My mother physically abused me as a child and teen, she kept a board on top of the refridgtor to hit me with, if I bat talked as she called it she would beat me with the board when she would hit me I would put my hand back there, because it hurt but she would yell move your hands, I would go to school with bruised knuckles and tried to write, it was in 1975 when beating your child was OK there where times my dad would hold me down while my mother hit me, she would tell me she was going to knock my teeth down my throat so she hit me in the mouth and made my nose bleed and bust my lip, a lot. She did this till I was old enough to fight back, then she quit, I am now 45 yr old my mother is 83yr old all my other sisters get along with her but there is times we don't talk for months I have been in counceling for years, my mother to this day does not admit she ever did this to me and my three sisters where all older then me and the age gap was so much that my sisters never saw this and they don't believe me. My father is now gone. I have tried for so long still keep hoping she will change but never has I am scared she will die and I will feel guilty for not getting along with her, my counselor always tells me to quit sticking my hand in the lions den just to have it bit off I guess I just keep hoping things will change. I just don't understand why we can't get along after all these years, but she gets along with everyone of my sisters just not me,she still never admits to this and when I bring it up she acts like I am crazy.

Sometimes you have to believe your counsellor and follow her advice - if this situation is upsetting to you, then you simply have to walk away and accept for a fact that you and your mother will never be friends or have a good relationship.

It sounds like she should feel guilty, not you. What does your counsellor say about your feelings of guilt?

It sounds like your mother is still beating you up, you resent it and feel guilt for your defiance.

Stay in counseling, and know that you've done all that you can do.

Write her a letter, and explain that after all that has happened to you, by her hands, that you forgive her and want to make things right. After that is done, wash your hands of the whole affair.

She knows what she has done to you. She knows...

God bless you.

Stay in counseling, and know that you've done all that you can do.

Write her a letter, and explain that after all that has happened to you, by her hands, that you forgive her and want to make things right. After that is done, wash your hands of the whole affair.

She knows what she has done to you. She knows.......

God bless you.



I agree BUT in these family situations where fingers are being pointed (or, really, in any situation) I think the letter would say I am sorry for my part in this, I forgive you for your part in this.

The "I forgive you" part seems - to me - to be putting blame on the mother, blame which she may very well deserve but isn't going to accept.

Know what I mean?

You know it happened and have tried to talk to her and make peace with her. There is nothing more you can do to force your aged mother to admit the abuse.

The "I forgive you" part seems - to me - to be putting blame on the mother, blame which she may very well deserve but isn't going to accept.


Judy's statement is very acute.

There is an old dictum in the counseling field in relation to resolving an interpersonal dispute such as yours:

"Both parties come with a willingness to forgive....but not to be forgiven." In search of solving the problem it is always wise to keep this truism in mind.

Write a simple letter, use it to guide you.

Ask to speak to her, bring it up. Let her call you crazy, LET HER MAKE YOU ANGRY, HURT, SAD. Let her make you feel the way you felt when she beat you as a child. Let her bring those emotions out of you... and if she succeeds in doing so, tell her exactly how you feel. All the hurt, pain, anger, disgust. Share all of your emotions and feelings with her. Cry in front of her, SHOW HER HOW HURT YOU ARE and when all that you need to say is out there in the open, walk away. Walk out of whatever place she's in and leave your pain, anger, confusion and all of your feelings with her. LET HER TAKE IT HOW SHE WANTS TO TAKE IT.

Don't let this eat you. Don't beat yourself up over this.

All you need to do is find the strength and courage to let her know how you feel... to relieve yourself of the pain she caused you and after you do so, look within yourself to forgive her.

You don't have to tell her that you forgive her but as long as you forgive her in your heart and can look back at those years without anger or pain but strength and a peaceful mind, you'll be fine.