I need help. I've been married for 15 with ups and downs like everyone else, but for the most part very happy. I am still in love with my husband like the first day, I've always supported him on everything he decides to do. Everything seemed perfect for a while until about three weeks ago, when he started to ask weird questions. The first one was about getting divorced and how we are not as intimate as we should and that he knows he is the problem and that he was going to get help. So I was so confused and I asked him if he still loved me and he said well yes but I don't know what we are missing, there is just something and I need to work on that. Anyhow last night out of the blue, he decided to give me my mother's day present and told me that he is not happy, that he feels like there is something missing in our relationship and then he started to ask me about my past as if we were just starting to date, and he went on and asked me of why I moved in with him? And How I could say that I love him, if maybe I just like him!! And why we got intimate so fast after meeting each other, anyhow I try to tell him how I felt when I met him and don't get me wrong but I felt in love with him right away he was just the right person, funny, attractive and just loveable. I tell him that I just knew he was the right person for me and that I felt that I was going to spend the rest of my life with him, and of course he doesn't understand that he just says but why? But why so fast? And I am just so confused as to why he is even questioning this after 15 yrs, or is this just an excuse to get divorced. I still love him a lot and I am just so hurt. I don't know what to think, we dated for 1yr before I moved in with him, it's not like it was a day. Please help!!

It would appear that your husband is not so much questioning your love for him as he is questioning the relationship in general and perhaps his feelings for you.

After fifteen years the hearts and flowers begin to fade but a deeper more profound love emerges but many people miss that *I can't get enough of you,intense desire*.

Perhaps he is feeling unattractive or maybe he is going through a mid life crisis.

I would keep the conversation going and get to the heart of the matter.

For men a mid life crisis can begin as early as the 30's.I would educate myself about male mid life crisis and see if he does not fit any of the criteria.

Thank you for your advise! I will look that up. He also just talked to his dad whom is 52 and he said that he feels the same way so now he feels like he shouldn't make the same mistake. Thank You again!

I would just like to ask, when is the last time he had a complete physical, and has the issue of depression come up?

Found this article enlightening. May explain some of my husband's symptoms of late.

http://ezinearticles.com/?Early-Signs-of-Male-Menopause&id=974673

His last physical was 2 yrs ago, and he doesn't act or he doesn't think he is depressed, but he has gone through so many changes lately. He was converted to another religion which he liked for a while, now he doesn't, he has changed careers at least three times in the last year. He lost a business that was in dream since I met, and that was the first part of last year...

If he is feeling down, the type of questions he's asking you seem to be things that he needs to hear to reasure himself. Of love, of stability, etc. The more I read about male menopause, the more I learn about my husband too. I'm really glad you asked the question.

He's gone through a lot of changes! Major ups and downs. Maybe he feels he's lost his footing a bit. I think most of us at some point in our lives, wonder about 'what if's', and maybe all the events of last year has him searching for answers to put his doubts to rest.

One thing you might try is ask him if he'd find using a diary might be helpful for him to sort his thoughts. At the risk of sounding sexist, talking is easy for women, about emotions, feelings and upsets, but for guys, perhaps not so much, and maybe a sense of being less manly or something. Just my opinion, but maybe some men will weigh in on this.

If he can write things out, he may feel more settled with the thoughts and questions he wants answers to. And, it may be worthwhile to spend some quality, quiet time with him every week. Set aside even two hours on a Friday night, and hit the library or coffee shop and just talk.

Thank you for your advise! That is probably what we need, just time for ourselves. We have two little kids and they have taken our time lately. But do you think that is why he all of the sudden decided to bring his and my past up, since we never really talked about it, it was hard to talk about it then, but he is even talking about his first love and how he loved her and that he has felt that way until just yesterday, but he still says that he doesn't know if is love, or just that he is thankful for everything that I've done for him.

Listen and reassure him, but don't take it personally or think something needs to be fixed. He isn't going through the change, he is having a growth spurt, and questions everything about himself to know how to deal with himself. Happens often after long periods of trial and error, but he will eventually make some adjustments to his thinking to put himself on solid ground.

Its not you, its him. Just pay close attention, but say little. Guys are complicated, and they keep growing, and learning about themselves.

Thank you so much "talaniman"! This has been so hard. I'm hurting so much, and have to hold it in. He was ready to leave last Thursday, luckily he talked to a good friend of his, and told him that it was normal he was feeling this was, and that no matter what he did, he should not leave his family or get divorced. So He is still home, but I am trying to help him and I just can't, he won't let me. Everything that I say bothers him, he thinks that I am bossing him, although I am just wanting to let him know that I'm there for him, that I'm really trying to show him that I love him, but all I get is rejection. My daughter is almost 5, so I try no to cry in front of her, but it has been impossible since she is always with me and he just keeps talking about all the mistakes that he has made and how much he has hurt women in general, but yet I guess to him I am not part of that. I do want to show him that I care and that I do love him but I don't want to over do it. I am trying to give him his space, but if I do that he won't try to talk to me, and I don't want to loose him. Am I doing the right thing?

Often we act out of fear. Act instead out of understanding he needs space. He is going through something, and whatever it is HE has to handle it. For the good of you both, he is the one to face his demons, and you have to let him. He can talk when he is ready, but all of us fellows go through this when we transform from happy go lucky, not a care in the world grown kids to responsible rational adults who know what the right thing to do is.

Its easier when we have positive males around us who understand but don't judge.

Guilt also plays a major role in his thinking, whether it is true or not, but he really does have to get a handle on himself to move forward, and maybe restless and irritable and quick tempered.

Be patient, and put up with no bad behavior, or disrespect. Sometimes a hug does more than a conversation, but space is needed.

Woman go through this also "growing pains" when they start to see the guys different, and exciting adventurous bad boys, get replaced by dull solid men who work and pay the electric bill.

Patience, and don't judge.

