My girlfriend and I have been dating for almost 4 months now. The relationship started very slowly with an initial blind date. We quickly became friends and started hanging out a lot. Soon later things got a little more serious and we've been together ever since.

Initially the sex was a bit bumpy. Took us a little time to get used to each other which I hope is not too uncommon. After that, however, the sex was great. We do a lot of things together, care for each other and have what I think is a good solid relationship. We've both made compromises to make things work. We did have a couple of bad fights but we somehow managed to get over them and our relationship ended up getting better as a result.

Lately, however, we've been having problems with sex. She still likes to cuddle, make out, and be romantic but when we have sex something turns her off. She is no longer as excited as she used to be. I would have to allocate an unbelievable amount of time to foreplay for her to enjoy sex and I'm not quite sure that is normal. I enjoy foreplay and I enjoy giving her pleasure but it makes me feel like I have to work very hard to get her excited about having sex with me and that is somewhat of a turn off for me. In the past we could just have sex without any foreplay and without any effort from my part and she would really enjoy it. Over the last couple of weeks I actually had to stop during sex because I could tell that she was just going through the motions and I felt like it wasn't appropriate to keep going.

We did talk about it a couple of times. She keeps saying that she really likes me and that she's really into me but I sense that something is wrong. I'm pretty sure she is not cheating on me as we almost live together and we spend an unbelievable amount of time together. I would also imagine that if she were cheating that the rest of the relationship would have fallen apart too.

What is confusing me is that just recently she told me that she is starting to fall in love with me and that she really cares for me. I have shared the same feelings with her too on a number of occasions. I didn't try to put any pressure on her though as we've only been together for 4 months. So despite her strong feelings towards me she is still unable to enjoy having sex. I'm no expert but that spells out trouble in my mind.

I'm not sure what I should do at this point. Talk about it? Ignore the subject? Stop initiating sex completely? Stop having sex? I obviously don't want to reject her in any way but at the same time I really don't want to attempt having sex if she isn't going to enjoy it. At times she initiates sex but then we have to stop half way which really hurts my feelings.

Any constructive advice would be greatly appreciated.

How old are you? You are both quite young based on what you said.

It IS possible that it seems to her that everything you do revolves around sex... or trying to get her to have sex instead of other things.

And 4 months is no time at all to get to know each other. After that short of a time you still barely know each other... and haven't yet had time to really see each other for who you each really are. Its impossible to do that effectively in less than several years because you are each on your best behaviour and not being yourselves. Common during the early stages of getting to know anyone.

It does seem like they're quite young, and a little inexperience. A sexual encounter doesn't need to end with penetration. Foreplay might be the vast majority of an encounter.

A thought for you as well. Occasionally Being selfish in bed isn't a bad thing. I have found that the emphasis during an encounter seems to be focusing on getting the female off while generally ignoring the man. Sometimes this leaves the man wanting while the woman is satiated. I bring this up because you had said that you had stopped because she was just going through the motions. Why stop?

That being said she's your girlfriend not your dumpster. Don't treat her as such. She might be getting the impression that is how you see her. Get to know her a little more. I also think, because she has thrown the L word out, that you need to talk about your expectations and desires for the relationship. You need to strike a balance in the relationship.

It sounds like there are issues here that predate your dating. It might be good to figure out what they are.

Let me see if I can answer your questions. I'm 28 and my girlfriend is 25. We've both been in relationships before so while I'm no expert by any means I wouldn't quite consider myself totally inexperienced.

I did have a talk with my girlfriend a couple of times about whether our relationship revolved too much around sex. As you imagine, that was an issue that she brought up. I tend to be very sexually active but I have always felt that we did plenty of other things with each other. We talk a lot, we hang out a lot, we get work done around each other, we go to concerts, movies, etc. We both lead very active lives and have found a nice way to merge our lives so that we can spend plenty of time together. I will keep that thought in mind though as having too much sex did come up a couple of times in the past. The confusion I have though is that she initiates sex sometimes too so I feel like it is not only me who is looking to have sex. I suppose, however, I try to initiate sex a lot more than she does. I wonder if that is the problem. Should women initiate sex as much as men in a healthy relationship? Does initiating cuddling and kissing count? Or is sex just a different beast?

You are absolutely right, 4 months is barely enough time to get to know someone. We do communicate openly and I think we are past putting on a good face all the time. We are very honest, open and do not really fear speaking our minds.

