My boyfriend is amazing. He is smart, he is funny, he is handsome, he is educated, he is charming, and he knows it. He really is everything I hope for in a man. The problem is, he gets mad at me about EVERYTHING. We argue almost every day, sometimes multiple times a day. He tends to bring up past arguments over and over again, and gets mad about the littlest things. When we argue he says really hurtful things. Tells me to stop talking, always tells me I'm not right for him if I can't make the changes he wants me to make ( like I'm not allowed to hang out with anyone without first telling him who and where. And there better not be guys there. Also I'm not allowed to hang out with my gay best friend who I have known for 10 years because he is a guy... ) He says things in an argument that make me cry and cut me deep. He will ask me questions like "Tiffany, were you wrong, yes or no." if I try to explain my perspective he will cut me off and say "stop talking. YES, or NO. I don't want your explaination. A lot of times it's things i really don't feel should be a major issue. Like someone I know walks by while we are sitting at starbucks and i say hi for a second. This person was a man. I guess in saying hi, I am an untrustworthy attention starved little girl. That may be a direct quote. He really hurts me, and I try to tell him in the most tender way, "you're hurting me. Your tone hurts and the harsh things you say hurt. They stick with me for days, weeks even." he continues to do it anyways. I feel like when I am most vulnerable, he tells me I'm too much. Or what I'm doing isn't working for him. These words are so hurtful. It makes me feel like i'm not captivating, or alluring to him. I want to be the Beauty. I want to be admired for my heart, and my efforts, and pursued. Not reminded on a daily basis of every single time I've wronged him, or the many ways I evidently fail him. I made a frozen pizza one night and accidentily burned it and he was so mad at me. I immediately went to the store and bought a new one and made it, and he did apologize. That's the thing. He will hurt me, but then once he "wins" the argument, and I'm in tears or begging him to stay, he will relax, smoke a cigarette and then apologize and tell me how much he loves me. Then he goes on pretending nothing ever happened, until our next argument where he will bring up that argument, and every previous one where I was "wrong". It hurts. How can I soften him up. He's a military man, and very traditional. He is 28 and I am 23. We do not live together, though we stay most nights together. He stays at my apartment often.He is much more successful in his life thus far than I am, and he points this out to me often in little ways. (mind you he has 5 years on me, and his family really set him up for success. I am an orphan. Never had a dad, and my mom died when I was 15. Not really setting me up for success.) How do I get through to his heart in an argument. He is the sweetest most endearing man when he is happy, but whenever he is mad he is so hurtful... how do I bring out his tenderness??

Your in an extremely abusive situation.

The only way to get him to stop being angry is by ending this toxic relationship.

By walking out and ending it and saying its over, and over for good.

This is your only option unless you want to continue living in hell.

Your boyfriend is definitely abusive. Right now it’s verbal/emotional abuse, but could easily change to physical abuse.

It is possible for him to change but is it likely? NO! It takes years of therapy and commitment to change such ingrained behaviors. It can be beaten into him that it is bad behavior but getting him to actually change and not just have him pretend that he has changed are very different animals.

Emotional/verbal abuse wears away at your self-confidence and sense of self-worth. All the constant isolation (from family and friends), berating and belittling, by intimidation, or under the guise of "guidance" or teaching, the results are similar. Eventually, you will lose all sense of self and all remnants of personal value.

Don’t allow him to do this to you. You really need to end this relationship NOW before it’s too late.

This is the beginning of a very volatile situation. This is the beginning of the circle of abuse. It's time to get out now before you have children tied into this relationship.

He, not you, is the problem. Run, run as fast as you can and don't look back. You are worth diamonds and gold. I see that just from how you expressed yourself in your explanation of your situation. Treat yourself like the special gift you are.

I agree with the previous posts, although I think, even though you have spoken to him about how hurtful the things are that he says and does, I think you need to take the time and lay it out for him one last time and let him know that if that does change, you won't be around any longer.

This will comfort your mind, because you laid it all out there and gave him the ultimatum, regardless of what the result is. You will be able to feel like you did all that you could and that nothing was left in the dark.

Nobody deserves to be treated like this, and I'm guessing that he has never had to settle for not having things go his way, and has never had to really answer to anyone or face an ultimatum like this, therefore he feels that since you stick around through all of the insults and harmful words, that you will never leave.

That has to change, or you are done, and you have to stick to your guns. Good luck

You got to stand up for yourself. I think the only way to do that is to end this relationship. He doesn't respect you and won't because you let him and it will get worse and worse. You got two choices, put up with it or get out. I would pick the latter if I were you.


I agree with the previous posts, although I think, even though you have spoken to him about how hurtful the things are that he says and does, I think you need to take the time and lay it out for him one last time and let him know that if that does change, you won't be around any longer.

This will comfort your mind, because you laid it all out there and gave him the ultimatum, regardless of what the end result is. You will be able to feel like you did all that you could and that nothing was left in the dark.

Nobody deserves to be treated like this, and I'm guessing that he has never had to settle for not having things go his way, and has never had to really answer to anyone or face an ultimatum like this, therefore he feels that since you stick around through all of the insults and harmful words, that you will never leave.

That has to change, or you are done, and you have to stick to your guns. good luck

I think once the respect is gone it's very hard to get it back. But it's worth a try, the op got nothing to lose.

I think once the respect is gone it's very hard to get it back. But it's worth a try, the op got nothing to lose.

Unfortunately, she has a lot to lose. He could very easily turn violent if she confronts him directly, the way you suggested. Being that he's in the military, he's likely had training on how to cause the most pain in the least amount of time. She needs to cut and run.


t, you need to find the courage to leave him. You need to tell someone what he's like, then break up with him. Have friends stay at your house if you don't feel safe, or stay at theirs. File a restraining order against him. He's likely to get violent after you dump him. You just need to get out of this relationship.

Your story is very similar to another that was started here a couple days ago. Do me, and yourself, a favor, and go read it. There are things that were said there that I think you need to hear. I also think that reading her story will help you a lot.

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/possessive-boyfriend-465438.html

There's nothing to indicate that he violent and physically abuse her. She either leave or talk to him and hope he change. She got nothing to lose either way.

