Me and my wife/girlfriend of 10 years came clean with each other about a week ago
We have 3 kids and we really want to change and make this work but for the past 10 years we have been living a lie we knew what we wanted and we truly still love each other we know that we have to change ourselves first my thing I asked my mother to give a honest opinion about how I treated her and she told me you treated her like crap as of recently about a year ago I made a decision to change my ways I saw what I was becoming and didn't like it we know think we know what we need to fix we both know it was 100/100 both of faults but I feel that if she was treated right she might not have done what she did so I ask how do I trust her again after she lost the little trust I had for
How deal with the fear of it happening again.

I don't understand why this is posted under physical therapy and have asked that it be moved to another section of AMHD.

She is your girlfriend/wife? Which one?

Came clean about what? I think it is great that you both want this to work, that sure is a great first step. Changing your manner or mood in how you speak and act toward her are a sure way to get closer to her. You spoke of mistrust... what happened that you do not trust her? I suppose we would need to know.

I have cheated on her with 3 different women but at the time she only knew of one it was her best friend and she was seeing an old friend off and on for the whole 10 years ,she said she wanted to stop but he the man told her if you break this off I will ruin your life andtell your man everything
But I verbaly put her down telling her she doenst make enough money why did she do this what didn't she do that I watched my father control women ins his life like this maybe this is why my mother and him spilt it's now and then I get the fear of abandonment and I think that is why I have always never trusted women I gave her a little trust but was controlling where are you who are you with why didn't you pick up your phone... I stopped cheating about 3 years ago and that when her activity
Picked up but that is also when she started to work night's 10 pm to 6.30 am and I was working 8.00am to 4.30 pm so we have not had a real relationship for about 5 years since she started the shift we made that choice because she wanted to watch my son and we could not afford day care we said we will have time for each other later we alomost lost each other because ofthis she is quiting her job she changed her number and I truly believe that she wants to be with me forever because if she didn't she would have left me for him or another man already..

You are both guilty of the same thing, infidelity and you are guilty of treating her like crap. So why and how does she trust you?
I would suggest you two some couple counseling. It may help you deal with the issues you have and help the two of you communicate better and in a more civilized way.

Let's see - you both cheat on each other (and she has all sorts of reasons she couldn't break off her affair), you admit you verbally abuse her, you don't have a "real relationship" and haven't for more than 5 years, you don't trust her and admit you are very controlling -

I'm thinking that your own behavior is causing you to believe she will leave you. I don't know why she hasn't already.

First thing is first, you can't be the only one who lost trust obviously. Starting over in a new way but in an old relationship can be quite tricky. Especially if there are trust issues. Making a pact that here and now and in the future there will be no more cheating is a great step. As far as I am concerned, I would head for couples therapy. Seems as if you have a few kids that would really enjoy living in a stable home. Good luck!

Yeah I know that we are both 100/100 guilty I feel that I would have treated the right way she would have tested the water so to speak ,well our question is can we do this on our own if we know what we need to do or with this need couple counseling she has low self esteem she had a pretty bad child hood me as well we had similar things happen to us and we both felt like we were never good enough for each other but we know what type of life we want to live and we want to live it together,she had her first daughter at 15 yrs old and then I came in to the picture a year later accepted her and her child but at 17 we had our first we have been "together" for 10 years we know that this happens to a lot of people,and if we were to legally get married all of this would have had to come out sooner or later,
She is the love of my life I fell she is my soul mate she tell's me the same things how do I trust when I have never trusted before

You need professional counselling.

So is she your wife or your girlfriend? You refer to her as both.

You have two children and are soulmates. If you aren't married, why not?

Let's see - you both cheat on each other (and she has all sorts of reasons why she couldn't break off her affair), you admit you verbally abuse her, you don't have a "real relationship" and haven't for more than 5 years, you don't trust her and admit you are very controlling -

I'm thinking that your own behavior is causing you to believe she will leave you. I don't know why she hasn't already.



