So I have a very elaborate situation, and most days I feel very stupid for some things I have done. I take full responsibility for my mistakes, and am looking for some helpful, non judgmental advice.

I am a 21 year old college student who really does have a problem with expressing my feelings. I am the type of girl who really needs her own space, time and BED.
My freshman year I met a guy who I thought was absolutely amazing. We dated for 2 years, and his family had trouble excepting my ethnic background (hispanic). I believe I'm very respectful, and raised well. Raised well meaning respectful of others, my image and my reputation. Some people cannot see past that. At the end of my relationship with this guy who was at the time 22, I was barely 20. He was ready to get married and settle down. He would constantly bring it up, setting a proposal time in months and such. Yet he never told his parents. When he started to really get serious after his graduation we were doing the long distance thing until September when I got back to school and in state. Over the summer he had many opportunities to come visit me but never took one chance because he had very convenient "family" things come up. Also during that time his family did a background check on my family and I, and a credit check. Although this has nothing to do with my current situation I find it imperative to fill everyone in on my previous relationships. When I did get back to school I set a time limit for him to finally visit me. It never happened so I ended the relationship because I was never given the time of day. After that relationship I started to realize I loved the guy but wasn't in love with him.

A semester later I met another guy, and ill call him 42. You will realize why later. Before we started dating he took me home to meet his family. They accepted me as I was, and always let me stay when I would drive through the state to visit friends. It was the first time I ever actually felt fuzzy for someone, and wanted it to work out. Sadly before me he was in a LTR with a girl who broke his heart. Of course it was hard to work out and ended. As I said before I was never one to need someone around and had spent most time single and just enjoying being young. During our short relationship together I felt I moved fairly slow holding out on the physical/sexual part of the relationship and emotional. I did tell him I was very interested in him and let him know I need my space so we would spend every other night or so apart. Basically he did a lot of the pursuing. When it did end I was crushed and through the grapevine heard that I was moving to fast, and he ended up sleeping with many of my female peers. It took me a long time to get over it, and I still feel like I am not over it. The close connection between me and his family didn't help either. His mom would call me and ask me about him because he wasn't himself. I just wanted him so bad, and most people really want what they can't have.

A few weeks after we ended the relationship I made a mistake. I ended up having a one night stand with one of his peers. I had no idea they were friends, but I did know they were on the same football team. The one night stand was the quarterback and we would always hang out prior to the incident. When the ex found out he was very very upset with me. He played defense on the football team. I still didn't understand why he was so upset about it because he took major advantage of me, and slept with many of my ex female friends.

My ex and I were friends before we dated and we had the same group of friends which I come to realize is not a good idea. I got really close to another one of his teammates who did play on defense and hung out with us a lot, we will call him 74. He at the time was getting over someone he was head over heels for, while I was doing the same. Over christmas break we talked everyday about the people we wanted to be with his ex and mine, 42. When we got back to school I was placed in the apt next to 74. Typically we got closer and closer. Before we realized we wanted to be together I went to 42 and laid it out on the table. I told him I was starting to like 74 a lot and them being teammates and good friends I asked him if it was okay if we dated. He said quote "I dont care what you do, happens. So if your happy with him be with him."



When I dated 42 he had also told me that 74 nicknamed me the fat cheerleader because I gained about fifteen lbs from the whole college experience, which thankfully ended up falling off! He would also tell me he would talk rudely about me. Making fun of little things I did. When I lost all the weight I jokingly confronted 74 about his prior antics when we had a small get together, he admitted it and told me he didn't know me well at the time, and he was sorry he said such hurtful things.

a few Months passed and we were dating for two months and he told me that he was in love with me (74). I was a little cautious and worried, so I confided in 42 knowing that they were really good friends. I soon found out I was one of only four girlfriends and also took his virginity. Very surprised I gave him the benefit of the doubt. Another night 74 told me that he couldn't wait for the NFL scouts to come watch him play because he wanted to give me the life I deserve. He wanted to make it so he can support me and be with me forever. I told him we would have to be married for something like that to happen and he responded "thats exactly what i want." this remark only being four months into our relationship, I went home that night and slept alone. It sort of ruined my night. I should have taken it even slower than before.

So here I am, Asking questions about this relationship. 74 tells me I'm beautiful, and amazing and treats me like a princess, I should be happy but I'm not. I don't understand why, but I figure it has something to do with me not opening up. I don't like having a clingy relationship and that's exactly what he is. He always has to be next to me, touching me or texting me. I am not the type of girl to cheat even if I'm not satisfied in my relationship. He is an awesome person and any girl who would look past his appearance would be so grateful to be with such a person. When he does tell me I'm beautiful and sexy its hard to believe because he once used me as the center of his jokes, being fat and stuff. When I asked him he just said he didn't know me well and shouldn't have said it once again.

