE argues. Sometimes people call the Police. Sometimes they don't. You weren't charged which means there was no abuse. No, you didn't mess up - don't be hard on yourself.

I don't think I'm cool - it just so happens that I went through a brutal divorce some years ago. Fortunately my life has gone on ... but I've never forgotten what I went through.

Get yourself an Attorney (if you can afford one) and get yourself to Court (by yourself if you have to).

And please come back and let us know how things work out.

(Is there any possibility - and this has no place on the legal threads - that your wife will go for counselling? I'm in NY - tell her with this economy, this is no great place to be!)

- Hold on. It'll get better.

Thanks judy, because of writing to you guys, things are a lot clearer for me! My love for my sons will take me to some new places in the future I'm sure, but I haven't stayed with this terminally angry woman for almost 8 years without learning some great things about commitment and love... if I can't keep her I have faith my sons and I will never be parted... :) and no, she refuses to get counseling because then she would have to accept some blame, and that's one thing she can't seem to do! Thank you so much judy and I am very sorry about your divorce, I hope you had some God sent friends to help you through it... by the way, you're super cool!!

Are you wanting to file for divorce? In order to have the hearing and sooner than it would be you need to explaine the situation when you file. Do you have a lawyer? That would help dearly. Do you know if the mother has a place to go to NY and when she is planning on going? Again does she want you to go with? I too am not fully grasping the situation.

Thank you very much stinawords, this is a tough one, but I know if I keep on smiling it will be okay... she dearly wants to be with her family who all live north and west of manhattan, they came here from the philippines during the past 6 years. With the anger between us I really don't want to go with her, and I don't even want to go there. I don't want to get divorced though.

Scott, I didn't see it then but I see it now. My husband and I divorced, I was alone for a number of years and then a man literally blew into my life, changed everything. We were only married 5 years when he died but I would change nothing (if I could).

Everything happens for a purpose, everything.

I was divorced, I remarried, I was widowed, I am now happily remarried.

It will work out for you, too. You have to look ahead, not behind.

Stay strong.

Scott, I didn't see it then but I see it now. My husband and I divorced, I was alone for a number of years and then a man literally blew into my life, changed everything. We were only married 5 years when he died but I would change nothing (if I could).

Everything happens for a purpose, everything.

I was divorced, I remarried, I was widowed, I am now happily remarried.

It will work out for you, too. You have to look ahead, not behind.

Stay strong.

I guess I wouldn't change anything either! The pain, the great times, hoping for great times to come, what a beautiful thing life is! I have lived so long as the "bad guy" to everyone in my wifes' family, I wonder what a loving, caring nurturing woman will feel like... we brought two beautiful boys into this world, what a blessing for me! I was raised in poughkeepsie,ny and had a couple of suicides in my family and my wife wants to live in white plains near her dad... she's philipina and they come from manilla, so I guess if you've lived there, you don't really care about living where beauty is, it's possible I can live in s.carolina or n.carolina and visit the boys a lot! Who knows what is in store, I will just be mindful of the pain to come... thank you judy, thanks for your support and time

So tomorrow you will consult with an attorney and file, right?

I'm glad you are starting to see a light at the end of the tunnel. But please don't let this all go by the wayside. First thing in the morning is when you will have to act. The longer you wait the harder it will be. If you can't afford an attorney you can still get the ball rolling it is just a LOT easier if you have one to make sure everything needed is included and covered.

- What they said. Get your thoughts in line and GO FILE!

- What they said. Get your thoughts in line and GO FILE!

Dear judy, I'm back.. I went to a family law facilitator at the court and they helped me to finish all the paperwork I needed, it is 5 packets, about 19 pages, I need a court case to begin with to even file this order, so I chose the least of them all, the custody and support case. But I don't have the $355.00 filing fee. I've seen her twice since last week, she is staying at her cousins house,and he has allowed me to come there to see the kids. It seems very weird to have to rely on another person to see my own sons, after spending every day with them since they were born. Today my wife and I sat down to talk at his house, and she was very angry with what she said. She wants to go to the east coast, without me, she says she won't ask for support or anything. Boy she thinks I am a fool, she can always get back support later when I have more money, but I can't believe she thinks I won't be near my kids!
Sincerely scot

Scott, you're taking all the right steps and I can see the inner strength in your words.

Good for you! {{ cyberhug }}

Yes, now find the money and file, sell something, pawn it, get a second job.

Also ask if they can waive the fee for it since you have no money. If you qualify then the fees may possibly be waved. Be sure to ask.

she says she won't ask for support or anything. boy she thinks i am a fool, she can always get back support later when i have more money, but i can't believe she thinks i won't be near my kids!!
sincerely scot

Two comments to make on the above. First, she generally can't ask back support from before she files for support. Second, your approach should be to let her move, but not with the kids.

One other point, you said she was filipino. How long did you know her before you married, how did you get together, how long were married?

Also ask if they can waive the fee for it since you have no money. If you qualify then the fees may possibly be waved. Be sure to ask.

Thank you very much, I didn't think of that! She left me to go to her cousins without paying any bills for the apartment for the past 3 weeks! I have had to pay everything... I wonder if that will work...

yes, now find the money and file, sell something, pawn it, get a second job.

Thank you guy, I will try all I can, starting tomorrow.. tonight I got to pray and I'm also going to pray to have no vindictive anger in my heart, or at least as little as possible... thanks for your advice
Sincerely scot:)

This is a legal thread so this personal advice is out of line BUT the way to keep from being vindictive is to always put your children first. I HATE people who quote Judge Judy but when she was actually on the NYC bench she said, "Love your children more than you hate each other" and I find that to be true.

Oh, Scott. it sounds like your life is spinning out of control. And, yes, I know what you mean about being "baited" to say or do something.

What happened didn't necessarily harm/hurt you - EVERYONE argues. Sometimes people call the Police. Sometimes they don't. You weren't charged which means there was no abuse. No, you didn't mess up - don't be hard on yourself.

I don't think I'm cool - it just so happens that I went through a brutal divorce some years ago. Fortunately my life has gone on ... but I've never forgotten what I went through.

Get yourself an Attorney (if you can afford one) and get yourself to Court (by yourself if you have to).

And please come back and let us know how things work out.

(Is there any possibility - and this has no place on the legal threads - that your wife will go for counselling? I'm in NY - tell her with this economy, this is no great place to be!)

- Hold on. It'll get better.

Dear judy, what a month it has been, do you remember me? I finally filed a custody and support order with the superior court here, but then my wife hit me with a lot of lies on a domestic violence restraining order which allowed her to keep the kids away from me with no contact until our case this Friday July 2. wish me luck on this, I will bring witnesses and movies and pictures and even the police report to show what she wrote in the restraining order declaration was lies. She claims I sexually abuse the boys and that I did it to her daughter! Thank you for being there when I needed someone the most, God bless you judy, sincerely scot

Thanks fro providing an update. Good luck and keep us posted.