She said she truly loves me and I'm a good father

First thing is first, you can't be the only one who lost trust obviously. Starting over in a new way but in an old relationship can be quite tricky. Especially if there are trust issues. Making a pact that here and now and in the future there will be no more cheating is a great step. As far as I am concerned, I would head for couples therapy. Seems as if you have a few kids that would really enjoy living in a stable home. Good luck!

And that is excalty what we want a stable home for them and us both


You need professional counselling.

So is she your wife or your girlfriend? You refer to her as both.

You have two children and are soulmates. If you aren't married, why not?


I'm doing that now as we speak I have my first session tomorrow girlfriend

And are you asking why not get married? Would right now be to soon or would that be a way to show our true comitment to each other

and that is excalty what we want a stable home for them and us both
What good things does she bring to the relationship?

What good things do you bring to the relationship?

well our question is can we do this on our own if we know what we need to do or with this need couple counseling

Yes, you need outside help. You both need to learn to trust yourselves and each other and how to communicate with each other. Unfortunately, neither of you have the tools to be able to try to make the changes without causing more problems.

A big lesson to learn: You are not your father. You want to change and build a better life. From the way you say 'women' in your father's life, I don't think he did/does.

Good luck.

What good things does she bring to the relationship?

What good things do you bring to the relationship?

She is a great mother great lover and she has put up with my crap for 10 years and still wants to be with me we would have time togther I would get lost in her eyes I would melt in her hand's she was emitionly always supported me in my career and life choices

I'm a good father she says I her love but the reason she stayed is because the man I was changing into as of recently and the how I treated her when we first started dating and she felt when we had pillow talk she felt I was sincer about what I was saying and I was

DO not use marriage to help things. Keep going to therapy after it starts and work on issues. Marriage is not a fix at any degree, no matter what, you wait till you know for sure and she knows for sure that you can live a life of trust and worth together! Sounds like you both are willing to work on it, and it may take more time than you want it to. BUT, being willing to do right for each other and your kids is so rewarding when you follow through!

You get lost in her eyes and melt in her hands?

This is not the basis for a good marriage and/or relationship.

What strengths do you bring to the marriage? Pillow talk is one thing. Being supportive is another.

Unfortunately, your relationship is not like a computer. When things go wrong, you can't wipe out the memory and reformat.

Both of your past actions are there to stay. The question is, can you find a way to cope with each other's past, so that you can move forward?

Only time will tell. If both of you are committed to putting in the effort to make it work, then there's definitely a chance. It's going to take a lot of hard work as it's an uphill battle. Professional help is definitely a start. But time and patience are the two key things.

If you both continue to learn from your past and do good deeds from here on, then that's another good step forward. As long as you keep taking steps forward to improve upon. When one of you stop putting in the necessary effort, then the relationship will end one way or another, whether you want it to or not. It has to work both ways.

You get lost in her eyes and melt in her hands?

This is not the basis for a good marriage and/or relationship.

What strengths do you bring to the marriage? Pillow talk is one thing. Being supportive is another.

We are not married just been together for 10 years

She has supported me the whole time in what ever decisions I have made for us and our family and by doing everything for me cooking cleaning when I was down in the dumps she would dust me off and pick me up
Taking care if the kids when I was out doing my own thing
I never supprted her in what she wanted to do
I supported us financally not her emotionally but I know that is what I have to change that why I'm seeking perfesional help to fix me I think the low self esteem came from me putting her down

Yes, you need outside help. You both need to learn to trust yourselves and each other and how to communicate with each other. Unfortunately, neither of you have the tools to be able to try to make the changes without causing more problems.

A big lesson to learn: You are not your father. You want to change and build a better life. From the way you say 'women' in your father's life, I don't think he did/does.

Good luck.


