I got pregnant and he freaked. Hasn't even spoke to me in 8 months. Now that the baby is almost here, he wants me to forget he has not been there for me and allow him to be involved as much as he wants. What do I do? I hate him!

The bottom line is that he's the dad. Obviously you didn't always hate him, you two made a baby together.

It sounds like the news of your pregnancy was hard for him to accept, but now he realizes he has a child coming in to this world and he has the right to be involved in that child's life.

Try to put aside the fact that you hate him. Do what's best for you child, let him/her have a relationship with the father.

I don't blame you. I'd be angry too. But this isn't really about you and him. This is about what's best for your child. And even if you decide not to be with your baby's father, it is best for your child if the two of you can remain civil and work together to bring your child up. It is important for children to have both parents in their lives. Unfortunately, things don't always work out that way. But he's finally stepping up to the plate it sounds like, and it wouldn't be fair to your child to keep him out of the picture because of your anger. Not to mention, its not healthy for you to carry around a grudge either. If you can forgive him for stepping out of the picture before, and allow him to be involved now, I think it will be better for all of you.

How old are both of you. That could have a lot to do with the attitude.

You have little choice but to involve the father of your soon to arrive baby. There is a whole extended family that will be affected by this. His parents and relatives, your parents and relatives. Not to mention (if you are in the US), medical bills, and immediate expenses. Babies are very expensive, not to mention that they need all the love they can get.

How you feel about him has to be put aside. Be civil and mature about how you treat the father of this baby. If he is willing to step up and take an active role, the two of you have to learn how to communicate together, to meet the needs of this baby.

You will spend many years in negotiations for this baby if you are a single parent, as he can, and likely will, demand his rights as well. It is in the baby's best interest that you do all you can to nurture a relationship with him.

I have tried through out this entire pregnancy to get him to be active. Not with me but with the pregnancy. I am not working and getting ready for her has been challenging. I have repeatedly asked him for any kind of help and he demands a DNA. Which is fine with me. But now after rejecting her and not claiming her, he wants to be there when she is born and handle all negotiations without an attorney. I am very open to him being an active father. If he can be rsponsible enough to do so and provide for her like I do. I have ask him to take free parenting classes for men. He refuses! It seems it has to be his way or no way. He also is on probation for coke use. Wanting to be a father is great, but being a good father is a whole other story! This is why I am concerned... It seems he wants to play Dad but not take any responsibility of being a Dad or change his lifestyle. Now what do you think, LOL??

Yeah, that changes things some. Not completely though. I still think its in the child's best interest if you two can remain civil. And, as long as he stays away from coke and any other dangers, I think if he can be involved in the child's life its good for the child to know their father. But I think you should be more cautious. Always on the look out for if he's back into drugs or anything else to indicate that he could be a danger to you or the child. And I would absolutely get an attorney and file for child support. If you're not comfortable with leaving him alone with the baby, I wouldn't suggest it unless or until he gets a court order for visitation. But I don't think excluding him completely would be good (since you said you're open to him being an active father I don't think you were planning to go that route anyways).

I presume that he was using coke when you got pregnant. I hope you weren't using too.

So, in other words, he's the same person you chose 8 months ago, as he is today.

What makes you think he's going to change.

Regardless of him being less than stellar, it would be in your best interest to establish child support and custody issues.

Those two issues sound to me about all you can demand of him. He has to support his child legally, whether he wants to.

Yes he was using coke when I got pregnant. I have never used in my life. To be quite blunt, we were friends with benefits, not a serious couple. But we have been friends our whole lives if that makes it less trashy, LOL. We are adults and I am 36 and have been told since my early twenties that I could not conceive. So getting pregnant was not part of this plan. I am finishing a bachelors degree and preparing my life for baby. He has continued to live the life he has always lived, wild and free. I don't think he is going to change. That's where my fear lies. He wants to be a father, great. But this is my only shot of being a Mother and I don't want to screw it up by allowing an irresponsible grug addict in her life. He has not shown me in any way that he is ready to take this serious. Only through out some demands that would benefit him. His drug habit never effected my life negatively. It will now, and unfortunately there is not much I can do about it. I am not putting his name on the birth certificate because until now he has never claimed her. So bascially until he hires an attorney he has no rights to her. But he wants to be around when she is born. This is my choice. I'm just not sure what the right thing is to do.