A month passed and I lost touch with 42, I sense he got really jealous of 74 and I dating. He stopped coming around and talking to me in classes. He would see 74 and I walking on campus lightly flirting and being a new established couple and walk the other way. On occasion 42 would randomly call me or text me for stupid things, and I figured he just wanted to have contact with me so I deleted 42's number and stopped talking to him as well, to be respectful to 74 and our relationship. Well here's another horrible situation, I have had a dream about 42 every single night for the past few weeks. Funny thing is I never see him or talk to him during the day. I don't ever even think about him, but at night he is in my head. I feel like a horrible person.

I know I'm young and have a whole life ahead of me and there are many fish in the sea. Ya know the common advice I do get when I have relationship problems. I don't know what to do because I think 74 deserves better than me because I can't give him what he believes he gives me. He is in love with me and I'm not on that level yet. I wish it didn't take me such a long time to evolve genuine feelings for someone. I also wish I didn't meet 42. I think my heart is in the wrong place. I know this is a long long story and not really a question but I feel there needs a lot of background for a good reply on advice. Please be nice and not shut me down. I feel like I have really messed up and just need thoughts.:confused:

Why would you have messed up? You're young, you're exploring relationships, and you're finding about about yourself.

Life and love don't come with a 'how to manual' that you can download on your iPod from Limewire!

I do think that you're being extremely hard on yourself.

- So it takes you a while to warm up to a relationship... better than jumping in with both feet and being completely over your head.

- So you've connected with two guys that are in the same footy team... lots of people do that.

- So you're not happy with 74... it's simply your intuition telling you that he's not the one that you really want to give your heart to.

It's OK to have doubts and to feel unsure of someone (particularly when you've previously been the butt of their jokes) - there is nothing that says you HAVE to feel comfortable with this guy. Just because someone says they want to marry you (what does that mean, anyway?), doesn't mean you should feel the same way.

What you should however work towards (and essentially this something we work for most of our lives) is feeling comfortable with yourself.

Trust your guts - you sound sensible and smart - take life and love at YOUR pace, slowly if need be, and enjoy yourself.

If the whole thing with 42 is really troubling you, then perhaps you might benefit from speaking with someone. The way I see it, you have nothing to feel guilty or horrible about!

If the whole thing with 42 is really troubling you, then perhaps you might benefit from speaking with someone. The way I see it, you have nothing to feel guilty or horrible about!

I think my biggest problem is I could be myself with 42. You always want what you can't have. I just wish he would have given me more of a chance to show him I was worth it. I could have been like any other girl and given myself to him, I guess that's where I made the mistake? Lol

Well... I think you've learned some important things about yourself, and that maybe what you call "mistakes" really aren't...

Maybe its more complicated than you'd like... but that's fine.

I think you know you need space... that its perfectly reasonable to think someone is moving way to fast when you feel like that's the case...

I think its helpful to think about most relationships as being for a time and not all time... that doesn't mean you can't find something that lasts and that "sticks"... but I also think its useful to accept a relationship that didn't last as not being a failure...

For ex... there's a girl in san antonio whom I dated... I think we wouldve been a great couple, and I suspect it couldve been real long term, if "timing" was better... but life was in the way and the timing was off. I don't think I'm being nostalgic... I think its possible to sometimes love someone you can't be with or aren't ready for...

And its possible to be around someone who is just way too into you... its nice to have the attention to some degree... but its reasonable to feel unsettled when someone is just too clingy...

So... I guess I have no answers other than do your best to not spend too much time thinking about what you might have done "wrong"... you can always supply yourself with lots of second guessing and harsh criticism for things in the past... but much of the time its really just energy spent on something you cannot control or manage... the past is o-vah. There some peace in really accepting that.

I think my biggest problem is i could be myself with 42. you always want what you can't have. i just wish he would have given me more of a chance to show him i was worth it. I could have been like any other girl and given myself to him, i guess thats where i made the mistake? lol

It's not a mistake, it's an experience - the 'what if's' are in the end, no use to us. You did what you thought was the right thing at the time, and it was neither 'right' nor 'wrong'.

It is the way it is, and it ended the way it did. Thinking back, regretting, won't change that. Yea, you would have liked it to be different, but it wasn't. Worrying won't change anything - take it from someone that knows! Try to let it go and think about now, and the future.

You know what they say, the past is the past - you can't unscramble the egg.