I agree that a sexual encounter does not have to end with penetration. For some reason I seem to have lost that over the last few weeks. I seem to expect having sex every time we get intimate and that may be part of the problem. I just didn't see it before despite it being very obvious.

I feel uncomfortable having sex with my girlfriend if she is not completely enjoying it. It is somewhat of a turn off for me. A big part of the pleasure I get is when I give her pleasure. If it were just about my pleasure, I might as well watch porn and masturbate. At least that is my perspective and I'm sure many people might not see it that way.

We didn't really throw the L word out yet. I think both of us have been dancing around it for a while. We both seem to be probing each other to see where we stand emotionally. This sounds very childish but for some reason we both seem to be very sensitive to saying the L word in case the other person is not really for it. I guess it all comes back to 4 months being very little time to judge a relationship and its potential.

I am not sure what you mean by "there may be issues that predate your dating". We both certainly have some baggage that we carry from previous relationships. I think we've worked through many things but I'm not entirely sure how the past may be affecting our relationship. I'm also not sure how one would go about resolving such issues without having to go digging through the past and stirring old emotions and thoughts.

Thank you very much for your responses. You've definitely given me a lot to think about!

Perception is everything... particularly with women. Never hurts to talk.. (and do listen, really listen).. Guys can and do single track on their focus... and never even notice it. Lots of relationships end before they really get a chance to take off because of this.

Smoothy brought up focus... Big issue. I realize that males are not "bad." The ability to compartmentalize and focus is a great tool, especially when you're working out a math equation or hitting a home run.

Women, experiencing and sorting tons of input all at once can be turned off during a romantic encounter by a man's focus on only one or two aspects of what they're doing together. She can actually feel ignored... I've felt like I was with an "alien being."

I would suggest talking with her about her apparent lack of interest. As soon as you notice her indifference raising it's ugly head, exhibiting signs of withdrawal (hers.) The signs are probably apparent before even getting undressed. This conversation would likely occur while kissing and cuddling.

Tell her what you noticed, kindly and carefully of course. Ask her what's up with that. Encourage her to talk about what she is thinking and feeling at that moment, even if she isn't sure what she did or what she thinks. Listen to her, don't suggest solutions or try to fix it, just listen and accept what you hear.

Allowing another to work something out, to figure out how to explain it to you... Allows growth. You will both grow. And you will do it as a team. That builds a strong relationship.

Thank you both for your thoughtful and extremely helpful responses. I will definitely keep all of that in mind. I only wish I got a chance to do any of your suggestions. Over the last few days she has been completely busy. We still talk on the phone a lot and send each other messages but it just hit me today that I haven't seen her in a few days. By a few days I mean 3 or 4 days. That is probably the longest stretch since we've met. Prior to this we pretty much lived together and saw each other every single day. She still seems nice via text and our phone conversations are still normal but for some reason I have this terrible feeling that she is avoiding me on purpose. She plans on hanging out with her friends tonight which means she is not completely busy and has time to spare but for some reason not for me. I suppose she wants to connect with some of her friends and may feel that she has given me way too much attention over the last few months. I really don't know anymore.

I really hope I am not reading too much into this but the more I think about it the more I feel it is true. I haven't tried to ask her if I'll see her. I'm just waiting for her to want to see me which was always the case. I guess I just have to be patient and ride things out.

I just hate this feeling that I'm almost scared of asking my girlfriend if I'll see her today. I'm afraid she'll think I just want sex. I'm afraid of trying to be intimate in my text messages. I feel like telling her that I miss her but I'm not sure whether that will be the best thing I could do or the worst thing!

Anyway, I think I will have to sleep on it tonight and see how it goes over the next few days. I just don't understand how something so simple could become so complicated.

I'd like to share one last detail that just happened in case anyone has any more thoughtful insights.

My girlfriend just went out and had dinner with her friends. She then sent me a text message saying, "can I call you when I get home?" I'm not even sure why she would ever ask that. She always just called me whenever she felt like it.

Then her follow up message was, "unless u want to come over 2night and we can both get more work done". For some reason I didn't feel like that invitation was a genuine especially since it came after the message asking whether she could call me later. I really don't know why I couldn't just say yes I'd love to come over. I ended up saying, "of course babe u can call me any time. i should still be up". No response from her after that. I'm not sure what kind of response I was expecting anyway.