Is he clean now? You mentioned he was on probation. I admit that I don't know a whole lot about the rules of probation, but drug tests seem to be pretty common. I would hope at least for the time being he is clean. You actually giving birth and being in the hospital without him I would totally understand. But he is still the father. And I think the right thing to do would be to let him see his daughter very soon after she is born, assuming he is clean. I totally understand you not wanting to risk bringing his drug problem into your babies life. But if he's clean, I don't think its fair for you to totally shut him out.

I am very, very happy that you are not 18, and instead you are a responsible woman who will be able to provide for your baby on your own. That makes me happy!!

So he wasn't really an ex boyfriend really, but as you said, friend with benefits, that paints a different light on things entirely.

You must have been very surprised to hear you were pregnant.

And yes, you are stuck with the ex if he goes through with the legalities of proving it is his baby.

As to having him at the hospital, I can understand your hesitation. This is just my opinion here, that if it were me in your shoes, I would not tell him of any further developments, including going to the hospital when the baby is about to be born. And why I say this, is because, of all people, you should know that inviting him to the birth of your child, will not suddenly cause him to be hit by lightening and be a step up, responsible partner, and new parent.

Save yourself the stress, and have a good friend, or your mom, or somebody with you that can see you through the process of giving birth, and helping you out afterward.

If and when he ponies up a lawyer, agrees to drug tests, parenting classes etc. consider yourself a single mother.

It would be wonderful if, at some point, he can do those basic things for himself. Not you, but himself, so that he can enjoy the baby and participate in the baby's upbringing.

I get the impression that if he shapes up, you would be more than willing to encourage him to be a good father.

Try, in the meantime, not to stress yourself out. Get plenty of rest, and take good care of yourself.

He used to be a lifetime friend. After abandoning me as a friend and lover when he found out I was pregnant made me look at the big picture, and that is I AM A Single Mom. He is still using even though he is on probation. This is because this was only his first offense so probation is pretty lax. He knows when his drug testing will be a head of time. Nice system we have huh?! But yes I would love for her to know her father. He can be a good person he just has a coke problem. He doesn't have a job and has not offered to help me financially with anything. Yes I intend to provide for her the best I possibly can. Thank you all for you advice. I do want to do the right thing by my daughter. I just am not sure he does. I am a protective Mother to say the least, LOL! She is due in 6 weeks! My sister is going to be with me when I deliver and I am trying to not have him find out until I get home from the hospital and settled. I think that is best. Thanks again for your help!!

I think that is the right thing to do then. I don't know that I would want him at the hospital either.
I don't know him, but I doubt he is really serious anyway.
Consider yourself a single mom and if he wants to have rights, he'll have to get a lawyer, that will show how serious he really is
I wish you and your baby the best.

At the end of the day, you get a custody order when the child is born, Get a order for child support. If he wants visits he will have to file in court to get specific court order days and times

What is a custody order?? And how do I get that?

I could be wrong... But... I don't think that any judge in their right mind would give any type of custody to an active drug user with a record.

You're already proving to be the responsible parent. If this were a divorce case, you'd win the full custody of the child.

If I were in your boat.. I'd just cut him off. He's said in the past he wants a DNA test on the baby. Don't ever get it done. What's he going to prove if you never provide proof that baby is actually his? Its your child... It came from YOU.. You have every right to keep your baby's blood in its body, and away from the testing labs. He'd have to get a lawyer, who'd have to get a warrant in order for him to MAKE you get the DNA test.

I don't know. I could be completely off, but, I don't think he'll win granting any type of custody. He'd have to prove to the court system and that whole mess with child services that he is a responsible CLEAN father. You, on the other hand, have a job... a degree... more than likely a house... no nasty drug addictions... The guy doesn't have a prayer.

