wizzlet
Apr 21, 2010, 06:16 PM
I have been with my boyfriend for about a year and a half and we're both in our late twenties. We have a very loyal, loving and affectionate relationship, but like any relationship we have problems and there comes a time when they bubble over and everything needs to be re-evaluated. I am mainly concerned about whether I am fighting a losing battle.
We talked on the phone for two months before he'd be moving back to the city where we're both from and currently live. When we first started dating he was 'staying' with a mutual friend that lived near me, but spending every night at my house, not working, drinking heavily and partying. It felt so great to be with him and let myself fall in love amidst the chaos of my work life, despite the caution I would have proceeded with otherwise given all the warning signs. After about two months I told him I was ending it because of this terrible behavior. Without skipping a beat, a job suddenly appeared for him quickly followed by improvements to his appearance, then gifts, better sex and (yay!) money for rent every month.
He has since been 100% awesome and a great person, boyfriend, friend, lover, etc... but he still battled(s) with his drinking problem. I asked him to move out about 6 months ago after a few alcohol-related incidents. There was no argument. We didn't break up over it and he got a place of his own and has seemed happier and more independent than ever and is totally thriving. However, recently there's been a noticeable disinterest in sex from him, now only happening once a week or once every two weeks. I am still pretty hot for him, so it's a bummer.
I'm realizing that over time, I exist as an entirely separate entity than the rest of his life. He will spend up to 4 nights a week at my house wanting to cuddle and snuggle, but never invite me to his house on the nights that he wants to go stay there. I have been to the place once, and I invited myself.
We got into an argument today (we don't argue much, and never angrily) after I said something that triggered him to virtually outpour all of this pent up resentment he has apparently been bottling up. He accused me of being disinterested in everything he says and does, unsupportive and not encouraging, angry and condescending when I speak to him, and saying I was like talking to a wall when speaks to me, adding that we have nothing in common and that spending time with me is utterly boring so we never do anything together but go out to the occasional dinner, then topped it off with insulting the nicknames we call each other. Oh, and that I'm a workaholic. (HE WAS NOT DRUNK OR HUNGOVER DURING THIS AND I VERY RARELY SEE HIM UNDER THE INFLUENCE)
I'm pretty hurt needless to say, and asked him to explain what had possibly led him to basically think I was a piece of . He apologized for blowing up at me and said things have changed with him but he didn't mean what he said. I asked him if he'd met someone else that he thinks will make him happier and he thoroughly denies it. I hope that's the truth but people always lie about cheating in particular as if finding out the hard way is somehow better?
I'm not confused about any of it, but I realize there are two possible options for the future of our relationship after we talk. One, is that it's time to breakup, which will hurt, but I'm not about to hang on to a guy that doesn't want to be in a relationship with me, especially if he thinks all of those terrible things after everything. Option two, is that we work on our relationship and use all of these negatives to make what we have stronger by expressing what's bothering us instead of dropping a hate bomb every now and then.
Either way, I am still unsure I even know what I want to do about it. I might let him make the decision since he's feeling so empowered; just so I can have a little more time to gage and validate where all these accusations are actually coming from.
So, does anyone have any sound advice to offer or a different take on the situation?
Regarding his drinking: He stopped for a while and was going to meetings, but couldn't admit to powerlessness. Although the habit is virtually a fraction of what it used to be, he is still inherently alcoholic and the disease remains a progressive one from the onset of the first drink.
He was not drunk when we had this argument and I suspect the last time he was drunk was this past weekend. I fully understand the implications of dating an alcoholic and if that was the sole reason for me to leave... we would have been done long ago. I do not foster or enable his addiction and I also do not use ultimatums between me and alcohol - that is a lose/lose situation. I lose if he chooses alcohol and I lose if he quits drinking for me. He must surrender substance for himself and himself alone. (A 12 step rule of thumb). I draw boundaries where the symptoms and learned behavior of alcoholism begin to affect and interfere with my life. He could navigate those boundaries blind-folded if he had to, so to speak.
We met up and talked tonight and he was apologetic for being so extreme in what he said, but it got my attention enough for him to express wanting to work more on 'spicing up' our relationship (yes, he actually said that). I let him know that there are numerous other ways to let me know he thinks I'm falling short on my job than to tear apart our relationship in a few sentences. Hopefully it's noted.
Simply put, I am not the type of person that wastes time, especially with men; as I have better learned from painful experience. Abandoning someone for falling short of perfect is also bad practice, since I am far from perfect and also have apocalyptic meltdowns like clockwork... coincidentally, about once a month. Funny how that works, right?