I have no idea what she is feeling and I don't know how to act or respond. I feel lost. Am I giving her space that she needs or am I being cold? Will this push her away more or will it give her a chance to miss me? I can't even tell the difference anymore! I absolutely hate this.

As it turns out almost every suggestion (and hence underlying problem) exists in our relationship. I approached my girlfriend openly. I told her that I miss her and that I'd like to talk to her because I know that something isn't quite right. She was nice enough to come over to my place to talk.

She immediately told me that she resented a conversation we had last week when I mentioned that I'd like to help her lose the extra weight that has been bothering her. In my stupidity I thought I was being supportive by saying that I'd be happy to work out with her at the gym, go for long walks, play a sport over the weekend with her, etc, etc, just to help her lose the extra weight that she felt uncomfortable about. Unfortunately, as it turns out, my comment was hurtful and she resented it. It made her feel that I didn't like her as she is and that I wanted to change her.

I thought that would be the end of the problem but of course it never is one thing I suppose. As we were discussing things, I mentioned to her that we never allocate any time to go to the gym and that I just wanted to fix that. She screamed at me and said, "that is because we are freaking having sex all the time". I suppose I had that one coming. No matter how prepared one is, a comment like that just really hurts. I just haven't been able to get over that statement. She ended up spending the night but here I am simply unable to sleep.

If there is any advice I can give people out there it is that one needs to always keep the communication channels open. It is truly amazing what you can discover from an honest conversation. At the same time, however, be prepared for what you may hear as you might not like it. I still haven't figured out how to react so I don't have any advice in that department (yet). Too much shock, as she sleeps next to me I find every muscle in my body rejecting her. For some reason that comment just shook me to my core.

Thanks again to everyone for their feedback. It was very helpful.

@ kmatter - Can I say something ?

I think the girl is not totally in love with you. She seems to possibly compare you to her previous sexual conquests.

And you are possibly not living up to those standards? Try getting into her head and finding out what exactly did she love about sex.

Some women like it gentle some like it rough some like it naughty some like it dirty. You have to know what turns her on .

If she constantly tells you that she is STARTING TO FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU , it simply means she is Not all that into you, because she is reassuring herself she is happy in the place she is - with you.

Perhaps you give her stability of having someone who loves her around. And she doesn't want to lose that !

Sometimes as you grow older and have you fair share of heartbreaks, you compromise yourself into loving someone because you are unable to fall in love with the same intensity again.

I think that it's a similar situation.

If you are not the man of her dreams, then this is bound to happen. It happens in most relationships where the woman is compromising on her wants.

This would be a difficult one to give specific advice on. Mostly because none of us know her well, and to use a cliché... you will be walking on eggshells.

Sometimes we find that there are enough differences that its not going to be... you can't force something that just isn't right. And it happens all the time. That's why you really want to date someone for at least 3 years before even considering marriage. Know when to walk away because you aren't on the same sheet of music and know when a problem is simply a misunderstanding and work through it. That's a difficult skill to learn.

But as imgorgeous mentioned... you aren't doing anyone any favors if you are going against your own nature just to make someone happy. Eventually the game playing stops and you see each other for who you really are and someone ends up unhappy... feelings are hurt.. people get upset, and years of your life are lost all because someone believed they could change to make someone else happy.

People don't really change without a major life event happening.

And learning social skills is not making major changes. THAT is all about learning when to keep quiet... and when to speak up, when you get right down to it.

Another cliché that means roughly the same thing... is "Choose your battles carefully..."

Nothing is ever 100% perfect... everyone at times has to bite their lip... at other times talk it out... and some times... just simply walk away.

Can't say exactly what needs done here because we only see this through your eyes.

But giving her some space is good... if you go out... go someplace public... where there are lots of people. That she will know is that. When she knows there will be NO opportunity for sex. Assuming she is even receptive to that at this point.

But in any case... step back a few steps... tone it down a bit... give her some space, and follow her lead a little bit. But do keep in mind you are at a crossroads... and you don't know exactly where you are going... because she is driving and you are along for the ride at the moment.

She immediately told me that she resented a conversation we had last week when I mentioned that I'd like to help her lose the extra weight that has been bothering her. In my stupidity I thought I was being supportive by saying that I'd be happy to work out with her at the gym, go for long walks, play a sport over the weekend with her, etc, etc, just to help her lose the extra weight that she felt uncomfortable about. Unfortunately, as it turns out, my comment was hurtful and she resented it. It made her feel that I didn't like her as she is and that I wanted to change her.