Wow, I will give him his space. Should I still let him tell me all of his feelings even though they are painful, since he normally talks about not being happy, and how he has never been happy with me, but yet he married me and we have two kids now. He also mentions his family and how unhappy they all are because they were never happy to begin with and now he thinks he doesn't want to make the same mistake. It just hurts because he changed so quickly. We were just living the best time of our marriage or at least that is what I thought, and now he says that, that was because he was trying so hard to make this work but that is not who he is. All of his goals were OURS and now they are just his, and he says that he just wants to accomplish them all on his own when not too long ago, he had said that there was no way he would have made it this far without my support and my patience. It hurts to talk about all this but I know is probably what he needs, but what should I do in the meantime, I am always so emotional and I try not to cry but I can't help it.

I feel your pain, and confusion. But I think all marriages go through this, so don't take it personally, but I wish I could give you a secret magic pill to get you through this.

Perhaps your parents, or an older trusted adult, or best friend, could help support you, and give you counsel, even a professional.

All I can do is advise, and give you a cyber hug >at you<, and tell you to be strong. All storms pass.

Thank you for that HUG!;) It was a horrible night again. He didn't come home until 2 am, he text me throughout the night to let me know that he was coming home and didn't make it until early this morning. I kept it cool. Didn't question anything or acted upset when he got home, instead I stayed up so that we could talk if he wanted and he did. We talked for a while, even though we both had to get up at 5 am, it felt good to talk to him, until he stresses all of his goals and he makes sures that I know they are just his, and he doesn't want me to be part of them, he also talks about all the hard work that he will doing for our kids, as if he has decided to leave, I tried to just touch his arm to show my support on whatever decision he makes, and trust me this was so hard! And he just rejected me and told me to stop, and to leave him alone that we were just talking and that he didn't ask me to stay up late... I don't get it, but I am trying and I will keep trying like I've had for the past 15 yrs... Every morning when I wake up, I am always hoping for everything to be the same, just not having to worry about anything, just enjor life and now I don't even know if I should say good morning or wait until he talks to me. I would have never imagined that I was going to go through this, after the wonderful times that we had.:confused:

What goals particularly, is he talking about.

And this going out alone at night, is this also a new thing for him?

He never used to go out at all. He started to drink a lot which he had stop for a while since he had said that he didn't see the point of drinking and now...
As in regards to his goals, he wants to finish his realtors license and just develop and buy property, investments and possilby a rehab center, which I understand, but he always used to ask me for advise about it and wanted my input now he talks to me about it but doesn't want my opinion at all, he gets upset and reassures that he is doing this for him by himself.

Thank you for bringing more clarity to your situation.

I use to hate it when my wife waited up for me, but that was before I realized the depth of her concern.

I think that giving him space is just realizing when he needs it most (after a night out), and your relationship and the way you communicate will change. It has too. Neither of you is the same person, and his journey to maturity may be a selfish one at first, but he does struggle with it.

Again, don't take it personally, and have some patience and understanding. Now that doesn't mean you have to accept bad behavior discourtesy or disrespect. But it does mean you pick your battles with thought, and let a lot go as you both make adjustments. Good times are great memories, and motivations, but reality will bring tough times to which will define how you work together, and interact in the future, so have your own balance in life with friends, and activities you enjoy, as he gets the conflict of his own minds resolved. He has been clear on that, with his grumpy a$$. ( I may have been too, at the time), and my wife just ignored me and did her own thing until I started to get it.

I think all committed couples go through this, and many survive because they deal with things in a mature way (at least from one of them, LOL!). Many do not, but he comes home to you and is still talking so have heart, and listen.

Get your sleep, and tell him good morning, and bite his a$$ if he just growls. That's how you give him space, to deal with his changing world, and establish the boundaries of good behavior.

As in life, once we weather the storm, the sun shines again, and the good times roll (until the next storm, and there is always a next storm, so just keep the umbrella handy)!

Thank you for bringing more clarity to your situation.

I use to hate it when my wife waited up for me, but that was before I realized the depth of her concern.

I think that giving him space is just realizing when he needs it most (after a night out), and your relationship and the way you communicate will change. It has too. Neither
Thank you again! So far I've done everything that you've said and it seems to be working, I really appreciate all of your support, it has been one of the toughest situations for both, worst than when we lost the business, but I've found the support that I need here and even if I just vent and find myself not as depressed until I get home to something new and I don't want to log in at home, because I don't want him to read my feelings. THANK YOU, THANK YOU!! :o

We vent, and RANT all the time around here. Glad you joined the party:D

We vent, and RANT all the time around here. Glad you joined the party:D

We're also good for entertainment value on some of the boards. :D

The only thing I will add is to watch the children for signs that his moodiness is affecting them. Children usually know a lot more about what is going on than they are given credit for. They also tend to internalize any upset they are feeling.

Good luck and I hope he matures quickly. :)

The only thing I will add is to watch the children for signs that his moodiness is affecting them
Interesting... I did notice a change of behavior on my 4 yr old, she is more stubborn and just cryes to get attention. She argues back all the time, which she never used to do. She over does it in front of my husband and we thought that is was due to our new addition or just the age. If is just ous two she listens more and understands when I ask her to do something rather than having battles with her on sharing with her brother or getting her to help around the house. I am glad to have found you!! ;)

Interesting...I did notice a change of behavior on my 4 yr old, she is more stubborn and just cryes to get attention. She argues back all the time, which she never used to do. She over does it infront of my husband and we thought that is was due to our new addition or just the age. If is just ous two she listens more and understands when I ask her to do something rather than having battles with her on sharing with her brother or getting her to help around the house. I am glad to have found you!!!;)

It could be age related. If daddy doesn't interact with her as much as you do, she could be trying to get his attention, which is very normal at her age. It could also be her way of telling you that she is picking up on the tensions in the house.

He could use a "man-cave"!! Probably, so can you!