There's nothing to indicate that he violent and physically abuse her. She either leave or talk to him and hope he change. She got nothing to lose either way.

Actually there is a lot telling us that he is, or will become, violent. The fact that she has to report to him of her whereabouts is just one point. It seems that he is trying to distance her from her friends. This is just one of the steps before a relationship becomes violent.

She either leave or talk to him and hope he change. She got nothing to lose either way.
She's been there and done that multiple times, but no changes (not lasting, at least). She's already lost her self esteem. What else should she risk losing -- her teeth? Her life?

She's been there and done that multiple times, but no changes (not lasting, at least). She's already lost her self esteem. What else should she risk losing -- her teeth? her life?

The LEAST she will lose is her faith in humanity. The MINUTE he hits her, that will be gone.

If she tries to make him hear her out, or insists on pursuing a topic he doesn't like, then chances are that he WILL hit her. All the signs are there. All the red flags.

The scariest part, is that he has military training to back up his abuse. If he hits her, then it will likely hurt a lot more than if the average joe did so. Even if he uses an open hand, there's still a lot more muscle behind it than most people have.

Have we forgotten that the OP came to this site, which goes to show that she is not wanting to be done with the relationship just quite yet. If she was completely content with that decision, then she would have acted on that rather than coming here. Of course it is possible that he could physically abuse her, however, no more so than the possibility that it could have occurred at any point during the relationship.

Keep in mind that her question was, "How can I bring out his tenderness?", indicating that she is not content with just up and leaving. I completely agree that his treatment of her is unjust, cruel and controlling, however, she is wanting to know how to get to him, in order to see if he is going to open up and be kinder to her... thus, if she lays out the ultimatim for him, then she has made that attempt. That is the last step, and then she should know from that point forward that she should disconnect herself. If her question were, "should I get the heck out of here or what?", thus indicating that she is considering getting the heck out of dodge, then your guidance would be suitable.

I have been in a very similar situation. He was a military guy and older than me as well. You need to understand that walking away will be really really hard and that it may take more than one try (it took me like six or seven) but its something you have to do because it will never change and it will never get better. You need to believe that you deserve more, because you do. Everyone deserves to be loved the same way that they love. Period. When I finally left, I still cried all the time, called him, missed him, all of that. But I stayed with a very good friend (for almost the entire year) and she helped me and she never got fed up at hearing the same ole story. I owe her sooo much. And one day, I realized that I hadn't cried in a week... and that I didn't think about him every night as I was going to sleep anymore... and that I was happier the way I was now than I ever was when I was with him. Its been two years now and when I look back, it hurts me to see the way I let him treat me. You will realize that its not OK and that you don't want a life like that, no matter how happy you are when he's being nice. It will be one of the hardest things you do, and you will hurt really bad, but one day, you'll get better. And you'll thank God that you had the strength to walk away and demand the kind of life you really deserve.

I am so sorry for you, because you love this man.


He is smart, he is funny, he is handsome, he is educated, he is charming, and he knows it. He really is everything I hope for in a man. The problem is, he gets mad at me about EVERYTHING. We argue almost every day, sometimes multiple times a day.

Sadly, he is a HUGE control freak. I'd like you to go to any website that describes narcissistic personality disorder and see if any of the behavior described sounds familiar. I'm not saying your BF has NPD, but I'm suggesting there are similar traits.

You must understand that it's not sustainable for you to be in relationship where your BF gets mad at you about everything. Be realistic... where does this leave you in terms of feeling comfortable, feeling confident, feeling independent and most importantly feeling love.

Someone that gets mad at you about everything and tries to control everythign you do leaves you in a constant state of anxiety so that you feel you're under siege. This isn't a relationship, it's a dictatorship.

If this man really had a heart you would have seen it by now, and I am unsure whether he has any tenderness to give you. You have already appealed to his heart...


I try to tell him in the most tender way, "you're hurting me. Your tone hurts and the harsh things you say hurt. They stick with me for days, weeks even." he continues to do it anyway. I feel like when I am most vulnerable, he tells me I'm too much. Or what I'm doing isn't working for him.

If he really cared about you, why would he continue to behave this way - to hurt you?

All I can suggest is that you both go to counselling. Perhaps this will be the litmus test in terms of what he is prepared to do for you.

Sadly, I suspect he believes that there is nothing wrong with him.

ACTUALLY, I have to disagree with a few posters here. Stating that because of military training its unlikely that he will be physically abusive. That is such a crock. Military training, training to be able to kill. Military training gives this person the upper hand in many ways including physical.

I can name many cases in the army where people have turned out to be rapists and murderers even though they wear that uniform and claim to protect our countries.

I am not saying that all of them are abusive but it is clearly in this case to be factually true.

ACTUALLY, I have to disagree with a few posters here. Stating that because of military training its unlikely that he will be physically abusive. That is such a crock. Military training, training to be able to kill. Military training gives this person the upper hand in many ways including physical.

I can name many cases in the army where people have turned out to be rapists and murderers even though they wear that uniform and claim to protect our countries.

I am not saying that all of them are abusive but it is clearly in this case to be factually true.


There's no indication that he physically abuse her. That's the worse case scenario. Just because he's verbally abusive doesn't mean he'll become violent.


I can give you an example. Some managers are known to be verbally abusive, does that mean that they'll beat you up if you did something wrong? Of course not, at least not in North America. If you standup and talk back to the boss, the worse he'll do is fire you.

In this scenario, if she talk to him, the worse he'll do is end the relationship because he doesn't care but at least she get her dignity back.

There's no indication that he physically abuse her. That's the worse case scenario. Just because he's verbally abusive doesn't mean he'll become violent.


I can give you an example. Some managers are known to be verbally abusive, does that mean that they'll beat you up if you did something wrong? Of course not, at least not in North America. If you standup and talk back to the boss, the worse he'll do is fire you.

In this scenario, if she talk to him, the worse he'll do is end the relationship because he doesn't care but at least she get her dignity back.