*Warning Little bit of a Thread Jack/rant*

It amazes me almost constantly how little women understand men and their boyfriends in particular. We ain't your girlfriends. If you say that you're bothered by some extra weight you're carrying, we aren't going to commiserate that fact and suggest it is all in your head while we head out for some soothing ice cream. We have a sympathetic shoulder, but we are going to try to fix the problem.

We fix things. You come to us because the sink is leaking, well we will fix it. You say that the door squeaks, we will oil it. You tell us that you're boss is being a total b***h, then we will mention that we know someone with a back hoe and 40 acres of muskeg in northern Alberta. You tell us you're oil needs changing, we will change it.

We don't think you're fat. We don't think you're incompetent. We think you're asking for help and we help.

*end rant/thread jack*

That being said. I think that smoothy and imgorgeous have the idea. I think it is time for both of you need to step back and take a look at the relationship. Come up with a list of reasons to break up and reasons to stay together. Note that Time Served or effort put into the relationship isn't a reason to stay together, even if it is only 4 months.

Honestly, based ONLY from what you have said, it doesn't sound like a good match. Opinion.

*Warning Little bit of a Thread Jack/rant*

It amazes me almost constantly how little women understand men and their boyfriends in particular. We ain't your girlfriends. If you say that you're bothered by some extra weight you're carrying, we aren't going to commiserate that fact and suggest it is all in your head while we head out for some soothing ice cream. We have a sympathetic shoulder, but we are going to try to fix the problem.

We fix things. You come to us because the sink is leaking, well we will fix it. You say that the door squeaks, we will oil it. You tell us that you're boss is being a total b***h, then we will mention that we know someone with a back hoe and 40 acres of muskeg in northern Alberta. You tell us you're oil needs changing, we will change it.

We don't think you're fat. We don't think you're incompetent. We think you're asking for help and we help.

*end rant/thread jack*



Indeed the whole male/female brain thing is often at the root of arguments. However most men can learn to accept they don't ALWAYS have to fix things. If a woman can make it clear to a parner when she just wants him to hear her and not fix anything and if he can hear and accept that he can avoid the trap. Similary, women are perfectly able to be pragmatic and get the screwdriver out as well as offer tea and sympathy when they are clear that is what is needed.

If you can both understand the basics of how the sexes normally approach things differently, learn to make clear what your needs are, and be able to adapt when your automatic response isn't the one required every time, this can go a long way.

In my defense, when I offered to help her lose weight I wasn't trying to fix anything or take control of the situation or anything like that. I was just trying to be supportive. Everyone, including her parents, has been telling her that she needs to lose the extra weight she put on. I wanted to be supportive. Instead of saying, "yes you need to lose weight", I wanted to be the person she can rely on. That's all.

She sent me a text message today apologizing for hurting my feelings. We aren't really making any plans to see each other or hang out or anything like that. I think I'll take the advice of taking a step back and giving her space and time. I think I need space and time too actually. It isn't particularly easy for me. I feel like I am in a very awkward situation.

The whole sex situation is completely confusing for me. We have a very open relationship and we've talked many times about what we both like in bed. I thought I was doing a terrific job at pleasing her in bed. On several occasions she's told me that our sex life is the best one she's ever had. Of course I have no way of verifying that. She is a very honest person in general so I tend to believe what she says. Or maybe, in that particular instance, I really just wanted to believe it. But in all honesty, I do work very hard in the bedroom to please my partner.

I have a question for the women out there though. If you are really into someone, and he is supposedly giving you the best sex life ever, is it normal to take forever for you to orgasm sometimes? There are nights where I have to work extremely hard while having sex, if you know what I mean. I usually make sure she has an orgasm first. That was one of the first signs that got me a little worried. But as I said before I do have an unbelievable appetite for sex and I suppose not every woman can keep up with that. I thought she did and I thought she enjoyed it. But I suppose I was in my own little bubble. There were a few signs I suppose but I chose to ignore them. Should a woman just get aroused by the sight of her man and be able to perform without any stimulation? Or is that just in movies? Do women in general need a lot of foreplay? I know foreplay helps but sometimes when it has to be a foreplay marathon for things to go smoothly later on it tends to worry me. Any thoughts on that, particularly from women, would be very much appreciated.