That is it, but I am not even going to attempt to go there, he is already having issues anyway and if I ask him to spend more time with her or interact he will think I am trying to control him, or use the kids to keep him around, since he told me that this past weekend. He can't even stand to hear them play, everything bothers him about them. My son has had a fever since Sunday and he has not asked once if I've taken him to the doctors or how he is feeling, his fever was so high last night and even with the medicine in him, and did he care to ask when he got home from being out all day? NO!! This is something else that is stressing me out, since I feel that I have to make sure my kids don't fuss or cry otherwise he just says: do you think this is going to make it better! And then I get frustrated because I feel like my kids are horrible although I know they are not but I'm trying to keep him content.

he also talks about all the hard work that he will doing for our kids

However, he doesn't want to have anything to do with 'our kids'?


This is something else that is stressing me out, since I feel that I have to make sure my kids don't fuss or cry otherwise he just says: do you think this is going to make it better! And then I get frustrated because I feel like my kids are horrible although I know they are not but I'm trying to keep him content

That almost makes me want to recommend that his 'man cave' be a doghouse.


My son has had a fever since Sunday

I hope the little guy gets to feeling better very quickly. :)

Have you heard of BeKoool Kids gel pads for reducing fever?
BeKool Kids (http://www.kobayashihealthcare.com/kids/index.html)

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I hope the little guy gets to feeling better very quicklyThank you for your concern, he is doing better!
Well, my husband surprisingly didn't go to the bar last night, but he left to the "bookstore" as soon as I got home from work and was gone pretty much all evening. By the time he got home he talked again, but it was all about the kids and I just sat down and listened. But it seems like if I say what I think is happening to him, or just my opinion, he just gets upset and tells me that I have no idea what he is going through, so I just listened but then he wants to know what I think and I just tell him that it doesn't matter obviously he's already made up his mind, and we don't feel the same way about each other, then he goes on to tell me that he knows that he will better off without me and that maybe he will be a better father, as if I was the problem! He was gone for about a week to see an ill relative and he went out pretty much everyday, so he said that when he was gone that week he felt free and he didn't miss me at all or thought about me and that is why he knows that he doesn't want to be with me, he said he didn't feel any remorse about going out to a club, which we never do as a couple or I should say haven't done in a long time. He expects me to seat there and just let him tell me that he doesn't love me and I should just smile about it. I'm still shocked about all this as it is. I never visualized me as a single mother. He also was talking about all this divorce books that he was glancing through at the bookstore and that all make sense. I think that you attract what you want in your life and I learned that from him, since he used to be so possitive and such a great, fun person to be with. So what am I supposed to think? Obviously he is attracting divorce... why not look for marriage and happy couples or anything that can bring this back, but of course I kept it all in, I am just praying that somehow he runs into someone that we'll make me realize that he is going through a crisis and he needs help. Although he had said that he was going to get help up to today I haven't seen him calling or doing anything about it, other than drinking away and just avoiding being home. I can't get over this whole thing, I cry pretty much all day and all night. Nights are worst for me since he is home and I have him close but I have to keep my distance. :(

One suggestion after reading through all this. Have you tried not making statements and simply asking questions to draw him out? With some people that tactic alone can reverse their withdrawing into themselves.

I'm not qualified to make any diagnosis but it does seem he is feeding his self-esteem to his doubts bit by bit by bit.

I don't even respond anymore, I just listened and try not to show my pain, since I've read some other threats here. What questions should I ask?regarding our marriage, or just him?

What is his relationship to his father, and what kind of background was his family like? Does he have friends?

He sounds like a guy who needs some talking to by an older male.

What is his relationship to his father, and what kind of background was his family like? Does he have friends??

Well, that actually started this whole thing. He didn't grow up with his dad. His dad cheated on his mom while she was pregnant with him, but they were not married. My husband met him when he was 13 and see him not as often as he would like to, but they are so close even though they hardly ever talk, is weird. They are so much alike, they think and act alike in so many ways. So that week that he was gone, like I mentioned earlier, he spent a day with him, and his dad confesed to my husband that he was still in love with his mother and has never been happy with his wife of 27 yrs, that he regrets all the damage and everything that he did to her and to other women, just like my husband feels, and I think that is where my husband started thinking of all the women that he has hurt and been with and also his first love and how he also cheated on her although they didn't have any kids and he was very young, so that is why he starting to doubt about our marriage because of this conversation with his dad. Keep in mind that my husband loves his dad like nobody else, he looks up to him, he know how much they thinks alike and act alike, even though it might not be a good action, he is always proud of him.

I think you back up, and not take his vents, or rants personally, and do for yourself what you need to, that makes you happy, while he gets his own head together.

While he suffers, and you do too, because you are there helpless, to do for him, all you can do is encourage and support, and make sure you do for yourself.

It's a realization that takes adjusting too. But you can get through this. Sometimes silence, and taking no action, is the best action.

I think you back up, and not take his vents, or rants personally, and do for yourself what you need to, that makes you happy, while he gets his own head together.


Thank you so much!

I am still so confused, and apparently so is he. We are still sleeping together, he acts like nothing is going on, we talk some but not as much as we used to. I try not to ask him too many questions or bug him, but it is hard when I see him thinking constantly and not really listening when we talk to him. I did notice how protective of his phone is has become, which he never cared, so I decided to look into it and of course found a number that I didn't recognized and is an out of state number, so I didn't say anything to him, since he does have family near that city. I figure I should check his contacts first then may be. I checked every single contact just in case it was a secondary number, but nothing, and to make it worse, he has been deleting all of his calls as he finishes and also his texts, but I did notice on his "previous text" that number was there as if he texted. I am trying to be optimistic about it, but why delete them if there isn't anything to hide, right? When he dials the number he makes it private so that they won't call him back either. The area code is nowhere near where his relatives live, I googled it and found a name, but now what... should I call it? Should I talk to him first? Or should I just wait. When we talked this past weekend he told me not to worry about anything, that he is with me now and that only time will decide, but when I found out all of this, I am just so hurt, I can't even sleep just thinking of what he says or texts to this person, why so secretive. I've tried to be so patient and even affectionate, but he just almost gives me a disgusted look. When we go to bed, he waits downstairs until he thinks that I'm asleep then he comes up to our bedroom. I still try to get close to him, but he just sleeps as far as he can, if I we meet down the hallway or in the kitchen he completely turns his back on me. I don't know if I should just ignore him and not try anymore, but I'm afraid that if I do that he will have an excuse to blame it all on me and then leave. Please help.