How old are you hung? Do you have any training and background in abuse? I do. This is a volatile situation to say the least. She needs to get out now before it gets worse.

There's no indication that he physically abuse her. That's the worse case scenario. Just because he's verbally abusive doesn't mean he'll become violent.


I can give you an example. Some managers are known to be verbally abusive, does that mean that they'll beat you up if you did something wrong? Of course not, at least not in North America. If you standup and talk back to the boss, the worse he'll do is fire you.

In this scenario, if she talk to him, the worse he'll do is end the relationship because he doesn't care but at least she get her dignity back.

No, the worse he'll do is beat her to a bloody pulp and send her to the emergency room.

The sad fact is that MOST verbally and emotionally abusive and controlling relationships evolve into physically abusive relationships.

You're assuming that because he hasn't hit her, that he won't. That's simply not true. He has ALL the hallmarks of a physically abusive partner. He just hasn't escalated to that point. Yet. Confronting him could very likely push him over the edge and to that point, and she will be the target.

Let me break this down for you all.


We argue almost every day, sometimes multiple times a day.

red flag #1



When we argue he says really hurtful things.

One of the trademarks of an abuser. It starts with verbally hurting the partner before it escalates.



( like i'm not allowed to hang out with anyone without first telling him who and where. and there better not be guys there.

This is the beginning of the controlling and the isolating.



like i'm not allowed to hang out with anyone without first telling him who and where.

Real partners don't control who their partner sees. ALLOW is not a word in the relationship dictionary.



He will ask me questions like "Tiffany, were you wrong, yes or no." if I try to explain my perspective he will cut me off and say "stop talking. YES, or NO. I don't want your explaination.

He is NOT her father. He has NO right to talk to her in this manner.



He will hurt me, but then once he "wins" the argument, and I'm in tears or begging him to stay, he will relax, smoke a cigarette and then apologize and tell me how much he loves me.

This is called the honeymoon cycle in the circle of abuse. Once this circle has run its course, the snowball starts rolling again, but this time it gains strength and speed.

Look at this website. It will give you more insight to exactly what is going on.

Domestic Violence-Cycle (http://wotan.liu.edu/home/sla/circle.html)

I am trained in abuse. I know the signs to look for. This is a very serious situation and she does NOT need to confront him. She needs to get out NOW!

This is an even BETTER website. Be sure to read it all.

Leaving An Abusive Relationship | Safety for Abused and Battered Women (http://www.heart-2-heart.ca/women/page11.htm)


Psychological and emotional battering, through verbal abuse, accompanies physical battering. It kills your spirit. It cripples your self-esteem and your sense of self-worth. In many ways, this type of abuse does far more damage and long-term devastation than do physical blows. Unfortunately, with this type of abuse, it can't be recognized as easily as a black eye, a bruise or a broken bone... and it almost always occurs behind closed doors.

How old are you hung? Do you have any training and background in abuse? I do. This is a volatile situation to say the least. She needs to get out now before it gets worse.

I've been there and seen enough to know that verbally abusive does not necessarily lead to physical abuse. I know there are couples out there that argue all the time, one of them is my friend and sometime can be verbally abusive but the worse that can happen is they end the relationship because they can't take it anymore. Is he like that in all relationships? Of course not. Anyone can be verbally abusive if they are push to the limit. Does that mean they are going to hit someone? Maybe, maybe not.


I know you are an expert in what you do but are experts right 100% of the time? Of course not.

I know you are an expert in what you do but are experts right 100% of the time? Of course not.

Heck, No. Experts are not right 100% of the time. And I'll be the first to admit that I am not always right. Heck, I make mistakes all the time!

However, with my background and training, I can tell you that this situation is very volatile. It's like waving a match over gasoline.

This is an explosion waiting to happen.

I've been there and seen enough to know that verbally abusive does not necessarily lead to physical abuse. I know there are couples out there that argue all the time, one of them is my friend and sometime can be verbally abusive but the worse that can happen is they end the relationship because they can't take it anymore. Is he like that in all relationships? Of course not. Anyone can be verbally abusive if they are push to the limit. Does that mean they are going to hit someone? Maybe, maybe not.


I know you are an expert in what you do but are experts right 100% of the time? Of course not.

And there you have the difference. This guy is NOT being pushed. He is emotionally and verbally abusive WITHOUT PROVOCATION! He attacks and controls her to the point where she is afraid to talk to people because he might take it as flirting. He has isolated her from her friends. He monitors and controls her every move and moment. It's all those COMBINED with the unprovoked arguing that send up the red flags.

You need to stop focusing on one fact and look at the ENTIRE picture. She is in an emotionally and verbally abusive relationship with a very controlling and jealous individual. If she confronts him, he WILL attack. While that attack may not be physical, there's a very good chance that it will be. It's not a chance worth taking.

Would you be able to live with the guilt of knowing that taking your advice got her physically injured, if not hospitalized? no. in cases like this, it's ALWAYS better to assume that he may take the next step into being physically violent. The consequences of ignoring that possibility are too great, and will be an innocent person that will have to live (or possibly, die) with them, not us.



j, do you know how to find a link to j-lo's thread from several months ago? Maybe reading her story will help put this one into perspective for hung.

Edit: I found her original thread, but the one where her friend told us what had happened seems to be gone.

I beg to differ with you HUNG . J-9 knows about what she is saying so don't knock the experts. TRS22 Let me tell you what will happen next!The emotional abuse is worse sometimes than physical abuse. When he snaps it will turn physical and I pray to God you leave before there are children.


After the first slap or and the first black eye or busted lip he'll cry and say how sorry he is. You'll forgive and then it will happen again. He will alienate you from your friends and you'll learn his mood by the way he drives in the driveway.
Then comes the worst part... walking on eggshells cause you're afraid you might set him off.

God help you if you're not like a servant.. fixing his plate and taking off his boots. You have learned not to fight back, it only makes it worse.
Different ER's using different names so the Dr. won't make the connection. You are two-thousand miles from home and you know your stuck.

Finally you have a child and one night he is drinking and starts screaming at a tiny sick baby. That's when you find the strength to fight back and leave. Yes he was in the Military at the time. That was many,many years ago and I wouldn't wish that MISERABLE, LIVING, HELL on my worst enemy.

