lttlmizchica
May 8, 2010, 06:21 AM
Its been a roller coaster with my ex. We broke up over 2 months ago because I dumped him out of rage. He was tired of the hurt so when I begged for him back he said he only wanted his space so that's what I gave him.
Ok so fast forward to recent times, he finally says he wants things to work. But I almost feel like he's a different person from all the distance. So when I get up and try to make thing works, it feels like I'm the only one trying. Its like he feels that he doesn't need to do anything because he knows I'm not going to go anywhere. When I try to tell him that I don't feel the boost of affection to get things working he said that everything needs to happen over time. But really I just feel like he's just saying that because if both of us really wanted to be back together wouldn't we both be full of glee and affection? Because we missed each other so much?
He doesn't talk to me like his lover, but more as just a friend. His nickname for me is Lilo but half the time he is calling me "son" or "n****" and stuff you would call your home boys. He never tells me he misses me or loves me like when things were good. I know he will hug and kiss me, but its only randomly, only when he feels like being nice. Because the other half of the time he makes it look like I'm smothering him and that hurts. I just hate how everything seems to run on HIS agenda.
So it's been several times that I have tried to leave, because I just don't feel happy. It's to the point when I just have a swirling pit in my stomach because I hate checking my phone to see when he's going to 'feel' like texting or calling me back.. or waiting to ask me to do something... or blah blah blah. Instead of being excited to see him in school its almost like I'm dreading it because I hate the feeling of sadness he gives me. But at the same time I hope I'm just not having the wrong mental attitude. But like I was saying, when I try to leave... he gets angry and upset saying things can't be perfect over night.. and even when I do stick to my word and try to get him out of my life he always finds his way back in. We have a class together in school and his seat is right behind me, and he will shower me with little jokes and play with my hair and ask me for lunch and to come over and all that stuff. I try hard to ignore his 'soft' side but he will follow me until I give up the tough act and come running back. But then it's like once he knows I'm back to make things work he goes back to his usual self, like he doesn't really care. And when I say something he says that's just how his natural personality is. But ugh I don't know... something just does not feel right.
It's like he loves playing hard to get. The last time I tried to leave was yesterday and like I was explaining he was being super nice to get me back and all that stuff and even invited me to the mall later that day with my friend and his. But by the end of the day when we finally do go to the mall, he's back to being 'him' and doesn't really talk to me much when we're there. Then I go to work and they all pick me up for the movies and when he sees me I say HEY! And he's just like oh hey.. uh whaddup. Like he's too cool for me. Then in the movie my friend and her boyriend get up to go in the row in front of us and he gets mad and is like ugh why did they invite me to the movies if they're not even going to be with me. And I'm like well you're sitting with me right? And he just says nothing and Im like do you even want to sit next to me? And all he says is, I'm sitting next to you, aren't I? With a weird face. But then later in the movie he makes out with me and when the movie is over he goes back to his little hot shot tough mode and thinks he's too good. It's almost as if he's bi-polar. One minute it feels like he cares, the next he doesn't.
So Im am lost on what to do. Should I give it more time to see if things will grow and get better like he said? Or if I should leave? And if that's the decision I won't be able to do it until summer because I am pretty much stuck until school is over because I see him everyday in class and its like we could never have that 'space' to move on. Graduation and prom is just around the corner and he wants to take me to prom but I don't know if its worth it if I'm just going to leave. And I don't want to risk taking him just so I can feel sad the whole night! I'm just so tired of waiting and being sad. Or maybe I just need to learn my patience...
Ok so fast forward to recent times, he finally says he wants things to work. But I almost feel like he's a different person from all the distance. So when I get up and try to make thing works, it feels like I'm the only one trying. Its like he feels that he doesn't need to do anything because he knows I'm not going to go anywhere. When I try to tell him that I don't feel the boost of affection to get things working he said that everything needs to happen over time. But really I just feel like he's just saying that because if both of us really wanted to be back together wouldn't we both be full of glee and affection? Because we missed each other so much?
He doesn't talk to me like his lover, but more as just a friend. His nickname for me is Lilo but half the time he is calling me "son" or "n****" and stuff you would call your home boys. He never tells me he misses me or loves me like when things were good. I know he will hug and kiss me, but its only randomly, only when he feels like being nice. Because the other half of the time he makes it look like I'm smothering him and that hurts. I just hate how everything seems to run on HIS agenda.
So it's been several times that I have tried to leave, because I just don't feel happy. It's to the point when I just have a swirling pit in my stomach because I hate checking my phone to see when he's going to 'feel' like texting or calling me back.. or waiting to ask me to do something... or blah blah blah. Instead of being excited to see him in school its almost like I'm dreading it because I hate the feeling of sadness he gives me. But at the same time I hope I'm just not having the wrong mental attitude. But like I was saying, when I try to leave... he gets angry and upset saying things can't be perfect over night.. and even when I do stick to my word and try to get him out of my life he always finds his way back in. We have a class together in school and his seat is right behind me, and he will shower me with little jokes and play with my hair and ask me for lunch and to come over and all that stuff. I try hard to ignore his 'soft' side but he will follow me until I give up the tough act and come running back. But then it's like once he knows I'm back to make things work he goes back to his usual self, like he doesn't really care. And when I say something he says that's just how his natural personality is. But ugh I don't know... something just does not feel right.
It's like he loves playing hard to get. The last time I tried to leave was yesterday and like I was explaining he was being super nice to get me back and all that stuff and even invited me to the mall later that day with my friend and his. But by the end of the day when we finally do go to the mall, he's back to being 'him' and doesn't really talk to me much when we're there. Then I go to work and they all pick me up for the movies and when he sees me I say HEY! And he's just like oh hey.. uh whaddup. Like he's too cool for me. Then in the movie my friend and her boyriend get up to go in the row in front of us and he gets mad and is like ugh why did they invite me to the movies if they're not even going to be with me. And I'm like well you're sitting with me right? And he just says nothing and Im like do you even want to sit next to me? And all he says is, I'm sitting next to you, aren't I? With a weird face. But then later in the movie he makes out with me and when the movie is over he goes back to his little hot shot tough mode and thinks he's too good. It's almost as if he's bi-polar. One minute it feels like he cares, the next he doesn't.
So Im am lost on what to do. Should I give it more time to see if things will grow and get better like he said? Or if I should leave? And if that's the decision I won't be able to do it until summer because I am pretty much stuck until school is over because I see him everyday in class and its like we could never have that 'space' to move on. Graduation and prom is just around the corner and he wants to take me to prom but I don't know if its worth it if I'm just going to leave. And I don't want to risk taking him just so I can feel sad the whole night! I'm just so tired of waiting and being sad. Or maybe I just need to learn my patience...