I knew this was coming.
I read through all of this because I did not want to jump to conclusions. He may be going through a mid life crises but my first thought was he has a girl friend, may be a cyber-one, but one nevertheless.

Don't take anymore crap from him. Tell him if he is going through something he needs to takes steps to get help but you will not tolerate you and the kids being disrespected.
I would also tell him if he has a girl friend (and yes I'd let him know about the phone and texts) he needs to decide if he wants a good wife and family or a girl friend because he cannot have both. And don't give him forever to make up his mind.

If you decide to let him hang around, get some counseling for yourself so this won't break you.
I wish you well.

You need to be alert and get more facts, and never act on assumptions.

After 15 happy years, you have a storm brewing, to deal with.

I've been so sick to my stomach all morning from this. I can't stop thinking about what he is doing, or if he's on the phone with her right now, or wondering what time he'll call her. I never had a problem leaving my personal problems outside of work, but right now I can't even concentrate. I called him not too long ago, and he didn't answer, which he normally always does. I was so tempted to call her, but then again, I don' want to make him upset, I am scared to lose him, I hate feeling this way. I know I shouldn't be afraid, but this is something that I never thought I was going to experience. We weren't having any issues at all until this all of the sudden appeared. I just want my marriage back. I want to enjoy life. I want to have fun with our kids and most of all I want to be loved. This is so painful... I hate my life right now.

I still think you need to sit down and voice your concerns. He needs to know what he is doing to you and the family and he needs to explain himself, get some help or deal with what he is doing.
Tip toeing around this will not make it go away.
Get some counseling yourself though so you can get through this.
I wish you well.

Thank you, I will try to bring it up tonight. I know I need to do this not only for me but for my kids. I just hate it. I sometimes hope that it was a nightmare. That somehow I will wake up one morning and everything will be back to normal. I pray for strength everyday.

I know this is very hard. I went through this in my own marriage many years ago and you can get past it.

If it is not another woman, you still need to talk to him and get an understanding.
If he is not willing to get help, if it is not another woman, then he needs to decide to treat you his kids and the marriage with respect.
I will keep you in my prayers.

Thank you again. I should just get the courage to do it, but it is so hard. I will get help and if he wants to go, great, if not I still have to do it for me. I am so drepressed that I cry over everything. I can even have anyone ask how I am doing, because I start to cry. I think of all the good times and how hard is going to be without him. My daughter doesn't want to go to bed because she thinks she is never going to see him again.

Perhaps you can suggest marriage counseling to him. This affects the family so he really needs to take steps to do something.

Your husband needs to snap the heck out of this funk that he is in. He needs to KNOW that you suspect he is seeing another woman. He cannot be married, and be a good father, and DATE.

I wonder who is at the other end of that phone number? And if that person knows that your husband is actually a married man? It's hard to say if you should call it or not. You say that you don't want to upset him. Well, if it's nothing, then it's nothing. But if it's a woman, and it sure sounds like it is, then he should be held to task for infidelity. He is cheating on you, AND your children. You have the right to know what it is in your husband's life that is making him question his self as a husband and father. This is your family, and you should fight for it. Maybe it is just a midlife crisis, or maybe even a crush. But for him to be cold and distant, secretive, and mysterious, then you are due some sort of explanation. From a man who has the BALLS to tell the truth.

I know this is preying your heart and mind. And for that I truly feel for you. But he should come clean at all costs. To he! With walking on eggshells, and washing his clothes, and cooking his meals, and whatever else you are doing for him.

He needs to man up and show some spine.

I truly hope you both can get into therapy.

God bless you.

That is so true. He's cheating not only on me but my kids. Last night after work, I got home and he was finishing a course online so we didn't talk for a while, I ate dinner by myself with my kids. Later on we talked about his day and what he learned today. We are both in our thirties. He has changed careers several times, and unfortunately has not worked for five months, he decided to finish his real state, and I supported him on his decision, again. I've been supporting our family which I don't mind, but to find all this calls while I'm working for our kids. I don't think is fair. I didn't bring anything up last night since he acts like nothing is going on, he is still distant, but he has always been. He has a hard time showing his feelings. I knew this, but now it seems like he finds an excuse to be mean so that I keep my distance from him. It's working! Last night I was trying to cuddle with him and he moved away so I didn't try anymore, I just moved over to my side of the bed and went to bed. When I woke up this morning he acted as if nothing ever happened, but I caught myself being more angry than normal. He had his list of things to do for today and the last thing on there was "call a friend", so I was going to ask him after he got done working out but decided not to take it personal. I thought to myself maybe he's just speaking in general. If not I will find out anyway. I will bring it up, but I want to wait for the right time. Part of me wants to confront him so bad, so that he knows that I'm no stupid that I've known about all this calls, by the way I googled that number and it is a girl's cell phone, I am trying to find out his "first love's name" to compare it. Once I confront him, I will call just so that she knows what is going on, if it is his ex, she knows according to him that he's married, and obviously if she doesn't care to break a family that tell you what type of person she is. Every day I notice how I am getting more furious and upset about the whole thing, but that is giving me courage to do what I need to do. I'm going to miss him. We had so many plans together, but again I can't force someone to be with me. I need to be loved. I deserve to be loved. We had talked about therapy awhile back and he said he was willing to go, but then ordered some sort of dvd from the internet for marriage therapy, then he decided he didn't want them. We never even watched them. When I bring up counseling he changes the subject immediately, so we'll see. I'll try again tonight. I'm sure I'll be back later depending on how my day goes. Thank you all!

You have every right to be upset. He is your husband. He promised, possibly before God, to be faithful to you. To love, and HONOR you.

This is disrespectful behavior.

He needs to talk to you, and let you know what's going on in his head.

I wish you the best.

Don't let yourself get so worked up with anger that you cannot be rational when you talk to him.
You know what you're dealing with now. Let him know that youlove him but not enough to be played with.
He needs to pee or get off the pot.
I am so sorry you are going through this.