I know but I thought that was how it's done I'm only 28 I started this when I was 18 I was just a kid I thought by controlling her I could keep her and I almost lost her
From the way you say 'women' in your father's life, I don't think he did/does.
He went threw the same thing as me with his father my therapist told me that treatment like is continues form genertation to generation.

we are not married jsut been together for 10 years

she has supported me the whole time in what ever decisions i have made for us and our family and by doing everything for me cooking cleaning when i was down in the dumps she would dust me off and pick me up
taking care if the kids when i was out doing my own thing
i never supprted her in what she wanted to do
i supported us financally not her emotionally but i know that is what i have to change that why i'm seeking perfesional help to fix me i think the low self esteem came from me putting her down

WOW, your manhood just came shining right through as you know down deep what you need to do. Now let your therapist advise you on how to start making the changes you would like to make to make her a happy woman! Seriously, I am proud of you for saying everything in this post, you really are on the right path.

You two need to go to couple's counseling. There seems to be a lot of dysfunction here, that has been here throughout the 10year relationship, and you have your own baggage you've brought to the table.

It's going to take a while to repair the damage that had been done here.

You two need to go to couple's counseling. There seems to be a lot of dysfunction here, that has been here throughout the 10year relationship, and you have your own baggage you've brought to the table.

It's going to take a while to repair the damage that had been done here.

We know time will heal all wounds but it's weird after we came "clean" it was like I was looking at a whole new women when I kissed her it was like for the first time we can still have sex and hold each other and forgive each other we believe that "there is no love without forgiveness and there is no forgiveness with out love" I understand we are all human we make mistake's everyone deserves a second chance she has given me more than 1 chance

And that is all good. But as you stated in your opening post, you don't know how to trust her and you have a fear of abandonment.
She has done some things as well that are not quite normal. Going to counseling does not mean you two don't love each other, it means you have problems you two need help dealing with and you love each other enough to try to work things out.

she said she truly loves me and i'm a good father



She said that I'm who she want to spend the rest of her life with I'm the one she choosed she also said if I wanted him I would be with him she said I was hoping I would change and as of the last year when I dedcied to change she liked who I was turning in to and that made her happy
That's why she told me everything and I felt if I was truly going to change I had to come out with everything and then we would see how we felt about each other I don't hate her or despise her just hurt but I was also doing the hurting we took it as you messed because of "this" I'm going work on fxing that and she messed up because of "that" and she is going to work on fixing that.are we taking the correct steps


And that is all good. But as you stated in your opening post, you don't know how to trust her and you have a fear of abandonment.
She has done some things as well that are not quite normal. Going to counseling does not mean you two don't love each other, it means you have problems you two need help dealing with and you love each other enough to try to work things out.



You're 100% correct we can't fix this on our own because it might go back to the way it was

Should I do my own and couples or just do the couples,I'm thinking more of couples we need to fix us

youre 100% correct we can't fix this on our own because it might go back to the way it was

should i do my own and couples or just do the couples,i'm thinking more of couples we need to fix us

You should go with her, and then the therapist will help you with that question. They will want to talk to both of you to get a more clear picture!

Working on the issues separately is a good start. However, you both need to work together for the relationship to have a firm foundation.

By going to marriage/couple's counseling, you would be seeing the same person and be able to get help putting all the changes into practice in an effective manner.

By only working on issues separately, you risk getting conflicting information and ideas because the separate counselors don't know what the other one is suggesting or what the other person sees as the underlying problems.

I am glad you are both getting help for yourselves. Don't forget to get help for the 'couple', too.

Thanks I wll keep u posted

thanks i wll keep u posted

I hope to hear great things! Good luck.

the separate counselors don't know what the other one is suggesting or what the other person sees as the underlying problems.
If the couple lets their counselors know about each other and gives permission for them to confer, everyone will be on the same page. If it's physically possible, the entire gang could get together to talk now and then.

If the couple lets their counselors know about each other and gives permission for them to confer, everyone will be on the same page. If it's physically possible, the entire gang could get together to talk now and then.