You get out and get out fast.:mad:

To Hung.. have you ever been beaten? Have you ever had to run out of your house
Ihe middle of the night with a broken rib and a mouth so swollen you couldn't eat?

You are being verbally and emotionally abused.

Don't wait around for it to escalate into physical abuse,as it most likely will.


Walk away.

That's your opinion,which I completely disagree with.

All the red flags are there,the next step may well be a push,a slap or worse.

Even if this were not to happen,nobody should stay in a relationship where they are being emotionally and verbally abused.

And that is what he is doing.

They are not having 'normal' arguments or heated discussions,he is using his anger to control her.

This guys got a lot going for him and she doesn't as she stated. Why would he beat her up and cause all the trouble while he can just end the relationship and move on. I agree that he's a control freak but it's because they are not compatible. Like I said, anyone can get verbally abusive if they are push to the limit. In this case he's not happy with what she do for him. The worse that can happen is they will end the relationship.


She's more worry about him leaving her than the physical abusing part which you don't know if it will happened.


I am not knocking the expert. I am sure you are good at what you do but you're not a mind reader. What she wrote is one thing but you don't even know the guy and some people are not capable of raising their hand on someone.






Guys like him are everywhere. You don't have to push a bully to the limit.. because that's what abusers are.. bullies. They look for someone who is vulnerable and they absolutely push them to the limit. They are intimidated by a woman who talks back. Therefore they start the verbal abuse, telling how incompetent she is at everything. Then slow
They take away your self-confidence and freedom. Hiding or taking the car keys.
The emotional abuse is worse, cause it leaves scars inside and it takes
You years to get it back. So Hung you have given me a Reddie for telling the truth... Well let me tell you this.. You say she's afraid he's going to leave her.. THAT IS PART OF IT! They make you feel as though you can't live without them and you are so brainwashed even when you leave them, after all the abuse.. when you finally come home, far away from him.. he still leaves you wondering ,did I do the right thing!

Don't you dare tell this girl she isn't in danger... she is!

Guys like him are everywhere. You don't have to push a bully to the limit..because that's what abusers are..bullies. They look for someone who is vulnerable and they absolutely push them to the limit. They are intimidated by a woman who talks back. Therefore they start the verbal abuse, telling how incompetent she is at everything. Then slow
they take away your self-confidence and freedom. Hiding or taking the car keys.
The emotional abuse is worse, cause it leaves scars inside and it takes
you years to get it back. So Hung you have given me a Reddie for telling the truth...Well let me tell you this..You say she's afraid he's going to leave her..THAT IS PART OF IT! They make you feel as though you can't live without them and you are so brainwashed even when you leave them, after all the abuse..when you finally come home, far away from him..he still leaves you wondering ,did I do the right thing!

Don't you dare tell this girl she isn't in danger...she is!

I have to spread the love Kity. This girl IS in danger. The physical abuse may not start this week, or next month, but the potential is there.

While I speak from education, you speak from experience. There is nothing better than experience.

... and you have all successfully just wasted two pages of not even addressing her original question. It is pretty clear she is not emotionally prepared to leave, so instead of bickering over attempting to read the future ans acting as though you KNOW what his next actions are going to be, why don't you spend that time and energy addressing the op's original question. You are all jumping to conclusions and your arguments are as factual as calling a red apple, green. He is controlling but is not abusive and has shown no signs of even considering to bw physical. You need to quit stereotyping just because he is military... no matter what angle you view this from or how you trained you are in this area... in no area of expertise is stereotyping and assuming acceptable.

We aren't stereotyping because he is military. I live in a military town and know very few men like this. Actually, most men I do know that are like this come from a variety of backgrounds.

We are just warning her of what her future may be. It's obvious she is not happy now, we need to let her know that this behavior is not going to change.

We argue almost every day, sometimes multiple times a day. He tends to bring up past arguments over and over again, and gets mad about the littlest things. Tells me to stop talking, always tells me I'm not right for him if i can't make the changes he wants me to make ( like i'm not allowed to hang out with anyone without first telling him who and where. and there better not be guys there. Also I'm not allowed to hang out with my gay best friend who i have known for 10 years because he is a guy...) I am an untrustworthy attention starved little girl. He really hurts me, and I try to tell him in the most tender way, "you're hurting me. I made a frozen pizza one night and accidentally burned it and he was so mad at me. I immediately went to the store and bought a new one and made it, and he did apologize.

Well that in a nut shell in her own words. I highlighted some of the red flags. She is in an abusive relationship. Emotional abuse can be more harmful then physical, but all these red flags point to physical abuse down the road, or even physical abuse that has already happened but was not talked about yet.

....and you have all successfully just wasted two pages of not even addressing her original question. It is pretty clear she is not emotionally prepared to leave, so instead of bickering over attempting to read the future ans acting as though you KNOW what his next actions are going to be, why dont you spend that time and energy addressing the op's original question. you are all jumping to conclusions and your arguments are as factual as calling a red apple, green. he is controlling but is not abusive and has shown no signs of even considering to bw physical. you need to quit stereotyping just because he is military....no matter what angle you view this from or how you trained you are in this area.....in no area of expertise is stereotyping and assuming acceptable.

I know what happens next... All the signs are there... I'm trained in nothing. I was married to a guy who could be the carbon copy of this guy. He left scars on my body and inside my heart that took years to heal.

You can disagree if you wish but ALL THE SIGNs are there. I'm no expert
I just know what it's like to be scared to to do anything when he said not too. No calling home.. it cost too much... no friends.. he was in the Military and didn't want his reputation as a wife beater to be known. Beer poured in my face and eyes black.

When I finally got up the courage to leave, I walked through one of the biggest airports in the U.S carrying my child and a purse without a red cent in it. My dad had prepaid a ticket for me to get home. I looked like a war victim and people helped me with my luggage . So don't say what you don't know. I DO know, but all the red flags point to this girls life
Being in danger. I've already got one reddie today so give
Me another.