Also, is it possible for a woman to be totally into the sexual activity, totally wanting to have sex, yet unable to get sufficiently wet? Is that normal? We've experienced that on several occasions. She'd be totally into me, seemingly enjoying every moment, but at the same time not wet at all which makes things difficult. I know one could use lubrication and what not but I want to understand this point better from a woman's perspective. When should I be worried and when is it totally normal?

For some reason sex is important to me. It makes me feel connected to her and it is my way of showing her that I really care about her. I'm not selfish in bed at all. If anything I'm too selfless. I always put her first but I suppose many people disagree with that philosophy and I'm not sure it is the best way to go anymore. Any thoughts on that too would be greatly appreciated.

I just realized that I'm leaving people with a marathon of questions. I guess I am inexperienced after all. For some reason though, it almost feels like the more I learn the less I know!

Look, I'm a woman and the way I see this situation is like this:

1. You've only known each other 4 months. Good sex, where both people feel comfortable can take years, and anyway it changes as we change and as our relationships change. Four months is a very short time to establish any sort of meaningful sexual connection.

2. You've been at it like rabbits in the first few months, probably bonking more than talking. I suspect it's been a 'too much too soon' scenario, particularly since you've been almost living together.

3. She's enjoyed the excitement of penetration without foreplay for a short while, but is now getting sick of it and needing less of the 'wham bam thank you mam'. She's wanting to feel as if you're interested in HER as well as the sex. If foreplay annoys you, because it's talking so long to arouse her, then perhaps she's feeling your annoyance and that's putting her off.

4. You've been taking a very one eyed approach to sex, believing that penetration and orgasm are the destination. That's why European men are said to be great lovers - they get involved in the journey, and the destination, when it comes (so to speak) is a bonus. Quickies are OK some of the time - they are intense and raw - but generally speaking women prefer to take longer and build the passion.

5. Many women don't get wet quickly - that's what foreplay is for, and foreplay doesn't have to happen in the bedroom. It's called romance.

6. Many women also have an appetite for sex which is just as large as yours, it's just that they have a different arousal threshold - they often take longer to get aroused and stay aroused for longer.

I would suggest that - despite what you say - you're very focused on yourself and your needs and that you're using your responses as a benchmark. I know you know that women are different, but I think that you need to be reminded.

Slow down, in the end it's actually not about sensation or positions or foreplay - it's about connection. Fabulous sex happens when you care about each other and when you can let go of your expectations and just accept each other without over-thinking it all.

I go back to my original point - it's only been 4 months.

Gemini54, thank you for all the points you've mentioned. Just to clarify, I absolutely love foreplay. I just got worried when I felt that my girlfriend wasn't as aroused as I would have hoped. Her wetness, if you will, is just my way of knowing that I'm doing the right things. When she is not wet, I cannot help but feel that I'm doing something wrong. That makes me somewhat anxious. The same goes with when she has an orgasm. It is just my way of knowing that what I'm doing is giving her pleasure. You are absolutely right though, I have been thinking of an orgasm as the destination and if we don't reach it I get frustrated. Please note that I'm talking about HER orgasm. For me it is easy. I can usually orgasm after 5 minutes of sex but I always hold out for her. I was under the impression that it may be frustrating for a woman to have sex and not orgasm. At least that is the case for guys. Are women different in that regard too? My girlfriend did tell me many times that even though she did not orgasm that she still really enjoyed it. For guys that would just be a bad case of blue balls. At least for me that's the case.

We do have a good sexual connection even though it has only been 4 months. Also, as I mentioned earlier things did change over time like you were suggesting. Initially everything was very bumpy and awkward but eventually we did figure out what works well for the two of us.

I have to admit that I may have not done enough in the romance department. I'm certainly not looking for quickies. I suppose I just need to be reassured that my girlfriend is enjoying what I'm doing and that I am indeed doing the right things. I just find it hard sometimes to tell if that is indeed the case, hence my marathon of questions in my previous post. My questions weren't out of frustration that I required more quickies and less foreplay. Instead they were out of concern whether I was doing the right things in bed.

I will definitely start to focus more on the romance involved, finding that natural connection and enjoying each others' company. We certainly enjoy each others' company and we tend to spend a lot of time together (not having sex). Romance is one department I have definitely fallen short in lately and that might be the source of the problems in the first place.