We are both in our thirties. He has changed careers several times, and unfortunately has not worked for five months, he decided to finish his real state, and I supported him on his decision, again. I've been supporting our family which I don't mind, but to find all this calls while I'm working for our kids. I don't think is fair.

Before you accuse and assume, back up, and get facts, as I think getting carried away with suspicions, will only have you driving a wedge between you. I think most guys who have had a lot of personal failures, and are trying to regroup, will be distant, and moody. The sad part to me is you take it all so personally, which I feel distracts you from the real issues, as you try and find strategies to "fix" things, and return them to what they were before. All of this in the name of being FAIR to you and the children.

That's why I have repeatedly suggested you to back up, and place your attentions to other areas of the relationship, and family life to help you deal better with your own frustrations in this marriage, and give him space to work through his. Pushing him is not the answer, nor is confrontation, as I really think you are getting carried away by your own feelings and need to take a back seat and deal with YOURSELF, and your fears, and not make them the basis for impulsive thoughts, or actions.

An unemployed father and husband needs the space to prove himself, to himself, and regain his self esteem, as its tied to his identity as a provider, and head of his household. I think if you step back and pay attention to this circumstance in an OBJECTIVE way, and not a emotional, or personal way, you will see exactly what I have been talking about. At least I hope so.

Give it some thought, before you take actions that have no basis in facts, or get to carried away that you cannot be objective. Got any close trusted friends?

The sad part to me is you take it all so personally, which I feel distracts you from the real issues, as you try and find strategies to "fix" things
You are right! I do take things personal. When I woke up this morning like I said before I felt different, which I was happy about. I didn't know if it was anger or just that I was getting used to him being so distant, but as the day goes by, and after reading all of these wonderful and helpful posts, I am starting to see things clear. I do have self-esteem problems. I have put all of my energy on him and I am pushing him away instead of bringing him closer. I found myself not wanting to text him or call him every second. I am not even wondering if he is even talking or if he's talked to her. (again, I don't even know who it is, I am just assuming, since he is so secretive about those calls) I am not going to worry about it for now. I do agree! I know he feels that he failed as a provider, father and husband, and I am going to just give him his space, but it just bugs me to think that he's talking to someone else, but again, I am just going to worry about building my self-esteem back and getting myself busy. I do have some close friends, but I don't really agree with their life styles. In a way I'm still old fashion. The only advise I get all the time is to go out and have a drink, when in reality I have kids to be responsible for, and I don't want to set up that type of example for them. I will keep myself busy though, with my kids, maybe going to the Zoo, park or shopping which I haven't done in a while. I will learn not to take anything personal. I just keep making the same mistake over and over again, I do it even at work! My concern is that one of my goals was to work out after work everyday, but again, I haven't since I felt that if I left the house I was losing time to talk to him, since we already don't talk as much. But again I need to love myself first so that he can love me.

Yeah you need to love yourself and I hope he is not cheating. I agree with talaniman but you also need to know whether he is or not. You want to make sure that if he is, he is not bringing something home to you.
You can be kind and loving but you need to be smart as well. Have that conversation with him for your own peace of mine.
If he won't do counseling with you, go yourself but don't let this linger to the point that this distance becomes an acceptable way of life for you two.
I wish you well.

This is what is weird. I know he is not seen anybody at least in person. He is home most of the time. When he is not he is in class. Let ma back up a little. About a month ago he went out of the country for a week, when he came back, is when all of this started, he started drinking heavly and decided to bring up his first love, which at the time he said he had no idea of where she lived or if she was married or anything. He stated that he hasn't love anyone like he loved her and that he has never been happy with me although we were married in the church. Anyhow, a week after that he said he somehow run into his ex's cousin, which is weird but I gues it can happened, he ran into her out of the country and they talked. I didn't get into the details of what was said or exchanged. All I asked him was if she(ex's cousin) knew that he was married, and he was very short and said YES, I told him that I wasn't going to bring it up again, because I wanted to work on us. Then the following week is when the calls started happening, I had no idea at the time, until the following week 5/25 when I noticed how protective of his phone he was, so I searched into our phone bill, then is when I noticed 5 calls to that number. 2 were very short, almost as if he didn't get a hold of anyone, 2 were like 5 and 6 min. long. The calls were made 5/17-5/19. Then we had a great weekend (weekend 5/21-5/23), so I figured it was before we talked and things were sort of working out. Then on The 27th I noticed he call that number really early in the day and again those calls are out of state, no where near where he could go during the day. As I'm typing this I am just getting all worked up since he was going to "call a friend" as he stated on his list at about this time. I just hate this.

He could be emotionally cheating. Talking to her on the phone. Whatever it is, he needs to talk to you and he needs to be more respectful in the way he treats the family. The longer this goes on it will become the way your family functions and trying to get things back to the way they should be will be hard. Ask him about the phone calls then suggest you two do some counseling.

I know how sensitive this his, he may be going through something different, but you can't let the family be destroyed because he does not want to talk about it. At some point he is going to have to do something.
Get counseling for yourself, it will help with your anxiety too.

Thank you. I will bring it up, I just want to find the right timing, when we bring up the bills or something so that he doesn't get all defensive about it. I need to work up to this too.

The reason I have not addressed this cheating thing, is because there are NO facts, one way or the other. Not even for emotional cheating.

But your idea is logical, and thoughtful, as the timing and method of getting the truth is the best way to go. That's better than a full court press of confrontation, and emotional assault.

That's a good start, thinking before you act.

Well, it was an OK evening. I got home with an open mind and a great attitude, and I did notice a difference. We actually ate dinner all together as a family. He said he had some errands to do, so I figure he will be leaving soon. I cleaned up the kitchen and was going to take my kids to the park, but instead he wanted us to come along, on the way, we were listening to a motivational CD which he had already heard but wanted me to hear. When we got home, we put our kids to bed and still talked until 11:30 p.m, which I was very thrilled about. I blew it though, it is really hard for me to hold back when I have him so close, and to smell his body, so I was trying to rest my head on his chest and was leaning to kiss him, when he pushed me away so hard. He was so upset, so I just moved to my side of the bed and cried myself to sleep. This morning I was so hurt but I tried to hide my pain, so I smiled and pretended that nothing ever happened last night just like he does all the time. We'll see how things go the rest of the day.