However if he continues to revert into himself about his feelings on our relationship or doesn't do his part with trying to spark us up again as per his suggestion; I'll know he said what he had to in order to prolong our relationship until he grows a pair big enough to break it off. In that case, the ceremony will be mine to have.
Thanks for all your suggestions.
We talked on the phone for two months before he'd be moving back to the city where we're both from and currently live. When we first started dating he was 'staying' with a mutual friend that lived near me, but spending every night at my house, not working, drinking heavily and partying. It felt so great to be with him and let myself fall in love amidst the chaos of my work life, despite the caution I would have proceeded with otherwise given all the warning signs. After about two months I told him I was ending it because of this terrible behavior. Without skipping a beat, a job suddenly appeared for him quickly followed by improvements to his appearance, then gifts, better sex and (yay!) money for rent every month.
He has since been 100% awesome and a great person, boyfriend, friend, lover, etc... but he still battled(s) with his drinking problem. I asked him to move out about 6 months ago after a few alcohol-related incidents. There was no argument. We didn't break up over it and he got a place of his own and has seemed happier and more independent than ever and is totally thriving. However, recently there's been a noticeable disinterest in sex from him, now only happening once a week or once every two weeks. I am still pretty hot for him, so it's a bummer.
I'm realizing that over time, I exist as an entirely separate entity than the rest of his life. He will spend up to 4 nights a week at my house wanting to cuddle and snuggle, but never invite me to his house on the nights that he wants to go stay there. I have been to the place once, and I invited myself.
We got into an argument today (we don't argue much, and never angrily) after I said something that triggered him to virtually outpour all of this pent up resentment he has apparently been bottling up. He accused me of being disinterested in everything he says and does, unsupportive and not encouraging, angry and condescending when I speak to him, and saying I was like talking to a wall when speaks to me, adding that we have nothing in common and that spending time with me is utterly boring so we never do anything together but go out to the occasional dinner, then topped it off with insulting the nicknames we call each other. Oh, and that I'm a workaholic. (HE WAS NOT DRUNK OR HUNGOVER DURING THIS AND I VERY RARELY SEE HIM UNDER THE INFLUENCE)
I'm pretty hurt needless to say, and asked him to explain what had possibly led him to basically think I was a piece of . He apologized for blowing up at me and said things have changed with him but he didn't mean what he said. I asked him if he'd met someone else that he thinks will make him happier and he thoroughly denies it. I hope that's the truth but people always lie about cheating in particular as if finding out the hard way is somehow better?
I'm not confused about any of it, but I realize there are two possible options for the future of our relationship after we talk. One, is that it's time to breakup, which will hurt, but I'm not about to hang on to a guy that doesn't want to be in a relationship with me, especially if he thinks all of those terrible things after everything. Option two, is that we work on our relationship and use all of these negatives to make what we have stronger by expressing what's bothering us instead of dropping a hate bomb every now and then.
Either way, I am still unsure I even know what I want to do about it. I might let him make the decision since he's feeling so empowered; just so I can have a little more time to gage and validate where all these accusations are actually coming from.
So, does anyone have any sound advice to offer or a different take on the situation?
Regarding his drinking: He stopped for a while and was going to meetings, but couldn't admit to powerlessness. Although the habit is virtually a fraction of what it used to be, he is still inherently alcoholic and the disease remains a progressive one from the onset of the first drink.
He was not drunk when we had this argument and I suspect the last time he was drunk was this past weekend. I fully understand the implications of dating an alcoholic and if that was the sole reason for me to leave... we would have been done long ago. I do not foster or enable his addiction and I also do not use ultimatums between me and alcohol - that is a lose/lose situation. I lose if he chooses alcohol and I lose if he quits drinking for me. He must surrender substance for himself and himself alone. (A 12 step rule of thumb). I draw boundaries where the symptoms and learned behavior of alcoholism begin to affect and interfere with my life. He could navigate those boundaries blind-folded if he had to, so to speak.
We met up and talked tonight and he was apologetic for being so extreme in what he said, but it got my attention enough for him to express wanting to work more on 'spicing up' our relationship (yes, he actually said that). I let him know that there are numerous other ways to let me know he thinks I'm falling short on my job than to tear apart our relationship in a few sentences. Hopefully it's noted.
Simply put, I am not the type of person that wastes time, especially with men; as I have better learned from painful experience. Abandoning someone for falling short of perfect is also bad practice, since I am far from perfect and also have apocalyptic meltdowns like clockwork... coincidentally, about once a month. Funny how that works, right?
However if he continues to revert into himself about his feelings on our relationship or doesn't do his part with trying to spark us up again as per his suggestion; I'll know he said what he had to in order to prolong our relationship until he grows a pair big enough to break it off. In that case, the ceremony will be mine to have.
Thanks for all your suggestions.