If I help this girl get away from that man.. it'll be worth a thousand reddies.

... then the advice you giving her, in regarsa to considering leaving him should be based solely on the likelihood that his issues with being verbally abusive may never change... we have evidence that he is verbally abusive and can support our reasoning with that information... regardless of being trained to kill, if being military had anything to do with the likelihood of being physically abusive. Then we wouldn't have too many military men left in the military.

SO perhaps she should consider leaving because he is verbally abusive. And that advice is just... but to attempt to advise her beyond that. Would be unjust and elementary.

...then the advice you giving her, in regarsa to considering leaving him should be based solely on the likelihood that his issues with being verbally abusive may never change.......we have evidence that he is verbally abusive and can support our reasoning with that information.....regardless of being trained to kill, if being military had anything to do with the likelihood of being physically abusive. then we wouldnt have too many military men left in the military.

SO perhaps she should consider leaving because he is verbally abusive. and that advice is just.....but to attempt to advise her beyond that. would be unjust and elementary.


I don't agree... I think any advice to leave a control freak who dominates her and emotionally and verbally abuses her is good enough reason to LEAVE. It WILL ESCULATE... I'D BET THE FARM ON IT! Are you a therapist?

To the OP...

Do you see your relationship here? The Cycle of Abuse | Domestic Violence Wheel | Emotionally Battered Women (http://www.heart-2-heart.ca/women/page5.htm)

What about here?

Signs of An Abused Woman | Battered Women | Emotional, Psychological and Mental Abuse (http://www.heart-2-heart.ca/women/page1.htm)

Edit:

Anytime you are in a relationship with someone who insults you, criticizes you, keeps you away from your friends, you are afraid to talk to him and you still think he is wonderful, you are a victim of abuse.

He probably has not hit her because she backs down, she does not confront him. He can control her with words right now. I would bet anything that the moment she does speak up, he will get physical with her.

I would not advise anyone to stay in a relationship where they are treated so poorly. This not a matter of someone who may be a bit critical and does not know it, this man is cruel and controlling and she needs to know she is being abused. This man is not going to be tender (except maybe after the first time he punches her out, then he will say he's sorry)
She needs a support group and she needs to leave before he completely destroys her.

...then the advice you giving her, in regarsa to considering leaving him should be based solely on the likelihood that his issues with being verbally abusive may never change.......we have evidence that he is verbally abusive and can support our reasoning with that information.....regardless of being trained to kill, if being military had anything to do with the likelihood of being physically abusive. then we wouldnt have too many military men left in the military.

SO perhaps she should consider leaving because he is verbally abusive. and that advice is just.....but to attempt to advise her beyond that. would be unjust and elementary.

I think and this an opinion only, that you are full of it. You and Hung apparently hate woman if you are men. If your're both woman God help us all.because you are probably being abused. Get a clue and visit a woman's shelter. You like to use your big words to try and prove how smart you are.. You are far from smart!:mad: If you are a man perhaps the wife or girlfriend left you for being abusive. My opinion.. :mad:

I think all anyone has to do is read what this young lady wrote. The abuse is so obvious. He uses words to controls her.
To advise her to sit down and talk to him is dangerous. The minute she stands up to him, says something against his treatment of her, he will in all likely hood hit her. She will not confront him because she is afraid of him and she feels unworthy of an opinion.

Any woman who has been abused or knows one who has been abused recognizes the signs, and that are all over this young lady's post.

I think all anyone has to do is read what this young lady wrote. The abuse is so obvious. He uses words to controls her.
To advise her to sit down and talk to him is dangerous. The minute she stands up to him, says something against his treatment of her, he will in all likely hood hit her. She will not confront him because she is afraid of him and she feels unworthy of an opinion.

Any woman who has been abused or knows one who has been abused recognizes the signs, and that are all over this young lady's post.

Yep and she'll be so shocked when he hits her the first time... she will not know what do and he'll use that against her. Slap the first time, then he'll use his fist or his boots. I hope she see's this

I have to spread the rep, but you are right KitKat22. He'll tell her she pushed him to do it.

....and you have all successfully just wasted two pages of not even addressing her original question. It is pretty clear she is not emotionally prepared to leave, so instead of bickering over attempting to read the future ans acting as though you KNOW what his next actions are going to be, why dont you spend that time and energy addressing the op's original question. you are all jumping to conclusions and your arguments are as factual as calling a red apple, green. he is controlling but is not abusive and has shown no signs of even considering to bw physical. you need to quit stereotyping just because he is military....no matter what angle you view this from or how you trained you are in this area.....in no area of expertise is stereotyping and assuming acceptable.

Actually, I feel we are addressing a very important detail that the op was either afraid to include in her post, or just hasn't let herself think about yet. This is something she NEEDS to be aware of, even if it means FORCING her to think about.

ALL the red flags for physical abuse exist. He just hasn't gotten to that point, yet. He's waiting for an excuse.

I'm going to ask you the same question I asked hung. Would you be able to live with the consequences if your advice causes her to get hurt? If you telling her to stay and tough it out and talk to him causes him to beat her and the next time we hear from her is a friend saying she's in the hospital? Would you be able to live with knowing that your INSISTENCE to ignore the warning signs the rest of us have seen got her injured, or worse?

I hope to all the gods that you wouldn't be able to live with that knowledge.

...then the advice you giving her, in regarsa to considering leaving him should be based solely on the likelihood that his issues with being verbally abusive may never change.......we have evidence that he is verbally abusive and can support our reasoning with that information.....regardless of being trained to kill, if being military had anything to do with the likelihood of being physically abusive. then we wouldnt have too many military men left in the military.

SO perhaps she should consider leaving because he is verbally abusive. and that advice is just.....but to attempt to advise her beyond that. would be unjust and elementary.

Yes, our advice is based on what may happen. The consequences of doing otherwise are just too great. If we ignore the red flags and she ends up getting hurt because of OUR oversight, we wouldn't be able to live with it. If we ignore the red flags, it won't be use who has to pay the consequences, it'll be her.

In cases like this, it's ALWAYS better to assume the worst. If we don't, and the worst happens, then it's OUR fault for ignoring the signs. That's a burden we refuse to bear.