Stop right there young lady. While I understand he, and you have been having problems, no way do you take such blatant disrespect for any reason over a simple gesture of love.

Time to tell him in no uncertain terms, sh1t or get off the pot, as you should be very angry at what he did, and in my book, for no reason. So what if it blows up, and he decides to leave. He needs to.

There can be no free pass on this one. Sorry, no more Miss Good girl.

If I remember correctly, this is not the first time he has dome this to you. He is way out of line and that is cruel.
Make the time to have a talk with his man.
It's time he be held accountable and not coddled.

I Know I need to. This is what bothers me the most. I know he needs his space but I have such a hard time holding back when he is so close. We havent' had sex for a week now and when we did I initiated it. And to think that he might be so nice to talk to someone else its just painful. Trust me I'm not trying to find any excused for me, but he's been a little nicer lately until we go to bed. He doesn't want me anywhere near or wants nothing to do with me. I was trying to be a better wife and fulfill his needs so that he doesn't look elsewhere but obviously he is not in need.

Clearly its time to stop walking on eggshells and trying to be a better wife, and stand up for yourself even if that means someone sleeps on the couch. You have done your part and I think we are at the point that he does his.

Save your tears, and fears for after you have handled the business to be done. Its time for cards on the table, get facts, and clear the air with the truth, the whole truth, and settle for nothing less.

Tal, Thank you again. You give me the strength that I need. You are great at what you do. I was trying to wait until the next phone bill so that I can check on the calls, since he has been nice, I want to confirm that he is maybe trying to cover it up, but if I tell him now since the phone bill in under his name, he can change or delete my access to the account once I talk to him. As bad as it sound I think down deep inside of me I am just buying time so that I don't have to do this, even though I know I need to. I just get so sick thinking about it. Wish me good luck.

This is not going to go away. He is causing harm to you and the family.
It's time to take a deep breath and confront this thing.
He's got some explaining to do.
I wish you well.

This is not going to go away. He is causing harm to you and the family.
It's time to take a deep breath and confront this thing.

You are right! This is not going away, but I'm such a chicken and I'm just dreading this. I can't help it.
Last night we went for a walk with our kids after dinner, it was really quite at first, he was really quite all day, even before I got home from work. He didn't text me at all and when we went to dinner, we hardly talked, so when we were walking I was a little nervous because I knew that he was in a bad mood, but we actually talked a lot. I had told myself not to expect anything anymore, so by the time we got home, I took a shower and went downstairs to clean the kitchen, by the time I got upstairs he was already asleep, luckily I wasn't expecting anything but I was still bother. Today has been the same no texts, he was extremely quite this morning, he didn't even say good bye when I left the house and to make it worse we have his sister's graduation party, so we'll see how that goes. Wish me Luck. I get nervous just to think about how he is going to act in front of the family. I miss being with him, I miss his touch, I miss having our conversations. I just miss it all. I am so upset at myself for not taking care of the problem, but I know I need to. When? I don't know! I know I will. :(

You will do what you need to do at the right time. You will hit that point and when you do, you'll deal with it.
I wish you well, I sincerely do.

Before I go on, I wanted to tell you how things were before all this crap. Both neither my husband or I had any opposite sex friend that we kept in contact. Once we got married we both just agreed on that. Neither one of us had Facebook or any of those sites, he just thought that one you get there is just to look for trouble or because you are looking for someone in particular. I didn't have a problem with that, since I agreed with him as well. We figured that if you need a friend it should be a woman in my case and so on.
The inevitable happened on Friday night. I went to his sister's graduation party and it was very awkward, it felt very weird, everyone was watching me the whole night, so at that point I knew something was going on, but didn't know what it was. Finally my mother-in law asked if I was OK, so of course at that point I lost it and I asked her, how much she knew, so I guess she's know for about a month, but she didn't know that he was thinking about leaving us to go with the ex. All she knew was that he found her online and that was it. My mother-in-law talked for a while about everything that is going on, she was so upset but didn't want to talk to him about it, at least not yet, but she advised me to call "the ex", so I left her house and called her. We talked for 30 minutes about their relationship, and all she could tell me was that they're friends and that they talk a lot, e-mail each other and chat on "facebook" (remember what I told you earlier) so I guess they've been talking for two months, he has sent her pictures of our kids and she said that the only thing he said about me was that he loves me as a he would a friend. She also said that she wasn't interested in him, other than a friendship, and for some reason she was super nice and said to call her if I needed anything, that she would give me her e-mail address, her home address. (which made me very suspicious) In the middle of my conversation with her, he called her, so obviously he found out that I was on the phone with her. He called me about every second for the last 10 min that I was on the phone with her, but I wanted to finish my conversation with her. By the time I got off the phone with her I was so nervous to get to the house, because I knew that he was so mad, and it was so late, the kids were sleeping in the car with me and I didn't know how this was going to end. He has never been physical but I was still nervous. Luckily when I got home, his mom was there with him trying to help. To make the long story short, we argued all night until 2 am, at this point I had to get away so I left the house to drive around and just think straight. In the meantime, he texted a couple of times, one of them was to sort of admit that all of this was his fault. All I could think about is the lies and how long this has been going on. The next day we were both calmed and talked some more, I didn't want to talk about it her again, so I didn't bring anything up, but in the middle of our talk the one thing the ruined it all was that he said: "she is going throught so much and for me to bring this up to her, I feel so bad", and I was so upset but I didn't say anything I just sat there. Then he just said I don't even know why you are so upset I didn't do anything, up to this day he hasn't really apologized, he doesn't see what I feel. I am so hurt of the secret life that he was living, the lies, and he being friends with his ex, for whom he still has feelings for (according to him). I know he's going through some struggles in his personal life and that is why he's so confused but in the process I'm getting hurt. I will stay for as long as I can. I love him, but I also would like to apologize and realize what he did. I feel that he still cheated on me emotionally, whether he admits it or not. I just e-mailed him a long letter letting me know my side of the this, and how I feel and why I am so hurt. He still hasn't respond.