I'm actually relieved that making a good sexual connection takes more time as opposed to it being lack of interest or lack of enjoyment. Also if it is normal for women to have a higher arousal threshold then that comes as a great relief to me too. I have a feeling that I may be able to put my anxiety aside and really focus on the things that matter. I haven't been able to do that lately.

Gemini54, you are right, part of the problems, and my anxiety actually is that we've only been dating for 4 months. You are also right that we may be falling into the too much too soon category. We did talk about that a couple of times. I'm in no rush to force a sexual connection and I don't mind letting it take its time to happen. Thanks for all the helpful pointers. Many of them were eye openers and many of them gave me a sense of deep relief.

As a woman I'll be the first to admit we can be awkward in some respects, or at least I can. What turns me on one day may not work at all another. Sometimes I can reach orgasm literally within seconds, sometimes it can seem to take forever, occaisonally it just doesn't happen. Sometimes an orgasm can be really important to me and occaisionally I actually prefer not to but still fully enjoy the sex.

A lot of it is to do with what is going on in my head, sometimes what is going on with my hormones. My partner's behaviour out of bed can have a lot to do with how easy it is for me to get turned on, but sometimes it's just 'me' stuff and has very little to do with him but just my mood, tiredness, or whatever.

I'm rather older and have been with my partner a long time so we have both come to understand this better. I know when it's me and I know when it's because I'm not getting what I want now, whether in or out of the bedroom.

The point is, sometimes in the early days, when we are so wrapped up in one another, it can be hard to differentiate between our own stuff and what we want from our partner.

Your plan to step back a bit and work on other aspects of your relationship and not worry too much about the sex right now sounds very sensible. Always be prepared to communicate but that means about everything not just sex, though it's very good that you can talk about the sex of course.

Also, there's no secret recipe for sex, it is something that can keep evolving in a relationship for years and years, but relax and enjoy experimenting, don't think of it as something you have to master, just something to share.

Best wishes to you both.

QLP, you are so thoughtful and so wise. It was a pleasure reading your response. Thank you for sharing!

That is pretty much what I figured. I wasn't always the source of the problem. It did often depend a lot on what was in her head. It did depend on how we interacted over the week. It did depend on how much fun we were having. It did depend on what was going on in her personal life. There were so many components that were beyond my control that I always just had to ride the waves and see where I end up. My girlfriend is definitely emotionally complex. At times I feel like I know exactly what is going on in her head and at times I find myself completely lost. But during those few moments when I know exactly what she wants, exactly what she's thinking, exactly what she needs, I feel on top of the world. Everything is worth it. It gives me great pleasure to connect with someone like that.

The problem though is when that connection is lost. I'm not just talking about sex by the way. I'm talking about generally connecting with someone. Understanding them. Being a part of their life. A pleasant part. Sharing your deepest thoughts, fears and emotions with them. That feeling of being able to let go is simply unbelievable.

Now that connection is lost. I'm in the dark. I don't know how she is feeling. I don't know what she's feeling. I'm too scared to ask anymore. I'm too proud (or even arrogant) to be the one that lets his guard down (again). I feel like I've been doing that time and time again. I need her to show me that she cares about me. We've barely spoken in a number of days now and I'm no longer sure what that means. I've become a causal observer of a relationship that I was once in and it feels like it is ending and I'm too arrogant to work at it. Shouldn't both people involved work at making a relationship work? Why should I always be the one that lets his guard down and tries to make things work? It seems unfair.

If she can go for days without keeping in touch with me, why should I be the one that breaks that pattern? It hurts me deeply to be in this situation. I hate games. I hate guessing what I need to do. I hate acting like I don't care. I hate pretending I don't miss her. I hate pretending I don't want to call her. But if I'm the only one putting in all the effort then I cannot help but feel that something is wrong.

I never understood why relationships have to be so difficult. In my head I see absolute simplicity. I care about you. I want to be with you. I want to be around you no matter what. If I'm hurt I still want to be around you. If I'm lost I still want to be around you. My girlfriend, on the other hand, shuts me out completely when we are having problems. That is her way of dealing with things. It hurts me deeply but it seems like there is nothing I can do about it.

It just kills me to see a wonderful relationship die for the wrong reasons. But I'm beginning to see that I care about her more than she cares about me. That is really what it comes down to. That is the crossroad that I'm at.