If this girl is fortunate she will only be physically hurt. My experiences are a little bit different from most of the folks here. This man does not sound like a bully. Svengali is the more appropriate description. There are a great many of these types in the alternative lifestyles community that actively subjugate people using just these techniques and turn them into slaves.

TRS, run while you still have your mind.

If this girl is fortunate she will only be physically hurt. My experiences are a little bit different from most of the folks here. This man does not sound like a bully. Svengali is the more appropriate description. There are a great many of these types in the alternative lifestyles community that actively subjugate people using just these techniques and turn them into slaves.

TRS, run while you still have your mind.


You need to get out as soon as possible.

How do i get through to his heart in an argument. He is the sweetest most endearing man when he is happy, but whenever he is mad he is so hurtful....how do i bring out his tenderness????

I dislike saying it, but you can't. That isn't what he wants and this whole relationship is about him getting what he wants. He wants you to want him to be happy. If you want him to be happy, then you will do ANYTHING to keep him that way even if it means endangering your own well-being emotionally, mentally and, probably some day, physically.

You cannot change someone who does not want to change. He doesn't. He is encouraging you to want to change to please him. Your begging, pleading, crying, etc. are just what he wants to see. It means that you are giving yourself up to his wants. You are giving him control over who you are as a person.

If you walk away in an argument (fight) and don't let him have his way, he will either dump you faster than you can blink or he will become physical.

Personally, I think he already has escalated to the physical level. I just don't think it is anything as overt as hitting or slapping. I am guessing grabbing your arm if you turn away while he is ranting. Grabbing your chin to make you look him in the eye. Squeezing your elbow or hand to the point of hurting as you walk down the street and he thinks you are checking out some other male. He may even have shaken you a time or two to get his point across. Not hard-just enough to get your attention.

In good conscience, I cannot find a safe way for you to stay in this relationship. To me, your mental and emotional well-being are being assaulted and you are losing what makes you unique and ultimately you.

If he doesn't treasure the wonderful person you are, then he doesn't deserve any more of your time. There are people who will love you as a whole person and would enjoy building a relationship with you.

You will never be able to stop his anger. He feeds off that anger and it makes him feel like a big man when he hurts you.
Don't make the mistake a lot of women make by thinking you can fix him, you can't. He likes you under his thumb doing his bidding.

Please leave and start another life while you are still young. Don't be one of those women you see on TV sobbing and saying ,"I
can't leave I love him too much". Don't be another statistic of becoming a battered woman... Get Out... :)

I really hope she comes back and let's us know what she decided, and that she's OK.

I really just want to know how to help him deal with his anger. I know he would never ever hurt me. I have been abused both sexually and physically by my father and other men my mom was with. He knows this and I know he wouldn't ever put me through that physical abuse. I don't doubt that he loves me. His mom yells ALL the time, and they say the apple doesn't fall far from the tree, right? I just want to help him overcome this. I'm afraid that if I go to him to discuss it, he will instantly become defensive and angry. I know that I love him desperately and want to be with him. He is the sweetest most loving generous and caring man when he isn't upset about something. I just want to know how to help him when he IS upset to understand ME and how to speak to me, and be able to be vulnerable and loving even in those situations.I'm not perfect and I've said my fair share of hurtful things. I have made my mistakes. I just wish he didn't hold on to them/

I really don't think he's going to change the way he treats you for the better. He's already made it clear that he doesn't care about anything you say or feel.

He knows what you've been through, and yet he makes no effort to be understanding and treat you better. That says a lot about him. And none of it is good.

Honey with him knowing all you've been through, if he was so wonderful, you would not be asking this question.
A man who loves you will treat you with respect. He will not be angry with you all of the time. He will not put you down.

You can't make him be something he is not and you are not responsible for his ugly behavior.

You can't change him. You can't help him deal with his anger if he doesn't think he has a problem with it.

Yes, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree as you put it. However, it is statistically known that women who were abused as children by the men in their life, tend to gravitate toward the same kind of man as they reach adulthood.

I really don't want everyone to think him a bad man. He is a good-hearted strong-spirited individual. I love him. The last argument we had ( the day before I posted this... concerning my gay best friend) he told me he would try to be more "warm" to me when we argue or what-have-you. I am so thankful for all of your kind words, and support. Every one of you has blessed my life in some way, in helping me feel less alone. I really just want to be able to help him through this. I am just afraid to approach him on the problem because I'm afraid he will get defensive and angry and hurt and leave. That is NOT what I want. I want a loving, understanding, supportive and uplifting relationship with HIM and him alone. I just don't think he realizes the damage of his words and actions. I want to open his eyes to my heart, and help him see the hurt that he is capable of causing so he can learn not to do it. I don't know what to do. I've decided that the next time he gets upset at me, I will approach the situation in the same calm, understanding, loving fashion as I have been trying to, and if he continues with the condescending hurtful comments and belittling treatment then well, I know. I know what to do. Pray it doesn't come to that. I really hope God speaks to his heart and opens his eyes to this. I have so much love to offer him. I just know that he is stubborn, and doesn't want to seem vulnerable, and he is obviously very passionately upset over some of these things, so I want to share in that passion with him, but in a positive way. I want to respect him, and understand him, and make him happy in this. He just needs to know how to go about expressing his concerns without becoming what he becomes. I really think he feels that is his only approach. Like nothing will be accomplished otherwise. Or maybe he embraces those passionate moments with me. Like its some sick sense of intimacy because in the end we come together with so much love. I really hate feeling this way.

And thank you all,dear ones, for your kind words and support. I've never experienced such compassion and support from total strangers. Thank you.

To go along with J_9
Abusive mean are drawn to weak and abused women. They know these women will not fight back, they know these women will accept this behavior.

and thank you all,dear ones, for your kind words and support. I've never experienced such compassion and support from total strangers. thank you.
Your welcome.
The people here do care. Please give the advice given some thought

I wish you well!

and thank you all,dear ones, for your kind words and support. I've never experienced such compassion and support from total strangers. thank you.