All parties envoled or just us "the entire gang could get together to talk now and then." what does this mean confused

all parties envoled or just us "the entire gang could get together to talk now and then." what does this mean confused

The kids too, they give a great "realistic" picture of the behaviors of the household too! You will talk about all of this as soon as you go to your appointment.

UNLESS, she meant all of the individual therapists and you and your girlfriend. Which could be very well too!

UNLESS, she meant all of the individual therapists and you and your girlfriend. Which could be very well too!
She meant this -- counselors, children, adults -- the whole gang.

That way the counselors, especially if they have been trained in family systems therapy, would be able to observe the interactions between and among the clients and their children.

Good idea we are going together tomorrow and we will ask him about the kids

Thanks everyone this was theraputic on its own I will keep you posted

Went to our first session things are going great we said we are on the right path to treating each other right and making this work I think that we will be okay as long as we are willing to give this relationship 100% from us both no half a** stuff and as long as I put in effort to show I love her care share the responsibilities 50/50 no 100/100 from us I will let you guys know how the progess is going
THANK'STO EVERYONE

Keep up the counseling and the good work

Awesome! Great news!

went to our first session things are going great we said we are on the right path to treating each other right and making this work i think that we will be okay as long as we are willing to give this relationship 100% from us both no half a** stuff and as long as i put in effort to show i love her care share the responsibilites 50/50 no 100/100 from us i will let you guys know how the progess is going
THANK'STO EVERYONE

Great news. I hope everything continues to go well.:)

Yeah the one I figured out is that if you have no fear of the UNKNOWN there is nothing really to fear because with the fear of the unknown your mind will make sitituations up and your physicky
Will put that fear in your life and you will never truly be happy or stress free,

Okay people I feel like I have reasched a wall in couples therapy
She is doing everything in her power to make it work I have changed the way I treat her emotionally support her but for some reason every time I pass the name of the street he lives on it bothers me and when I'm in his neighborhood its bothers me I can get over the details,some times I feel great and some times I feel like giving up I ask myself are you strong enough for this me and her talked the other day because she knew something was bothering me so I asked her do you think what I did and what you did are the same she said NO she said that for lasting the whole 10 years it was way worse we both agreed,but I know forvinesess is a act not a feeling why can't I get over the certain details that happened that's when I start to have a bad day

why can't i get over the certain details that happend that's when i start to have a bad day

Keep firmly in mind that you are just starting down this path together. I am sure she has her moments of doubt, too. What is important at this stage is that you learn to forgive yourselves and work on forgiving each other.

It will take time to let all of the details go. Give yourselves that time.

It takes time. You are just going to have to rise above your feelings and find ways to compensate -- think about fluffy squirrels instead or about wiggly puppies or about chocolate ice cream or maybe figure out a way to put a positive spin on it. Things happened to me years ago and I thought I would never, ever forget them. Guess what -- I can't remember them anymore. Time will heal this too, but meanwhile spin it in a good way for your own sake.

Do you think I should bring this up today in counseling

do you think i should bring this up today in counseling

If it is keeping you from moving forward, then it might be an idea to bring it up.

The purpose of counselling is to help when there are problems - if this is a problem, by all means bring it up.

If you don't disclose the full story you are wasting your time.

Went to counselling yesterday told him in front of her that I felt like giving up I felt too much pressure he asked me what pressure I told him to fullfil her every need and desire 100% he said your sprinting into this you have to walk/crawl threw this you (me) put exceptations that no man could every reach he said a real man accepts himself for what he is and he asked her how do you feel about this she agreed he (me) is trying to do too much to fast and if he kept this up he was going fail. All she wants is me for me, I think that is why I got caught up on details I was thinking that is what the other man was the PERFECT man he you can't think of her or him you can only worrie about yourself she is willing to accept me for me and I'm willing to accept her for her and what she is *hit happens were human,after that session I felt this pressure relase of be you for all your worth flaws and all ,I'm me what you see is what I am if that's not enough for you(her)
I'm sorry but this is me...