If you want him involved. Its all on your terms. Everything. You're the mother. That's your child. He abandoned you for 8 months. 8 months you were pregnant, scared, excited with no one to share the excitement with besides close friends and family. I'm sure friends and family are very important, but I'm sure the feeling is nothing like sharing this excitement with the father and man you love.

Good Luck

What is a custody order??? And how do I get that??
He would have to go to court and ask for partial custody or visitation rights. But if he is not even paying child support, it's not likely he will pursue anything and with his drug use, it's not likely he'll get it anyway.
Do make sure he is paying child support

I could be wrong... But... I dont think that any judge in their right mind would give any type of custody to an active drug user with a record.

You're already proving to be the responsible parent. If this were a divorce case, you'd win the full custody of the child.

If I were in your boat.. I'd just cut him off. He's said in the past he wants a DNA test on the baby. Dont ever get it done. Whats he going to prove if you never provide proof that baby is actually his? Its your child... It came from YOU.. You have every right to keep your babys blood in its body, and away from the testing labs. He'd have to get a lawyer, who'd have to get a warrent in order for him to MAKE you get the DNA test.

I dunno. I could be completely off, but, I dont think he'll win granting any type of custody. He'd have to prove to the court system and that whole mess with child services that he is a responsible CLEAN father. You, on the other hand, have a job... a degree... more than likely a house... no nasty drug addictions... The guy doesnt have a prayer.

If you want him involved. Its all on your terms. Everything. Youre the mother. Thats your child. He abandoned you for 8 months. 8 months you were pregnant, scared, excited with no one to share the excitement with besides close friends and family. I'm sure friends and family are very important, but I'm sure the feeling is nothing like sharing this excitement with the father and man you love.

Good Luck

I agree with some of what you say. Until he goes to court (if he ever goes) it is totally on her terms. But if he wants to be an active parent, I still don't feel like its fair to completely cut him out. I'm not saying send the kid over for sleepovers or anything. But let him come around now and then to at least see the kid. I know I'm being optimistic here, but maybe having a child in his life would be enough motivation for him to seek help. And I think it could cause resentment later in the child if her father is cut out of her life completely.

i agree with some of what you say. until he goes to court (if he ever goes) it is totally on her terms. but if he wants to be an active parent, i still don't feel like its fair to completely cut him out. i'm not saying send the kid over for sleepovers or anything. but let him come around now and then to at least see the kid. i know i'm being optimistic here, but maybe having a child in his life would be enough motivation for him to seek help. and i think it could cause resentment later in the child if her father is cut out of her life completely.

Oh no! I completely agree! Having a baby in his life may make him realize that its not just about him anymore.

I guess what I was trying to say, is she should make all visitation rights on her terms. Keep all that legal stuff away. If both parents are happy, why bring the court systems into play? Who knows, maybe he WILL clean up his act and be the supportive father and possible boyfriend the OP needs.

Well, you may hate him but if he is this child's father, he has every right to be involved and he has an equal obligation to provide financial support. That can only be enforced by court order. His relationship with his child is separate and distinct from his relationship with you and you've got to understand that.

I've moved this to the Family Law forum because at this point its more a legal issue.

When the child is born, you need to file in Family court for custody and child support. This will require a DNA test to confirm paternity. He may ask for visitation, but if he has a record for drug abuse you can probably get supervised visitation.

I would strongly suggest you consult a Family Law attorney as you appear somewhat ignorant of the legal issues surrounding your situation.

And the history of drug use has to be court records, Also they may require some level of testing for drugs ( if you ask for it)

When the child is born you NEED to go to court to establish him as the father. That way a court ordered DNA test will be done and you can be awarded with custody and get a support order. If you don't go to court then you will never get a support order and he will never owe any support. So, while in a perfect world you wouldn't need to involve the court this isn't perfect and you absolutely must get the court involved. If he wants visitation then he can petition the judge for it and get an order for visitation.