Hun, we try to take care of our own. We give advice from experience. Many of us have been in your shoes. We know what happens down the road and we are trying to protect you from those dangers.

I am just afraid to approach him on the problem because I'm afraid he will get defensive and angry and hurt and leave. That is NOT what I want. I want a loving, understanding, supportive and uplifting relationship with HIM and him alone. I just don't think he realizes the damage of his words and actions. I want to open his eyes to my heart, and help him see the hurt that he is capable of causing so he can learn not to do it.

I sincerely hope you don't find out that he does know and understand what damage he is causing.

You are focusing on the arguing. Take a step back and look at the bigger picture.

He is also controlling who you can be around and who you can talk to. That puts it on another level from yelling because that is all he knows.

I I just don't think he realizes the damage of his words and actions.

I really and truly do hope he doesn't. If he does and is playing you this harshly, your future could be very very grim.

Oh dear, after reading your post, it gives me the creeps. There are very clear signs that you are in a very toxic relationship. Here is a link for you to read about what toxic relationship is.

Toxic relationship (http://www.theallineed.com/selfhelp/05012601.htm)

There are a lot of redflags that can be identified by most of us here and you should take this very seriously.

You sound like a very sweet, warm and kind girl. I think you were very brave to express your concern and how you felt from the harm he has caused you. You did the right thing, communication is an essential key to a relationship. Nevertheless, you love him very dearly and believe he can change for the better by you, either helping him by talking,

OR

Comply with his COMMAND.

You see, abusive people always picks out the nice and gentle people. There is no point communicating with him if he does not listen to you with his heart because almost every time you try to share your feelings in a communicative way, you are always being cut off. It is a pure sign of abuse. You may think he loves you which is incorrect. I urge you to find out more what "Love" truly is.

Love comes with respect from both parties.
Had he truly and deeply love you, he would truly feel for you, and understand the result of his doing to what pain you receiving. He would listen, and he would tell himself "My significant is hurting, am i doing the wrong thing, i'm inflicting fear in her, this is not right. Because love is about caring and trusting."

Do not confuse yourself with love and abusive toxic relationship. It clouds your mind. For a guy who is 28 and with such temper tantrums, it is very dangerous. What will happen in another 10 years time? You and your children will suffer from his urge for "Control"

It is very unlikely you will be able to change him. The more you try, the more he will resent you, and it will be extremely dangerous for you in the long run.

You are really in a toxic relationship and I advice you to head yourself to the door.

However, if you do this!! Please walk out in a very safe and planned manner. Because if you walk out from him now impulsively, you might trigger his rage and he must do something harmful. Be very careful.

He might also switch to his sweet, warm and gentle mode and say he will change, he will do better, bla bla bla... don't buy it, unless he himself has changed, took effort to improve himself, get himself in therapy without the need for you to tell him so. Else you will let yourself be consume by him and turn you into his acolyte.

Hope this helps. Good luck.


Btw, I'm a guy, and I had been verbally and emotionally abused by my ex before, and all those signs you had were very much exactly like mine. Whenever I try to express myself for her behavior, she will give her ultimatums, then at normal times, she will pose her sweet gentle side. This is a brainwash mind control method that causes you to be addicted, and you will be so hooked you are afraid of them leaving you because you don't want to end up being ALONE. Please take this seriously.

I really just want to know how to help him deal with his anger. I know he would never ever hurt me. I have been abused both sexually and physically by my father and other men my mom was with. He knows this and I know he wouldn't ever put me through that physical abuse. I don't doubt that he loves me. His mom yells ALL the time, and they say the apple doesn't fall far from the tree, right?? I just want to help him overcome this. I'm afraid that if i go to him to discuss it, he will instantly become defensive and angry. I know that I love him desperately and want to be with him. He is the sweetest most loving generous and caring man when he isn't upset about something. I just want to know how to help him when he IS upset to understand ME and how to speak to me, and be able to be vulnerable and loving even in those situations.I'm not perfect and I've said my fair share of hurtful things. I have made my mistakes. I just wish he didn't hold on to them/

The problem is, HE is the only person that can really help himself.

You're in a relationship where you love someone that is controlling and frequently unkind to you. Can you see that this is what you're used to, and in fact you don't know anything different?

I don't know if your BF has the capacity to be vulnerable and sensitive - this is what you'd like, not necessarily what he is. He may not even have the capacity to forgive and forget since he chooses to hold on to his anger.

However, if you want to help him to deal with his anger - and he is the only one that can do this - then you need to suggest he goes to counselling.

Again, if you and the relationship are important to him, then he will choose to examine and hopefully modify the behavior that upsets you.

Don't be surprised however, if he is unable or unwilling to do this.

He is much more successful in his life thus far than I am, and he points this out to me often in little ways. (mind you he has 5 years on me, and his family really set him up for success. I am an orphan. never had a dad, and my mom died when i was 15. not really setting me up for success.)

Stop. I realize this is not what you even wrote about and it's not what everybody is answering. But for the love of God, you past does not equal your future. What happened with your dad or mom's boyfriends, or her death does not have anything to do with the here and now. You set yourself up for success. You have failures and get through them and you look back and learn from them. Your failures lead to success. Your success leads to more success.

The girl who won the lottery tonight is more successful then me and your boyfriend combined. That doesn't make her better, or more important or even relevant. Elvis Presley was more successful then most people who have ever lived and died with his face in a toilet. He does not define your success and for that matter your happiness. You define it. If he doesn't like your definition that your create for yourself, then he's the one with the problem.

What kind of loser dates his girlfriend who he already knows did not have it as easy as he did, but then instead of bringing value (by that I mean encouragement, support, help, kind words nothing at all financial) to her life, he runs her down to build what apparently little he has up. If I'm dating a girl, I'm not going to cheerleading everyday, but I'm not going to kill her spirit either.

I can tell by reading your 4 posts you have a great spirit. You've gone through more then most, which means your tougher then most, which is damn great trait to be proud of. Do not let someone with supposed, made up success tell you your not as good as him, because you sure are tougher then him. You also are a lot more tolerant then he is. Both traits he apparently at his older, more mature age hasn't picked up on yet. Maybe it's time you start looking at number 1 and let him know and then demand he start recognizing what other good traits you bring to the relationship.