For anyone going threw this have faith in yourself.. buddah wrote "All that we are is the result of what we have thought. If a man speaks or acts with an evil thought, pain follows him. If a man speaks or acts with a pure thought, happiness follows him, like a shadow that never leaves him.
Buddha

On life's journey faith is nourishment, virtuous deeds are a shelter, wisdom is the light by day and right mindfulness is the protection by night. If a man lives a pure life, nothing can destroy him.
Buddha"

This is my new montra on life

Okay people were doing awesome everything is great this is a question I can't answer myself I still want to marry her and she still wants to marry me I don't know if its still to soon she says she doesn't think so I need opnions everyone chim in give me some advice we have lived together for 10 years and we both agreed that the reason we didn't get married before is because we were doing our own thing (cheating) what do you think

the reason we didnt get married before is becasue we were doing our own thing (cheating) what do you think
Are you both done with that now?

Marriage is for better or for worse. There will probably be bad things happening along the way ("the worse" part of your vows). You've managed to stay together for ten years. That certainly says something. There are children involved. That definitely says something. Are you willing to go to counseling if "the worse" pops up? Are you planning to stay together anyway, even if not married? If so, then get married.

What does the counselor say?

What do you means the worse part of your vow's what is if the worse pop's up? If were married or not we plan on staying together

what do you means the worse part of your vow's what is if the worse pop's up? if were married or not we plan on staying together
The "worse" in marriage vows (that might demand counseling) --

Death of a child
Serious auto accident
Serious illness
Terminal illness
Loss of a limb by one of the partners or children
Chronic illness that stresses the entire family
House burns down
Child has learning disability
Teenage child acts out/gets pregnant/runs away from home/lands in jail

Want more ideas?

what do you means the worse part of your vow's what is if the worse pop's up? if were married or not we plan on staying together


If you aren't aware of the bad things that can happen in life, I would suggest that you not get married.

Hi Hrivera

Ive read through all the posts in this thread, and I say all credit to you, you're being very sensible and responsible too, and that's to be commended.

In response to your question about getting married,it may be better to get more counselling to ensure you have both resolved all past issues then consider getting married, that way you know you're going into the marriage with a completely clean slate.

That can only be a good thing.

Good luck with the counselling, to both of you, and Im sure you'll end up living the happy ever after. Well Done for getting this far..

The "worse" in marriage vows (that might demand counseling) --

death of a child
serious auto accident
serious illness
terminal illness
loss of a limb by one of the partners or children
chronic illness that stresses the entire family
house burns down
child has learning disability
teenage child acts out/gets pregnant/runs away from home/lands in jail

Want more ideas?

We see those are more of life changes not the worse in a marriage those items are out of our control so to answer yes we are both willing to deal with that


We have already have a child with a disability and we have dealt with a death in our family and we are aware of the bad things that can happen in life we just know that none of those thing are out of our control

we see those are more of life changes not the worse in a marriage those items are out of our control so to answer yes we are both willing to deal with that
Those are NOT life changes. Getting old is a life change. Children growing into teenagers is a life change. Moving to a different house is a life change. The list I gave you gives upsetting, even traumatic happenings that can cause a marriage to fail (and have caused marriages to fail).

It's so easy to say, "Oh, no big deal. We can deal with that. No problem." I pray you don't have to deal with any of those problems on my list, but some are inescapable. If you have dealt with some of them, and dealt with them together as a loving couple and family, good for you,

Those are NOT life changes. Getting old is a life change. Children growing into teenagers is a life change. Moving to a different house is a life change. The list I gave you gives upsetting, even traumatic happenings that can cause a marriage to fail (and have caused marriages to fail).