When things are in the open, they can be dealt with, and I think your right, he has a lot to correct within himself, if he is willing.

I think you keep your distance until its actually happening, and don't act like a guilty victim. His actions have brought this about, and only his actions can change things. That means don't take any bad behavior from him for any reason.

I wish you the best, and you need to know you're a good one that deserves it.

I wish you the best, and you need to know you're a good one that deserves it.

Thank you so much. You have not idea how this website has helped me. When I first found it, I was suicidal. I was such a coward to even think about it but I couldn't talk to anybody about it, or at least I felt that nobody cared. Now I know I can come in here and vent and also learn from others. I am also in the process of building back myself esteem. When I sent him that e-mail I made it clear that I just wanted to let him know how I felt, in fact I told him that he didn't even had to respond. I do understand that he's going through some issues, so I am giving him his space. I don't text, call him or email him unless he does. His mood is up and down, I also think he is getting a little depress, but I also let him know that I am here if he needs me.

I'm sorry you're going through this. You now know more about what you're dealing with. Don't let him make you feel guilty.
Give him space, but don't give him permission to continue his mess.
I wish you well.

I haven't responded much, but I have been following the thread. I want you to know that you and your children are in my thoughts and I think you have a lot of inner strength you are just now tapping into.

You might show him AMHD. Let him know that there is support for him too. The support will probably be tempered with a healthy dose of grow up and stop living in the past. However, it is here.

Whatever else happens, enjoy the special moments that happen daily as you raise your children. Don't get so caught up in his drama that you miss the laughs and smiles.

You might show him AMHD. I'm sorry but what is AMHD?
I want you to know that you and your children are in my thoughts and I think you have a lot of inner strength you are just now tapping into.
Thank you! If anything this has help me realize a lot of things about me, I am learning a lot in this painful process, but I know that things happen for a reason and I'm sure at the end I'll find out why this happened. I used to question why me? What have I done to deserve this? But again, this website has help me a ton. You have no idea, my desire to do things for me is back. I'm also being a better mom. Thank you ALL! I'll keep you all updated.

AMHD is this website. Ask Me Help Desk

I am so sorry, I googled "AMHD" and it gave me some medical terms, so I was confused. Thanks! I mentioned him this website, and I told him how much it has helped me, so we'll see if he gets on it.

He could learn something!
You feel free to come anytime to need to vent. We will be here for you as much as we can

I don't even know if I should even keep trying, or just give up...
I've been married for 13 yrs. And have two beautiful kids. I thought we had a wonderful marriage until last year. Last year all of the sudden my husband decided that he wanted to get a divorce. Obviously he had been thinking about it before he told me about that, but for me it was a surprise. He said he just wasnt' in love with me and he didn't know if he ever was.

He was in contact with his "first love". He looked for her on the internet and used to call her and text her throughout the day. She lives in a different state, so I know nothing ever happened, at least physically. Thanks to this website I dealt with it pretty well, and worked it out. He was going through a lot of changes in his personal life as well as work. He wasn't happy with himself and was easier to blame me than to admit it.

Anyhow, it seemed to be OK for a while, I still had a hard time trusting him, but tried everyday. I will still check his phone and our phone bill every now and then. Three weeks ago he had to go out of town for work, and I was fine with the trip and didn't think anything of it. On the second day I couldn't sleep so I decided to call him later than usual and he didn't answer his phone instead he texted me telling me that he was in a meeting.. at 10 p.m. I thought it was odd, but I gave me the benefit of the doubt.

When he came home, I noticed he was very distant and sort of distracted. He was very protective with his phone too. About a week ago, I decided to check his phone and found two sent emails where he was replying to two different sex encounters, I was devastated, and humiliated, since I always have to start everything at home and sometimes he acts to bother if I do. I was so hurt and couldn't even look at him at all. I was so upset, hurt and shocked. I feel like I don't even know him at all. Those text were sent the same night he told me he was in a meeting. I wanted to confront him, but I knew that he will just walk away from all this, instead of talking about it. I know I will talk to him about it, but I've been waiting for the right time.

I also found some dating sites on our laptop where he's been. I am so confused I don't know if our marriage means anything to him at all. I don't want to give up our family. I still love him, and I'm sure he knows this. It was really hard last week to talk to him and pretend that nothing is going on, when I know that is far from the truth, but it was a good weekend. He doesn't have a father figure or anybody that can give him good advise, except for his boss. My husband looks up at this man like no other. He helped him get back on track last time. Should I talk to him about this problem to interfere? This is so personal that I'm emberrasted but I feel so out of luck. What should I do??

Listen carefully, get your ducks in a row, get some financial advice from a divorce lawyer, so you can know all your rights, and as you form a plan of action, and survival, tell him his actions, and behavior, are unacceptable, and will not be tolerated, and tell him to get the hell out, quietly, and calmly.

Say what you mean, and mean what you say, and take no more crap. Cry later, handle your business now! Sometimes a slap up side a guys head is what he needs. He wants a divorce, give him something to think about.

No more nice victim.

He's not a teenager.

He's a grown man, married, who fathered two children. He has no business having any encounters, particularly sexual in nature, with any woman. I don't care what her occupation happens to be.

If he is unhappy, he should keep his pants on, and get his as* into counselling. What makes his life so unique and special that he can lie, cheat, and distance himself from his commitment to his wife- you- and children, and pursue the very unspecial art of screwing around.

And you, on the other hand, wait for the right opportunity to address this with him? You do realize what he is doing right?

Why do you put up with it. He's in or he's out. There is no compromise to allow for affairs, liaisons, meaningless sex with strangers, hookers, sex sites, chats, etc. with any woman. He has disregarded, completely, his marriage, and his family. He is risking, by his own behaviour, the loss of everything.