I could tell by your last two post that you are a Christian. Good for you. I too am a child of God. You weren't as fortunate as I was to be raised in a Christian home with a loving Christian mom and dad. I was sheltered and didn't date a whole lot. Let me tell you about my ex.

He was a charmer and the guys I had grown up with were nice guys
And gentleman. I was a tad overweight and when I met him.I think he saw something in me that told him I was sensitive about my weight even though my parents always told me.. you're pretty and you look fine.

So against my parents wishes I married him.. he was my first everything.. We had been married just a little while when the verbal abuse started and I always argued back. One evening he said something about my weight and I said something back. He hit me so hard in the face I thought he had broken my jaw. I hit him back and the next time he didn't give me a chance to hit him back he left me lying on the floor .

I think the shock was the worst thing.. Here I was a little nineteen year
Old country girl.. who had never seen my daddy raise his hand to my mother or rarely spank his children. I was so far from home and I felt as if God had forsaken me. He hadn't.. he gave me opportunities to get away but I loved this guy.. even though everyday was a constant stressed filled day of dread.

The final straw after broken bones and black eyes was after my child was born and one night I couldn't take it anymore after he screamed at her she was still a tiny baby and he was yelling and I went crazy. I fought back and I left and never returned. I have a wonderful husband and he is the only dad she has ever known.

My Dad prayed so hard for me.. and he never said I told you so. He and my mom were so supportive. So if you are a Christian please pray and god will guide you. He doesn't want anyone hurting one of his... Please listen to his voice and leave this man. I wish you you blessings:)

God Bless you KitKat22.
Your story is a blessing. One that would give women the strength they need to leave a horrible situation.

I really don't want everyone to think him a bad man. He is a good-hearted strong-spirited individual. I love him. The last argument we had ( the day before I posted this...concerning my gay best friend) he told me he would try to be more "warm" to me when we argue or what-have-you. I am so thankful for all of your kind words, and support. Every one of you has blessed my life in some way, in helping me feel less alone. I really just want to be able to help him through this. I am just afraid to approach him on the problem because I'm afraid he will get defensive and angry and hurt and leave. That is NOT what I want. I want a loving, understanding, supportive and uplifting relationship with HIM and him alone. I just don't think he realizes the damage of his words and actions. I want to open his eyes to my heart, and help him see the hurt that he is capable of causing so he can learn not to do it. I don't know what to do. I've decided that the next time he gets upset at me, I will approach the situation in the same calm, understanding, loving fashion as I have been trying to, and if he continues with the condescending hurtful comments and belittling treatment then well, i know. i know what to do. Pray it doesn't come to that. I really hope God speaks to his heart and opens his eyes to this. I have so much love to offer him. I just know that he is stubborn, and doesn't want to seem vulnerable, and he is obviously very passionately upset over some of these things, so i want to share in that passion with him, but in a positive way. I want to respect him, and understand him, and make him happy in this. He just needs to know how to go about expressing his concerns without becoming what he becomes. I really think he feels that is his only approach. Like nothing will be accomplished otherwise. Or maybe he embraces those passionate moments with me. Like its some sick sense of intimacy because in the end we come together with so much love. I really hate feeling this way.

Ok, I'll agree with you that he is not 'a bad man'. It is a rare individual that is actuall totally bad or totally good. We all have both within us. Now you have to consider that he is not a totally good man, or at least some of his behaviour isn't. Yes he can be loving, charming, etc, but stand back and look at what else he is.

Ok so you want a loving, supportive relationship with him. Of course you do. But the fact is you do not have that. You cannot make that happen alone. You cannot make him behave the way you want. In fact most of the time he is preventing you from behaving how you want to. He is manipulating you and controlling you. No matter how much you care for him that is not what a good relationship is about.

The only hope I can see is if he can see that he has some very serious problems and will go to counselling and anger-management. Even then it would be a long and difficult path and I do fear, as many others have suggested, that his bad behaviour could escalate. If he can admit he has serious problems and is more than willing to seek help there might just be a chance, but he really has to acknowledge that it is him with the problems and he needs help.

However, I think you also have to look at yourself. I mean this in the nicest way, but the fact that you are putting up with all this and are so afraid of losing him suggests you need some proper help with your own self-esteem. The fact that physical abuse has featured in your past and you are in an abusive (albeit non-physical at the moment) relationship makes this clear.

You are afraid of letting this relationship go and stuck on the idea that you can fix it alone, I'm so sorry but you can't. Please get yourself some counselling so that you can see how much more you deserve and understand what is really going on here.

I'm sorry but I do agree that this man is abusive, and I do fear it may get worse. I also understand that you are not really ready to hear that and don't want to give up on this yet. Get yourself some counselling, and gently suggest your partner does the same. If you get help first, hopefully the counsellor can help advise you on how to broach the subject with your partner. If you cannot get him to agree to counselling or at any sign that his anger is turning physical, then you really have to tell yourself you have no choice but to get out. But get whatever help you can to make you fully realise your own worth now.

I don't think him being a good guy, or not is the point. I think the point is that you as a partner, have to be honest with yourself, to be honest with him, and standing up for yourself in the face of bad behavior, or anything you think you do NOT deserve, is what needs to happen, just so you both know each others boundaries.

If you can't do that for yourself, don't expect him to be able to do it for you.

Perhaps at the time that was her recourse. Sometimes things are not that simple.
I think if someone were about to hurt my child, my first thought would not be to tell my parents.
She did what was her to do and she has overcome. So lets not criticize. We were not in her shoes.

As I said she did not tell the OP to do that, she told her to leave, but she took a risk and shared her story and I say good for her.

Sorry, I don't want to offend anyone. Sorry if you take it the wrong way. I just hope someone with better qualification can answer the question.
I have the qualifications and have already given the OP the same advice Kitkat22 did so well by sharing her life experience with us -- get out now!

Get Out Now, is the only true advice. Not much to add. Everybody pretty much has said it.