It's so easy to say, "Oh, no big deal. We can deal with that. No problem." I pray you don't have to deal with any of those problems on my list, but some are inescapable. If you have dealt with some of them, and dealt with them together as a loving couple and family, good for you,.

I understand that its easy to say OH NO BIG DEAL but also we can't worry about the unknown,but how do you know if you are ready for those situtations ? Is there any way to tell or do you have to have faith that the "marriage" you have is strong enough to sustain those problems

Yes - there is a way. It's total commitment to the marriage. When you say the "better or worse, richer or poorer, sickness or health" part you need to have a complete realization of what that means. I was amazed by the statistics of the number of marriages that fail when a terminal illness is involved.

We have spoken to each other and what the marriage contract consist of and we both are in agreement that we feel that we can face the world together as a whole and handle what ever it can throw at us but it is easier said than done.we just feel that if we can live threw this and still want to spend the rest of our lives together we can handle anything but again actions speak louder than words maybe this is a question for the counseler

maybe this is a question for the counseler

I think that may be the best person to consult. The counselor has talked to both of you and can give you a more informed opinion.

I, personally, think you should wait a bit longer and give counseling some more time to work. From what you have said, I think you both are committed to the relationship. I just want you to give time for things to become more settled and to give yourselves more time to be certain the past is in the past. Some of the saddest questions to me are the ones where one partner thought he/she was over the past but now he/she is having doubts. I don't want you to have those doubts.

Good luck. :)

After 10 years and all you have been through, what's the hurry now? I have been following this thread, and indeed a lot of progress has been made, but there is still much to do.

I think you both continue to talk to a counselor, and ask her guidance about marriage first.

You may as well take the time to do it right by the numbers.

Counseling has been going great he informed us that we are making such good progress that we are on a as need basis he also told us that he think that we are ready for marriage he words were why not you have faced your demons together and drug each other threw hell and back and you still love each you both have looked at this from what did I do to make this happen not what did the other person do I can say life is good right now

Thank you for the update.

I am glad things are going well for both of you. I hope things continue to improve. :)

Also one of the hardest things I ever had to do,its eaiser to give up then try to put the pieces back together because I feel that no matter what if we don't fix ourselves we would create the same problems in any other relationships

You have the key ingredient for a happy life, a willing partner.

I am happy to hear that.
Good for the both of you!

After 10 years, you're as good as married You may as well make it legal.
This should have been done three kids ago.

Could'nt get married at 15

So you guys are really young. Were you 15 or was she when you first started dating?
No reason not to do it now. How old are you?

Were 28 now we were 15 then when we had our first kid

You too need to stop playing house and get married. You're dealing with your problems good now, you may as well be doing it married.
Commit to her and your family, stop straddling the fence while wanting her to hang on to one of your legs.

The easiest thing to do is give up fight for what you want out of life go capture it and live life for each day that you are blessed with,don't go threw life unhappy we only have one chance at life make the best of it because living life to the fullest is a blessing in its self

the easiest thing to do is give up fight for what you want out of life go capture it and live life for each day that you are blessed with,dont go threw life unhappy we only have one chance at life make the best of it because living life to the fullest is a blessing in its self


This sounds like somethng out of a very bad Chinese fortune cookie - or plagerized.

Wells people a lot has happened since the last time I posted anything I'm glad to announce that the wedding is set for 5-19-2012 so for any one out there reading this and seeking for your own answers if your truly love someone you have to accept the bad and much as the good I'm not saying live with the type of life that got you to this point but rather point out what was wrong in the relationship come together as a team and work of them because together you can accomplish anything and live life just because your living doesn't mean your living life...

I wish you two the best

Thank you for updating us.

I am so happy that things are going well. I hope this is a great year for all of you and just the beginning of a wonderful life together.

Thanks for coming back to tell us about the upcoming wedding. We always like to see pictures of dogs, cats, babies, and weddings, and hear about the next chapter. Good wishes from me to all of you!