Should one fight or let go? I suppose there is no right answer (as other people have already mentioned). There is no cook book. There is no formula. I only hope that I make the right decision but then again I have a feeling that the decision has already been made for me. Life can be very harsh sometimes.

If you want to risk putting yourself on the line one more time perhaps you could tell her exactly what you have just told us. It is full of feeling and honesty. If that doesn't move her then maybe she just isn't into you and the relationship enough and you deserve someone who is.

Maybe you would prefer to give her space and see if she comes to you first. As long as you are able to accept that there is a possibility she won't make the effort and don't feel you will kick yourself too hard for not making one more try then that is perfectly valid too.

Whatever you decide and however it works out you are clearly a caring guy who is willing to put a lot of effort in. Don't allow this to harden your heart. Use whatever you have learned, whether to strengthen this relationship if you are given the chance, or to forge new ones in the future.

I am sorry you are having such a tough time right now and wish you well.

Perhaps the most sensible action, for your own peace of mind at this point, is to back off a little and give yourself some breathing space.

You seem to have jumped into this relationship with incredible intensity and seem to expect too much of it, yourself and of her.

I go back to my original point in my previous post - and I know that this is not necessarily of any solace to you - but it's only been 4 months.

You can't expect of a 4 month relationship, what you might expect of a 4 year relationship. The level of analysis and expectation you're applying to your connection with this girl may be driving her away.

My now husband, was incredibly intense in the first year of our relationship, so much so that I had to ask him to back off, or I would have had to run away myself! I felt overwhelmed by him and I felt as if I didn't have the personal space to respond to his expectations and his desire/love/commitment to me.

It may well be that your GF likes you less than you like her - but I wonder if your intensity and the 'too much too soon' scenario has prompted her to distance herself? She may be feeling overwhelmed as well, and in need of some personal space. I suspect you do to.


I never understood why relationships have to be so difficult. In my head I see absolute simplicity. I care about you. I want to be with you. I want to be around you no matter what. If I'm hurt I still want to be around you. If I'm lost I still want to be around you. My girlfriend, on the other hand, shuts me out completely when we are having problems. That is her way of dealing with things. It hurts me deeply but it seems like there is nothing I can do about it.

Try to understand that there are 2 people in a relationship with feelings and expectations, so that things will never be simple, or as you see them. Your 'benchmark' may not be the other persons - she may want to be elsewhere if she's feeling lost, hurt or overwhelmed. This is her way of coping, and is no reflection on you or the relationship.

Why don't you let her 'be' for a little while and try to stop worrying? I know, easier said that done!

Perhaps the most sensible action, for your own peace of mind at this point, is to back off a little and give yourself some breathing space.

You seem to have jumped into this relationship with incredible intensity and seem to expect too much of it, yourself and of her.

I go back to my original point in my previous post - and I know that this is not necessarily of any solace to you - but it's only been 4 months.

You can't expect of a 4 month relationship, what you might expect of a 4 year relationship. The level of analysis and expectation you're applying to your connection with this girl may be driving her away.

My now husband, was incredibly intense in the first year of our relationship, so much so that I had to ask him to back off, or I would have had to run away myself! I felt overwhelmed by him and I felt as if I didn't have the personal space to respond to his expectations and his desire/love/commitment to me.

It may well be that your GF likes you less than you like her - but I wonder if your intensity and the 'too much too soon' scenario has prompted her to distance herself? She may be feeling overwhelmed as well, and in need of some personal space. I suspect you do to.



Try to understand that there are 2 people in a relationship with feelings and expectations, so that things will never be simple, or as you see them. Your 'benchmark' may not be the other persons - she may want to be elsewhere if she's feeling lost, hurt or overwhelmed. This is her way of coping, and is no reflection on you or the relationship.

Why don't you let her 'be' for a little while and try to stop worrying? I know, easier said that done!

Agree - sometimes to communicate effectively we need to give the other person space to work out what their thoughts and feelings are. (would have just greenied this but got to 'spread the rep')

Are you sure she was getting off just fine in the beginning with no foreplay? Isn't there a decent chance she was faking in the beginning, and then became more assertive as she got to know you?

Out of curiousity, how long is the "incredible amount of time" you allocate to foreplay?

What is with resurrecting old threads today?

CLOSED!