I would address it, and not wait until he seems receptive to talk. Tell him what you know, and that you will not tolerate it. Tell him you have made an appointment with a marriage counsellor, and you expect him to keep the appointment. Put it on the calendar on the fridge. If he won't go- you go.

I don't know who needs a wakeup call more. Him, to realize what he is about to lose, or you, for not putting this on the table and dealing with it.

I know, you are both right, I should know better and not let him treat me this way. I just... He talks about all of our goals as if nothing really happened, I'm sure he doesn't really know that I found all this out, but I am sure he can tell there is tension between us. I've had a hard hiding my anger and disappointment in him. I feel like he is not the same person that I married. The same weekend after his trip he asked me to arrange to have a sitter to go out on a weekly date since we haven't really gone out on a date for many years, and now with the kids is even harder. So we went out that Friday, and we had a great time until I remembered those emails and I just can't keep it in, but I haven't cried in front of him either. We have gone out every week since then, and that seems to be going well, but I know I can't lie to myself about our problems. This last Friday, I brought up the our sexual life and he just blew me off and said Im happy in every aspect and I cant' imagine being with anybody else or being married to another women, he said you have everything that I want in a woman, and he also said that his boss has told him that several times, even though we've never met, his boss told him that he wouldn't be where he is if it wasn't for me. So this made me more mad, since I know what is really going on behind the scenes, I've acted like nothing has happened but I don't believe a word he tells me know. I don't want it to get to to point of hatrage, so that is why I think is best to walk away from this fantasy marriage. It just hurts me to look at me daughter and know that I will be taking all of our future plans away from them.

His words and actions don't match. Cry later, handle your business, with the truth, and the fact. He needs to know you know the truth, and ain't happy at all.

Those are the facts, and anything less is dishonest on your part. Just saying.

I think maybe something to think about, is the fact that he can profess love, fidelity, honesty, and optimism about your marriage, but, just under the surface is not love, he is not being faithful, he's not honest, and his optimism is misplaced.

The face you see is what you want to see. All that he professes, is what you want, and need, to hear, and believe in from your husband. But, it is a false personna saying these words to you, and the words are working. You are still silent.

You do have choices. You can remain silent, and overlook his indescretions. You can confront him, and risk the end of your marriage. You can try, through counselling, to address what you know, and get the cards on the table and see if there is enough left to rebuild trust.

If you just bail, you run the risk of not saving your marriage. To be fair to yourself, and fair to him (dispite what he's done), a decision whether to leave, should be based on a thourough examination of all the facts, and time to work through it all. Without insight and honesty, you are running away from a foe, that you just may be able to conquer.

And, you may just come out a stronger woman, and mother because of your decision, no matter what it ends up to be.

Either way, without the cards on the table, you will never know, and keeping all of this inside makes life easier at the moment, eventually, you will likely realize that if you cannot trust your husband, and communicate honestly, you will likely end up having decisions made for you, instead of making decisions for yourself.

You are right!! I will talk to him. As stupid as it sounds I just wanted to make sure his mother was back in town, since she was gone for several weeks and I knew he was going to need the support. I know I shouldn't care since he obviously didn't care for us, but I do. She is back now! I will try to talk to him tonight. I am so hurt but I am also doubting myself. Our anniversary is next Monday!! And I just kept hoping that it will be a make up day. Do you think this is well damaged or can this marriage be saved? I just have a hard time picturing myself as a single mother and without him in the picture. I know this is not enough to justify his actions. I know he caused all of this, and I should just know what to do. It's just easier said than done.

It isn't an easy position to be in, by any stretch of the imagination. Most likely the most difficult problem you will ever have. Things get very complicated, because you have to accept and anticipate that there will be consequences to speaking up- good or bad.

I would advise you to tell him ahead of time, that you want to sit and talk to him, on a certain day and time. Ask his mother to mind the kids. Be as prepared as you can with what you want to say, even if you need to write it out point by point. If you have 'evidence' at hand, I'd be prepared with that too, just to get past flimsy excuses he'll likely offer up.

Allow yourself time to both talk, and listen. And, be prepared for him not to be willing at that date and time, to discuss anything. It may take more than one try to get the truth on the table. But, I would also advise you not to discuss this in bits and pieces, and if he wants to talk again, tell him, same time next week. And leave it at that. It is an issue deserving of due consideration, and preparation. To push everything at once, or think that one attempt at the truth will be enough, may very well not be enough. He has much to answer to.

Thas is such a great idea. I know if I give him heads up or at least let him know that I want to talk to him, before I actually do he will not be as upset and probably listen more than just walk away from the conversation. I really want to get all the cards on the table and get to the bottom of all this. I don't have any proofs, but the emails are still on his phone. I just checked again this past weekend and they are still there. I don't think he knows that I can get to his SENT messages.

I am glad you are going to try, and not give up without a fight. He will either accept responsibility for his actions and change his life around, or he won't.

But, at least you will have the satisfaction of being sure, when you do need to make a decision, that it was the right one.

Best of luck to you. I hope you will post again.

Thank you for all the great advise. I will post again!

RED FLAG!! Sorry you are dealing with this, is there anyone in your life like a brother and sister to support you? You need to get out before it becomes worse and you feel stuck. Get expert help in your area. Do you have family crisis centers, or even call life line in order to follow steps. Wish you the best and that you have the strength to deal with this terrible affair.

I sill haven't had a chance to talk to him, but I'm sure it will be soon. Some days are worst than others. Today is one of the bad days. All I can think about is how much our life is going to change, and why would he do this to me, when all I've ever done is love and care for him. I'm already starting to wonder if may be he really didn't ever loved me, and if so I wonder why God sent me my two treasures- my kids! I know I shouldn't question God, but why?? If he knew that this wasn't meant to be? Why with him? I don't regret my kids and everything that I've experienced but I never expected this at all. Why can men be faithful and loyal. Why hurt your family? I guess I'll get an answer when I talk to him!! May be.

I have been in a similar, although not exact, position, I'm still hanging in there. Just wondering what you ended up doing?